Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  ‘I know that, don’t I? Mark Scott lives there.’

  ‘He don’t any more. Went this morning, and if you wanner rent the place you’d better see the landlord quick. I can give you his address if yer like?’

  ‘No thanks. I do know where he lives.’

  ‘Do yer now? Well, in that case I suggest you go round and see him a bit smartish - that’s if you wants the place.’

  ‘Did Mark leave any messages?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She turned and walked away.

  Mark had really gone. Gone from her life for ever. She moved across the road and sat in the cemetery. What was to become of her now?

  The sun warmed her back as she sat there. She still couldn’t think straight. Mark’s leaving dominated her thoughts. Where had he gone? Could he get a plane to Canada just like that? She knew he had enough money for the sixty-pound fare he’d once told her about.

  Gradually she began to realize she had to take care of herself. Should she go and see Freda? Maybe she would put her up for a few days till she got herself sorted out and pulled her thoughts together. She stood up. A party of mourners came through the gates to place flowers on a new grave. Their sad faces made her realize life was very short. She had lost Mark through her determination to find Paula. Now, looking for her daughter was all she had left and that gave her strength for the task that lay ahead.

  ‘Jan! What’re you doing here?’ Freda had come to the door with pipe cleaner curlers sticking out all over her head.

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Course.’ She looked quizzically at Janet’s small case. ‘Bloody hell, what’s gone wrong?’

  Janet threw her case to the floor and, crying, hugged Freda tight.

  ‘Oh my God. You’d better come in and tell me all about it.’

  They moved into the living room.

  ‘Is Charlie—’

  ‘Na, he’s tinkering with his other love, his bike. Now, what’s this all about?’

  Janet blew her nose. ‘Mark has left me.’

  ‘What? You’ve only got two weeks to the wedding.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘What did he go and do that for?’

  Freda didn’t interrupt when Janet went into great detail about all what had happened the previous day.

  ‘You must admit you did leave it a bit late to tell him about ...’ said Freda, giving Janet a knowing look.

  ‘I know, but I can’t go to Canada.’

  ‘Jan, don’t you think you’re letting this thing about Paula get out of hand?’

  ‘No. I was ... I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, I think you have.’

  ‘You sound like my mother.’

  ‘She’s right in some ways.’

  ‘I don’t need you to lecture me.’ Janet was beginning to wish she hadn’t come here.

  ‘I feel sorry for Mark.’

  ‘Why? He left me, remember,’ said Janet sharply.

  ‘Yes but he’d had a rotten day all round. You say he’s left his flat an’ all.’

  Janet nodded.

  ‘And you think he’s gone to Canada?’

  ‘Yes. He was very determined.’

  ‘He had to be. Jan, if you don’t mind me saying so I think you’ve been a silly cow.’

  ‘Shut up. I don’t want to hear.’

  ‘Well, I think you should. This business with Paula is getting ridiculous.’

  ‘Stop it. Stop it. First Mark, then my mother. I thought you might have had a bit of sympathy.’

  ‘I have, but you’ve probably just chucked away a lifetime of happiness.’

  ‘It might not have lasted a lifetime.’

  ‘You know what I mean.’ Freda was getting cross. ‘You can’t blame him. It must have been a quite a shock, poor bugger.’

  ‘But what about me?’ Janet stood crying. ‘What am I going to do?’

  Freda held her friend close.

  ‘I came here ’cos I thought you’d be on my side.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound like it.’

  ‘I don’t suppose your mum’s that happy about all this?’

  ‘No, and as I said, it’s poor Mrs Scott I feel sorry for.’

  ‘It’s rotten for all of you. Now take your coat off and I’ll make us a cuppa. I expect you could do with one?’

  ‘Yes, please.’ She wiped her eyes.

  As Janet followed her into the kitchen, Freda turned and said light-heartedly, ‘I’ m bloody annoyed with you two. D‘you know you’ve just done me out of wearing that lovely bridesmaid’s frock.’ She filled the kettle. ‘I was really looking forward to tarting meself up and swanning down the aisle in me long frock. Bit different to me and Charlie’s wedding.’ She laughed. ‘Here, what shall I do with it?’

