Ryuk nods. “If you land on a death’s head you die instantly. If everyone dies, the game is over and we respawn back at our guild.”
FeeTwix checks out the Wheel of Dread for a moment. “And the question mark?”
“This is about the only good thing on the wheel. The question mark allows us to ask one question, which the ink shadow must answer truthfully.”
The ink shadow crosses his heart. “On my mother’s grave, I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Empress. To assure my veracity during the questioning phase, I’m temporarily given access to everything the Sage of Gotha knows. Everything.”
“And the broken bone?” FeeTwix asks Ryuk.
“If you land on the bone, you permanently lose a limb.”
“This is just bloody fickin’ great,” Hiccup laments. “My cousin, Spew Gorge, lost his chalupa in a game of Natty Dread. Talk about unexpected bone loss!”
The ink shadow considers this for a moment. “Well, the baculum is a bone, although not precisely a bone like any other bone. I suppose in the spirit of good sportsmanship, I could leave your taquito alone.”
“Chalupa. And you promise not to touch it?” Hiccup protectively cups his hands over his groin.
“You have my word, and to be frank with you, I avoid the touching of goblin churros whenever possible.”
“Chalupa,” Hiccup growls.
“Yes, yes – your chupacabra. Now that that’s settled, shall we play? Does anyone have dice? If not, you can use mine.” The ink shadow presents three eight-sided black onyx dice with numerals inlaid in gold.
“Do we look like we were fickin’ spawned yesterday?” Hiccup scoffs.
“I have these.” FeeTwix flips his hand over and three oversize dice of solid gold with diamonds inlaid as the spots appear in his palm.
The ink shadows form waivers. “Good! You’ll each get two rolls. If any of you survive two rounds, then you may kill me and reap in the rewards for the entire guild!”
Hiccup holds his hand out to FeeTwix. “Give me the dice; I’m going first.”
The goblin cups his hands and rattles the dice hard enough to shake the inlaid gems loose, blows on them, hops from foot to foot as he rattles them again, whispers ‘daddy needs a new pair of shoes,’ and lets loose the dice. They quickly settle on the old cathedral floor: 6, 2, 4.
“Twelve, an even number!” Hiccup bounces to his feet, pumps his fist in the air, and clumsily does a few air-boxing moves. “Let me go again!”
“Not so fast,” the ink shadow objects, “we will circle around and then you can go again.”
“That’s not how Natty Dread is played!” Hiccup equips a tomahawk and shakes it at the ink shadow. “If a player gets an even number on his first roll, he’s allowed to make his second. Everybody in Tritania knows that.”
The ink shadow sighs. “Very well, if you wish to play double-ups, then double-ups is what we’ll play. Roll again.”
“That’s what I fickin’ thought.” Hiccup scoops up the dice and repeats his pre-roll shenanigans. This time, he blows on the dice a final time before he tosses them. As they settle, a look of horror spreads across the goblin’s face: 2, 5, 2.
“Nine!” the ink shadow chortles. “Time to spin the Wheel of Dread, goblin-friend!”
“Son of a fickin’ warlock!” Hiccup says as he approaches the wheel.
“Just get it over with,” FeeTwix tells him, “so we can take our turns.”
Hiccup swallows hard as he approaches the disk. He moves it up and down a little bit just to judge its weight, sucks in a deep breath and finally gives it his best spin.
The series of items blur past a red pointer that marks the stop spot; they become more distinct as the disc slows, and just as it looks like the red arrow is going to land on question mark, it skips over and lands on the image of a bone.
Hiccup draws his ax and his small shield. “You want a bone, huh? Come and take it!”
The ink shadow suddenly fills the cathedral all the way up to the rafters. “By agreeing to this game,” he announces in a deep and booming voice, “you have entered into a legally binding magical contract with me. You of all people should have known this, goblin.”
“Me and my friends never played with no magical contracts!”
“I’m not your friend,” the ink shadow chaffs.
With that, Hiccup’s right arm completely disappears. No blood, no violence, no nothing. It’s gone as if it never existed. Hiccup cries out and pats the place where his arm used to be. “Fick! He fickin’ took it! You ficker! And that was my favorite wanking arm!”
