“We?” Ryuk clenches his fists.
A slightly contrite Hiccup stage whispers behind his hand, “Okay – never mind. Just leave it to me. I’ll trick this yokel into dropping his prices with my superior negotiating skills.” With a thoroughly unconvincing and most insincere grin crookedly plastered across his lumpy goblin physiognomy, he turns to the weaponeer. “Oh kind, gentle, charitable Mr. Dirty Dave, sir!” He hurls himself at the proprietor’s feet, wraps his arms around Dave’s ankles and weeps and caterwauls. “Through no fault of mine, we are seriously short of funds. Please, oh please good kind sir – is there any way you can help us out?”
Numbers of electric blue fire form in the air as Dave reads off the costs of the weapons.
The final total – eighty-six thousand, seven hundred and fifty-three rupees flashes like the tote board for the national corporate debt, and a scroll with a handsomely calligraphied itemized receipt materializes out of thin air and drops into Ryuk’s hand.
He gulps. “That’s quite a bit.”
“I disagree. You get what you pay for, young sir, and despite Mr. Goblin’s shenanigans, I did not charge you the usual ten percent PUWYBS surcharge, in addition to the generous five percent discount that I don’t normally offer to the walk-in trade, plus an additional seven hundred off the top.” Dave’s eyes narrow on the five. “Consider it a complimentary Knights of Non Compos Mentis discount.”
FeeTwix: PUWYBS – Putting up with your bullshit. I’ve been charged this before by a guy I call Steampunk Santa in Steam.
“But that’s no longer my guild,” Ryuk says. “Ow! Dammit!”
Hiccup removes his metal fist from where he’d pounded it into Ryuk’s toes, and hisses, “Shut the fick up and take the fickin’ discount!”
“Wait!” FeeTwix announces, his finger in the air, “I have a bill of credit.” The Swede gives his list a quick looksee and a scroll appears. “Take a look at this.”
The weapons dealer unrolls the scroll, examines it, offers the Mitherfickers a satisfied nod, and a red Thulean wax stamp appears on the parchment hovering in front of Ryuk.
“We are in so much debt now,” Ryuk mutters under his breath.
“Debt?” Hiccup scoffs. “I hate to break it to you, Marbles, but thirty K worth of debt is nothing. Remember those orcs we were running from in Sotla? I owed those fickers at least seventy K, owed the brothel another ten.”
“That’s your debt, not ours.”
“But it would have become ours if they had caught me. The way I see it, we’re already eighty K up and that’s without the bonus I’ve been promised.”
“You owe some orcs eighty thousand rupees in Sotla?” Tamana shakes her head and looks to Zaena.
“What, Tammy? And don’t get Liz involved in this discussion; she wasn’t even a member of our guild at that time!”
Zaena ruffles his clump of pink hair with her ghost limb.
“Hey! Watch the hair!”
“We’ll get the money the good old-fashioned way – advertising, fighting, and gambling.” FeeTwix grins. “I’m not worried about it.”
Dave snaps his fingers and a crate of healing potions appear. “This isn’t something I normally do, but I was recently given a year’s supply of SafeKrogerWay healing potions for sponsoring the annual Waringtla Tournament. The case is yours. There are also two mana potions in there, if the White Warrior needs them.”
“The store brand kind? Eew!” Hiccup groans, doffs his helmet, and tucks it under his mechanical arm.
“And that’s not all.” Pixie dust swirls around Dave’s hand as a ray gun with a bulbous barrel takes shape.
“Fick me.” Hiccup mumbles as he lifts his hands into the air. “Dammit, I should have known!”
Tamana draws her weapon and steps in front of the group, her surfboard-sized sword nearly as long as Hiccup is tall. Ryuk aims his marble gun, Zaena her four new swords, and FeeTwix his mutant hack.
“Ha!” Dave snorts in amusement. “The five of you versus … me? Now those are some odds I can get behind! But fear not, dear friends – I’m not here to shoot you. If I wanted you dead, to quote an old friend, you wouldn’t have made it to the door. No, this ray gun is something I invented that modifies an avatar’s D-NAS – digital neuronal autoconstruct system – to spoof the world’s algorithm into granting double experience points for a six-hour time frame. You people need to level up, especially you, White Warrior, and this will help. Also, before you ask, it isn’t for sale.”
