by S. R. Jones
I love good hands on a man. I used to think Nick had nice hands; well cared for and neat. Now I hate them. I don’t think I ever want a man to touch me again if he has a manicure. I’m done with little rich boys who fill their closets with designer clothes right down to their socks, and spend more on skincare than I do.
My fantasy takes on a life of its own and I let myself fall headlong into it. My brain conjures up images of Liam kissing me all over. His heated mouth on my thighs before going there. My fingers are slipping into my panties and stroking between my folds, and I’m shocked to find I’m soaked.
I strum my clit, not wanting to take it slow, needing to release some of the pent up sexual energy swirling within me. I soon find myself panting as I ride the edge of my release, before I crash over with a gasp and then a sigh. “Liam.” I say his name as I bury my face into my pillow and ride out the aftershocks.
Once it’s over a rush of shame washes over me. I’m such a fucked up mess. Wanting a man like some stupid schoolgirl crushing over a pop star, when I need to avoid all men until I’m sorted. I can’t look to someone to save me, I’ve got to save myself this time.
I take a shower and decide to have an early night.
The next morning, my mood is better. I’ve forgiven myself for my stupid needy moment. After all, it’s not as if anyone else knows. It’s my own secret, and I get to have those now I’ve left Nick. I don’t have to worry that someone is going to read my diary or listen to my phone calls. Nick invaded every aspect of my life. Every bit of my privacy, but I get that back now. I get me back. Whoever she might be.
Deciding to walk Boo, I pull on a knee length denim skirt, a strappy top, and some running shoes. “Come on, Booster.” I use his nickname and grab his lead. I think he’s the only dog in the world whose nickname is longer than his real name.
Fastening his lead to his collar, I throw my purse in my small backpack and pull it on over my arms to secure it around my shoulders. We step onto the deck and I grin, taking in a deep breath of sea air. The day looks like being gorgeous. The sky is blue with a few clouds overhead but the wispy kind, not the ones that promise rain.
Across the bay the city is shrouded in mist and I smile again at the view. This place is truly gorgeous.
We head onto the dock and stroll by the next boat, and then we are passing Liam’s. He isn’t there, thank God. Just as I reach the edge of his deck, I hear, “Good morning.” And out of the corner of my eye see a figure emerge from the doors onto the deck.
Crap. I can’t ignore him, but my face burns as I turn to look at him. Memories of touching myself to images of him assault my brain, but I push them away. They are my memories, he has no clue. I fix a smile on my face and turn to him with a brief wave. “Morning.”
I look up and freeze. Oh, Lord!
He’s wearing cargo shorts and nothing else. His incredible body is there on display, taunting me. Giving me plenty of visuals for a re-run of what I did yesterday should I so choose.
The tattoo on his bicep is incredible, but he also has a cross on his chest. Resting between his pecs, in the dip there, it’s imposing, and a more than a bit sexy.
His chest is free of hair, but there’s a smattering of dark hair on his forearms, which are laced with sinew and muscle. Oh, God. My mouth runs dry and I drag my gaze up to meet his. He’s watching me with something in his eyes, but I can’t recognize what.
It isn’t amusement, more…almost wariness, but that can’t be right. He can’t be wary of me. The thought is laughable.
I force a smile onto my face. “Nice ink.” I point to his chest. To the cross.
“Thanks. Hurt like a bastard when I got it done.” He shoots me a smile and holds up his cup. “I just made fresh coffee. Want one?”
I only have crappy instant on my vessel and I yearn for a coffee but I’m not sure I can sit looking at all that is Liam and sip at my coffee without totally giving myself away.
He points to the chairs on his deck. “I’m just going to throw a shirt on, and I can make you a cup while I do, if you like?”
What can one coffee hurt? I ask myself. And he’s going to go and cover all that amazing flesh up so hopefully I won’t spend the whole time staring at him like some lovesick teen.
This is one of my issues. I dated two men before Nick. And then I met him, and we didn’t date, we had a whirlwind. One that quickly descended into a nightmare. In some ways, I’ve experienced things no woman should. In others, I’m terribly sheltered and naïve. I’ve no clue how to act around men.
Maybe it’s time to start learning. And Liam’s hot, sexy, and friendly and even better, he won’t be here long. He said he was leaving after a week. I can make a dick of myself in front of him and it doesn’t matter.
He can be a blank canvass for me to perfect the art of flirtation on.
I nod before I can second guess myself. “Coffee sounds great.”
Chapter Seven
Liam
Not waiting to watch Abi clamber onto my deck, I head inside to throw a tee on, and collect my thoughts.
I heard her.
Last night, I listened to her as she said my name, not once but twice. And the second time, there was no mistaking what was happening.
I’d sat there in shock, my coffee so lax in my hand I spilled some of it.
The gorgeous girl, the one I’d been weirdly fixated on, had brought herself to an orgasm last night thinking of me.
Whispering my name.
Fuck. So much for the attraction being only one way.
Part of me feels bad for knowing what she did, the bigger part of me is happy she feels this way. I can use it. Both to get closer to her for my own reasons, and also to help get her to trust me in case I need to reveal to her at some point my real reason for being here.
