by Billy Miner
I still remember the day I met Josh. He was shy, but he seemed nice. After school, I went over, introduced myself, and I was confident that our chemistry grades would skyrocket.
But that didn’t happen.
Instead of a true partner who was sincerely interested in creating powerful potions, I got someone who was staring at my eyes all day. Sometimes I had to snap my fingers to make him pay attention. It was as if he was just daydreaming and wasn’t “all there.”
That one time… oh, I still remember how embarrassing it was.
We blew up the mixture. It was an accident. But I was glad he was there to push me to the ground.
I don’t think it would have ended well if he hadn’t done that, so yes, I was grateful.
“Thank you for pushing me away and saving me,” I told him.
And then he didn’t even answer me. He just stayed on top of me. Hello! Get off me already! I’m okay! You don’t have to protect me anymore.
And then, the worst moment of the day… he tried to kiss me. No way, dude. I am not that quick. I thought you were my friend, and now you’re abusing that relationship to get your own gratification, and in the middle of class, of all places. So I left class, but he didn’t seem to get the hint.
That very evening, I received a bunch of roses and a poem in terrible handwriting. I appreciated the effort, but I wasn’t ready for that “yucky stuff,” and he didn’t seem to understand that. The note said the following,
Dear Kimberley,
This is Josh.
I won’t try to sound posh.
I love you for who you are.
You are my heaven, my shining star.
Please become my girl.
I will end with a swirl (wait, that didn’t make any sense… oh well).
You will be happy in my arms.
I will be waiting at the farms.
Was this guy stalking me? He didn’t actually expect me to meet him behind some farm and start kissing and holding hands, did he? Come on! We hardly knew each other. In my eyes, he was the same as all the other boys who were just interested in my looks.
The answer to my question came the next day, and the next day, and the next day. He really was stalking me, because he kept sending me notes each day. I hated it.
Entry 3: Oh, If Only
Oh, if only she would return my notes! I kept sending her notes by knocking on her door and leaving them on the doorstep. I couldn’t buy anymore flowers, since my money ran out, but that’s okay. I just had to take it step by step.
I wasn’t sure if she was interested in me, seeing that she didn’t give me a lot of attention after that. She never said “hi” again or smiled when we walked out of the school. I didn’t understand it. I thought we were destined to be together. Was my first love going to end up in a broken heart and a lot of tears?
No.
Never.
I wasn’t going to cry. I was just going to keep trying. I couldn’t do much more in chemistry class, because all she did, was talking about substances, potions, and other boring stuff. I just wanted to get to know her, you know, learn more about the amazing person she was. But she didn’t allow it. She didn’t reveal anything about herself. In fact, the harder I tried, the more distance I felt between us, as if she was avoiding me or something.
I daydreamt so many times during those hours, listening to her going on about this or that potions, but secretly wondering what it would be like if we actually kissed, played on the same swing set together, or told everyone about our relationship. I was already picturing her in a bathing suit, in a ballroom dress, a warm winter jacket, a white top, and in some tight gym clothes… not necessarily in that order. But reality hit me every time she got “down to business” and created another successful potion.
So I had to do something. This wasn’t going anywhere. I had to take action and stop messing around. The notes weren’t helping our relationship, and neither were the many suggestive remarks I made about her beautiful eyes during chemistry class. I had to go big!
I went a little overboard. I got a megaphone, a trumpet, and a fancy outfit to go with it. I was going to surprise her in public. Then she would see how devoted I really was.
That day, I stood on a huge rock when she walked out the front doors. It was unfortunate that it had rained a little and that it was slippery everywhere, but it wasn’t going to stop me from fulfilling my mission.
She was talking to her friends again, and she didn’t have a clue what I was going to do for her. I saw her, and my heart started beating faster. There she was; would she appreciate my gesture?
“Kimberley!” I said through the megaphone.
Everyone turned towards me. Any time there was something going on at the school, the kids would watch. Nobody had ever done this before, so I guess they thought it would be entertaining. Kimberley didn’t look very happy to see me though. But she listened nonetheless.
“Kimberley I want you to know how much you mean to me! I love you with all my heart. That’s why I composed this song for you.”
I put down the megaphone and picked up the trumpet. Then I played a cheerful tune on the loud instrument, with the hope to win her over and make her see my devotion to her.
But it went wrong.
It went terribly wrong.
The muddy rock I was standing on turned against me… that evil, stupid rock. It made me slip! I fell and dropped the trumpet, ending up on the ground in a big pool of mud. All the children laughed, and when I looked up at Kimberley, who was standing on top of the stairs, I think I even noticed her giggling too. It was even more embarrassing than my failed kissing attempt in the chemistry room. I felt awful. I wished it had never happened.
Entry 4: Made Me Laugh
I was getting tired of all of Josh’s notes. I had already been throwing them away, since they all said the same thing: That we were meant to be together and that he wouldn’t let me go. Well, that all sounded very romantic and all, but everyone could write a note like that. It didn’t prove anything.
