by Melissa Aden
Something told me to stop pushing, to give his emotions time to breath and blossom, but I couldn’t let it go. “It’s just that what?” I coaxed.
“I’ve been through a lot with my family this year. Something awful happened to my brother, Benjamin, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet… with anyone. I need you to respect that.”
“Okay.”
“And I also need you to promise me you won’t see Hagen.”
I was flabbergasted. “Here I think we’re making progress and then you—. Are you serious? Friend or not, you have no right to make demands like that.”
“Then not,” he whispered.
“What?”
“Then we’re not friends. I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t trust me.”
“And where does you trusting me come into play?” I asked.
He knew I had him there. “I’ll trust you with this little gem: There’s something terribly wrong with Hagen. I can’t put my finger it, but as soon as I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes.
“I can’t be your friend because… I care about you, too, Sophie, and I can’t just hang around and watch you do something so stupid — so childish — as dating that lunatic! You’re smarter than this. That’s what I don’t get. It kills me that you’re so freaking brilliant, yet you don’t get that Hagen is trouble.”
I didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended. “Are you done?” I cut in.
“I’ve warned you, so yes. I’m done… with this — whatever this is. I gave it a try, but I can’t do it.”
“There’s nothing to do. It’s not your job to protect me or determine who I can hang out with. I need a friend — not a dad or a stupid babysitter.”
“Then I’m glad not being friends is mutual,” Everett said, his voice cold and emotionless, the wall between us now morphing into an electric fence.
“Good. Get out!” I said, trying to mirror his frigid expression.
“Gladly.” He turned for the door.
Pain welled up within me, overflowing from my mouth. “You and your stupid brother can go to hell.”
I immediately regretting saying it, but the damage was done. Everett stopped and looked at me over his shoulder, the anguish in his eyes taking my breath away. I slapped my hand over my mouth as realization dawned on me.
He said something awful happened to his brother. No! Benjamin is dead!
Everett left then, slamming the door behind him. It was my worst fear come true. I’d deeply hurt someone I cared about, and…
I was alone.
Chapter 17
Lose/Lose Situation
I jumped as Mia abruptly sat across the table from me.
“Have you seen Everett?” she asked with immediacy.
I stared at the salad I’d been picking at. “Not within the last hour.”
“I just ran into him in the lunch line. He’s really upset about something, but he didn’t want to talk about it.” Her face fell. “I bet someone said something to him about Benson.”
“Benson?”
“It’s his brother Benjamin’s nickname,” Mia explained. “I’ve heard different rumors about Everett and Benson all morning. People can be so rude.” She sighed. “I hope this doesn’t cause Everett to relapse.”
“Relapse!” Something about the word startled me.
Mia looked at me uncertainly. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but he’s been fighting depression for a few months now. After what happened to Benson, he holed up in his room and refused to come out. You should have seen him. He was skinny and sallow and let his hair and beard grow out. He was unrecognizable. I bet the rumors going around upset him. People don’t understand what he’s been through. They don’t get that—”
“It was me,” I cut her off, not able to take it anymore. I felt like total scum. My stomach a wreck, I pushed my food away, accepting that eating was futile. “Everett’s not upset about people spreading rumors about him. Well, he might be, but… he’s mostly mad at me.”
“You?” Mia looked surprised. “Sophie, Everett couldn’t possibly be mad at you. Again, I’m saying too much, but he practically worships the ground you walk on.”
I bowed my head in remorse as this knowledge made what I’d said about Everett’s brother and the lie about dating Hagen that much worse. “We got in a huge fight. It was awful,” I mumbled.
“And?” Mia pressed.
I slowly looked up again, bracing to lose my only other friend. “I was asking him questions about himself and his family. He was already weird and uneasy, but when I asked about Benjamin, or Benson, he got defensive. Long story short, we got in a fight ending in me saying—” I stopped short. I couldn’t.
“What did you say?” Mia asked, leaning forward in her seat.
Like ripping off a band-aid, I said it fast to lessen the sting. “You and your stupid brother can go to hell.”
Mia gasped.
“I know! I’m ashamed of myself. It was awful of me,” I said, crying. “I didn’t realize what had happened to his brother until after I said it and he gave me this horrific look.” I clamped my mouth shut realizing my tirade was making me more upset. Everett’s brother had probably passed away from some dreadful illness like Mom. I, someone who should know better, had been insensitive and crass. I took a deep breath before adding, “I won’t blame you if you don’t want to be friends anymore. You’re close to Everett and what I said was terrible.”
“Sophie!” Mia was suddenly beside me, her arms around me. “We all get mad and say things we don’t mean. I’m sure Everett said hurtful things, too, and you said yourself that you didn’t know. I’ll help you talk to him, okay? We’ll make this better.” I nodded, now crying because of my gratitude for her support. “And don’t feel bad about him not opening up to you. He’s only told his parents, a few family friends, and me about what happened to Benson, and that’s because he was forced to.”
My ears perked up. “So you know what happened?”
“Yes. No. Well… kind of. I don’t know all the details. I just know where Benson is now, that is, if he’s still alive.”
