by Tamara Gray
‘I propose we break for supper,’ said Asiatic Lion, licking his neighbour.
There was a roar of agreement from the wouldbe diners and a chorus of nervous shrieks from the prospective dinners.
Silky sighed. He looked from face to face around him, in the water below, and in the sky above. In all directions he saw suspicion, mistrust and fear, and above all, hunger.
He decided to close the meeting as soon as possible. Black-Headed Coucal had been right. This was the most dangerous gathering on earth.
‘If no one has anything constructive to suggest, I suggest we move on to item four, which is to declare the meeting closed,’ he said, glancing behind to make sure his escape route was still clear. ‘Let us treat this as an initial meet-and-greet event, with follow-up gatherings to be arranged if generally considered worthwhile.’
But when he turned his head back to the crowd, he noticed that a small furry creature had raised its hand.
* * *
Part five: The Question of the Potoroo
‘You have an issue to raise?’ Silky Safaka asked.
‘Yes. I am a Potoroo,’ said the creature. ‘I am known as Gilbert’s Potoroo, to be precise. I have a question.’ He paused. For a long time. He dropped his eyes to his feet and looked rather embarrassed.
Silky, impatient, decided to prompt him. ‘Which is?’
Gilbert’s Potoroo cleared his throat before replying. ‘It is a very important question, and it is this: just when am I going to get a girlfriend?’
Asiatic Lion roared with laughter and the other mammals joined in, anxious to keep on good terms with him. ‘This is not a dating club, Gilbert,’ he said.
Gilbert’s Potoroo raised himself to his full height, which was about the size of a rabbit. ‘This is not a matter of dating. This is a matter of the utmost importance. It is a matter of avoiding Extinction.’
There was instant silence.
Someone had said the E word.
It was as if a bright light had been switched on in a dark room.
‘Thanks to the Two-Legged Terror, I am the last of my kind,’ the Potoroo said.
It was so quiet that the single drip of drool that someone let fall sounded like a pounding hammer.
In the quietness, a small shark popped its head up from the very back of the lake. ‘Just when am I going to find a boyfriend?’ she said. ‘I am Dumb Gulper Shark from Taiwan and I think I may also be the last of my species.’
Next to her, Baiji Dolphin popped her head out of the water. ‘Just when will I have children?’ she asked. ‘I am also the last of my kind.’
From a moss-covered rock under Silky’s tree, a lizard-like creature waved its tail to get attention. ‘Just when will I find a partner? Blue Iguanas like me are almost Extinct.’
‘I’m Extinct too, nearly,’ said Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat.
‘And me,’ said a monkey whose name-tag identified him as Miss Waldron’s Red Colobus.
‘And me,’ said a sad, frowning bird wearing a nametag which said Blue-Crowned Laughing Thrush.
‘Just when will I find love?’ asked De Winton’s Golden Mole. ‘I am all alone.’
‘Just when will I get someone to fertilize my eggs?’ said Gorgeted Puffleg. ‘Otherwise my kind will disappear.’
Suddenly everyone was talking at once.
Silky hammered with his gavel. ‘Silence, please. One at a time, please,’ he squealed. He had no idea how to respond. He turned to look at Gilbert’s Potoroo. ‘I’m not really sure how we can help you or anyone else. This is a problem that many of us face, including me.’
A kangaroo was jumping up and down to get Silky’s attention. ‘Mr Summit Organiser, Mr Summit Organiser,’ he said.
‘Sit down please, Kangaroo,’ said Silky. ‘There are lots of you around, Kangaroo, sir. You’re definitely not extinct.’
‘True, but I have important news for Gilbert’s Potoroo,’ he said. ‘I saw a lonely potoroo just like him down in Two Peoples Bay in Western Australia. I can take him down there after the meeting if he wants.’
‘Was she cute?’ asked Gilbert’s Potoroo.
‘As a button,’ said Kangaroo.
‘Can we leave right now?’