I steel myself to go out there and act normal, and then head into the kitchen to pour her a cup of coffee from the cute little coffee machine Nancy has installed in here. Not a patch on the state of the art set up I have at home, this still makes a damned decent cup of coffee.
“Do you take cream and sugar?” I shout out to Abi.
“Just some milk or cream please,” she answers.
I pour in some of the creamer on the counter and take the steaming mug out to her. The day is already warm and apparently, we are being blessed with mild weather. I can see the outline of her small, pert breasts through her strappy top and look away. Such a fucking gent.
Passing her the cup, our fingers brush and I bite back the urge to linger in the touch. She smiles at me, takes a sip, and gives a small moan of pleasure, which goes straight to my dick.
“This is good.”
I nod and then motion toward Boo with my chin. “You taking him for a walk?”
She smiles at me, and it makes her look younger still. “Yes, I thought I’d drive into the city and take a look around. Although I won’t be able to see inside many places with him, but I really want to see San Francisco.”
“I’ll look after him for you, if you like?” I tell her. I’m going to be trailing her anyway, so I don’t mind if Boo wants to come along for the ride.
“Really?” For a moment she looks happy at my offer but then uncertainty clouds her gaze.
“I dog sit for my friend often.” It’s not a lie, the amount of times I’ve ended up staying at Ethan’s so he and Isla can go on some romantic break.
“What dog does he have?” she asks. Stalling, I think.
“Dogs, plural.” I take my phone out of my pocket and pull up some photos of Ethan’s dogs. I push it toward her. “This is Cindy.” I point to the Rottie. “Lucy. Sadie. And their latest addition, Smudge. Although, to be honest, when I get home there might well be more. Isla likes to rescue dogs, and cats, and as of last week, apparently a piglet.”
She raises wide eyes to mine. “A piglet?”
“Yeah. But they live out in the country, and Ethan has a lot of land around his place, so they’ve probably got the room.”
; She looks at the pictures, and I lean in and swipe my finger along, showing her some more. There’s one of me getting a big slobbery kiss from Cindy and she smiles at that.
“You don’t have any pets of your own?”
“No, it wouldn’t work out too well with how often I am away for work. And unlike Ethan and Luka who have significant others, I don’t have anyone to stay at home with a dog, so it wouldn’t be fair. I’d like one someday though.”
“What’s your house like? Do you live near your friend out in the country?”
I shake my head. “I live in a village, in an end terrace house. It’s nice though. Got a big back garden, with a weeping willow tree.” I add that detail in because both Isla and Cara are crazy for that tree, so I think it might be something chicks dig.
“Oh, I love weeping willows,” she sighs, confirming my suspicion.
“How about you?” I ask.
She looks away for a moment. Something I’m learning is a tell she’s thinking up a partial lie. “Oh, I lived in a tiny terrace growing up in an ex-mining village. Then I moved to London for a while.” So far so true. I smile for her to go on. “Then I met someone, and we moved out to America for his work, but that hasn’t worked out, so here I am,” she says with false brightness and plasters a smile on her face.
I raise my coffee cup, chink it to hers and smile. “Here you are, and I hope you find what you want.”
She gives me an odd look. Scrutinizing me for a long beat. “I’m going to take Boo with me, if that’s okay? I want to have a walk with him.”
She doesn’t trust me to look after him, but she’s not sure enough of herself to tell me no flat out. Instead she words it as a question.
“Of course.” Then an idea hits me.
“Hey. I’ve got nothing to do today. Why don’t I follow you into the city, and we can take a walk around together? I can hold Boo for you if you want to go in any shops, and we can grab a bite maybe?”
She bites her lip, a moment of worry etching her face.
“I’ll take my own car,” I tell her. “That way if one of us wants to head on back at a different time we can.”
I wait, hoping she’ll say yes. I’ve not suggested sharing a ride, so my offer is safe. She’ll be in wide open, busy, public spaces with me. Of course, I don’t say any of this, but I know it will be something she’s considering as she thinks about my offer.
“Okay,” she breathes. “It would be cool to have someone to wander around with.”
“Great. I’ll rinse these cups out then grab my keys if you’re ready to go now.”
She nods and smiles again and this time it reaches her eyes. “Cool.”
Cool. She makes me grin to myself as I go rinse the cups in the sink. She doesn’t use the same sort of buzz words a lot of young people do. Not like the annoying twenty-year-old girl next door to me who keeps telling her friends how on fleek her brows are or how woke her latest conquest is, all at the top of her voice with the windows open.
Abi talks like she’s from the seventies or something. She’s endearing, a bit naïve, and a whole lot brave for what she’s gone through.
“You can go look around City Lights this way.”
Her face positively lights up at those words.
“You don’t know what you’re offering. You might end up wandering around with Boo for hours. Bookstores are my favorite place on earth. I love the idea of all that knowledge in one place. All that learning, and imagination, piled up in stack upon stack of paper. It’s wonderful.”
“What do you like to read?” I ask her.
“All sorts of things. I love fiction, but I like non-fiction, too. History. Books on art and politics. I didn’t get much education beyond the basics and I hated not knowing stuff, so I’ve spent the past few years reading as much as I can about all sorts of things. I’ve been on a real history jag recently, and now I’m reading about classical Greece.”