He puts the ray gun away.
“Aren’t you going to fire it?” FeeTwix asks.
“I already did. No glitz or glam about the EXP Ray Gun, but you do have a time limit to reap the most awards, and as it is currently the Hour of the Morning Pig, you have until the Hour of the Rabbit to take advantage of the algospell. Recently, in Kayi, near the Klin Mountains, there’s been an outbreak of orc zombies. They’ve since taken over the town, turned most of the townspeople into zombies, and as such, the Aramis Security Force are looking for a few good entities to help rid the town of the Z infestation. And talk about luck … ”A badge the size of a dinner plate appears on his chest. “I’m also sponsor of and a recruiter for the ASF.”
“You a cop?” Hiccup asks.
“Did I say cop? No, I’m a businessman, and military and law enforcement make up the bulk of my business.”
“But you have legal … um, difficulties in Ultima Thule,” says Zaena.
“Yes, but that’s in Ultima Thule, a different continent from where we currently stand. Besides, I prefer Hyperborea over UT. UT is cold, drab, wretched, cold and nowhere near as interesting as the other two continents – no offense intended, Thulean.”
Zaena starts to say something but bites her lip instead.
“Anyway … ” Dave again offers the five his predatory grin. “It’s a free-for-all out there with tons of enemies. By accepting the quest, you’ll be transported there instantly.”
A prompt appears in front of Ryuk and he hovers his finger over the accept button.
Quest: Will you join the ASF to vanquish orc zombies that have infested the town of Kayi?
Possible Rewards: Loads of EXP and multiple networking possibilities with the police force command structure.
Risks: Zombies will eat you.
Chapter 23: Orc zombie battle royal
The five Mitherfickers spawn in front of Kayi’s cathedral and the walking dead take immediate notice of them.
“Weapons up! Face outboard!” shouts FeeTwix. The closest zulu is a once-attractive ASF officer, with one arm off at the elbow and her guts trailing along behind her. She treads on her innards, stumbles and makes no effort to catch herself as she lays herself out full length.
FeeTwix’s M4 Carbine takes shape in his hands. “Let’s do this,” he grins, as he pops the ASF zombie through the top of her head.
Instakill!
A zombie orc springs at Tamana; Ryuk blasts it with a black marble and its arm and shoulder spin away.
-113 HP! Critical hit!
Tamana brandishes her sword and finishes the job; its head goes bouncing as its zom-buddy staggers in behind it. Tamana splits this one from crown to crotch. “They’re not that fast!” She says as she catches her breath. “But they’re freaky-looking, and they smell worse than Hiccup!”
“I heard that!” The goblin brings his ax down onto the first head Tamana cut off.
A group of shuffling horrors close in on them; Zaena draws all four swords, wades into them and sets zombie heads a-flyin’. “I’ve actually dealt with this before,” she calls over to them, “in one of the boroughs of Athos. Listen, do not get bitten or scratched or splattered with any body fluids. If anyone turns, we’ll have to kill you. I’m looking at you, goblin.”
“I have a name!”
“Yes, and it will be Zombie Snacks if you don’t stay focused.”
A former Kayian townie with arms outstretched and raw, red, gaping wounds where his face used to be zeros in on FeeTwix, who brai
ns him with one shot. “Sweet! Less firearm damage! In that case … ”
The M-4 goes back to inventory and he produces a classic SPAS-12. His eyes flash black and he announces to his viewers. “Hey there sports fans! We’re here in the formerly scenic city of Kayi after visiting a Merchant of Doom in Aramis. For all of those fans of my Dead City feed, you’ll especially love this! Also … ”
Three more zombies take notice and bolt towards the Mitherfickers. Zaena dispatches one. BOOM! BOOM! FeeTwix levels the other two with the SPAS-12.
“Active gamers and fans o’ FeeTwix, when you’re going at it hot and heavy, Old Spice Degree & Hammer is just what you need to kick ass, take names, and not let your funk spoil your fun!”