And then there was that one day, the day he decided to act like an idiot in public. I stepped out of the school and heard my name.
“Kimberley!”
What? Who was calling my name? Oh no, you’ve got to be kidding me. It was Josh. What was he DOING? He got out a megaphone and declared his love for me, after which he fell flat on his face in an attempt to play the trumpet.
I felt a little sorry for him. Not much, but just a little. After all, it wasn’t his fault that it was so muddy that day, and he was trying to be sweet by performing his song for me. I felt flattered. I kind of liked what he did, but at the same time, it was pretty funny too when he slipped and ended up in the mud. He made me laugh, and I liked him for that.
When I looked at his face, I couldn’t help but notice that he felt completely embarrassed. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Poor guy. Hopefully he would get over it soon, because he didn’t deserve to be laughed at.
Entry 5: No More Drama
I had HAD it. It was over. The moment I slipped on that muddy rock, I was discouraged and disheartened. Why was I going through so much effort to get a girl that wouldn’t even give me a chance? My heart was broken, and I have to admit I even had to fight back tears that evening. This gesture was supposed to be the one to convince her to love me back, and there she was laughing at my misery.
It was over!
No more Kimberley!
I was going to let the pain settle and get over her. I didn’t need her in my life. Just because she had a cute face, didn’t mean she was meant to be my partner. Maybe it was just a crush, something that a lot of guys go through… a bunch of hormones playing with my brain and making me nervous.
Who did this girl think she was for treating me like that? It wasn’t like she was any more special than the next girl. So yes, I was going to let it pass. It figured I would have to take some time to heal, but if that was how it was going to be, then I wouldn’t care.
I didn’t care what she thought of me. I was handsome and nice and cool and smart. I didn’t need her to tell me that I was worth something. This was it.
The very next day, some of the children still looked at me and laughed, but not everyone thought it was funny, which surprised me, to be honest. I entered the school hallway, and a couple of girls came to me and said, “We think it’s really sweet what you did for Kimberley. And the least she could have done, was help you up. We think she is mean, but you’re a nice guy. Just wanted you to know that.”
Really? Did I just become popular for making such an embarrassing mistake? Maybe slipping and falling into the mud was the way climb the social ladder. I thought it was hilarious.
But it didn’t stop there.
A few minutes later, another girl came and said, “Hey, Josh. I thought it was really courageous what you did for Kimberley.” She handed me a note and said, “My name is Margie. If you want to come over sometime, then just go to this address. That’s where I live. It would be awesome to have you in our home.”
Was she just doing this to mock me? Was she feeling sorry for me? Or was she actually sincerely interested in me?
Girls… ugh… I didn’t understand them.
But hey, I loved the attention. I mean, who wouldn’t have?
And no, it didn’t stop there either, because after class, another girl came to me and did the same thing. She handed me her address and smiled, telling me to come play with her sometime. By the time school was over, I had collected 17 addresses from girls who had been approaching me.
I was standing on the playground again, listening to Darius, who was telling me how lucky I was to be so popular with the girls. Some other friends reaffirmed the same fact and expressed their desire to be in my shoes. Within a few minutes, some more girls came to me and complimented me on my musical skills, my guts, and my fancy outfit of the day I fell in the mud. They said I looked “hot in a suit” and asked me questions about my hobbies and interests.
Kimberley was exiting the school. I glanced at her from the corner of my eyes. She was looking back at me. But neither of us were smiling. There was nothing left. It was over.
Entry 6: What Was Wrong with Me?
The next day, I got mean looks from some of the girls in school. Did they blame me for not returning Josh’s love? Seriously? It wasn’t my fault that he made a fool out of himself, was it? No, I wasn’t going to have these girls manipulate me.
But something else happened that shocked me. Josh got a lot of attention from some of the girls. They all went to him and told him how awesome he was after doing what he did for me. I just didn’t understand it.
“Why is everyone so interested in Josh all of a sudden?” I asked.
“Don’t you see?” my best friend Tara said. “Every girl would feel special if a guy went overboard like that to declare his love for her. What he did, shows that he was courageous and that he put effort into a romantic gesture. Do you know how many of the guys here at school have none of that?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I admitted. But I still thought the girls exaggerated. I mean, it was just Josh. It wasn’t like he was that much more special than the other guys, or was he?
I felt the green monster become stronger and stronger. Every time I saw Josh talk to another girl, I was boiling up inside. I didn’t mind him feeling a little better about himself. I mean, I thought he was a nice guy, so maybe he deserved the attention for once. But why did the girls make such a big deal out of it?
I couldn’t stand it, and for some reason, I caught myself looking again and again, seeing if another girl would go up Josh, who had just found some new confidence in the popularity game. And although I had a hard time admitting it at the time, I even tried to look at him from the corners of my eyes when there weren’t any girls around him, just to see him. Maybe they were right. He was kind of handsome.
