by Dee Williams
Mrs Brook took a sharp intake of breath. ‘I thought we were settled here.’
‘You know me, always on the look out for promotion, and this has come at just the right time.’
‘What about Paula’s schooling?’
‘She’s adaptable.’ He left the room.
Paula went to speak but her mother put up her hand to stop her. Paula could see the hurt in her eyes.
‘Just do as he says, my dear.’ She too left the room.
Paula turned back to the window and looked up and down the road. That was her mother, the woman who had given her away. She had the nerve to come here and cause more problems. She was going to have to leave her school because of her. How she hated her. She loved her school. Paula had wanted to tell her to go away and leave them alone. She had upset her kind mother and that made her hate that woman even more.
Chapter 16
Janet felt utterly miserable as she drove away. Tears ran down her face. This had been her hope, the thing that had driven her on all these years. The reason she hadn’t married Mark. But she had seen her daughter, and through her tears she managed a slight smile. Was this now the end? Would she ever see her again? Was life worth living now?
She wasn’t concentrating on her driving when a wheel hit the kerb. She fought to control the car but couldn’t stop it from slewing across the road. It mounted the kerb and hit a bush, then a wall.
Janet sat for a moment or two with her head on the steering wheel. She was dazed and trembling. She sat back. Thank goodness the road had been empty. If a car had been coming the other way, she could have killed somebody. Although she was shaking and her legs felt like jelly she got out to survey the damage. She pulled twigs and bracken from the radiator and fortunately, as far as she could see, only the bumper was bent. On closer inspection she could see there was a dent in the wing but the car still looked driveable.
She didn’t want to go home and brood on the day’s events alone, but where could she go? Freda was still at work and Charlie wasn’t the greatest of conversationalists. She looked at her watch. Danny would still be at the showroom; she would go and see him. He always had a broad shoulder for her to cry on, and he would see about getting her a new bumper and the wing straightened.
Danny was just locking up his office when Janet drove in.
‘Jan, what you doing here?’
She got out of her car.
‘My God. What’s happened to you? And what have you done to the car?’
She knew her face was tear-stained and her mascara had run for she had been crying all the way there. ‘I’ve had a bit of an accident,’ she sniffed. ‘And could an old friend cadge a cup of tea?’
‘Course, come in.’ He unlocked the office again and put the light on. ‘Would you like to go somewhere and have something a little stronger?’
‘No, tea will be fine, if that’s OK with you? ’Sides, I can’t go anywhere looking like this.’
‘That’s true. Now I’ll just put the kettle on then you can tell me all about it.’
‘Is Tina expecting you home?’
‘Not to worry, she gets used to me walking in at all hours, just as long as I get to see her before she goes to bed.’
‘How is she? She’s not got much longer to go now, has she?’
‘About two weeks. I can’t wait.’
‘Never thought I’d ever see you as a family man.’
‘We all change. Look, I’ll tell you what, I’ll give Tina a ring and if it’s all right with her you could come over for the weekend.’
‘I’d like that, but are you sure she won’t mind?’
‘Course not. Look, you ain’t come here to talk about me and Tina, or that bumper, so I’ll make this tea and you tell me what’s wrong.’
They sat drinking tea and Janet told him all that had happened. Danny was a good listener and didn’t interrupt even when she stopped to wipe away her tears.
‘So, after all this time you’ve found her,’ he said softly.
She nodded. ‘She’s quite a tall girl for her age.’ Janet dabbed at her eyes. ‘It’s her birthday in March.’
‘The old man sounds a nasty bit of work—mind you, I don’t like any bank managers, not when they want money. But looking at it from his point of view I know how I’d feel if someone came to take my daughter away.’
‘Do you think I was wrong?’
‘Dunno. It ain’t for me to say. So what you gonner do now, Jan?’
‘I don’t know. This is what I’ve spent years of my life looking for and now I’ve found her ...’ She sniffed and blew her nose.