He continues the ad read as he charges at a zombie orc that has smashed out of the window of a small bodega. “Try the newest OSD&H fragrances! Hill Country Bluebonnet and Sweet Honey Hickory Grill are both inspired by the sweet scents of the semi-autonomous state of Texas. And speaking of Texas, American friends do I have a deal for you!” He shoulder rolls, leaps, and blasts a junior zombie in half, then stomps its skull. “Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout and get sample-sized Huntsville Old Sparky Bubba Yum shampoo and Beaumont Bad Booty Bodywash absolutely free! Terms and conditions apply.”
A zombie swipes at FeeTwix mid-spiel, and he narrowly avoids the creature’s splintered fingernails.
With the speed of a hyperactive cheetah, Zaena swoops in, beheads the creature, grabs the Swede by his tactical vest and pulls him up on tippy-toes for a kiss. A zombie family of three slouch and moan their way in; FeeTwix opens an eye, one-hands the assault shotgun, and puts the trio out of their misery before kissing her again.
“Get a fickin’ room, you two!” Hiccup grumbles as the two lovebirds kill their way north. “That guy would rent his dick to an STD if he thought there were rupees in it for him!” An orc zombie nearly three times the goblin’s size approaches from his left. With a step, turn, and spin Hiccup cleaves the zomb-orc’s skull from ear to ear, wrenches his axe free and is instantly awarded one hundred rupees. “Yo-ho! These bastards are rich!” he tells Ryuk, who’s just exploded another zombie’s noggin.
“It’s your new helmet,” Tamana reminds him. “It increased your LUCK!” A zombie orc lurches into range, she swings her airplane wing of a sword in a figure eight and takes both its arms off. She follows through with a swing for the fence and takes Mr. Zombie’s head clean off. She’s awarded a level up. “Yes!”
Hiccup touches the helm with its two little horns. “I forgot I was wearing this!” An idea comes to him and a sly smile spreads across his face. “Hey you guys! Why are we hacking zombies when we could be pillaging? Twixy and Liz can keep ‘em off our backs while us three scoot and loot!”
He’s off faster than a fish can fart; Ryuk and Tamana both roll their eyes and shake their heads.
“Well?” She wipes blood from her blade onto the tunic of the orc zombie at her feet.
“Let’s follow him. He’s going to get his ass turned into a zombie and when he does,” Ryuk’s eyes narrow, “I get to be the one that kills him.”
She laughs. “I don’t know how you could have changed so much in such a short amount of time, but you have. Quick, before we lose him!”
Ryuk and Tamana chase Hiccup down a wide lane that leads to a cluster of shops and dwellings that have not withstood the siege. Debris litters the street; heaps of truly dead zombies surround smashed doors and windows in mute testimony to more than one desperate last stand. Some of the buildings have been reduced to charred wreckage; others still burn unchecked.
Hiccup races by, seemingly untouched by the slaughter and devastation.
“Hold on!” Tamana slows in front of an armored and helmeted ASF trooper crouching over a similarly accoutered companion, who rests in a puddle of gore.
“Can we help you? Are you injured?” She asks as she moves closer.
The crouching trooper turns and snarls at them. One eye is gone; his exposed teeth chomp at bits of tissue and viscera that hang from his mouth. His companion’s chest cavity has been scooped out like a soft boiled egg. Tamana shrieks, hacks him in half with her oversized sword, and rapidly back pedals.
-68 HP!
The undead security officer moans and twitches and drags his upper half after her as Ryuk swaps out magazines and loads up with knife marbles. Even at close range, it takes three shots to penetrate the zombie’s ASF helmet and put him away.
Level up!
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 9 Ballistics Mage
HP: 291/291
ATK: 76
MATK: 97
DEF: 58
MDF: 39
LUCK: 10
New marble acquired! Molten marbles contain a fiery lava core that spreads when the marble strikes the target. BONUS! Molten marbles can also be used for cooking and keeping warm.
“I got a new marble!” Ryuk tells Tamana. A pouch appears on his belt and he retrieves one of the smoky black marbles, which is warmed by a fiery red core. “Cover me while I load up a mag.”
They crouch behind a partially crumbled wall. Ryuk strips out the knife marbles and refills the magazine with his latest acquisition as Tamana keeps watch.
“See any zombies?” he asks her.
“Two approaching from your left.”
“Got it!” Ryuk braces his arms across the top of the wall, and almost before he even thinks about firing, the two orc zombies burst into flames.