I was about to ask Mia what she meant when Everett slammed his tray down on the table. Mia and I started. Anger was still in his eyes as he hissed, “Why aren’t you sitting with your boyfriend, Sophie?”
“What are you talking about?” Mia asked.
His icy glare sent a shiver through me. I was suddenly irate. Why did he have to drag this out? I wished we could pretend it never happened.
“Everett, stop pouting and sit down.” Mia sounded put out. “You’re making a scene.”
Everett didn’t move, but stood there, willing me to tears with his livid eyes. It was all I could do not to cry again.
I opted for the high road. “I’m so sorry, Everett. I shouldn’t have said—”
“Save it,” he spewed. “We’re not friends, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Everett!” Mia scolded, looking as shocked as I felt.
I bit my lip trying not to cry. He had every right to be mad at me, but did he have to be so callous?
Something caught my eye. I glanced over to see Hagen waving me down from a table with a small crowd around him across the lunch room. My heart fell. This was the last thing I needed. I looked at Everett to find that, sure enough, he’d noticed, too. He glared Hagen’s way, making no attempt to hide the hatred in his eyes.
“Ignore him, Everett,” I pleaded. “I don’t care about him. I care about you and feel terrible about what happened. Will you please sit down and talk to me?”
He turned his eyes on me again, wilting me under their intense heat. “Go.”
“What? Everett, please, I—”
“I don’t want you here. Go.”
“But, I—”
“I said go!” he growled.
“Fine,” I said, pushing my chair back with my good leg. “I wanted to sit with you and smooth things over, b
ut if you want me to sit with Hagen so badly, then that’s fine.”
I had tried. I’d done my best, but my pride could only take so many hits. If Everett didn’t want me, then I knew who did. Forcing a smile, I gathered the dreads of my shredded confidence, stood and tossed my hair, and waved at Hagen. I headed over, trying my best not to limp, feeling Everett’s eyes on me all the way.
“What happened to you?” Hagen asked as I reached him.
“You know. You saw the whole thing,” I answered, not wanting to relay the embarrassing story of falling up the stairs to the audience of eavesdropping students.
“I saw Everett push you. And then you went down hard,” Hagen said.
“Everett Sinclair? He pushed you?” one of the girls sitting at the table asked a little too loudly.
“I saw the whole thing,” Hagen replied, giving me a wink. “It was awful.”
I looked behind me, catching Mia’s concerned frown and Everett’s glare.
“He would. What a jerk!” a girl said. “First his brother and now this.”
“He’s clearly dangerous,” a super skinny girl added. “What respectable guy pushes a girl? I bet what people are saying about him is true after all.”
“Probably. He’s a freak.” The guy shook his head.
“Wait! That’s not what—” I started.
“I’m being rude, aren’t I, Sophie. I forgot to introduce you,” Hagen cut me off. He stood and put his arm around my shoulders, announcing, “Everyone, this is my girlfriend, Sophie Cohen.”
“What?” I turned to him. Had I heard correctly? Had Everett put him up to this? One glance in Everett’s direction told me that wasn’t the case.
Feeling the daggers from jealous female eyes stabbing into me, I looked around the table. All of the girl’s mouths were open in shock, but no one was as stunned as I.
“But I hardly know you,” I murmured in Hagen’s ear.
“It’s all good, babe. Just ride the wave,” he replied, looking deep into my eyes.
Lucky for me, Hagen and I hit it off, spending much of our time together after that fateful lunch. Everett made his decision. He clearly didn’t want me, so I made do with Hagen, putting the debacle behind me. Yet it was a hard task, as every time my knee or ribs ached over the next month, I thought of Everett — of how he’d saved me, bandaged my knee, and been my hero before totally letting me down. Not that what I’d done to him was any better. I was haunted by the pain in his eyes from that day. Though my body eventually healed, emotional wounds remained — gaping, bloody, and raw.
I was plagued with thoughts of Everett, unable to get him out of my mind. It drove me mad, leading me to avoid him at all costs — even when he tried to apologize in Dr. Trivedi’s class a few days later, understandably upsetting him and leading him to avoid me, too.
With Mia living next door, figuring out our dizzy dance of evading each other was challenging, but soon, it was like Everett and I were divorced parents with joint custody over Mia. I had her nights and weekends, and he had her during the weekdays. This worked out nicely since I mostly hung out with Hagen during the week, and soon three months had gone by with neither Everett nor I speaking to the other.
In that time, I learned that Hagen was quite a gentleman. Case in point: though he was way more “experienced” than I, he was patiently giving me time to grow comfortable with the idea of being physically intimate. I loved things about Hagen that proved Everett wrong, and I reported these findings to Mia in hopes she’d relay them to him.
Gloriously handsome Hagen! I never thought I’d be that girl: the “it girl” who dated the “it guy.” Before I’d come to Brightman, I’d been the shy bookworm with a geeky dad and a passion for painting, cooking, and reading. Now I was popular and well accepted. I knew most everyone who attended school at Brightman, and better yet, everyone knew me. Well, not exactly. A lot of people knew me as “Hagen Dibrom’s girlfriend.” But still, it was better than being unknown.