  ‘Please yourself.’

  ‘Could keep in it case he comes back.’

  ‘I don’t think he will.’

  ‘You never know, me girl. You never know.’

  Janet gave her a slight smile. ‘I was wondering if I could stay with you for a few days, just till I get myself sorted out.’

  ‘I’d say yes, but I’ll have to ask Charlie first. I know he’s the strong silent type but he can be a bit of a funny bugger sometimes.’ Freda noted Janet’s sad face. ‘But I’m sure it’ll be OK. Say, couldn’t you take over Mark’s flat, just for a month or so till you got on your feet?’

  ‘I don’t know. The rent’s twelve pounds a month.’

  ‘So have you got any money?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Enough for a month’s rent?’

  ‘Yes, but I’ve got to eat and I haven’t got a job.’

  ‘Well, you won’t have any trouble getting a job round these parts. Do you know where the landlord lives?’

  Janet nodded. ‘Danny took me there once when Mark was ill.’

  ‘If I was you I’d go and try to see him. Places are like gold dust round here.’

  Janet looked at her watch. ‘It’s too late now. I could go and see Danny on Monday. Would you come with me?’

  ‘Sorry, I can’t. I have to go to work.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Freda, do you think Charlie will mind if I stay till say, Monday?’

  ‘I’m sure I can twist his arm. Now drink up and wash your face. I’ll make you a quick sandwich.’

  Janet suddenly realized she was very hungry. She hadn’t eaten anything all day.

  ‘I’ve got to get ready after that as we’re going over to see Charlie’s mum. She ain’t that well.’

  ‘Look, if it’s any trouble ...’

  ‘I’ll pop down and have a word with his nibs.’

  Freda was soon back. ‘Charlie said that’s OK. We don’t know what time we’ll be back. You can kip down on the sofa. Is that all right?’

  ‘That will be fine.’ She kissed Freda’s cheek.

  ‘What’s that for?’ asked Freda as she put her hand to her face.

  ‘Thank you for being my friend.’

  Freda grinned. ‘Daft ’a’p’orth.’

  Janet was still awake when Freda and Charlie came home but she pretended to be asleep. She didn’t want to talk any more and risk another lecture.

  The next day Charlie tinkered with his bike and after dinner Freda said she wanted to do her washing, so Janet went for a walk. The conversation was a little strained when Charlie was around - as Freda had said, he was the strong silent type, which made him difficult to know - and Janet was pleased when it was time for bed.

  It was ten o’clock when Janet walked into Danny’s office.

  ‘Jan! What on earth are you doing here?’ He was swinging back in his chair and quickly sat up. ‘Is he outside?’

  Janet shook her head.

  ‘Look, if you’ve come to ask me to take him back, well, I’d have to think about that. We had a big bust-up on Friday and he said some bloody awful things.’ He stopped. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Janet stood clutching her handkerchief. She wiped her eyes.
>
  ‘I haven’t come to ask for Mark’s job back. I need some help.’

  Danny got to his feet and hurried round his desk. He put his arm round her shoulders. She buried her head in his chest and cried.

  ‘There, there.’ He patted her back. ‘Now tell me what this is all about.’ He led her to his chair, while he sat on the corner of his desk.

  She told him about everything, including Paula. She had nothing to lose now. When she’d finished he let out a long low whistle.

  ‘Bloody hell. What a mess. I must say you are a bit of a dark horse. Got a daughter then?’ He smiled. ‘So, how can I help you?’

  ‘First I’ve got to find somewhere to live. Now that Mark’s gone I thought about taking over his flat.’

  ‘That could be a start. You’d have to watch out, though. I think only blokes live there.’

  ‘It will only be for a while till I can get a job and find a more suitable place of my own.’

  ‘That shouldn’t be too hard. There’s plenty of work round here. What did you do?’