I add smart to the list of her attributes.
Boo gives a low bark and I turn to see a heavyset man strolling down the dock. Immediately, my senses are on alert. I go stand in front of Abi, who is still sat and luckily facing away from the dock, looking out to sea.
I hope my stance shields her, and make sure to keep my body language casual. This guy might be looking for her, but then again, how would he have found her? She hasn’t used her cards so far as I’m aware, and her phones are burners.
I relax a little when he knocks on Nancy’s door, with a shouted, “Yo, Nance.”
“Shall we?” I hold out my hand for Abi, to pull her up out of her seat.
She slips her small, cool hand into mine and I let myself wrap my fingers around her, holding her hand properly as I help her off the deck onto the wooden walkway.
I let go as soon as we hit the ground, not wanting to freak her out in any way.
When we reach our respective cars, I tell her I’ll trail her in to the city and park where she does.
The journey flies by. I barely notice the amazing views from the Golden Gate bridge because my mind is so full of Abi.
I want her. I want to fuck her, that’s a given, but I want more. I’m a bit scared, because I want to see what she buys in the bookstore then talk to her about it over lunch and I don’t do that sort of shit.
I don’t do relationships. At all. My parents made sure of that with their truly fucked up, vicious marriage.
My God, the two of them have spent the last thirty years making one another’s lives a misery in an ever-escalating series of passive aggressive bullshit gestures and slights. They’ve tormented one another to the point where I am not sure either of them even cares anymore, but they simply can’t get out of this role they’re now locked into.
I hardly ever see them because the atmosphere in their house is enough to poison your blood. And besides, they were shitty parents as well as shitty spouses. So, I go visit every now and then, give them some money if they need it, and make sure they’re okay, and then I spend months avoiding all other invitations until I feel I can’t put it off any longer and another visit beckons.
I want to scrub my skin clean of the depressing slurry of their lives when I leave. Their example has made me the world’s biggest cynic when it comes to love.
Still, I must concede both Ethan and Luka seem like better men for falling in love. Happier, more content. I’m glad it works for them, but I can’t see it ever being for me, which is why I need to stop this shit with Abi. She’s vulnerable, and she doesn’t need someone like me playing games with her.
I don’t know why I have this fascination with her, but it needs to end. I promise myself it will. That after today, I’ll stay well away from her and not bother her anymore. I’ll track her from a distance, listen in to make sure she’s safe, and try to get Howard to speed things up on Nick so she can be safe and not need me around anymore.
Yeah, I need this done with before I do something really fucking stupid.
****
I’ve done something really fucking stupid. I kissed Abi.
I still can’t get my head around it. We’d had a fun morning. We walked around the city, from the Financial district, where she parked, up through Chinatown and into the Italian district. And of course, we stopped at City Lights bookstore. She bought a whole bag full of books, including two collections of beat poetry. Then we strolled through North Beach and found a café where we sat outside and ate wraps, falafel for her, chicken for me, and drank fruit juice. Boo got some of my chicken and she grinned at me for giving him some, her face lit up. I enjoyed spending time with her, so it seemed far too easy to spend a few hours with her the next day, when we went to the beach, and then finally, the day after that, when we once more went into the city.
I took her to see the seals down at the pier after we’d wandered around Nob Hill. Her delight in seeing the creatures tugged on my heart strings. She was so damned happy. She clapped her hands together and turned to me with the hugest grin.
Seeing her like that, smi
ling, the sun on her face, her short hair shining around her elfin features did something to me. It made me want things I’d never wanted before. I had some sort of stupid vision of her standing in my kitchen smiling at me like that as we made something to eat together.
And then I cut the day short, pretending I had received a text with some urgent work waiting for me back at the marina because I couldn’t deal with the shit in my head. I tried to ignore her disappointment as we walked back to the cars. I told myself she could stay if she wanted to, I wasn’t making her leave too, and I could trail her from afar.
We’d become kind of close in a short space of time. Gotten along. Too well. Despite my simmering attraction to her, I also liked her. I enjoyed being in her company. She was so damn easy to please, and so excited by the smallest thing. She might have gone through hell, but she saw life through open eyes, wanting to experience it all.
Me? I lived to work. I had done before, in the Specials, and I did now. Recently, my life had been all about building the business up. I loved it, got a buzz from the work, from making something, but what for? The more I pondered it as we strolled side by side back to our cars, the more I wasn’t sure. I didn’t have kids, so no one to leave it all to. Why couldn’t I take the pleasure in a glass of juice the way she did or those damned seals soaking up the sun?
Why did I need to go get myself beaten black and blue, or beat someone else black and blue every so often in order to feel something? This slip of a woman beside me had been through hell, but she was way more adjusted than me.
We’d arrived at her car, and she’d looked up at me, face all happy, and her cheeks pink. She fucking glowed.
I wanted some of that glow for me.
Wanted some of her purity and goodness, and so I’d leaned down, and brushed my lips over hers.
She’d frozen, for a split second, then she’d leaned into me and with a whimper, swear to God a fucking whimper, she kissed me back.