Ugh… what was wrong with me? We’re talking about Josh here, the boy who was so desperately stalking me a few days earlier. Come on, Kimberley… get over yourself.
That night, Tara came over.
“So what is happening with Josh?” I asked.
“Excuse me?” she said. “What are you talking about?”
“Josh. Did Josh go to any of those girls yet?”
She smiled. Then she laughed.
“What?” I asked.
“You are so in denial, girl,” she said. “You are into Josh.”
“No, I’m not, I said, trying to hide my own smile.”
“Yes, you are. You are falling for him. Ha-ha! I guess his little gesture with the trumpet worked, didn’t it?”
I thought for a moment. I didn’t like that Tara saw right through me.
“But to answer your question,” she continued, “I don’t think he went to any of those addresses. I think he’s still not over you. It takes time, you know.”
“I guess so.”
“So what are you going to do about it?” Tara asked.
“Me? What do I have to do?”
“Well, now that he is Mr. Popular with the girls, your chances have reduced significantly. Love is like chess. He made a move and you did nothing. It’s your move, Kimberley. So what are you going to do?”
That was an excellent question. I didn’t know. I had barely discovered my own feelings for Josh, and still had a hard time admitting them.
Entry 7: Not Sure
It was Friday. The school ended early. I wasn’t expecting much, besides maybe a few more names and addresses from girls, and even though the sun was shining, I encountered one of my worst fears.
“We have to talk,” Kimberley said when she saw me.
I didn’t really want to talk. I was done with her. She had insulted me, laughed at me, and left me alone when I was hurt. I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation, but I just went along with it.
We walked around the school building and stood under a tree, away from the crowd and invisible to the other kids. For a personal moment, this was definitely the best spot.
“I like you,” Kimberley said. “And I don’t just mean as friends. I didn’t realize it at first, and I guess I wasn’t open to your gestures and moves, but now I am, and I want you to know that.”
“Uhm… okay,” I said. I felt so awkward.
“So what’s it going to be?” she said.
“You know,” I said. “You are very forward. I actually don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know? You said you were in love with me. Everybody in the whole school heard you say it.”
“Yes, but that’s before you laughed at me and rejected me,” I said. “Now I am not so sure if I want you anymore.”
“But… but why?” she asked.
I didn’t have an answer, but I saw that she was getting very upset. A few tears streamed down her face, and I almost felt bad for making her feel this way, but I had to stick to my principles. It was over. No second chances. If she didn’t want me back then, then why did she want me now? Was it just because she saw me with all those girls and became jealous? Did she just want what nobody else could have, so that she could show me off to her friends? Since her motives were questionable at least, I was reluctant to respond.
“I will think about it,” I finally said, after which I went home and did what I said.
So many things went through my head, and I don’t know if it was good timing, but my friend Darius showed up again.
“So how have you been?” he asked. “Did you choose one of the girls from school yet? There are a lot who are interested in you. And since you have an entire list, you have the power of choice. Personally, I would go for Margie. She is super cute.”
“Kimberley talked to me,” I said.
“What?”
“She wants me. She just said it. And now I don’t know what to do.”
“Listen, Josh. I’ve known you for a long time now, and I honestly think you can do better than that. She rejected you and now she wants you? Sounds fishy to
me. Just close the chapter already.”
“But I really felt something. It wasn’t just a crush. I know it. I only put her out of my mind because she was so uncertain and had to warm up to me. Then again, you’re right. I don’t have to go for her. She didn’t want me and that’s what she gets.”
We talked a lot more that evening, but you know how it is with boys. They don’t just talk, so we didn’t either. We played games, played sports, and sometimes made a few remarks about my controversial situation.
I just didn’t know. It confused me. I was crazy about her and angry at her at the same time. How could those two emotions exist in the same mind? It didn’t make any sense.
Entry 8: Come On, Please…
I wanted him back. Well, I never had him in the first place, but you know what I mean. I wanted him to love me again, even stalk me, if he liked doing it. I missed being flattered. I missed the attention. I noticed how jealous I was when other girls talked to him, and I couldn’t bear to think him being in a relationship with another.
But that was not all. I had come to know him during all the chemistry projects. He was smart, he was sweet, and he certainly made me laugh sometimes. I guess I just didn’t see what kind of guy he really was at first, but now that he had opened my eyes, I didn’t want anyone else.
I loved him.
So after school, I went to talk to him. I opened up my heart. I was desperate to get another chance, to have him see me again for how he saw me at first. He kept saying that I had laughed at him, and that I had been ignoring and rejecting him. But why couldn’t he have given me some more time? If he had just been a little bit more persistent, I would have warmed up to him, which I eventually did anyway. Why was he so impatient that he needed me to return his love within days? I couldn’t make a rash decision like that. It’s not fair to ask that from a girl.