"I know, but she really is doing okay." The best she can do considering she's lost both of her parents in a handful of years, anyway. And I hate the thought that Kit's stayed away because of me.
"You know I'm not trying to hurt you, right?" I ask her.
She's quiet for a long moment, and then she nods. "I know."
I reach out and tug on her ponytail. "Everything's going to be okay."
"How's Lexi?"
"She's–" I'm not really sure how to answer that question. "Busy, I guess. She and Jared spend most of their time at T.I." I really haven't seen her much, though I'm not sure if that's because she's avoiding me, if I'm avoiding her, or if she really is just that busy. I don’t tell Kit that though.
How long am I going to have to keep secrets from her?
And from Jared?
I've come so close to telling him that Lexi's in love with him. He should know – but I'm terrified he'll break things off with me if he does. That he'll choose her. I wouldn't blame him. So I just don't tell him.
I'm such a coward.
"I wish she'd tell me what's going on," Kit says, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"I know you do." I hesitate for a moment. "Maybe you should try talking to her again."
Kit's eyes pop open, bright blue catching my gaze. "Maybe," she says.
Once again, I have to fight the urge to tell her what I know.
"I'm going back to school," I blurt instead.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
Kit squeals and throws her arms around me, squeezing. "Oh my gosh, that is so amazing! Where are you going to go? When do you start? Have you picked your classes yet?"
She spits questions at me so fast, I miss half of them.
"I haven't registered yet," I say, laughing at her enthusiasm, "but Chris is going to take me to City College on Monday to enroll for the summer."
"I'm so happy for you!" She beams at me, her blue eyes sparkling.
And I feel powerful again, like I've wrested a little more control away from Toby.
We order pizza for dinner when Jared and Lexi get home. Everyone gathers around the kitchen table to eat. The conversation is light and happy. The girls are all smiles, Demetri and Chris hold hands under the table, and every time Jared catches my eye, he winks at me. It's as if the fog of grief has finally lifted and everyone is able to breathe a little easier.
I know Matthew would want this for the girls, and I think Kit and Lexi know it too.
"Can we go to Aquatic Park tomorrow, Lexi?" Maddi asks between bites of her pineapple and pepperoni pizza.
"That sounds fun," Kit says. "It's supposed to be nice out."
Lexi frowns. "I have to work."
Maddi and Kit both groan.
"Go," Jared says, and then shrugs when she turns to him. "You've been working nonstop since you went back. I can take care of things for a few hours."
Lexi hesitates, chewing on her bottom lip again.
"Come on, please?" Maddi begs.
"I'll buy you ice cream," Kit says.
Lexi can't resist ice cream. She never has been able to.
"Fine, fine," she laughs when Kit and Maddi both poke out their bottom lips, pouting. "We'll go."
"Mind if we tag along?" Chris asks, leaning back in his chair. I think he's trying to be casual, but I know he's going to keep an eye on them. "I need to pick up something for Alicia's birthday, and I gotta teach this one" – he nods at Demetri – "how to surf."
"You wish," Demetri says, smirking. "I don't do salt water, sweetie."
"We'll see about that." Chris leans over to bump his shoulder.
Demetri laughs and grabs his hand, twining their fingers together. I love the way their hands look against each other – dark and light clasped tightly. It reminds me of the cover to Jungle Fever, only more masculine, and somehow more beautiful.
"I wanna learn to surf," Maddi says, reaching for another piece of pizza. "Will you teach me, too?"
"Ask your sister."
"Please?" Maddi peeks up at Lexi, her expression hopeful. "Please, please, please?"
Lexi laughs again. "Fine, but if you drown, I'm not diving in after you."
"She'll be fine," Jared murmurs.
"Yeah, I'll take care of her," Chris chimes in.
Everyone falls silent for a moment.
"What about you, Savannah?" Maddi asks. "You wanna come with us?"
"Ah, sure," I say, wiping my mouth when everyone turns to look at me. It's beyond time to venture out into the real world again. "Sounds nice."
Jared smiles as if he's proud of me.
So do Lexi and Kit.
Chris winks at me.
"Yay!" Maddi says.
When I wake up Saturday morning, Jared's already gone and I'm positive my head is going to explode. The sunlight streaming through the window is too bright. It's hot, and moving makes me want to vomit. I manage to drag myself from the bed to close the blinds though.
I don't make it half a step before I have to make a mad dive for the trashcan.
I dry heave until my eyes water.
It only serves to make the stabbing pain in my head worse. Sweat drips from my brow.
I stumble into the living room with the trashcan in hand and blast the air conditioner before making my way back to the bedroom. I sit the trashcan beside me, pull my t-shirt off, and curl up in a miserable ball.
Migraines suck.
I reach out toward my bedside table, searching for my medication, and pop one of the pills. It dissolves on my tongue. The minty taste makes me dry heave again. When I finally stop, I pull the sheet over me, moaning.
Kit texts a few minutes later to ask if I'm ready to go, but there's no way I'm getting out of this bed. I won't survive a day at the beach this way. I let her know what's going on and tell her to have fun.