  ‘I worked in an office.’

  ‘What, typing and that sort of stuff?’

  She nodded.

  ‘I might be able to help you with that one.’

  ‘I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking me to see Mark’s landlord so I can take over the tenancy?’

  ‘Why not? We can go now, if you like. Things slow down a bit on Monday mornings. He’ll want a month in advance. Do you have enough?’

  She shook her head. ‘Not in cash, but I’ve got money in my Post Office book. Do you think he’ll want key money?’

  ‘He didn’t from Mark.’ He looked at his watch. ‘Don’t worry about that for now. I can lend you the rent. You can pay me back when you’ve got it, OK?’

  She nodded. ‘Thanks, Danny. This is really kind of you.’

  ‘That’s what friends are for, and I hope I can be your friend, Jan.’

  She gave him a slight smile.

  ‘Right then, let’s be off. Where are you going to stay tonight if we can’t get the keys?’

  ‘I’m staying with my friend Freda at the moment - we met in the home for unmarried mothers. I was there last night but it’s not a lot of fun sleeping on a sofa.’

  ‘So you went to her first?’

  ‘I didn’t have any choice.’

  ‘You had me.’

  ‘I don’t know where you live.’

  ‘We will have to rectify that, won’t we?’

  She didn’t reply.

  Janet clutched the rent book with her name on it. She almost gave out a sigh of relief when he didn’t mention key money as Mark had once told her that sometimes it could be as much as fifty pounds. This was her first hurdle over.

  ‘If you can hang on till I close up, I can take you to your friend’s to collect your things, then bring you back,’ said Danny as he drove to the flat.

  ‘Thanks all the same, Danny, but you’ve been more than kind and I couldn’t put you to any more trouble.’

  ‘It’s no trouble. In fact I would enjoy it. It ain’t always fun being a bachelor and living on your own.’

  ‘I can’t see you being on your own for long. You must have plenty of girlfriends at the pubs and clubs you go to.’

  ‘Don’t always want that.’

  They reached the flat.

  ‘I’m all right now. I’ll just get the keys from the man downstairs, and tidy the place up before I go over to Freda’s.’

  ‘If you hang on till about five I’ll call back and take you. In fact I insist, and we’ll go for something to eat as well.’ He leant across and opened the car door. ‘See you at five.’

  She stood on the kerb and watched him go. Then she walked up the stairs and knocked on number two’s door.

  When the man she’d seen earlier opened the door she said confidently, ‘I have come for the key to number four. I have the rent book to prove I am renting the flat.’

  ‘Certainly, love. I’m Frank and you are ... ?’

  ‘Miss Slater.’

  ‘Don’t make too much noise as you’re right above me, and I don’t like a lot of noise.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I intend to be very quiet.’

  ‘Very well, Miss Slater.’ He handed her the key.

  As she opened her door her heart began pounding. She closed the door and leant against it. Tears filled her eyes as she stood and looked round the room. She should have been sharing this with Mark.

  She was now in charge of her life, but was this what she wanted? She knew one thing: she didn’t want to be on her own.

  She began to clear away some of Mark’s mess. The ashtray was overflowing and the room smelt musty. She opened the window to let in some fresh air. The flowers in the cemetery were bright and colourful. The bedroom was untidy with bedding all over the floor. She had to get some new sheets and cleaning materials. ‘But first things first,’ she said out loud. ‘The kitchen and a cup of tea.’

  She was so engrossed in her cleaning and sorting out that when the bell rang she jumped out of her skin.

  ‘Danny,’ she said on opening the door. ‘What are you doing here so early?’

  ‘It’s five thirty, and you’ve got a dirty face.’

  She laughed and looked at her watch. ‘So it is, you’d better come in and wait for me to get ready.’

  ‘I’ve brought you a house-warming present.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you, but you shouldn’t have.’

  ‘Well, I have. Open it.’ He handed her a cardboard box.

  ‘A radio. My very own radio. Oh Danny, thank you so much.’ She lightly kissed his cheek.