FeeTwix and Ryuk both make the ‘Eww’ face at this revelation. Hiccup slumps his shoulders, drops his chin to his chest, and shuffles over to one of the pews. He lies on his back, his blank and staring gaze focused on nothing as he puts his remaining hand on the spot where his arm used to be. FeeTwix takes a few steps back and crouches beside him. As he speaks to the de-armed goblin, Ryuk picks up the dice.
“Let’s get this over with.”
The ink shadow diminishes to its former size. “Remember, the three of you have to survive, that’s all. Losing a limb isn’t as bad as it seems.”
“Like fick it isn’t!” Hiccup moans.
Ryuk rolls the three die: 3, 3, 3.
“I win again!” The ink shadow does a brief but tasteful end zone celebratory dance. “Looks like you are on the path to losing, commoner.”
Ryuk curses under his breath as he moves over to the disk. He places both hands on it, and gives it the type of spin that would definitely give him an edge in the Showcase Showdowns of the past. The Wheel of Dread spins and spins and shows no sign of slowing down for a good ten seconds. Eventually, digital gravity takes hold and the wheel begins to slow. The red arrow just barely passes the peg separating the skull and the question mark, where it settles.
The ink shadow sulks for a moment. “All right, all right,” he finally mumbles, “what’s your question?”
Ryuk: I’m going to ask him about killer NPCs. He must know something.
FeeTwix: Good idea.
“Okay,” Ryuk says, “I have one question that I think you may be able to answer.”
“Go on.”
“Recently, NPCs have begun attacking people in the real world over their iNet feeds. What do you know about this?”
The ink shadow recoils.
The temperature inside the cathedral drops, and what’s left of the stained glass windows vibrate and rattle. Suddenly, whole sections break free and whirl around the circle of pews before they shatter on the floor. For the briefest fraction of a second, Ryuk glimpses a robed figure outside the cathedral, its form outlined in green magic. He blinks and the form is gone.
The ink shadow appears behind Ryuk and whispers in his ear, “There are larger forces in play here. You’ll know the answer to your question soon enough.”
He reappears next to the spinning disc as if nothing has happened. Even as the windows rattle and the ground shakes, he invites FeeTwix to roll the die. “Your turn, Berserker!”
“That’s not an answer!” Ryuk protests.
“That’s the best I’m allowed to give you.” the ink shadow subvocalizes. Then, in a louder voice says, “You! Overcoat! Your turn!”
As soon as the Swede scoops up the dice, everything reverts to its pre-question state. FeeTwix rolls the dice between his palms and casts them at his feet: 3, 2, 5.
“Ten, an even number. Double-ups,” he says, using the word Hiccup used earlier to roll again. This time, he blows on the die a few times before letting them go: 5, 1, 1.
“Seven!” The ink shadow’s form lifts into the air and settles. “Ready to roll the Wheel of Dread?”
FeeTwix is quiet for a moment as he reads through some messages from his followers.
“Well?” asks the ink shadow, his form starting to grow again.
FeeTwix: They’re telling me to just barely give it a tap and hit the question mark again.
Ryuk: Worth a shot.
The popular gamer steps up to the disc and gives it the daintiest of spins. It barely makes one revolution, almost stops on a question mark, but at the very last second, ticks over onto the crossed swords.
“A battle!” The ink shadow is beside itself with excitement. “Good luck!”
(0)__(0)
Standing in the back of the abandoned cathedral is a female warrior with a bodybuilder’s physique and improbably large cantilevered breasts. The mystic warrior’s features are hidden by a death’s head mask; her figure accentuated by a painted-on fantasy onesie. A sword appears in each of her hands. A wave of iridescent light zips around the blade in her left hand; her other blade bursts into flame as she makes ready.
Blade Mistress Level 10
HP: 150/150
MANA: 35/35
ATK: 87
MATK: 89
DEF: 56
MDF: 48
LUCK: 6
FeeTwix springs into action with a firefighter’s high-pressure water hose and blasts the swordmistress with a jet of gold-flecked water. His golden shower attack does little to douse the woman’s flame sword, but it does leave her soaking wet and angry as a hive of hungover hornets.