She texts back, telling me to rest, and I curl back up into a ball.
Before I know it, I'm out.
"Wake up, beautiful girl," Jared murmurs, cupping my cheek.
I moan and nuzzle into his hand. My head no longer pounds, but I'm drained. And freezing cold.
I shiver, reaching out for him without opening my eyes.
He chuckles and settles onto the bed beside me before scooping me up in his arms. He holds me against his chest like I'm a little girl. I burrow deeper into his arms, humming. His shirt is soft against my cheek and he smells delicious – like brandy and cinnamon and him.
"You didn't go to the beach," he says, his lips against my forehead.
"Migraine." I crack open one eye to peek over at him.
He's skipped shaving again, and the stubble along his cheeks is so sexy.
Heat twists through my stomach. My lips skim along the side of his throat.
Jared groans and hardens beneath me when I nip at his skin.
"I want you," I whisper into his ear.
He groans again. His hand slips down my body, and into my panties.
I gasp when his fingers sweep between my legs to brush across my clit.
"I thought you had a migraine," he says, teasing me.
"I did."
"Mm."
He touches me like he knows exactly how to make me come apart for him.
And I'm not cold anymore. I'm on fire – burning as he lifts me up into the heavens.
I cry out his name when I slip over the edge.
He holds me tightly, whispering the most erotic and beautiful words to me while I come down.
I'm so blissed out, I just hum.
"I love the way you smile after you come for me," he says, his voice soft and silky.
I shiver, loving the things he says to me. He's not vulgar like Toby was, or cruel. He speaks to me like I'm precious… something to cherish. As if what we do in this bedroom is beautiful to him.
It is to me, too.
We lay there for a long time, wrapped up in our own bubble. I want to return the favor and give him release, but I don't think I can move. I'm sore from head t
o toe, the aftereffects of the migraine still holding me in their clutches.
He doesn't seem to mind. He's content, happy just to hold me.
"I love you."
"I love you, too." He presses his lips to my forehead again.
"Is everyone home?" I ask him.
"No, it's barely noon."
"Oh." I thought it was later. "Why are you home so early?"
"Lexi called to tell me you stayed behind. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Oh," I say again. "You didn't have to come home early for me."
"Savannah," he says, his tone full of gentle reproach. "I wasn't doing anything that can't wait. Trust me, beautiful girl, there's nowhere else I'd rather be than right here with you."
"Okay." I yawn before snuggling back up to him.
"You tired?"
"No." I shake my head. He's here and we have the entire property to ourselves for a few hours. Sleeping is the last thing I want to do.
"Wanna make out with me in the pool?" he asks.
I laugh. I can't help it. He sounds like a little boy – both teasing and completely serious.
"Yeah," I say, kissing his cheek, "I'll make out with you in the pool."
"Do you believe in heaven?" I ask, kicking my feet to send ripples waving through the cool water.
"You ask the strangest questions," Jared murmurs even as he smiles over at me. The sun catches in his hair and my fingers ache to weave their way through the mess.
I do exactly that.
He hums his pleasure before lifting me up into his arms and settling me in front of him. His head finds its way into the crook of my shoulder. He sighs softly, content.
"This is heaven," he finally says. "Right here with you… not even God himself could compete with that."
"I love you," I breathe, turning my face up toward his.
"And I love you." His lips meet mine, softly, reverently.
He's right. This is heaven.
We kiss for a long, breathless moment. Being able to do this here – out in the open for the first time in weeks – is indescribable. We're not hiding today. We don't have to hide. Chris and Demetri are with the girls. Stewart's off until late evening. It's just me and Jared, sunshine and cool water.
He slips his hand into my top and rubs my nipple between his fingers.
I moan. Loudly.
"I want to make love to you," he says. "Right here."
My stomach bottoms out at the breathless hitch to his voice. It makes me feel powerful, bold.
I reach between us, and slide my hand into his trunks.
"Oh, fuck," he groans when I wrap my fingers around his length.
That word falling from his lips as if pulled from somewhere deep within him makes me crazy. I can't think through the haze of desire clouding my mind. My lungs are full of him. I pump my hand up and down, exploring every inch of him. He's so big. So hard.
"I need you," I tell him.
He doesn't make me say it twice.
He sets me off of his lap and slips into the water. Before I can miss him, he's back, pulling me down into the pool with him. The water is cool against my overheated skin, but I don't care. My legs go around his waist. My hands find their way into his hair. His lips meet mine, his kiss frantic.
He splashes through the water to the deep steps, and sits.
In a matter of moments, he pushes the bottom of my suit to the side and presses himself inside me. He moans against my lips when I sink down on top of him, taking all of him. My top is pulled down so he can explore my skin.
His breath is hot as he pulls my nipples into his mouth, one and then the other.
Water splashes against us every time I rise up and slide back down onto him.
His hands span my waist, helping to lift me until it feels like I'm flying.
"Christ, beautiful girl," he groans, his tongue on my breast, "the things I want to do to you."
His words are so honest, I can't breathe. I'm excited. I'm scared. Part of me trembles, the past trying to invade into this moment. Trying to claw its way free and pull me into that ugly place where Toby kept me – the one where I feel dirty inside and out. As if I'm a whore.