Danny put his arm round her. ‘And you lost the chance of marrying Mark.’
‘I know. Why was I so stupid?’
‘You wasn’t stupid. You was a mother. I think I know how I’d feel.’
‘If only Mark had understood.’
‘You should have told him right at the start, given him a chance to think about it.’
‘I know that now, don’t I?’
‘Would you see him if he ever came back?’
Janet’s head shot up. ‘Has he been in touch?’
‘No. It’s just that ... well, you never know, do you?’
‘I don’t know how I’d feel. Time makes you mellow, doesn’t it?’
Danny nodded.
‘He’s probably married with a couple of kids now.’
‘Yer, could be. Let me give Tina a ring.’ He went back to his desk and picked up the phone. ‘Hello, love, it’s me. Look, I’ve got Jan in the office. No, there ain’t nothing wrong with her car. Well, there is ...’ He looked at Janet, raised his eyes to the ceiling and tutted. ‘No, she’s had a little bump, nothing to worry about. Tine, have we got anything lined up for the weekend? Christ, I clean forgot about that. What about the weekend after?’ He put his hand over the receiver. ‘That all right?’
Janet nodded.
‘Tine, that’s great, Jan will be coming then. No, just Sat’day night and Sunday. OK, see you later.’ He put the phone back on the cradle. ‘Sorry about that but it seems we’ve been invited to a birthday party. It’s one of Tina’s lot and we can’t let ‘em down.’
‘I understand.’
‘But make it the weekend after. Put it in your diary.’ She smiled. ‘Don’t keep one now. Thanks, Danny, for the tea and sympathy.’
‘It’s my pleasure.’ He kissed her cheek and held her tight. “Sides, that’s what friends are for.‘He handed her a set of keys. ‘Take that one,’ he pointed to a blue Ford. ‘And I’ll get yours seen to. I’ll get Rob to give it the once-over while it’s in.’
They walked to the cars together. ‘Give my love to Tina.’
They said their goodbyes. Janet went home feeling exhausted but she did not sleep much that night. She had an awful lot to think about.
Janet didn’t go into work the next day with her usual enthusiasm. Now she’d found what she’d been looking for, her life didn’t seem to have any purpose.
On Saturday she met Freda in the coffee bar and told her all that had happened.
‘What did she look like?’ asked Freda.
‘She’s got long dark hair that’s done in a ponytail and she’s quite tall. I would have loved to have talked to her. I wonder if she’s doing well at school.’
‘You’ll never find out now, not if the old man has anything to say about it.’
‘No.’
‘So, what you gonner do now?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You could fly off to Canada and try to find Mark.’
‘Don’t talk daft. Even if I wanted to I wouldn’t know where to start looking.’
‘You could go and see his parents. They must know, he’s sure to have kept in touch.’
‘I couldn’t go back there, not now.’
‘Have you ever been back?’
Janet toyed with the spoon in the saucer. ‘Once, but I didn’t stop. I just sat in the car and watched my parents walk back from church. I saw Mark’s mother a
s well, but she didn’t talk to my mother.’
‘So, what you gonner do with your life?’
‘I’ve got to start again.’
‘You’re not going to move, are you?’
‘No, I love my dear little house too much, but I am going to change my job. I couldn’t work there now. I wouldn’t want to go down in that records room again; I’d get too upset.’
‘What d’you fancy doing?’
‘I’m not sure. It’ll have to be office work.’
‘I’m always surprised you ain’t ever worked in a hospital, especially with babies.’
‘I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be a nurse.’
‘No, not a nurse. In the office.’
Janet sat back. ‘D’you know, that might not be a bad idea.’
The following day Janet went to the local hospital, which was always crying out for staff. She was offered a job as receptionist in the antenatal clinic.
That weekend she didn’t go to stay with Danny and Tina as Tina was rushed to hospital. She had a baby girl whom they called Emma. And when they asked Janet to be godmother she was overwhelmed.