Please be ice, please be ice … With a mighty THWAP, Ryuk zings a clear marble on its way, and the impact freezes their adversary inside a solid clear blue mass.
New skill learned!
Skill: A Simple Request
Level One: 1 in 7 chance of a request being granted.
Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.
Requirements: LUCK > 2
A new skill! Ryuk would pat himself on the back if it weren’t for the fact that a fissure in the ice has already began to form around the woman’s fire sword.
FeeTwix sees his opening and springboards off a pew into a flying icepick attack; the blade mistress breaks a sword arm free, skewers him in mid-leap, and holds him like a butterfly on a lepidopterist’s spike.
Ryuk loads two black marbles and one clear marble into his slingshot, cries, “Instakill!” and zings them on their way.
-23 HP!
His simple request doesn’t take, but the attack does force the iced-up sword mistress to toss FeeTwix aside with her firesword still jutting from his body.
She shrugs, flexes, and bursts out of her icy imprisonment. The luminescent sword comes up and she turns to Ryuk, just in time to get another black marble right in the kisser.
-5 HP!
She shakes it off.
Why isn’t it hurting her as badly?
He looses three more.
-7 HP!
What the hell?
“Instakill!” Ryuk lets go with another clear marble in the hope that his new skill will take this time. The transparent messenger of uncertainty slams into the center of her chest, and a red web of energy tendrils blasts across her upper body.
Enhance!
Her muscles bulge and her eyes flash red. She’s in front of him in the blink of an eye, and he barely manages to avoid a slash from her sword.
The marble backfired!
The busty sword-babe boots him in the head and sends him crashing through a pew.
-11 HP!
She follows him in and kicks the slingshot out of his grip. The tip of her sword dimples his throat; her feral grin is all pointy teeth and raging bloodlust.
“FICK YOU!” Out of nowhere, Hiccup blindsides the warrior and knocks the living Empress out of her. It’s an epic snap, meat on meat, slab on slab.
-35 HP!
Once she’s back on her feet, Hiccup is roundhouse kicked right in the chalupa for his troubles. He collapses in a one-armed, panting heap. “Fick me to tears,” he gasps as he beats the ground. “Yoy! That fickin’ hurts!”
FeeTwix empties a health potion and wipes his mouth on the back of the hand that isn’t pointing his slice bang right at the warrior. Three shots from the stabby shootin’ iron sends the blade-wielding broad crashing into a pew.
Instakill!
Tritania’s firearms penalty brings FeeTwix to his knees, his form flashing red. He chugs yet another health potion and staggers to his feet, considers his life bar, tosses the bottle over his shoulder, and downs one more still. His eyes are his own now, and he looks shocked that she was able to skewer him.
The ink shadow floats over the warrior’s corpse, and as it descends, she fades and vanishes.
“The game must go on! Are you ready for your final roll?” He cackles for a moment. “Sorry, this is just so much fun!”
Ryuk snatches up the dice and turns them over in his hand. “Let’s get this over with.”
(0)__(x)
“Well, it looks like you have to spin the Wheel of Dread again.” The ink shadow chuckles. Ryuk glares down at what he just rolled, cursing under his breath: 1, 1, 1.
“Cheating ficker! He’s using magic!” Hiccup positions himself behind Ryuk, just in case his accusation generates any blowback from the ink shadow. “You’re a dirty, filthy, lying, cheating, granny-fickin’ diarrhea stain!”
“Let’s not jump to conclusions.” FeeTwix equips a small wooden horse with a mane of yellow yarn. He circles the Wheel of Dread and waves the miniature horse high and low, shakes his head and announces, “Nope, no magic in use.”
“Well, how the fick do you know?” Hiccup objects.
“If there were magic in play, the mane would have stood up straight.” the Swede waves the carved wooden steed in the air just to be sure. “Nope – still nothing. Isn’t it cool? A fan gave it to me after I announced that I’d be live-streaming from Tritania.”
Hiccup groans as Ryuk steps up to the Wheel of Misfortune. “Let’s get this over with.”