I want to ask Jared what he means, but no words come out. I'm frozen, unable to move as fear and desire battle within me, fighting for dominion.
Jared notices, freezing instantly. His eyes fly up to mine. I don't know what he sees on my face, but guilt washes through his expression, burning away desire.
"I'm sorry, beautiful girl," he says, and then his arms are around me, pulling me into a hug. His heart pounds against my chest. "I'm sorry."
And I don't want him to be sorry. I want him to be able to lose himself with me – to say what he wants and needs from me because he isn't Toby, and this isn't how it was then. Jared is different. We're different. And Toby doesn't get to take this away from me, too. He doesn't get to take Jared.
I'm the master of my fate.
"Don't stop," I whisper to Jared, shifting.
He's still inside me, still so hard. He tilts my face to his, searching intently.
"Don't stop," I whisper again. "Please."
For long moments, he just stares at me.
"I trust you," I tell him, and shift again.
His head falls back, another of those masculine, beautiful groans falling from his lips… and just like that, he's back with me. His hands settle on my waist again, lifting me up and pulling me back down. He's gentle. But I don't want slow and soft this time, and I know he doesn't either.
"Please. I need more."
Those words seem to tear through him, releasing him from his restraints. He turns us until I'm sprawled across the steps on my hands and knees. He hovers over me on his forearms, water dripping from his body.
"Savannah… Christ," he moans, sinking into me from behind.
And then he lets go.
I'm crying out over and over as he takes me right there on the steps, fast and hard. His body slaps against mine, causing the water around us to splash and ripple. The cement scrapes at my knees. The sun beats down on my back. Low moans pour from my lips in an endless chant. I grasp the edge of the pool, clawing when he digs his fingertips into my hips and holds me still to his thrusts. He strikes deeply, hitting every nerve-ending in my body over and over.
Sparks ignite inside me with each thrust, a current of heightened sensation running through me.
It's so amazing, I think I'm going to scream.
And then I do – a scream breaks from my lips as orgasm slams into me from out of nowhere.
My heart races. My lips and toes tingle. Every part of me is blissed out.
"Savannah, Savannah," he chants, and then he's coming, too. He sinks into me all the way and stops moving, a half-sob, half-growl ripping from his chest. "I love you. Fuck, I love you," he says, releasing inside of me.
I peek over my shoulder at him, and he takes my breath away. He looks fierce and radiant. A golden angel with a sated smile dancing at his lips. Pleasure is stamped across his face, his green eyes wild and unrestrained.
I did this to him, I think, staring at him. I made him lose control like this.
I've never felt as beautiful or powerful as I do in this moment.
Chapter Twenty: You and I
We play around in the pool for hours afterward, only climbing out when my fingers have pruned and a sunburn kisses my skin. I'm tired in a way that has nothing to do with my earlier migraine, and everything to do with how content I feel. I've soaked up so much happiness, my heart can't hold anymore.
I never want to forget this day.
Jared laces his fingers through mine as we head back to the pool house to clean up. He hums under his breath – some song I don't know, but I instantly love it.
"What is that song?" I ask.
He holds the door wide open for me, allowing me to enter in front of him.
The pool house is massive. A big flat-screen television hangs on the wall between two wide windows, com
fortable, sturdy furniture grouped beneath. A fully stocked bar stretches across the far side of the room. Two showers and a closet of pool supplies take up the back wall.
Jared leads me toward the showers, still humming his song. Only when he's adjusted the water to his liking and pulled me beneath does he answer my question.
"It's John Legend," he says, wrapping his arms around me from behind.
Warm water beats down on me, washing away the sticky chemicals clinging to my skin.
Jared croons the lyrics of the song into my ear. His hands are in my hair, massaging my scalp.
I've never heard him sing before, but his voice it beautiful. Sincerity rings in every word of his song, making me feel like I truly am the only woman in the world to him.
Happiness bubbles up inside of me until I'm immersed in it.
I hum, relaxing into him.
He strips me naked, dropping my suit to the floor, and then reaches for the soap. I don't have to do anything as he washes me clean. The scent of lavender surrounds us. His hands are everywhere. He pays painstaking attention to every inch of my skin, gently scrubbing me clean, before he nudges me back beneath the spray of water.
Soap runs in rivulets down my body.
And then it's my turn to wash him clean.
My hands tremble against him like I've never touched him before. I take my time, my fingertips dancing over the muscles in his chest and abdomen, down his sides and across his back. When I reach for his erection, he groans and pulls me in for a lingering kiss.
"If you touch me, I won't be able to stop," he warns against my lips.
I wrap my fingers around him without hesitation.
"Savannah," he whispers.
His green eyes tangle with mine as I stroke him, the soap acting as a lubricant. We maintain eye contact the entire time I'm touching him. It's so intimate, I feel like he's staring into my soul, filling all of those places up with himself. I see the world reflected in his gaze, and I think it's exactly the same for him.
I don't stop until his head falls back and he moans my name, coming against my fingers.
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