‘Good luck with that.’ I manage a sort-of smile before climbing out of the car and retrieving my bags from the boot, which Ryan helps me to carry to the door. ‘I don’t think I’ll make it to the quiz tonight. My head’s full of enough unanswered questions at the moment.’
‘Everything will be fine, you know.’ Ryan pulls me into a hug and I hope that he’s right. At this moment in time, it doesn’t feel like anything will ever be fine again. ‘And Ben doesn’t have to know any of this. We can still go to the wedding and show him how fabulous you are.’
‘Thanks, Ryan.’ I kiss his cheek before unlocking the door. I find Mum in the back garden with Clara. They’re making their way through a bottle of wine as they pore over books and magazines spread out on the table.
‘Hi, love. Grab a glass and join us.’ Mum picks up the bottle of wine and gives it a jiggle. ‘We’re looking at ideas for Clara’s wedding.’
My stomach drops at the word ‘wedding’. In less than a fortnight, Francesca will be getting married and I’ll have to pretend I’m loved up when all I want to do is bury myself under my covers and hibernate until the ache stops.
‘Is Ryan not with you?’ Mum asks when I return with a glass. I fill it almost to the brim.
‘No.’ I take a large gulp. ‘I’m here on my own. In fact, I’m moving back home if that’s ok with you.’
Mum gasps, dropping the magazine she’s been studying. It thumps onto the table, knocking into her glass of wine but Clara manages to right it just in time. ‘Oh, love. What’s happened?’ She elbows the bridal magazine away, as though the grinning bride will offend me. Which she does, the smug cow.
I’m about to tell Mum our practised speech, the one we’ve had worked out from the start. Ryan and I have come to realise that we’re better off being just friends.
But I can’t do it. I’ve had enough of the lies. They’ve caused nothing but trouble. And so I tell Mum the truth.
‘Ryan and I were never together. We’ve been pretending all this time.’
As I recount the details of my plan, I realise how petty and childish it all sounds. No wonder Adam doesn’t want to be with me. He must think I’m a complete idiot and I agree with him. What was I thinking?
‘Are you angry with me?’ I ask once the whole story has emerged.
‘Oh, love. I’m not angry.’ Mum grasps my hand and gives it a squeeze. ‘I’m just disappointed.’
Which is even worse, obviously.
‘So what’s happening with this Adam?’ Clara asks. I found that once I started confessing, the whole story came tumbling out, including Adam and Katey-Louise’s little bombshell.
‘Nothing.’ I take a gulp of wine. Then another. ‘He doesn’t want to be with me and I can’t blame him.’
‘Nonsense,’ Clara scoffs. ‘Everyone has a past – just look at Graham. He was married before we met and now we’re getting married ourselves.’
‘That’s different.’
Clara shakes her head. ‘Not really. His ex is a nightmare. She still interferes in his life and as annoying as that is, I won’t let that stop me being with the man I love.’ Clara reaches across the table and grasps my hand. ‘We all have baggage, Delilah, but we don’t have to let it get in our way. If Adam cares about you, he’ll realise that.’
I’m not sure Adam and I will be able to clear my baggage enough to fix our relationship but I appreciate Clara’s words and they at least give me a tiny shred of hope that we’ll find our way.
I leave Mum and Clara to it. I can’t stomach the sight of all those blushing brides – it was a wedding that got me in this mess in the first place. Dragging my bags upstairs, I start to unpack but give up a few minutes into the task and flop down onto my bed.
How could I have been such an idiot? Had I really believed I could get away with fabricating a new life, lying to everybody I care about in the process? It isn’t only Mum who’s disappointed in me. I’m disappointed in myself.
There’s a light tap at the door. Using my sleeve, I quickly wipe the self-loathing tears from my cheeks.
‘Mum said you were back,’ Justin says from a safe distance away. Only his head is poking through and it makes me realise how bad I must look if even Justin – who is used to and actively enjoys disgusting things – is repelled by the sight of me. ‘Are you ok?’
I stare at Justin, a wall of suspicion immediately laying itself around me, bricking me into its security. ‘I’ve been better.’ I can’t help the narrowing of my eyes. What is he up to?
