by Kris Radish
Emma makes herself a bed so that the ferns are dancing right above her head, a gregarious tangle of gorgeous green, and she places the letter under the pillow and slips the photograph into the top of her bra so that it sits directly over her heart, and then falls asleep like an overfed baby.
And in the morning what she notices when she opens her eyes, as a jagged leaf gently dances in her hair and the photograph slips out of her bra, is how absolutely close she was standing to her mother when the picture was taken.
Immeasurable space.
Closeness.
The shortest distance between two women.
Then she laughs, and the neighbors who are weary from playing Kick the Can half the night wonder why Marty is back at Emma’s so early. Perhaps they think, when they hear the laugh again, she has never left.
And then Emma gets up, walks purposefully towards her kitchen trailing Marty’s white scarf like the fine tail of a kite, and heads directly towards the answering machine and the telephone that is sitting on top of it.
KICK-THE-CAN RULES—
GILFORD STYLE
This is not a game for the weak of heart. This is not a game for those who are afraid and who do not like a challenge. This is a game of daring, fun, and wild chance, and it also helps if you cheat a little when the first person kicks the can. How exactly to do this will eventually come to you, like any great thought.
The game is best played at night. It can be played during the day and this is a great way for younger players to learn, but the excitement and danger of the darkness—that is what makes this game fun. Well, if you happen to be related to adults who are a little off the wall, that works also.
Any modifications of this game are totally acceptable as long as all the participants agree on them before the can is kicked. It also helps to wear dark clothing, have a light meal and a power drink, and to be kind of sneaky.
It’s fun to be It in this game too, so if you think you lose if you get tagged … think again. Just like everything else in life, this game is not always what it seems. Also, you can change anything, bend the rules, make participants wear non-optional clothing … Most of the time none of us have any idea what we are doing, which actually helps in this game—and most other places as well.
Ready?
HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED TO PLAY:
1. People
2. An empty can
3. Darkness
4. A wide open space
HERE IS HOW YOU PLAY:
1. Pick some poor fool to be It.
2. Find an area or home base for the can that is about the size of a little car.
3. Agree on a spot for the jail where the people who get caught will hang out while the game continues. Some adults like to locate the jail near beverages.
4. Have Mr. or Ms. It stand in the center of home base, cover both eyes, and count to 50.
5. Everyone else run, run, run and find a place to hide before It says “Stop.”
6. It must now try and find those who are hiding, call out a name, and then beat him or her back to the can. If It tags you before you can kick the can, off to jail you go until the can is kicked by someone else and you can sneak out of there.
7. The point is not to get captured and to kick the can.
8. When everyone is in jail, the first person caught is the new It unless you want to pick the person you caught cheating.
9. If none of this makes any sense, just put a can in a circle, have everyone but one person run like hell, hide, and then have the one person try and tag everyone else.
GFR Bible: Random Highlights and Notes
Page 63—August 1961
Uncle Frank initiates empty-beer-keg-throwing contest.
Note: Always remove keg taps before contest begins.
Page 25—August 1953
Aunt Janet passes out when her ex-husband, Jimmy the Greek,
attends the reunion with her second cousin, Gloria the Slut.
Note: Bring first aid kit to next reunion.
Page 192—August 1970
Beard-growing contest a smashing success. Best idea ever: blindfolding judges who had to braid one contestant’s beard to another.
Note: Always announce beard contest before Thanksgiving.
Page 10—August 1950
Everyone came back. Even with this Korean War mess and the boys signing on and the uncles wearing their Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine hats from the last damn war.
Note: Always have a veterans’ salute before the second keg is set into motion.
Page 432—August 1998
Impromptu talent contest includes everything from Cousin Francine walking on her hands across two picnic tables to Uncle Dell whistling “Strangers in the Night” with his back turned because he was needlessly embarrassed.
Note: Use a bit of the auction profits to buy a small microphone.
Page 187—August 1968
Avoided a very close call when Cousin Jack’s son, Bill—a police officer—discovered a mess of teenagers, a few aunties, and that damn Grandpa Harold smoking marijuana in the men’s bathroom.
Note Send Bill a thank-you note for not arresting anyone, especially my daughter Joy, who is now grounded until she is fifty years old.
Page 612—August 2000
Just when you think things might slow down, we set a record for the longest reunion. Sixteen people spent the night sleeping under picnic tables, on picnic tables, and inside the shelter.
Note: Check on legality of overnighting in a county park.
Page 410—August 1989
What are the chances the same Gilford would get struck twice by those now-banned Lawn Jarts? Cousin Freeman is limping, but fine.
Note: Make sure everyone, especially the ex-jocks, covers their big feet.