Ryuk takes a deep breath and gives it a hearty spin. The images whirl and blur and come into focus as the wheel slows, slows, slows a bit more, and stops … on the question mark.
+2 LUCK!
If the ink shadow is disappointed, he conceals it well. “I am an entity of my word,” he begins, “Ask me any question and I will answer with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Empress.”
FeeTwix: Ask about the Shinigami. Find out why they took your friend.
Ryuk: Her name is Tamana, and good call.
Hiccup: Screw that! Ask about my arm, and how the hell I’m supposed to get it back!
FeeTwix: We already discussed your arm. Trust me, I’ll take care of it after this.
Ryuk steps forward, ignoring the fact that Hiccup is grumbling and kicking at the dust behind him.
“Ask your question and you shall receive an answer,” the ink shadow tells him.
“Why did the Shinigami guild kidnap the RPC Tamana?”
The ink shadow’s form trembles.
A portion of the ceiling collapses inward; the support beams above moan and creak as the walls of the cathedral shake and vibrate. Dust and debris cloud the air as the entire structure starts to move. Again, Ryuk sees the robed figure outside the church – it vanishes just as he spots it.
“I will not be intimidated!” The ink shadow cries out. “The Shinigami are a guild that are trying to … ”
Debris rains down around it, but it dodges them.
“They are … !”
The stained glass bursts from their lead strips and rains down upon the three Mitherfickers. The ink shadow disappears again, and reforms directly in front of FeeTwix.
“KILL ME!” it cries out. “Before they do!”
FeeTwix shoots Ryuk an uncertain look.
“Do it! Do it!” The ink shadow balloons in size. “KILL ME!”
FeeTwix pulls back and stabs his slice bang directly into the ink shadow’s center, pulling the trigger on the hilt of his weapon as soon as the blade is in. The creature turns to crystal and explodes.
Instakill!
Each of the Mitherfickers is bumped up a level, just as the cathedral collapses around them in a landslide of stone and rubble. Enough big pieces stack up to partially sh
ield them from the falling debris. Once it looks like the last of the big stuff has fallen, Ryuk picks himself out of the scree. He runs his hands over his body and feels for injuries.
No hit point damage – that’s odd.
Ryuk helps FeeTwix push a particularly large stone off his body and offers him his hand.
“Where’s the goblin?” FeeTwix asks. Ryuk notices that his eyes are still blue.
“Not livestreaming?”
“Not yet. I’ll give everyone an update after we find Hiccup.”
They hear a muffled cry from a particularly robust pile of rubble and go to work uncovering the goblin. They lift the larger stones together and once they’ve removed most of them, the goblin wiggles his way out from beneath a pew.
“Jeez!” Hiccup breathes heavily as he’s helped to his feet. “That was fickin’ terrible … and my arm. That filthy ficker took my arm! That’s my ass-scratching hand, dammit!”
“I thought that that was your wank … uhh!”
Ryuk interrupts FeeTwix with an elbow in the ribs. With his magic slingshot up, he scans the area for the shadowy outline he saw earlier, but the mist is thickening up, and the dust from the collapsed building isn’t helping the visibility.
“I told you not to worry, Hiccup.” FeeTwix scrolls through his seemingly endless list and equips an arm made of brass that’s studded with gears and wheels and levers.
The goblin stares in horror at the steampunk amalgamation.
“Relax … ” FeeTwix’s eyes turn black. “Welcome back everyone. Sorry the feed was cut! As many of you saw, Hiccup lost his arm to the ink shadow back there in a game of Natty Dread. Now he’s set to get a brand new arm and boy am I excited about that. Hiccup? Not so much, but what can you do? Also, this week only, I want to remind everyone in Scandinavia that In ‘N’ Out in the Box has just opened two new locations in Copenhagen in the Vesterbro District, to better serve you! Mention #FeeTwixRox at the ordering kiosk or when you place your iNet order to receive a free upsize on any one menu item! So back to the arm … ” He points the arm in the air. “Now bring me the goblin!”
“Nuh-uh, not happening, video boy. You’ve gone off your fickin’ rocker if you think I’m going let you strap a big brass dildo on me! You said you had a solution, not a cyborg sex toy!”
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