Ryuk’s eyes dart to his dive rig. “Yes,” he says hurriedly. “It was her idea and I went along with it. We’re resetters now.”
“I remember you saying that your former guild was quite powerful,” Hajime adds. “Maybe they would be interested in what has happened here today.”
Ryuk shakes his head bitterly. “I, we can’t contact them. Like I said, we’re resetters now. Our guild – well, former guild now – has a ‘no communication clause’ with resetters to deny them any in-game advantages. Sounds stupid, but our previous guild’s leader doesn’t want someone to be able to call on their powerful friends.”
“Then go to their guild physically,” Hajime says. “I’m sure they’ll want to hear this.”
“Their guild is on Polynya, the second floating continent of Tritania. All new players, and resetters like Tamana and me, start on the first floating continent, Hyperborea. We can’t travel there yet.”
Hajime considers this for a moment. “Okay. Log in, meet Tamana’s Reborn Player Character, hash out what’s happened here with her, and go to Polynya and contact your former guild.”
A pained expression paints across Ryuk’s face. He swears he’s explained the basics of Tritania before, and besides, now of all times, is not the time. He gives Hajime the quickest explanation about the world’s mechanics that he can muster. “Okay, Tritania has three floating continents. All players start on Hyperborea and to go to the next continent, Polynya, we need to be at level 15. To go to the final continent, Ultima Thule, we need to be at level 35. Three continents with level requirements to get to the final two continents.”
“And your levels now?”
Ryuk shakes his head. “Two. We’re both at level two.”
“Then log in,” Hajime nods towards Ryuk’s rig. “Start your journey. You have a little time before you have to meet your brother later.”
Ryuk cringes. His brother, the bane of his existence. Meeting him will only make the day worse and he can’t say no.
“Consider this the ultimate quest,” Hajime offers. “Find Tamana, figure out what happened, grieve, level up, get to the next continent to meet your old guild, and stop this from ever happening here in the real world again.”
Ryuk nods wipes his nose one more time. The ultimate quest.
His chest swells and he gets out of bed. He plants his ass in the custom molded seat of his haptic chair, slips his hands into a pair of haptic gloves with the ease of long practice and leans back. The chair comes to life after he’s placed the sleek, gunmetal NV Visor over his head.
A familiar tone plays, letting Ryuk know that the system is starting up and the physical response system is ready to go.
Wavelengths appear on the inside of his NV Visor.
Chapter 4: Goblin security and why you’re better off without it
It was Tamana’s idea. “It’ll be fun,” were her exact words.
Start over in new classes and abandon the level 96 Ninja Warrior and White Mystic avatars that they had developed for nearly two years. Ryuk did it to impress her, to go along with her request. Just like that, they reset and Ryuk became a lowly level 2 Ballistics Mage. All their accumulated wealth and stats gone, the two signed a lease on shitty guildhall in the village of Jatla, near the Goblin Riviera.
In Thulean, ‘Jatla’ is a convenient term for any horribly filthy, vile, disgusting, feculent slum that is too wet and dirty for rats, flies, or roaches. The locals, a scabby, scaly, sub-race of flatulent, fungally-afflicted hillbilly ünter-trolls, are notorious for their brutal savagery and abysmal table manners.
Nighttime is when Jatla really comes to life.
Pernicious public intoxication, random assault, kidnapping for fun and profit, lynching bees, and unusually violent high stakes gambling games and tournaments such as Thulean Roulette, Kinbaku Master/Slave, Ponygirl races, the always popular ‘Bet Your Penis’ and Coprophilia Krunch, are always on display.
The city is also home to the perky glittering poo pixies, locally known as stinkerbells, who flit about from garbage heap to open pit latrine as they rummage around in noisome mounds of offal for magic treasure and rare metals.
“I hate it here.” Ryuk says as his gaze steadies on their guildhall. He checks his stats and then swipes them away.
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 2 Ballistics Mage
HP: 115/115
ATK: 40
DEF: 5
MATK: 51
MDF: 18
LUCK: 3
They are shit, utter shit, but that’s what happens when you become a resetter.