Page 296—February 1980
It seemed like a reunion but it was Louis’s funeral and what a grand celebration of his life it was, and all this information, all these pages of notes, helped us plan the arrangements.
Note: Announce at the reunion that GFR bible info is available for help with other family gatherings—even when we are sad we still know how to throw a party.
Page 167—August 1964
This group of Southern-bred and mostly out-of-place liberals spent most of the day saluting slain President John F. Kennedy. Tears, laughter, joy, sadness, and so much anger we ended up roping off some trees and had wrestling matches.
Note: Advise prospective Gilford female wrestlers to wear underwear.
Page 64—August 1961
Uncle Frank’s wife, Stella Ann, also decided to throw the uncooked chickens and invented a wild game call Wing Toss. This is clearly a marriage made in the clouds—can’t wait to see what their kids come up with in ten years or so.
Note: Make certain the water is turned on so we can wash our food before we cook it—like that even matters with this group.
Page 710—August 2007
The largest ever reunion, with the kids having kids and their kids too, is celebrated with an impromptu parade that closes off three streets, involves a minor altercation with two police officers, and Great-Aunt Laurie flirting us out of a huge fine.
Note: Find out how much a legal parade permit would cost for next year.
Page 714—August 2008
Beer Pong! Who would have thought? All the college kids had us playing this game on a picnic table with cups of beer and balls bouncing, and the over-60 beer drinkers blew the kids out of the water.
Note: Share this game with my friends during the next dance night at the senior citizens center.
Page 43—August 1959
The hula hoop games got way out of hand after eight adults stood inside what must have been thirty hoops and got their dumbass selves stuck.
Note: Bring a large cutting device to the 1960 reunion.
Page 233—August 1974
Well, the world is falling apart what with the Patty Hearst kidnapping, the damn oil embargo, and this impeachment mess, so we deci
ded to celebrate Hank Aaron’s 715th home run—something positive—with a spectacular baseball game.
Note: Remember to alert neighbors with large windows before we play ball.
Page 658—August 2002
Go figure. All the first cousins decide to extend the picnic by two days, hire a babysitter, and celebrate at a beach resort outside of Charleston. No one gets arrested, which is yet another miracle.
Note: Start thinking about a reunion-planning succession plan.
Page 678—August 2004
That’s it already. Six of the largest uncles went on a sweet rampage and took all the music players, cell phones, and other electronic junk from all the teenagers so they would actually talk to each other and the rest of us.
Note: Issue an electronic warning for next year and put the damn kids in charge of something—like clean-up.
Page 231—August 1974
Frank and Stella’s kids take the cake, the beer, and anything else they want after Hank Williams Jr. showed up to play two songs and sign autographs. All this just because one of the kids met Hank at a restaurant, told him about the reunion, and said we’d never had live music.
Note: Bring smelling salts in case something like this happens again and we need to revive all those fallen aunties.
Page 6—August 1949
This Communist Party bullshit, pardon me, was the talk of the reunion. I finally stood on the table and got everyone to sing beer-drinking songs.
Note: Plan more activities next year so we focus on fun and not some of the stupidness of the dumb men we elected. Oh, and please write Uncle Bernie and ask him not to tell those stories to the children.
Note #2—Louis is probably going to marry Martha Grace. Get her to do this reunion ASAP.
Page 359—August 1985
Oh yes, and there was a resurgence of poker playing that got out of hand when the aunties, who are totally card sharks, encouraged everyone to play strip poker and then, of course, won.
Note: Brush up on card games and wear more clothes to next year’s bash.
Phase One Guidelines
Select annual theme no later than the end of March—keep them amused so they want to come back, and erase that awful year from the Planning Ideas section when everyone—even people who had not exposed skin in decades—wore shorts. It was hideous. …
Reserve the park for the reunion on April 1—Call in sick if you have to but this tradition cannot be broken or a swarm of relatives and killer bees will attack you. I suggest a four a.m. appearance to wait in line for park reservations. Bring wet wipes. The crowd is interesting to say the least. …
Personal Note: Obviously Phase One alone can be overwhelming, so buck up before the next phase kicks in—the details can make or break the reunion, and always remember the year Aunt Doris got involved and we ran out of beer (the kiss of death), the hot dogs were some kind of weird German sausage links, and she dipped into the auction money to buy her boyfriend a trolling motor. Do it yourself, baby.
