She's beautiful. Intelligent. Caring. Successful. His perfect match.
And I'm just me. Just scars and insecurities – a dull brown lump next to a Barbie doll.
"Thank you for letting me say goodbye," I whisper to her when I reach the top of the stairs.
She opens her mouth and then closes it, frowning.
"I'll be quick." I slip into Madeline's room before she can answer me.
A nightlight shines from the connected bathroom, and early morning sunlight filters into the room. Everything is soft and pink. Justin Bieber's face stares back at me from everywhere, reminding me of how I sat with Maddi after the funeral. It's barely been two months, but so much has happened since then.
And Maddi… sweet Maddi.
Her pink and brown comforter is pulled to her chin. Her long lashes rest against her cheeks. Her face is slackened from the heavy drugs pumping through her fragile system. And she's so banged up. There are scratches across her little face. A huge bandage wraps around her head, hiding those beautiful blonde ringlets. Her cheek is bruised. Her broken arm rests on top of the blankets, covered in a hot pink cast.
Tears spring to my eyes as I stare at her. She looks so bad – and it's my fault.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, lifting my hand to stroke her cheek, but she's so bruised I don't know where to touch her without hurting her. I drop my hand instead and squat beside the bed.
She mumbles something in her sleep, so softly I can't catch the words.
"I love you, Maddi," I tell her, leaning over to kiss her.
She moans when my lips meet her forehead.
I jerk back, afraid I've hurt her.
"Daddy," she mumbles… and I realize she's not moaning because of me. She's crying for Matthew. A tear trickles down her cheek before disappearing into the bandage covering her head.
That makes me angry.
How could someone put such a sweet child through all of this? She's only eleven, and someone's stolen her father from her. Stolen her sense of safety. Her peace and security.
In what world is that fair?
"I'm sorry," I whisper to her again before rising to my feet.
I stare at her for a long time, and it helps. I still don't want to go. My heart is mangled, completely ruined, but seeing her reminds me of why leaving is the right thing to do. She needs Jared to keep her safe, to make sure this never happens again and she doesn't lose anyone else she loves. Not even the selfish, childish part of myself wants to stand in the way of that.
After a few minutes, I slip back out of her room, pulling the door closed behind me. My gaze darts toward Jared's door, but it's closed tight. That's probably for the best. I'm not sure I have it in me to tell him goodbye again.
Lexi still stands at the top of the stairs. She watches me with this solemn expression on her face. I try to smile at her to let her know everything's okay, but it wobbles on my face and falls.
"Take care of her," I say.
She nods.
I can't think of anything else to say, so I start for the stairs.
"Wait."
I stop.
"Do you hate me?" she asks when I turn back around to face her.
"I–" The words won't come so I shake my head.
"This is your home too, you know?" She swipes at her eyes like she expects to find tears there, but there aren't any. Maybe she's finally run out of them. "You're part of our family, too. I don't want you to feel as if you have to leave or that I don't want you here, because that's not true."
"I know, but I think I have to go anyway."
"I wish you didn't," she whispers. "Making him choose wasn't fair."
"You did what you had to do. I don't blame you for that, Lexi." I take a deep breath. "Just… take care of him for me. Make sure he knows – make sure he knows what happened wasn't his fault. And make sure… make sure he's happy, okay?" That's all I want. For Jared to be happy. Even if it's not with me, I want him to be happy. He deserves that much.
I turn to start down the stairs again when she reaches out and grabs my arm.
"Promise me you'll come home when this is over," she says.
And I want to promise her. I so desperately want to tell her that I'll be back… but I don't belong here. I never have.
"Take care," I whisper instead and hurry down the stairs.
She doesn't try to stop me this time.
I make it all the way outside without crying.
Kit's already loaded my stuff into her car. She's in the driver's seat, waiting for me. I stop for a minute, glance back at the mansion, and then over at the guesthouse. My heart aches again, like maybe it's not finished breaking.
I'm halfway to the car when someone grabs me.
Before I can make a sound, Jared's spinning me around. His expression is fierce, burning so brightly not even the rising sun can compete. He drags me into his arms and kisses me. And even though I shouldn't, I kiss him back. On and on until I can't breathe. I'm crying again, tears slipping silently down my face as this beautiful man pours his soul into our kiss.
"I love you," he whispers when he pulls back. Searing jade strips me of every last defense I have. "I love you so fucking much, beautiful girl."
I want to tell him I love him too, but I can't.
"I want you to remember something for me," he whispers, staring into my eyes. He reaches out to stroke my cheekbones, his fingers gentle against my face. "Can you do that for me, love?"
Words fail so I nod.
"I want you to remember that it's you. It's only ever been you. Forever." He kisses me softly. "Can you remember that for me, Savannah?"
"Jared–" His name is a pitiful sob as I throw myself into his arms. Tears pour down my face.
"Beautiful girl," he chastises, gathering me up against his strong chest. "I love you. No matter what, I love you."
"I love you," I whisper.