How Tritania’s AI knows that force-spawning him outside of the guildhall rather than inside, where he normally spawns, would create more tension for Ryuk is beyond him.
Regardless, what matters most is seeing Tamana and her RPC is surely inside.
Most players, including Ryuk, have a Reborn Player Character set to spawn if they die in the real world, and someone who’s made the RPC conversion can access all of their life history, up to and including the actual moment of dissolution.
Deep breath in and Ryuk kicks the door open with the force of a Schwarzenator. The door creaks open and he’s greeted by a thoroughly vandalized interior and … no Tamana.
He feels a sudden sinking feeling in his gut.
In the center of the mess is their short goblin guard, Hiccup, who came with the rented guildspace.
“What the hell happened here?” Ryuk wonders as he skirts a table with all the legs broken off. A pool of mephitic indeterminate black gunk surrounds the goblin, and Ryuk strives mightily not to step in it.
He raises an eyebrow. Pinned to Hiccup’s belly with a spork is a note that reads:
We have taken Tamana hostage.
-Shinigami
“Shinigami?” He reads the note again as if it will say something different the second time. Tamana’s avatar has been taken, recently, and she was harried to her death, also recently. He instant messages her.
Ryuk: I’m at the guildhall. What happened? Where are you?
Ryuk: Please answer. Where are you?
Her instant messaging is down? He paces for a moment, wrought with worry. The only thing that can block instant messaging is an algospell ...
Hiccup moans and he ignores him.
Ryuk gets the urge to sob again. Not here, he reminds himself, do something.
“Arrrgghh … ”
“Quit pretending to be dead,” Ryuk snaps at the goblin. “You still have a few HP left. How many were there?”
The goblin moans, winces, lets one rip, and curses. He runs his hand over his eyes and rubs the sides of his bald head. “Those … those mitherfickers!”
“How many were there?” Ryuk none-too-gently nudges him with his foot. “Quick, tell me.”
“Five,” Hiccup groans, “maybe seven, or it might have been only five. Yes, it was five. No, seven. Enough to kick my ass and stick me with a spork, that’s how many! Can you believe that?” The goblin props himself up on an elbow. “And you. Are you going to just leave the spork sticking out of my tum-tum?”
“I thought taking it out would completely deplete your life bar, and I need answers. Did the kidnappers say anything about where they were taking her? I need to know now, dammit. This is a big fucking deal. Tamana – ” He swallows hard, bites his lip.
Hiccup places his hands around the spork’s grip and yanks it out. “Yoooooy!” The goblin bangs his fist against the ground. “Yoy! Yoy! Yoy! Dragon ficks!” He tosses the eating utensil aside.
“Are you done yet?”
“You don’t even have the common decency to offer me a healing potion? I know you’re holding out; all new avatars come with three.”
“I’m saving those,” Ryuk reminds the cantankerous goblin. “We’re low on funds, remember? I don’t want to go around trying to get healing potions in a shithole like Jatla, especially, at a time like now!”
The stocky goblin quivers his lip at the wound on his belly and looks up at Ryuk with big, moist puppy do
g eyes.
Damn goblins. Ryuk grinds his teeth for a moment and fails to relax. “Fine, fine. If I give you a healing potion, will you tell me what they said?”
Hiccup gives him the thumbs up. “Now we’re talking! How about this: you give me two healing potions, you know, just to top me off, and I not only tell you what Tammy’s kidnappers said, I’ll fickin’ take you to the exchange place.”
Exchange place?
A quest box forms in front of Ryuk:
Quest: Will you give Hiccup two healing potions and allow him to accompany you?
Rewards: Possible level-ups and the other benefits associated with companionship.
Risks: Typical risks associated with goblin companionship included but not limited to general mayhem, thievery, asshattery and back stabbery.
(0)__(0)
“Glad we could make this arrangement.” Hiccup licks his fat lips. “Gimme, gimme, gimme.”
“Info first.”
“For crying out loud, Ryuk, I’m dying here! Give me the potion so I can at least get my swagger back!” He snorts and wipes more blood onto his pant leg.