Silky was surprised and delighted at this turn of events. At last something worthwhile had been achieved. To save a species from Extinction was a big thing. ‘Well, that’s very helpful, thank you very much. Anybody else have any problem-solving suggestions?’
‘I saw a Baiji dolphin in the far western reaches of the Yangtze river in China,’ said Bald Eagle, finally settling down on a branch. ‘I still remember the spot and I will be happy to show our friend where it is.’
A Jellyhead Octopus waved seven of his eight legs from the lake to get the meeting’s attention. ‘A small colony of dumb gulper sharks was recently found off Flinders Island, Tasmania,’ she said. ‘You’re not the last one, my friend.’
Excited chattering broke out across the gathering. Silky banged his gavel as loud as he could, but nobody stopped talking. All the arrivals were swapping notes on the species that lived near them.
‘One at a time, please,’ said Silky.
The lemur used his monkey-like limbs to clamber swiftly up the tree to the branches near the top, where he found one which appeared to balance the structure. He rapidly jumped up and down on it until the entire tree was shaking.
He was in charge of this meeting and he was NOT going to lose control. ‘Silence, please,’ he shrieked. ‘Silence!’
Giant Panda jumped up and grabbed one of the branches. ‘Let me help,’ she said. ‘I can shake the tree harder than you.’
She pulled down with all her weight, bending the tree almost in half.
‘Now let go,’ said Silky.
Panda did as she was told. The tree whipped back upright, and Silky shot high into the air.
Numerous hungry mouths opened below him, following his trajectory.
Food was back on the agenda.
* * *
Part six: The Species Find a Mission
The white lemur landed in the water with a giant splash.
The Great White Shark shot like a torpedo in his direction, licking his lips again.
‘Stop! This is a strictly veg—’ said Silky.
But he couldn’t finish his sentence. A tentacle whipped around his waist and punched the air out of him. He was yanked up and out of the water by Colossal Squid, who held him high in the air, out of reach of the snapping shark.
Then Bald Eagle swooped out of the brightening sky and plucked the lemur out of the squid’s grip.
‘Wait! Where are you taking me?’ Silky screamed.
The great bird languidly flapped his huge wings and took him back to his tree. He sat on his branch, stunned, and shook himself.
The drama of his journey to and from his tree placed the lemur back at the centre of attention.
‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ Silky puffed, his heart beating as if it would burst. ‘We have a purpose. We have an objective. We have an aim. We have a mission. The issue is Extinction. The enemy is the Two-Legged Terror. Almost every species on earth is suffering individually. But if we work together, we can help each other. We can beat the threat of Extinction.’
Every creature present cheered at this. Even the animals who could not hear anything that Silky had said (after all, some didn’t have ears) thought it a good idea to join in the general triumphant hollering. A hooting and a howling and a clapping and a hissing and a squeaking and a chirping and a barking and a roaring filled the night air as never before. The cacophony floated out across the ocean.
Silky, now that he had the ear of the attendees again, turned out to be a natural crowd controller.
He let the cheering continue for a good three minutes, and then, just as the racket was dying down, he climbed to the very highest, thinnest branch of the dead tree. His weight made the tree lean over towards the middle of the lake, putting him right at the centre of attention.
‘We MUST work together,’ he pleaded. ‘The Two-Legged Terror is a dangerous enemy with powerful weapons intent on destroying species and the planet, even though it will wipe itself out along with the rest of us.’
Yellow-Tailed Woolly Monkey waved her bright tail. ‘I have some inside information that can help us, I’m sure. It is SECRET data that can help us fight the Two-Legged Terror.’
At the word “secret”, everyone turned to stare at the monkey.
Agile and thin-limbed, she used Hippo and several sea-creatures as stepping stones to cross the lake. She quickly scampered up the tree and sat next to Silky.
‘My cousins who live in a forest near a city have been studying the Two-Legged Terror for years. The evil creatures have been destroying us and our homes for as long as anyone can remember. But they have recently been infiltrated by people sympathetic to us.’