‘Do you want a cup of tea or anything?’ Justin looks as uncomfortable as I feel as he asks the question. Has Mum put him up to this? Offered him money to check on me?
‘No thank you.’
Justin nods and backs his head out of the gap in the doorway but he pops it back briefly before he closes the door. ‘I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you.’
‘Oh,’ I say to the door, which was swung shut before I could open my mouth. Justin has missed me? How odd.
There’s another knock at the door and I’m expecting Justin’s return to tell me he was only pulling my leg, but it’s Lauren who’s on the other side this time. She steps into the room and rushes to the bed, where she pulls me into the kind of comforting hug that causes you to not only feel snug and secure but also free to bawl your eyes out. Which is what I do. Through my tears (and a bit of snot, if I’m being honest) I tell Lauren everything, filling in the missing bits of Adam and the hellish weekend. I feel slightly better to have it all off my chest but one look at Lauren tells me I shouldn’t have allowed myself to feel in any way positive.
‘You’ve been seeing someone all this time?’ Lauren has been holding my hand as I recount my sorry tale but her grip loosens now.
‘Not all the time. Just a few weeks.’ I grab a tissue from the pack Lauren handed me earlier mid-stream and dab at my eyes.
‘A few weeks?’ Lauren jumps from the bed like the covers are on fire. ‘You asked me not to say anything to Ryan in case it got in the way of your stupid plan, even though you knew how much I liked him, and you were seeing somebody yourself?’
In a nutshell, yes.
‘I’m sorry. It was selfish of me, I know.’
‘Selfish? That’s an understatement! You’re supposed to be my best friend, Delilah.’
‘I am your best friend. I made a mistake, that’s all.’
‘No, Delilah.’ Lauren shakes her head and starts to back away from me towards the door. ‘You purposefully lied to me and kept me away from Ryan while you were off having fun with your boyfriend.’
‘I’m sorry.’ And I am, truly. I know I haven’t been a very good friend. I knew it at the time, which only makes me a worse friend. I don’t blame Lauren for being mad at me, though I wish she’d discard that livid look and find it in her heart to forgive me.
‘I can’t believe you, Delilah.’
And then she leaves and I’m scared I’ve lost both Adam and Lauren due to my stupidity.
I’m hoping Lauren will calm down and eventually forgive me. I’ve apologised a million times over the past few days, which is difficult when the person you’re trying to apologise to won’t speak to you or answer their phone. I’ve texted, sent emails and popped notes through her door but so far I’ve heard nothing in return. The situation with Adam is almost as bad, but he can at least bear to be in the same room as me (although he has no choice in the matter seeing as we share an office space). Adam is courteous but the spark between us has been snuffed out.
I have to make things better but I don’t know how. How can I show Lauren how sorry I am after being such a shady friend? And how do I prove to Adam that I’m over Ben? Because I know now that I am. Since meeting Adam, I’ve thought about Ben less and less and at this moment in time I wouldn’t care one tiny bit if Ben begged me to take him back. I’d feel sorry for Eden and their abandoned, unborn baby, of course, but I wouldn’t take him back. Meeting Adam has shown me how destructive my relationship with Ben really was.
I couldn’t see it at the time because I was smitten, but being with Ben chipped away at my confidence. Being with Ben wasn’t all that fun after a while and I always felt like I was being scrutinised and found lacking. My fashion choices were never right and my interests were mocked. I couldn’t be myself and I allowed myself to be morphed into the kind of woman Ben wanted me to be rather than the woman I am. There is no way I would want to go back to living like that.
Francesca’s wedding is this weekend and I’m in the exact same position I was at the beginning; single, dateless and dumped. Except I no longer care what Ben thinks about those things. He isn’t important to me any more. I don’t need to pretend to be over Ben at the wedding, because I am whether I show up with a fake boyfriend or not. In fact, I’ve asked Ryan to put an end to the fake relationship nonsense completely. There will be no more Facebook updates and I will be attending the wedding on my own, as a single woman. The plan was no longer a benefit to Ryan anyway as Eleanor spotted me leaving for work on the Monday morning and, rather smugly, concluded that the relationship had come to an end.