Since when did you have swagger? Ryuk bottles the question, knowing all too well the futility of arguing with a goblin. Two small glass bottles filled with red liquid materialize and he hands them over to Hiccup, who greedily chugs them both at the same time.
“Hell yes,” the goblin says as the wound on his stomach heals up. Even the hole in his shirt repairs itself.
“Info, now.” Ryuk says.
Hiccup sticks his scabrous tongue out and savors the last few drops of potion. “Aramis, two days from now at the Hour of the Rabbit. That’s all I know, I swear. One of them whispered it in my ear.”
“And you said there were five kidnappers?”
“I said there were seven. Possibly only six.” Hiccup looks at the letter that was originally sticking out of his belly. “Shinigami. That’s their guild name. I don’t know how many there were. I didn’t really see them because they blindfolded me. Maybe there were four.”
“Three on six … ” Ryuk turns a chair around and sits.
“A bit of advice from a hundred and fifty-four-year-old goblin with a penchant for being right and a track record to match it – they’ll probably just return Tammy once they realize that you’re so broke you can’t even pay attention.”
Ryuk clenches his fists. “It’s Tamana, not Tammy.
Hiccup shrugs.
“Did they say something about a ransom?”
The goblin thinks for a moment. “Not that I can recall. Listen, Ryuk, relax a little. I’m sure they’ll return her at some point. Those kind of fickboys always do.”
He glares daggers the goblin. “For your information, Tamana died in the world up there, and I watched it happen. And just after that, a Thulean warrior attacked me in my own bedroom. Crazy things are happening. From what I can tell so far, NPCs have somehow infected our iNet feeds.”
Hiccup yawns and jams his finger inside his ear. He scratches, examines, and flicks something on the ground. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Ryuk huffs, “Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. The point is, I need to talk to her and together, we need to get to the bottom of this. I need to find Tamana’s RPC; she’ll know what to do next, she always does.”
Hiccup burps and pounds his fist against his chest. “Sorry. Damn healing potions always give me heartburn, and quickly too, let me tell you. Where was I? Oh yeah – so that’s why Tamana spawned with an RPC icon over her head! I was wondering what that was about, but to be brutastically honest with you kid, I was in the middle of a gob-nap so I figured I was dreaming or something.”
Ryuk nearly stomps his feet. “Are you telling me that the Shinigami were able to kidnap Tamana because you were sleeping?”
“I wasn’t sleeping, I was gob-napping,” Hiccup explains. “Parsing, I know, but the point remains: the dumbficks snuck in while I was all snoozled up and I woke up just in time to get sporked in the belly while one of them told me about the exchange place in Aramis.”
Ryuk takes a deep breath.
As a level 96, he could have found Tamana’s kidnappers, and fast – presuming they survived their initial encounter with Tamana, whose algospells could rend the very fabric of Tritania. He exhales and asks, “Did you at least catch their levels? Tell me you at least saw their levels.”
“How was I supposed to do that? They stabbed me while I was sleeping!” Hiccup shakes his head. “They’re some real fickholes if you ask me. Did I tell you about their weapons?”
“No.”
“They’re better than yours.”
“Of course they’re better than mine. I have a fucking slingshot.” Ryuk thinks for a moment. “Well, we need to level-up, regardless. If we plan to get Tamana back, you and I need to be at higher levels.”
“That’s all you,” Hiccup yawns again, “I’m happy with my current level so I’ll just be hanging here until you get back, then I’ll take you to Aramis. We cool?”
Hiccup’s stats appear before Ryuk:
Hiccup Level 8 Shield Thief
HP: 290/290
ATK: 64
DEF: 61
MATK: 11
MDF: 47
LUCK: 8
At level 8, Hiccup is still a handful of levels away from being even remotely useful. The Shinigami could be at any level, but were for sure higher than level 2 and level 8.
“Baka,” Ryuk mumbles under his breath.
“Look kid, you and Tamana are resetters, right? Why don’t you just ask your old guildmates to do you a solid? Then you and I pop some fickin’ Kayian popcorn, steal a twelve pack of Horse Piss Ale, call a few choice goblinette entertainers, and let your old guild handle this. What was your old guild’s name, again?”