-75 HP! -73 HP!
Tamana laughs with sheer delight. “That’s an awesome marble! I … ” She turns to Ryuk and he sees the happiness in her eyes. “I know it hasn’t been very long, but I really really missed this. Missed us, and I am so glad, so very glad, to be back with you.” She sighs, hesitates. “I only wish we had spent more time together up there, in the real world.”
“We have this world, Tritania,” Ryuk tells her. “I’ll be an RPC here sooner or later, and I swear, Tamana, I will be here every day until then.”
She casts her eyes down. The moment is theirs, even amidst the terror and despair that has washed over the village. “You don’t have to.”
“We can explore other worlds as well. I’m sure that there is a way to do so. And I know I don’t have to; I want to. I’ve never known what it is like to lose someone. I’ve been so caught up in finding you that now that I’ve found you, I’m just … I can’t express how I feel at the moment.” He bows his head to her in shame.
She moves closer to him. Ryuk picks off an incoming geriatric zombie; it bursts into flames and collapses to the cobblestones. It writhes, twitches, and sizzles as the molten lava consumes it.
A door kicks off its hinges and Hiccup exits with his plunder.
Golden necklaces set with rubies and sapphires dangle from the goat horns on his helmet; strings of pearls adorn his neck. He clutches golden goblets, silver tableware, sacks of rupees, jewelry boxes, a platinum samovar, and a thick stack of back issues of Goblin Holes scrollazines. “What?” he asks as he sends the items to inventory, “the place was abandoned!”
Tamana’s eyes narrow as she gives Hiccup a disapproving look. “You really shouldn’t steal other people’s stuff, you know.”
“Well, it’d be pretty fickin’ pointless to steal my own stuff, wouldn’t it? Look Little Tammy Trueheart, if I don’t steal it, somebody else will, or it’ll just go to waste, so it might just as well be me in the first place. We good?”
Tamana is not good, but says nothing. Hiccup takes her silence for acquiescence.
“So who’s down for stealing, I mean looting, I mean borrowing, our way back to the other two?” He lifts his snout into the air. “I believe they’re that way.”
“You can smell them?” Now it’s Ryuk’s turn to be skeptical. A zombified female orc spills over the wall and lands right in front of them. Hiccup brings his ax down onto her skull before she can get to her feet.
Instakill!
“Damn skippy that was an Instakill, and damn skippy I can s
mell the lizard queen from a kilometer away! Hell, my goblin organ of olfaction is so sensitive that I can even smell FeeTwix’s snake oil social media bullshit too. ”
He jerks his ax out of the back of the orc’s head and gives her a kick, just because. “Get a load of this one. I’m telling you guys, some of these zombie orcs look suspiciously like the hookers – I mean sexual surrogate specialists – that I spent quality healing time with back in Sotla. Methinks the Sage is doing a bit of recycling. But, no matter, who’s down for some more plundering and pillaging, in that order? There are a couple of good-sized homes with the doors hanging open and a bunch of shops with the windows broken out over yonder. You two in? Let the ransacking commence!”
Ryuk looks to Tamana and shrugs.
He generally plays it safe in life, which has translated somewhat to the way he plays the game. However, as soon as he started changing things up, his luck changed for the better and now he’s here, with Tamana.
By emphasizing the differences between who he was and what was holding him back, he discovered a new mode of being. The new oblique quote from Hajime comes to him: Faced with a choice, do both, which he takes in this situation to mean: loot and save the day.
Side Quest: Will you join Hiccup as he loots his way to FeeTwix and Zaena?
Rewards: Treasure and experience points.
Risks: You’ll encounter an ASF patrol, and you and your party will be fined and incarcerated.
“Let’s see what we can find,” Ryuk finally says, “but let’s keep a low profile.”
“Thata boy, Marbles!” Hiccup claps him on the elbow. “I see many kids in your future with the nuts you’re sprouting – many, many kids.”
(0)__(0)
“There’s the one.” Hiccup points at three-story white house situated behind a fence tipped with sharpened fleur-de-lis. A sign across the front gate reads The Bannons. The gate hangs open and immobile zombie corpses litter the yard, interspersed with the partially eaten remains of their victims – another last stand that didn’t end well for somebody.
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