I don't know how to say goodbye to him again, so I don't. I let him hold me for a long moment, and then I slip away. He presses something into my hand as I start to walk away, but I don't dare look at it. Every part of me demands I stop, turn around, go back… but I don't. I keep walking on numb legs until I'm at the car.
I climb in, buckle my seatbelt, and close my eyes.
I don't open them again until Kit and I have left the Talbot estate far behind.
When I do, I realize he's returned my ring.
I start crying again.
"My roommate moved in with her boyfriend a few months ago, so it's just me," Kit says when we drag my bags up to her dorm half an hour later.
The room is small, but she's made it a home. Pictures of her family are scattered around the desk and bookshelves. There's even a few of me. A beautiful painting of the mansion hangs on the wall between the two twin beds. It reminds me so much of her room at the mansion… I hesitate in the doorway for a long moment.
She drops one of my bags on the bed across from hers, and turns back to me. "You okay, Savannah?"
No.
"Yeah, fine," I lie, stepping inside and pulling the door shut behind me. Crossing the room, I set my other bag beside the bed, and just stand there for a minute. Jared's ring is in my pocket, and it feels so heavy, the weight dragging me down into brutal depths. I just want to curl up and disappear, go somewhere far away, where my heart isn't broken and I actually get to keep Jared.
Kit offers me a sad smile, and I know she doesn't believe me.
"I have class at nine," she says instead of trying to force me to talk. "We can get you unpacked when I get back if you want."
"Okay." I glance at the clock. It's only seven thirty. For some reason, I've forgotten that she has classes. That I'll be here alone most of the day – I'm still a charity case in a world I don't fit into. Here because I have nowhere else to go.
"Do you want to get something to eat?" she asks. "Or take a quick tour?"
The thought of food or facing people makes my stomach churn.
"That's okay. I think I'm just goi
ng to rest for a while."
"Okay. I guess I'll… go see if Grayson's up yet."
Things have never been this awkward between the two of us.
I have no clue what to say to her and I don't think she knows what to say to me either.
"I'll start looking for an apartment this afternoon," I mumble. The thought of being completely on my own is overwhelming. I don't even know where to begin.
"Savannah, you can stay here as long as you need to," Kit sighs. "You're family."
Everyone keeps saying that to me, but I'm having a hard time believing it.
Why don't I fit anywhere? Or belong anywhere?
What is wrong with me?
"C–can you do me a favor?"
"Yeah."
I take a deep breath again. "I think – I think I need to talk to someone. To a therapist. Can – Will you help me find one?"
Kit stares at me for a long moment, and then she nods. "Yeah, I can help."
Chapter Twenty-Four: Fix You
"Savannah Martin?"
I'm sitting on another hard bench, toying anxiously with the hem of my shirt. Students pass by every so often, but it's late evening. Most classes are over for the day. I've been with Kit for… four days? Five? I don't even remember. They seem to bleed together in a parade of tears and self-doubt. I force myself to get up every day and go outside. To walk around and learn how to deal with life on my own.
I still feel like I'm drowning.
I'm not sleeping. I haven't eaten much. Jared haunts me. Every time I see someone that even vaguely resembles him, every part of me screams. And then I realize it's not him and the world crashes down around me again, shattering me apart all over again.
He hasn't called me. Hasn't come to see me.
It's my own fault, but I hate it. Hate how final this whole thing seems, as if it truly is over between us for good.
The stark hopelessness that thought leaves in its wake kills me.
Kit's busy cramming for finals. I think maybe she's avoiding me. I'm not good company. She hasn't mentioned Jared to me, but I know she's been back to the mansion. She goes every day to spend time with Maddi and Lexi. I think she'd drop her classes and go home if Lexi would let her.
If she's noticed the guards Chris and Jared have following her, she hasn't said anything to me about them. I've noticed them though. There are two of them. They could pass for college students, but they're a little too attentive – always in the same vicinity as she is, always scanning the area as if expecting someone to jump out and kidnap her.
There's one following me, too. He knows I've seen him. He just nods at me and keeps on though. I haven't bothered asking for him to stop. I don't think it'll make a difference if I do. And I'm too cowardly to call Jared and demand he call the guy off. That would require that I speak to him when I can't even think about him without pieces of me breaking apart.
"Miss Martin?"
I jump when a hand lands on my arm.
A woman stands in front of me, a concerned frown on her face. She's dressed comfortably, but her clothing is expensive, put together. She's pretty, with jet black hair and hazel eyes. Maybe forty or forty-five years old.
"Y–yes?"
"Are you Savannah Martin?" she asks.
I nod.
She holds her hand out to me. "I'm Gloria Stephens. I believe Katrina Talbot sent you to see me."
Oh.
"Um… yeah." I climb to my feet. My palms are suddenly sweating. I think I might pass out or throw up. I've never seen a therapist before. I mean, I've seen them as people, but not ever in a patient/therapist setting. I've never been the one on the couch….
I don't think I can do this.
She watches me for a moment and then offers me a warm smile. "Let's go to my office."