‘I always knew you weren’t right for my son,’ she’d told me sniffily before flouncing away. I’d made her Monday – her week – so at least somebody is happy.
Tonight, at her hen night, I’m going to tell Francesca the truth. Yes, it will be humiliating, but I’m so tired of the lies. In fact, I’m going to go one better. I’m going to tell everybody the truth, right now. Logging onto Facebook, I type out my message and press send before I can change my mind.
Chapter 41
Delilah Explains It All
Delilah James
I have to confession to make. A really, really embarrassing confession but one I am ready to admit to. A couple of months ago I posted about my wonderful, gorgeous boyfriend (hello Ryan Ford) but the truth is, Ryan is my friend. One of my best friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I lied. I didn’t have a boyfriend, gorgeous or otherwise. I was still hung up on my ex (that’s you, Ben Martin) and I wanted to prove to him that I was over him (which I clearly wasn’t). I was hurt and angry when I found out about his new girlfriend (fiancée, actually) and their baby. I didn’t want to look like a sad, single loser when my ex had his life so sorted. So Ryan agreed to be my fake boyfriend. We posted photos on our Facebook as evidence and he was going to be my plus one at Francesca Holden’s wedding.
But I don’t need that fake relationship any more. Because I truly am over Ben now (which I’m sure, after reading this, he will be relieved to hear). I’m going to turn up to Francesca’s wedding on my own tomorrow. Single and very much a loser (as evidenced by this post). I have nothing to prove and will try my best to hold my head up high despite this confession and celebrate the marriage of an old friend.
I’ve lied to a lot of people, including my mum and dad, my sister Clara James, my brother Justin James (feel free to mock me about this forever, little bro. I deserve it) and my best friend, Lauren McIntosh. I truly am sorry xxx
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Chapter 42
Francesca’s Wedding
Text Message:
Lauren: Olivia Jones has put her wedding photos on Facebook. That’s six girls from our year who are married now
Delilah: Soon to be seven – Joanna Grimes announced her engagement yesterday
Lauren: Whaaaaat??? I’m going to choke to death on the dust if I’m left on the shelf any longer
My hand wobbles as I attempt to apply my lipstick. Taking a deep breath, I give it another go but my hand is still vibrating through sheer nerves. If I carry on like this, I’ll be going to Francesca’s wedding as The Joker as well as The Loser. I must get a grip. And fast. Francesca’s wedding is taking place in less than an hour and I’m a nervous wreck. I made it through the hen night but that’s because there was an awful lot of alcohol involved (which could be a contributing factor to the shaking this morning) but I can hardly rock up to the church completely bladdered, can I?
Can I?
No, I cannot. I have made enough of a fool of myself. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for my actions.
Even if I don’t wanna.
Finally successful with the lipstick, I give my hair a final brush through and head downstairs where Dad is kindly waiting to give me a lift to the church. Dad has been very understanding about the whole lying-through-my-teeth fiasco.
‘When I first met your mother, I told her I was the son of a millionaire,’ Dad told me the other day. ‘And she still married me. So you may be daft, but there are dafter people out there. Just look at your mother.’ Dad had winked at Mum, who swiped at him with a tea towel.
‘Look at you,’ Dad says now as he takes my face in his hands and kisses me on the forehead. ‘You look lovely. That Ben will be kicking himself when he sees you, boyfriend or no boyfriend.’
‘Thanks Dad.’ I look down at my dress with its plunging neckline and feel a swarm of butterflies take flight in my stomach.
‘You look gorgeous, love.’ Mum gives my arm a squeeze and smiles at me but I know I’m not quite forgiven for shattering her dreams yet. It wasn’t only Clara and Graham’s wedding she’d been thinking about but mine and Ryan’s too. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d pictured her grandchildren already. ‘Give us a ring if you need your dad to come and pick you up. You know, if it gets too much.’
‘Thanks. I will.’ Now I’m even more nervous. I’m expecting people to stare at me and obviously they’ll pass judgement (who wouldn’t?) but what if it’s worse than that? What if they openly mock me instead of being discreet and doing it behind my back?
‘Come on, you don’t want to arrive after the bride,’ Dad says. ‘Then everyone will look at you.’