Asiatic Lion whispered to Chinkara Gazelle: ‘What is she saying?’
‘Enemies have sneaked into their midst,’ Chinkara Gazelle replied.
The monkey continued: ‘A small group of creatures has quietly moved into the homes of the Two-Legged Terrors. They look similar to the Terrors, except they are smaller, cuter, and smarter. But more importantly, they love animals. They love birds. They love fish. My cousins have seen them being openly and luxuriantly affectionate to the whole spectrum of creatures, from tiny hamsters to huge horses.’
Silky was amazed. ‘What is this creature called?’
Yellow-Tailed Woolly Monkey wrinkled her brow: ‘They are called chilblains, or something like that.’
Bottle-Nosed Dolphin leapt out of the lake and spoke in mid-air. ‘The word is not chilblain. It is children,’ she said. ‘What the monkey says is true. They are small and clever and they are on our side. They are our best hope.’
* * *
Part seven: A Future
The moon fell. The dark grey sky was tinted navy blue and slivers of pink appeared on the horizon. It was time for the first Summit of the Species to come to an end.
Silky Safaka was elected general-director of the organization. A committee was set up to work on ways to co-operate secretly with the small two-legged infiltrators to halt the mass Extinction that was taking place.
Dawn rose slowly over the Isle of Nowhere as the great moontide retreated. The lake bubbled and began to vanish for another year. Thousands of living creatures started to make their way homewards.
Silky sat in his tree, stunned and exhausted by the drama of the night.
Then he heard something inside the volcano: a voice. It sounded as if his name was being called.
The lemur carefully climbed out onto that thinnest of branches. The tree leaned into the hole where the lake had been. He looked down.
The lake had retreated at high speed and was now far, far down, deep inside the dark, empty heart of the volcano. In the water, he could see the head of Great White Shark. His mouth was moving. He was saying something.
‘I can’t hear you,’ Silky shouted.
The shark continued to talk. He seemed animated and excited, surging around the lake. Clearly he had what he considered an important message to deliver.
‘I can’t hear you,’ Silky repeated. ‘Tell me next time.’
The branch cracked. It and its passenger fell.
‘Oops,’ said the lemur.
Silky fell into the darkness of the volcano, heading straight for the shark’s mouth. Down, down, down, he fell—a journey which seemed to take ages.
He landed in the water with a tremendous splash that knocked every particle of air out of his small lungs.
He went deep down into the cold blackness before he managed to get his bearings and swim back up to the surface.
Treading water and gasping for breath, he saw the Great White Shark bearing down on him at high speed, his mouth open.
‘Help, help,’ the lemur shouted.
The shark smiled with a thousand teeth.
‘Help, help,’ screamed the lemur.
‘I have something to show you,’ the shark said. ‘Hold your breath and grab hold of my dorsal fin.’
Silky clambered onto the shark’s back and snatched a breath before he was dunked back underwater.
He felt himself being whisked through a series of underwater caves, and then up and out into the ocean surrounding the island.
The shark took him right out into the open sea. Silky wondered whether he was being taken to the shark’s home territory—or perhaps the shark had decided to give him a free ride to his own home. But no, the shark went right past the lemur’s home island.
After a journey of two hours at high speed, another island came into view: a large, green land with tall, odd-shaped trees which looked like upside-down umbrellas.
The shark skidded into the shallow water on a white, floury beach.
‘You can get off now,’ he said. ‘This is where I wanted to take you.’
‘Thank you,’ said the lemur, jumping onto the sand. ‘Where am I?’
The shark smiled. ‘I’ve taken you to an island which you may not have visited before. There’s a very rare creature living on it. A Silky Safaka. A female one.’
Silky was speechless. Great White Shark turned and headed back out to the open sea, under a wide morning sky that was now pink and blue.
Silky Safaka started to walk inland, his amazed eyes scanning the trees.
Ladybirds for Lunch
by Hanif Kureishi
It was a special occasion, a party day.