I stand there for a minute, fighting the urge to flee in the other direction.
I'm the master of my fate. I'm the master of my fate.
Funny how hard it is to believe that without Jared standing beside me.
Jared.
God, I miss him.
"Okay," I whisper when tears burn at my eyes again.
Gloria's office is nice. It's full of soothing colors and inspirational quotes. She doesn't have a couch. Instead, she's got two big, comfortable chairs situated on the far side of the office, as far from the massive desk as she can get them. Books line the walls, all kinds of books. It's… safe. Comfortable.
Gloria motions for me to have a seat, and then takes the one opposite me. She doesn't have a clipboard or a file folder or anything. It's just me and her and the kitten hanging on to a fraying rope on the poster on the wall across from me. I've seen it before.
"What brings you here, Savannah?" Gloria asks. Her tone is gentle, inquisitive.
"Um…." I stare at her for a minute, not sure where to start or even what brought me here. There have been so many individual moments that put me on this path. I can't pick a single one as the last straw. I think the last two years have been nothing but a parade of last straws.
I think she notices my panic because she smiles at me.
"Why don't you start at the beginning," she suggests. "Take all the time you need."
So I do. I start at the beginning.
"My mom abandoned me when I was fourteen," I whisper. I don't think I've ever said those words out loud before. They don't hurt as badly as I expected them, too. "She was there one day, and the next she was just… gone."
She wasn't necessarily a great mom even before then, but she was there. She fed me. Made sure I had clothes and a place to sleep. Convinced Matthew and Caitlyn to help pay for me to go to school with Lexi and Kit as part of her salary… Even now, I can't understand why she just left me and never came back.
How could she keep me for fourteen years and then just leave?
Why didn't she want me?
"Have you spoken with her since?" Gloria asks.
"She sent me a birthday card when I turned sixteen."
There was no return address. Was she scared Matthew and Caitlyn were going to hunt her down and force her to take me back? I've always wondered that. I even asked Caitlyn, but she promised me they had no interest in returning me to her if I didn't want to go. And then Caitlyn died in her sleep a week later.
If Matthew ever considered searching for my mom after that, he never told me. He just let me stay.
"And that was your last communication with her?"
"Yes."
"Katrina mentioned that you grew up with the Talbots?"
"I–yes. Her parents were my legal guardians. My dad died when I was a baby."
"And the Talbots are gone now, too."
I nod.
"I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how it must feel to lose so many people so young," Gloria says.
And it's the first time anyone has said that to me. As if I lost my parents when Lexi, and Kit, and Maddi did. As if… well, as if I really am part of the Talbot family.
I don't mean to, but I start to cry again.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kit asks me two weeks later. Finals are kicking her butt, and she's exhausted, little lines etched around her mouth. She's been up studying half the night for the last three days, only crawling into the bed when she can't hold her eyes open any longer.
"I'm sure," I say, trying to fold up my clothes to fit them back into my suitcases.
"I don't think you should live by yourself right now." Kit stares me, chewing on her bottom lip. "At least not until the FBI catches whoever's trying to ruin T.I."
"I highly doubt whoever it is will bother with me," I tell her. T.I. has nothing to do with me. And I don't think I'm important enough for someone to try to manipulate Lexi by hurting me. She and I haven’t spoken since I left. Gloria thinks I should call her, but I haven't worked up the nerve yet. I haven't had the courage to call Jared either, though I have spoken with Maddi and Chris. He took me car shopping on Tuesday.
"What about this one?" Chris asks me, pointing toward a
sleek black Camaro.
The car is gorgeous, but I don't think it's me. It's expensive and a little bit more car than I want. Besides, what the hell am I supposed to do with a Camaro?
"Pass," I mumble, running my gaze across the lot. My eye fall on a deep green Charger tucked between a Mustang and some weird cube type of car. The Charger is probably more car than I need, too, but it's beautiful.
I start walking toward it.
"Now that's what I'm talking about," Chris says when he realizes where I'm headed.
He follows behind me, doing the guy thing and inspecting the engine while I walk around the car. I can't stop staring at it. It's so pathetic, but I haven't seen Jared in weeks, and the car reminds me of him – of the way his eyes would darken when he made love to me.
I pop the door open and peek inside. We're not even at a new car dealer, but that new car smell hits me anyway. The interior is black. The car looks brand new. It's in my price range. And the color….
"I want this one," I say, instantly making a decision.
Chris pops his head out from beneath the hood. "Yeah?"
"Yes."
He grins at me like I've made the best choice ever.
"But–"
"I've already signed the lease," I break in before Kit can come up with another argument. She's been trying for the last two days, but I've stood my ground. It's time for me to stop hiding out in her dorm, time for me to try to get on with my life.
I have no clue how I'm going to do that when Jared still haunts my dreams every single night, but I'm suffocating on campus. I love Kit, but there are far too many people around. I never before realized how loud people our age can be, but they never shut up. Ever. It's driving me crazy.
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