Phase Two Guidelines
Remember to focus everything around the theme you have selected. Everything from tablecloths to banners should reflect the theme, and the sooner you move on this, the better, keeping in mind the year we decided to honor all our veterans, ordered the camouflage accessories too late, and ended up using tarps for tablecloths. Talk about disgusting You must, and I cannot say this strongly enough, go through what is in the storage shed and bins and left over from the last reunion before you begin ordering or move into the next phase of the reunion plans. We must be accountable for every toothpick and paper plate because somewhere along the line someone married into a long line of accountants and those people would not know how to have fun if they sat on it, and they count every plastic fork. …
Take a short breath then get the invitations to the printer, start ordering the themed decorations, check with Jack at the liquor depot, if he is still alive, and make sure we can still get the Gilford discount—God knows we give him enough year-round business—and then go over everything else you have or should have done. People know when we screw up. Watch it.
Phase Three Guidelines
If you have not picked up the invitations and begun the painstaking task of hand addressing them—call me so I can slap you. It’s okay to put in personal notes—like reminding Uncle August’s family that streaking is not an appropriate activity for a family reunion. …
Phase Four Guidelines
There is only one more phase—take heart and a break whenever you can get one. Time to make a day-by-day outline loaded with as many details as possible. I learned this the hard way in 1973 when I skipped through the planning as if I was stoned, not that I know what that’s like, and forgot to order extra toilets. To say it was a shitty reunion is an understatement. …
If you haven’t figured this out yet, here’s a big tip—something will always come up to try and get you behind, so stay on top of all the planning. One year your father’s cousin Bucky (I didn’t name him) got married two weeks before the reunion and everyone canceled at the last minute because they were still recovering from that event (six people got arrested, by the way). We ate hot dogs for months. Enjoy yourself, but get it all done early. …
Something different every year. Say that over and over. Beyond the usual activities like eating, the auction, and a wild volleyball game or two, try and throw in a shocking or lovely surprise each year. It spices things up and makes everyone want to come back the next year so they don’t miss anything. Please make it legal. The years of streaking, stealing road signs, and 1968 when Aunt Dawn got everyone stoned on the brownies were shocking but not lovely.
Prepare for the Unusual
Don’t even think that if nothing ridiculous, bad, strange, or hilarious has not happened towards the end of the reunion, it won’t happen. Steel yourself, darling. Remember the last-minute streakers? Remember Uncle Lon’s hot air balloon and very late entrance? Remember the year all the kids at the last minute changed into their parents’ old clothes and wore face masks that were ancient photographs of those same parents? Something is going to happen.
Post-Reunion Planning Guidelines
Almost Parting Thoughts: There will be some late bills to pay and the auction money account to be settled but mostly you should be done—almost. I have found over the years that unless I stay busy and maybe have one more kind of big family event, I get a little depressed because the reunion is over. So plan some kind of get-together. It sounds disgusting but just you wait, missy.
About the Author
KRIS RADISH is the bestselling author of five other novels, The Elegant Gathering of White Snows, Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn, Annie Freeman’s Fabulous Traveling Funeral, The Sunday List of Dreams, and Searching for Paradise in Parker, PA. She lives in Florida, where she is at work on her next novel, which Bantam will publish in 2010.
The Shortest Distance Between Two Women is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
A Bantam Books Trade Paperback Original
Copyright © 2009 by Kris Radish
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Bantam Books, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
BANTAM BOOKS and the rooster colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data
Radish, Kris.
The shortest distance between two women / Kris Radish.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-553-90621-9
1. Women—Family relationships—Fiction. 2. Female friendship—Fiction.
I. Title.
PS3618.A35S56 2009
813’.6—dc22
2009015498
[http://www.bantamdell.com] www.bantamdell.com
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Table of Contents
Other Books By This Author
Chapter 1 - The First Question: After all these years is there any chance in sw
Chapter 2 - The Second Question: Is your mother sleeping with the retired attor
Chapter 3 - The Third Question: Is it possible that we do not all have the same
Chapter 4 - The Fourth Question: Why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Chapter 5 - The Fifth Question: Is there any way to divorce your own family?
Chapter 6 - The Sixth Question: Are you running with scissors in there?
Chapter 7 - The Seventh Question: Could you just, please, pick up the phone and
Chapter 8 - The Eighth Question: Could you get arrested for bringing me here?
Chapter 9 - The Ninth Question: Do you ever wish that you were someone else?
Chapter 10 - The Tenth Question: Does anyone know where Grandma went?
Chapter 11 - The Eleventh Question: What in the hell is going on around here?
Chapter 12 - The Twelfth Question: Has your mother run off with my father?
Chapter 13 - The Thirteenth Question: Is there a chance you need to have your h
Chapter 14 - The Fourteenth Question: Did you expect kittens and free beer?
Chapter 15 - The Fifteenth Question: Have you heard that Uncle Rick has run off
Chapter 16 - The Sixteenth Question: Honey, is there any way Erika could stay w
Chapter 17 - The Seventeenth Question: Are you the man who is sleeping with my
Chapter 18 - The Eighteenth Question: Why do you worry so much about what your