  ‘Thought you might need something to cheer you up. Right, now go and tart yourself up, then we can be off.’

  ‘Have you seen the state of that bathroom?’

  ‘I used to live here, remember?’

  Freda was overjoyed at Janet’s news.

  ‘I can lend you a pair of sheets for now.’

  ‘Thanks. I can go shopping tomorrow.

  ‘Look, I was going to take Jan out for a bite to eat,’ said Danny. ‘So how about you and Charlie coming with us?’

  Freda grinned. ‘We don’t wanner play gooseberry.’

  ‘It’ll be a kind of thank you for looking after Jan.’

  ‘Well, if you insist.’

  ‘We going in that posh car you’ve got outside?’ asked Charlie.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I like those Vauxhall Crestas. Very smart,’ said Charlie.

  ‘Is that all right with you?’ Janet asked Freda.

  ‘I should say so.’

  Janet felt a pang of guilt when they were sitting in the café Danny had chosen, laughing and joking. She had just been jilted and here she was enjoying herself. Freda caught sight of her as her expression changed.

  ‘I’m off to the ladies. Coming?’ she asked Janet.

  ‘What are you suddenly looking like you’ve lost a tanner and found an ’a’penny for, my girl?’ Freda peered into the mirror and rubbed her little finger over her bright red lips.

  ‘I feel guilty. I don’t know where Mark is and here I am having a good time.’

  ‘Well, that was up to him.’

  ‘I know, but it was all my fault.’

  ‘So, are you going to spend the rest of your life carrying all this burden on your shoulders and worrying yourself into your box then?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘If you want my advice, for what it’s worth, you wanner start thinking of yourself and your future for a change.’

  ‘I do know that.’

  ‘Right, let’s start with tonight.’ Freda went into a cubicle. ‘By the way, that Danny’s a bit of all right. Not bad-looking and worth a bob or two. You could do worse,’ she called out.

  ‘A man like Danny’s the last thing I’m looking for.’

  Chapter 14

  For two weeks Janet had been shopping, hunting out bargains, and cleaning. During the day she was happy, but at ni
ght when she went to bed cuddling her rabbit, the bed that she and Mark should have been sharing and she found it hard to control her tears. She hadn’t realized how much she loved him, and she missed him so much. Had he gone to Canada? How would she ever find out? Did his mother know?

  It was Saturday. This should have been the happiest day in her life, her wedding day. She felt so miserable, and mooned about all morning. At two o’ clock, when she should have been walking down the aisle, she wondered if Mark would be thinking that, too. Were her parents upset? And what about Mr and Mrs Scott? In some ways they had lost a son. Tears trickled down Janet’s cheeks. She had to get out of the flat, so she went and sat in the cemetery.

  Sitting in the warm sunshine, Janet watched lonely people putting flowers on the graves of their loved ones. Some did a little tidying up, while others stood quietly and dabbed at their eyes. Although she felt as if she’d had a bereavement she knew she had to cheer up, as Danny had promised to take her, Freda and Charlie out to a show tonight and a meal after.

  ‘Thanks, Danny, that was a really smashing evening,’ said Freda as they said their good nights. She pulled Janet to one side. ‘You wanner hang on to him. He’s all right, and so thoughtful,’ she whispered.

  Janet was on her guard when Danny took her home, even though she needed a shoulder to cry on. She knew that if he was kind and loving she would let her heart rule her head and probably give herself to him. That could cause a lot of complications. He must have sensed her feelings because he behaved like the perfect gentleman, and didn’t even ask to come in for a coffee.

  ‘Did he go back home with you?’ asked Freda eagerly when they met up the following Saturday.

  ‘No. I must start to look for a job soon,’ said Janet, changing the subject.

  ‘Where?’

  ‘I don’t know. It’ll have to be in an office.’

  ‘Remember that Danny said he’d help.’

  ‘I can’t let him help me any more. He’s been very good already.’

  ‘He’s got a soft spot for you, you know.’

  ‘I like him, but that’s all.’