While being popular was fun, it wasn’t all I expected it to be, but I played along upon learning the rule of the game: it wasn’t about reality and who actually was the best but about who could create the best facade of perfection. Understanding this helped me to not take it personally when I soon realized people only hung out with Hagen and me — Brightman’s golden couple — in hopes our good standing would rub off on them. They were leeches, hanging around for a time before unlatching to drain blood from the next best thing. They got in, got more popular, and got out.
Only late at night in the safety of my bed would I admit to myself that maybe Everett was right. No one was caring and kind like he and Mia and I found it peculiar how lonely I felt much of the time despite the crowd of people constantly around me. Getting to genuinely know others was never part of the process, and once people got what they wanted, they threw you to the curb.
Realizing Everett was right about people in general led me to wonder if he was right about Hagen, too. Was Hagen just another leech with an ulterior motive? Could I trust him? Hagen did have his flaws, like incessantly spreading rumors and talking badly about people behind their backs. He always had a new story, lie, or twist to add.
Though, any convictions were soon forgotten once I was alone with Hagen. I’d look into his eyes and suddenly feel understanding as he explained things away or presented a gift. Like many students at Brightman, Hagen’s parents were very wealthy, and the more inundated I became with pretty trinkets and expensive jewelry, the more I didn’t seem to mind Hagen’s shortcomings. And while I was disappointed in myself that my affection could most definitely be bought, it prevented me from rocking the boat.
Everything was perfect. I had Hagen, was the envy of every girl at Brightman, and was doing well in my classes. Why change things when they were going so well on their own?
But, if things really were so perfect, why did I fight back tears of regret and fears of opportunities missed when I was alone at night? Why wasn’t Hagen or popularity enough? Why did I miss Everett?
Chapter 18
Slow Torture
I hated watching them. What a joke. What a lie. It was sick, masochistic torture, but I couldn’t look away.
Sophie had been dating Hagen for over three months now, and to my surprise, they were still going strong. He hadn’t ditched her yet, she wasn’t sick of him yet, and she hadn’t seemed to figure out his many flaws.
It was painful to admit, but neither had I.
I watched at lunch as Hagen absentmindedly put his arm around Sophie or held her delicate hand. The mere thought of him touching her drove me mad. I waited day after day for a signal the attention was unwarranted — for any excuse to pounce and take Sophie away — but it never came. Instead of flinching away from Hagen’s touch, she leaned into him. Instead of growing tired of his half-witted jokes, she put her hand on his and laughed.
Bewitched and blinded, she was unaware that he was the semi who would barrel through her any day now, leaving behind only a trail of blood and guts. It made me nauseated to watch the repulsive display of… well… whatever it was. I just knew it couldn’t be love, and while that eased me, it was only by a little.
Mia sat with me at lunch, often saying stupid things like, “Count to ten, Everett,” or “Breathe!” But her attempts to calm me were futile. Every time Hagen stroked Sophie’s arm or stared deep into her eyes — like he so often did — it fueled the flame, driving me to find dirt on him that much more.
I had the authority to rip Sophie from Hagen’s clutches. I often entertained the idea of taking her far away and holing up somewhere remote, but then I’d remember why she was placed at Brightman. I’d remind myself that remaining close to PORTAL headquarters ensured her safety — as Divaldo was unlikely to send an operative into our territory — before hesitantly tucking my fantasy of escape away and returning to the monotony of watching Sophie by day and researching Hagen by night.
While I definitely experienced a negative gut reaction with Hagen, my infatuation
with Sophie blurred my judgment, making it difficult to tell whether the unpleasant feelings actually stemmed from my fine-tuned instincts or jealousy that he was dating Sophie. Not wanting to divulge that I’d developed feelings for the girl I was assigned to protect, I had yet to disclose my suspicions to PORTAL, which also meant sacrificing clearance to the agency’s extensive research databases and resources, only granted on an as-needed basis.
This was foolish of me as research was a huge part of what the Paranormal Research Taskforce and Anti-Warfare League did well and the only thing that would help me nail Hagen. But I refused to open that can of worms leaving me researching Hagen on my own when I could with the limited resources available to me — and racing against time knowing the longer it took me to find dirt on Hagen, the more time it gave Sophie to grow attached to him.
What would hurt her more: to find Hagen was a bad person now or, if I never found anything on him, to naively fall for him and get her heart broken when he inevitably left her? As her protector, what was the right answer when she’d end up hurt either way? If I found dirt on Hagen and let Sophie know, she’d probably hate me, but I’d much rather endure the brunt of her anger than allow her relationship with Hagen to play out, for the wounds he’d inflict would be far worse. And if my reoccurring dreams of Hagen and Sophie were telling in any way, those wounds wouldn’t be emotional but physical as well.
The nail on the coffin was that all of it — the horror I was forced to witness day after day — was my doing. I was the one who fell for Sophie over the summer. Once she was in arm’s reach at Brightman and we were finally getting to know each other, I was the one who pushed her away. I was the one who cowered when things got too real, afraid of what she’d think if she knew what I truly was. And worst of all — bile rose in my throat at the thought of it — I was the one who drove Sophie into Hagen’s arms.