At last she was going to get to hold a baby, even if it wasn’t hers.
As, over the years, Janet watched her goddaughter grow into a little girl, and then into a big one, she was aware that her own life was slipping by. She often wondered where Mark was.
Was he happily married and settled in Canada with children? She knew she could find the answer to that just by going back to Stowford, but that part of her life was over. Her parents had never answered any of her letters and she couldn’t face Mr and Mrs Scott, not now.
And when Janet did go out with other men she found them either shallow and uninteresting, or overbearing.
‘What’s happened to whatsisname? Jack?’ asked Freda, after yet another short-lived boyfriend bit the dust.
‘He wasn’t really my type. I know, it’s me. I seem to attract the wrong sort.’
‘Too bloody fussy, that’s your trouble,’ was Freda’s comment when Janet told her she’d finished with Jack Murdoch, a commercial traveller, when he’d got drunk one night and, rather crassly, tried to get Janet to sleep with him.
‘I’ve still got my rabbit to cuddle in bed,’ Janet joked.
‘Hummh. Fat lot of good that is.’
As the decades moved on Janet settled down to her comfortable lifestyle. In 1977 the Queen’s Silver Jubilee brought back the most poignant of memories for her, disturbing the careful balance of her existence. She was melancholy as her thoughts went back to the Coronation and the night Paula was conceived.
Where was Sam, Paula’s father, she wondered. Her curiosity sometimes made her look for him in films and on the television. Had he ever made the big time?
For years she had tried to put the past behind her, but still she found herself glancing into cars, hoping she would see Paula, although she had no idea what she looked like now she was a woman. When Janet saw her all those years ago she thought she looked like her, but who knew now? Could she be married? Was Janet a grandmother?
In the end, she decided her job was the most rewarding thing in her life and with promotion found she could afford almost anything she liked. Except the one thing she wanted more than anything else and that was to see her daughter again.
PART TWO
1979
Chapter 17
Paula couldn’t believe the look of horror on Trevor’s face. She took hold of his hand. ‘Aren’t you pleased, darling?’
He nervously looked round the restaurant. ‘Paula.’ He coughed and smiled, not meeting the loving look in her warm brown eyes. ‘I don’t know. No. I don’t know. I think so.’
Paula could see immediately that he didn’t mean it.
He continued. ‘It’s just that it’s come as a shock and, let’s face it, it does cause one or two problems.’
She pulled her hand away. She felt hurt. ‘I thought you loved me.’
‘I do, darling, you know I do.’
‘But you said ...’ She stopped.
‘Paula, perhaps we’d better go home and discuss this quietly over a drink.’ He beckoned the waiter over. ‘My bill, please.’
After paying the bill he gently took her arm and led her from the restaurant. She looked up at him for he was taller than she, even in her fashionable high heels. He was so good-looking that her heart beat faster. To her he was perfection. His thick dark hair, slightly greying at the temples, and his brown eyes could melt her with just one look. He was always immaculately well dressed and well spoken. She couldn’t wait for his phone call asking to take her out. She loved him, but knew he didn’t love her in the same way. If only she had found him first.
In the car Paula’s head was reeling. His clenched jaw told her he was angry. This wasn’t the reaction she had expected from him. She wanted him to be as thrilled as she was that they were going to have a baby.
Inside Paula’s flat Trevor poured himself a large whisky. ‘Have you forgotten to fill the ice tray again?’ he asked curtly.
‘No.’
‘Thank goodness. You know how much I like ice in my drink.’
In the kitchen Paula put the ice in the bucket. She was upset: this wasn’t how she thought he would react.
‘Thanks, darling.’ He put some ice in his glass and sat on the sofa. ‘Come and sit with me.’
She sat next to him. He put his glass on the coffee table in front of him and pulled her close. He kissed her soft full mouth with all the passion she had come to expect from him. His hand travelled over her breast and as he kissed her neck he whispered, ‘Paula, are you sure about this thing?’