“The Knights of Non Compos Mentis, and as guild policy, they don’t support resetters.”
His bushy eyebrows lift. “I forgot that you were one of the Knights! Must be early onset Goblinheimer’s. It’s fickin’ terrible, terrible to joke about too. But back to the Knights – is Sophia still running the show?”
“From behind the scenes, yes.”
“And then you decided to do the stupidest thing you’ve done all your life – reset and start your own guild.”
“That was Tamana’s idea.”
“And speaking of your guild, we still don’t have a name, something that also needs to be addressed.”
Ryuk stares bitterly at Hiccup. It’s not the goblin’s fault. He’s an NPC, he doesn’t quite understand what Ryuk just experienced. “We’ll get a name later,” Ryuk finally says, “when the time is right.”
“I’ve suggested ‘The Mitherfickers’ twice now. Just sayin’.”
Ryuk takes a deep breath that does little to calm him.
Tritanian goblins tended to be unimaginative and repetitive in their choice of lexical items, and overwhelmingly prefer one particular vulgarity for use as a noun, pronoun, adjective, verb, adverb, preposition, and interjection.
Tritania’s most powerful Mind Mage grew weary of such grammatical constructs as, ‘fuck me, you fucking fuckwit, let’s go fucking fuck up those fucking fuckers right the fuck now,’ and cast an unbreakable algospell that prevents every goblin in Tritania from ever enunciating the word ‘fuck.’
The goblins were not fickin’ amused.
Ryuk sighs. “The Mitherfickers isn’t quite what we’re going for.”
“Sounds like some goblin discrimination if you ask me. Anyfickin’hoo, it looks like you’ll need to recruit a new couple of wankers to help you in your quest to get Tamana back. Now leveling up, that’s not really my cup of tea, but recruitment,” he shoots Ryuk a smug grin, “now we’re in my department. What kind of recruits do you want, anyway? NPCs, immiNPCs, RPCs, PCs, orc chippies – your wish is my command, el capitan.”
Ryuk paces back and forth for a moment. “Sure, recruit as many as you’d like, but I have final say, and we will all level up together. Got it?�
��
The goblin steps over to him. He’s more than a half a meter shorter than Ryuk, much wider too. “Well if leveling is a requirement, I’d like an additional bonus for my services then.”
The shakedown. This is to be expected anytime one deals with a goblin.
“Come again?”
Hiccup uses his grubby little nose-pickers to crack his neck. “There, that’s better. Here’s what I’m thinking: I get a percentage of the value of any treasure we take during this quest. How about twenty percent of the loot?”
Ryuk shakes his head. “Two percent.”
“Okay then, three percent, gross.”
“Fine, three percent, net. You get three percent net of whatever we get. Deal?”
“Deal!” Hiccup approaches him with an outstretched hand. “I promise it’s clean.”
Ryuk gives him a funny look before shaking his grimy hand.
“I’ll be back soon. Round up anyone you can and we’ll vet them together. I’ll try to find someone too.” He turns to the door. “And remember, I have final say. You don’t have to go for the cream at the top, but try to avoid scraping the bottom of the barrel.”
(0)__(x)
The village of Jatla’s unmistakable funk smacks Ryuk right in the digital sniffer.
The stomach-churning, retch-inducing civic effluvia is the perfect counterpoint for the pair of male goblins who patronize a public urinal in the most liberal and non-exclusionary manner imaginable. They splatter caustic ammoniated goblin lemonade everywhere and leave their toxic outflow for someone else to clean up.
Which never happens. Ever.
Why they even have these things when the goblins just piss anywhere is beyond Ryuk, and offends his ingrained, Japanese love of cleanliness and order. He’ll never get used to the mess that is Jatla.
He pulls up his hood as he sidles past the two goblins, who grunt and cackle loudly as they cross streams and compare sizes.
At his low level and without companionship or any skills, Ryuk knows better than to venture too far from his guildhall. That said, he and Tamana did make a few exploratory trips around the block just to see if there were any good shops – there weren’t – but they did discover a public bulletin board with postings from other noobs looking to guild up.
Fantasy Online_Hyperborea Page 3