Dad and I make our way out to the car, bumping into Ryan who is fleeing next door so fast he almost knocks me to the ground.
‘Sorry. Are you ok?’ Ryan makes sure I’m steady on my feet before he thrusts his thumb towards his mother’s house. ‘She’s driving me up the wall. I told her why I lied about us and instead of sending her the message to back off, it’s sent her into overdrive. She’s set up three dates for me next week. Three.’ Ryan folds his arms across his chest. ‘I’m not going to any of them. I’m not.’
Dad claps Ryan on the back. ‘Just say no.’
We all know that is easier said than done when it comes to Eleanor Ford.
‘So what’s the deal with you and Lauren?’ Ryan asks me. Dad has wandered to the car to give us a bit of space. ‘I don’t get why she’s so annoyed with you. I know you women like to tell each other everything and you kept Adam from her, but isn’t she overreacting a bit?’
I shake my head, though I can’t go into the details for obvious reasons. ‘She really isn’t. I screwed her over.’
Ryan still doesn’t look convinced, what with me being so cryptic. ‘You need to make it up to her. You’re best friends – you can’t fall out over a man. Isn’t that rule one in the girly code?’ Ryan looks down at his feet, where he’s toeing a small stone back and forth. ‘I bet you miss her.’
‘I do.’ Lauren won’t see me at all and even swerved the pub quiz. Ryan and I tried our best but we performed even more dismally without her. ‘Do you miss her too?’
Ryan’s stone-toeing becomes even more fervent. If he isn’t careful, he’ll put a hole in the sole of his trainer. ‘Nah. I’m just looking out for you.’
I can’t help the smile from spreading across my lips. It feels good after so much misery over the past few days. ‘You do!’ I nudge Ryan playfully, the smile spreading to full-on grin proportions. ‘Ryan, do you like Lauren?’
Ryan gives the stone one last kick, sending it scuttling along the pavement. ‘Yeah. She’s a mate.’ He gives the back of his neck a good scratch, refusing to meet my eye. ‘Like you.’
‘Not like me.’ I grab Ryan’s arm, squeezing a bit too hard in my excitement. ‘You like her.’
Ryan shrugs, knowing he’s caught out. I’ve known Ryan long enough to know when he�
�s telling porkies. ‘Maybe a little bit.’
‘How much?’ Lauren has proper, inexplicable feelings for Ryan – she’d be gutted if he only fancied a fling.
‘I may be a teeny, tiny bit in love with her.’
I gasp, covering my mouth with my fingers. Ryan is in love with Lauren? But he’s never been in love with anybody before. This is huge. I want to run to Lauren right now and tell her – except I can’t because she hates me for being a lying, secret-keeper of a friend.
‘If you like her so much, why are you always bickering?’ I get a whoosh of déjà vu – hadn’t I asked Lauren the same question?
‘You know what boys are like. They always pull the pigtails of the girls they like.’
‘Is this why you’ve let your mum walk all over you all these years? Why you hardly ever go out with women you actually like?’
‘Number one.’ Ryan holds up a finger. ‘My mum does not walk all over me.’ I raise my eyebrows at Ryan. We both know Eleanor stomps all over her son but I let it pass. ‘And number two, do I look like a psychologist? All I know is that I miss her, so you’ve got to make her forgive you for whatever grievance has gone on between you.’
‘You could always speak to her yourself.’ The three of us have been friends for over a decade. Surely Ryan doesn’t need me to hold his hand and act as a go-between?
‘I could but that won’t make her happy.’ Ryan has no idea. Speaking to him will make Lauren extremely happy. ‘She’ll be missing you too.’
‘Just talk to her, Ryan. About everything.’ I’m not quite sure what to make of this new development; Mum once asked if Lauren felt like a gooseberry when she thought Ryan and I were dating – is that how I will feel? Will I get squeezed out? The start of a blossoming relationship between Ryan and Lauren could be the death knell of our cosy little threesome, but I want my friends to be happy and I know I’ll always have a place, somewhere.
‘Come on, Delly.’ Dad has wound down his window and is tapping at his watch.
The Wedding Date Page 27