She pulled away from him. ‘Are you talking about our baby?’
He visibly winced. ‘You don’t have to go through with it, you know. Are you really sure this is want you want?’
She jumped back, almost as if she had been stung. ‘Of course.’
He too sat back. ‘But what about your career?’
‘It isn’t that important.’
‘How can you say that? Have you thought about money? These things go on for ever, you know.’
‘Yes I do know, and I also know we can’t get married but I thought I could sell this flat and buy a small house with a garden, perhaps somewhere in the suburbs—this place is worth a great deal now - then you could come and go as you please, just like now. Things will be the same except you’ll have a child. Oh, don’t you see, it will be lovely? I wouldn’t have to worry about—’
He stood up. ‘Come on now, Paula, be practical.’ A deep frown filled his forehead. Why was he so angry?
‘I don’t want to be practical.’ She tossed her head, pushing the soft brown hair from her face. ‘I want a baby. Is that so wrong?’
‘This was something we should have discussed.’
‘Why?’
‘I’m a businessman, not a family man.’
‘You can learn.’
‘You know I can’t divorce Glenda. I can’t leave her to fend for herself.’ He moved over to the fireplace and, taking a cigarette from the onyx box on the mantelshelf, lit it with the matching cigarette lighter and blew smoke into the air. He pointed a finger at her. ‘Paula, I’m very disappointed in you. You said you were on the pill.’
Paula visibly shrank. ‘I was, but I stopped,’ she said weakly.
‘That was very selfish of you.’
Paula was in shock. This wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She stood up. ‘I thought you loved me.’
‘I do, darling, I do.’
‘But not more than your wife?’
‘That’s different.’
‘Why?’
‘You know why. I love you. I can’t have the fun with Glenda I have with you.’
‘You mean she can’t perform in bed as well as me?’
He smiled. ‘Now you know that isn’t the only reason. We get along very well together. Dinners, weekends away, the theatre and countless other things, so don’t let’s spoil it by
having a baby and all the mess that goes with it.’
She looked up at him. She knew she would miss going abroad with him, staying in elegant hotels and eating in the best restaurants. She had also been aware right from the start that their affair wouldn’t last for ever. She was always afraid he might toss her aside one day, but now she was going to have a baby and that would be hers to love for ever.
He held her close and the smell of his expensive aftershave filled her nostrils. ‘Come on now, darling, be sensible.’
She didn’t want to be sensible. She knew if she didn’t stand her ground he would, as usual, get his way.
He was taller and fifteen years older than she but he had a fine body and was so good-looking in a mature way. His few grey hairs gave him a distinguished look and his deep brown eyes never failed to thrill her whenever he looked at her. He was a perfectionist and appearances meant everything to him. She knew when she first met him that he was married and his wife confined to a wheelchair. He never took Glenda out; always said she preferred to stay at home. In the beginning Paula had refused to break her golden rule and go out with him; she never went out with married men. But then, after countless refused invitations, he had told her that he was waiting for a divorce. Her first reaction had been that he was heartless but he’d said that was what Glenda wanted. She didn’t want him to be tied to her for ever and he was financially in a position to provide for her very well.
It wasn’t until Paula was head over heels in love with him that she found out his wife was in a wheelchair after a car accident involving a drunken driver on their way home from a masonic do. As their affair grew she realized he had lied to her and wasn’t going to divorce Glenda. She had received a large amount in compensation and money was very important to Trevor. Paula knew then he would never leave his wife, but despite all of this she was by then so hopelessly in love with him, she was prepared to agree to anything if it meant having him around.
‘You know I can pay for an abortion.’
‘I don’t believe you just said that. Trevor, I was twenty-five last month. I can’t and I don’t want to leave it much longer. This is something I desperately want. I’m going to have this baby with or without you around.’