The identical twins Theo and Jake knew it was, because immediately after breakfast their mother scrubbed the remains of all baked beans, bits of egg, and pieces of toast from their hair. Then, as she hurriedly fitted them into their matching Chinese silk jackets, the boys noticed another strange sight. Their father was helping in the kitchen. It was most unusual for him to wander that far from the television, particularly in the morning.
The two boys looked out of the window and saw what a lovely day it was going to be for a lunch party in the garden. Rather unusually, the sun was shining and the few flowers the boys hadn’t flattened with their football seemed to be glowing in the misty morning air.
This wasn’t just any old lunch, said father, crouching down and adopting his “listen-to-me-seriously” voice. Unfortunately though, since he had decided to let his sideburns grow and now looked as though two hairy slugs had settled on the side of his face, Theo and Jake found it difficult not to giggle when he was talking, and had to keep pinching one another.
All the same, they were informed by their father’s pointing finger that the guests, Frazer and Sabina Binswanger, were very important people who helped decide on the programmes that appeared on television. And since mother hadn’t had a job for over a year, she was very keen to have Mr Binswanger employ her.
Father added that the Binswangers had a villa in France with a swimming pool and servants, where the most glamorous and exciting people went to escape London and meet everyone they knew. Mother and Father desperately wanted to be invited to this fashionable gathering. Except, there was one problem. The Binswangers only liked children some of the time, and not all of the time. If the family were to receive an invitation the boys had to be on their best behaviour today, and must allow themselves to be kissed, tickled, tousled and tossed in the air, when required, by the Binswangers.
‘Best behaviour,’ promised Theo.
‘We are the good boys!’ said Jake.
They slapped hands with their father and each other, and skipped out into the garden.
Excitement mounted all morning. Father frantically searched the house for an item of clothing unstained by crushed biscuit. Mother hunted for her curlers. This involved her glaring at the probable culprits Jake and Theo: she had to “enter the mind of the criminal” before foraging in the obvious places. One curler was in the fridge, embedded in the butter, another was installed in the front of the video recorder, and the last one had been neatly placed in the watering can.
&n
bsp; Then, with her curlers in—and her head looked like a bowl of pasta—mother went into the garden with a trowel to shovel up the numerous piles of cat poo. Cats came from miles around, she claimed, to crap exclusively on her earth. Glancing furtively around to ensure that no one from the Neighbourhood Watch was looking—she was a leading member—mother hurled the cat droppings over the fence into the next garden and scurried back into the house.
The cats were practically the only wildlife there was in Shepherd’s Bush, apart from the people on the street, and of course the beautiful ladybirds, hundreds of which congregated around the garden bench to compare spots and talk about what was happening.
While mother and father rushed in and out of the house carrying bread and wine, cutlery and napkins, and laying them on a trestle table covered with a white tablecloth, Jake and Theo, playing in a corner of the garden, had gone very quiet. On a normal day such a silence would have aroused suspicion. But today their parents were too busy to notice.
Theo had gathered a group of ladybirds in his hand and was intending to place them, for the afternoon, in a cardboard box, so the insects could party together. Jake was hunting for others in order to give them to Theo. Once the ladybirds were gathered in the concert hall of the box, the boys—who loved to play mad jigs on their numerous instruments—would make music and watch them dance.
Before the boys had located a box, they were disturbed by voices.
Frazer and Sabina Binswanger, the important guests with important names, were entering the garden like Royalty at a film premier. Sabina’s jewellery jingle-jangled and her high heels punctured Father’s new lawn, while Frazer’s confident voice boomed across the neighbourhood. They both wore sharp perfumes, which caused all flies in the vicinity to immediately become unconscious. However, the ladybirds—snug in the warm booth of Jake and Theo’s hands—were not affected.
The boys tried to disappear under a hedge but mother was calling for them to greet the Binswangers. Theo quickly looked around for somewhere to lodge his insect friends until after lunch. But there was nowhere—until he spied a crusty pie with a hole in the top, sitting conveniently on the table. He thrust the ladybirds into the pie.