Wishes and Tears

by Dee Williams

  ‘He’s not that daft. There’s no way he could cope with getting himself and the boys ready in the morning.’ She laughed. ‘No, I know I’m indispensable.’

  ‘You’re very lucky.’

  They said their good nights and Sue left. When Paula closed the door she smiled to herself. She was so fortunate to have such a good loyal friend. This wasn’t the first time in her life that Sue had come to her rescue but this time Paula was a lot older and a lot wiser, and she was in charge of her own destiny.

  She gently patted her stomach. ‘At least you’ll be all mine. Come on, my little darling, it’s time for bed.’

  Chapter 19

  The next four weeks, apart from slight morning sickness, Paula felt fit and happy. At first she had been hurt and upset that there hadn’t been any word from Trevor, but she knew she had to accept that his part in her life was now over, and was surprised how easy it was getting to live without him. Having Trevor around had always been a hit-and-miss affair. Some nights she would prepare a meal and wait for his key in the door; most times he didn’t even bother to phone to say he couldn’t make it. On two of her birthdays when he had promised to take her out she had sat dressed up waiting, but he hadn’t turned up. She couldn’t phone him at home as he had told her she mustn’t worry Glenda. On both occasions when she had phoned his office the following day he had said he’d been out of town and hadn’t been able to make it. She had loved him and they say that love is blind. Now she knew she had been silly as well.

  They all knew about the forthcoming baby at the office and her boss said she could stay as long as she wanted to, which was good news as she would need all the money she could get.

  She was going to put her flat on the market and had been looking at houses near to where Sue lived. She was now ready to move forward.

  Sue had been with her on her first visit to the hospital and everything appeared to be fine.

  Janet looked at the notes she was holding and carefully read them over again. Could this be really happening? Was this patient really a Miss Paula Brook? Could it be her Paula? She was cross with herself; Brook was a common name. But to have the same Christian name - it was too much of a coincidence. When she checked her date of birth, 2 March 1954, Janet felt her knees buckle. She knew then that all her years of searching, and the anguish and secret hopes since first seeing her daughter so briefly, were over. Now Paula was about to walk into her life.

  The memory of that dreadful day sixteen years ago when she finally found her, and her adopted father was so angry he almost threw her out, was still with her. Seeing Paula’s sad face at the window was something she would never forget. Was she ever told who I was? Janet wondered.

  She knew the family had lived in this area once but they had long moved on and the trail had gone cold. Since that terrible scene, Janet had never tried to find them again. But that had never stopped her hoping.

  She was contented in her own way and had never married. She’d finally realized she couldn’t love anyone the way she had loved Mark. She had often thought about him, but even those memories were beginning to fade. Freda said she’d been daft to turn Danny down, but he was happy with Tina and they now had two lovely children.

  She sometimes wondered about her parents. Twice since she left she had driven down to Stowford, the last time just a few years ago when she suddenly felt she wanted to see them. Everything had looked the same. Part of her had wanted to announce herself, knock on their door, but at the time she had worried that she might be rejected. She had sat and watched as the congregation left the church. She saw Mrs Scott but not her mother and father. She had been tempted to go into the church but didn’t think that was very wise; someone might have recognised her. She would have loved to have gone up to Mrs Scott and asked about Mark. Did they still hear from him? Was he married?

  All the memories of these past years came flooding back.

  Mary, the young girl whom Janet worked with, was talking to her. ‘Are you all right? You’ve gone a funny colour.’

  ‘Sorry, I was looking at these notes.’

  ‘Any problems?’

  ‘Not that I can see.’

  Janet read through the notes again and memorized Paula’s address. She smiled to herself. Paula wasn’t married but that wasn’t the sin today that it had been when Paula had been born. She was going to be a granny. It would be wonderful if Paula could accept her. Tears filled Janet’s eyes. Miss Brook was due to have another checkup next week, Janet would make sure she was in reception at that time.

  ‘Miss Brook,’ said Janet politely, trying to keep her emotions under control when Paula came up to the desk and gave her name.

  Janet saw Paula’s friend quickly glance from one to the other.

  ‘If you would like to go along to the waiting room, you will be seen soon. There aren’t many in front of you. You have got your sample with you?’

  Paula nodded. ‘Yes.’

  Janet smiled. The paper she was holding was shaking in her trembling hands. This was her daughter; in her mind’s eye she could see the sad little girl at the window. Janet wanted to rush from behind her desk and hold her. She wanted to touch her, just to reassure herself she was real.

  ‘Come on,’ said the friend, taking hold of Paula’s arm.

  Janet stood and watched them walk away. She had to find an excuse to speak to her. But would Paula want anything to do with her? Had she even been told she was adopted?

  Sue and Paula wandered into the waiting room and sat down.

  ‘Did you have a good look at that woman?’ asked Sue.

  ‘No. Which one?’

  ‘The one on reception. There’s something about her. She looks familiar.’

  ‘Can’t say I noticed.’

  ‘Well, you look when we go out. I’m sure I’ve seen her somewhere.’

  After Paula had seen the doctor and had been told everything was in order, she and Sue left. As they went through the main reception Paula looked around but the receptionist wasn’t there.

  Paula was deep in thought as Sue drove her home.

  ‘You’re quiet. What’s up?’

  ‘It’s funny really. All the years I knew I was adopted and it didn’t really worry me, except that I hated my mother. But it’s only now you start to think about it.’

  ‘What brought this on?’

  ‘It was when the nurse was filling in my records and she asked if there was any history of family illness. I felt - I don’t know - as if I’ve lost my roots, I suppose. I had to tell her I didn’t know as I had been adopted. Am I being daft?’

  ‘I don’t think so. I can understand that’s exactly how you must feel.’

  As soon as Janet got home that evening she was on the phone to Freda.

  ‘Freda, you’re never going to guess what’s happened today, not in a million years.’ Janet was finding it hard to control her tears.

  ‘Bloody hell. That’s a right turn-up for the book,’ she said when Janet had finished telling her what had happened. ‘What you gonner do about it?’

  ‘I thought I’d go and see her.’

  ‘Is that wise?’

  ‘What have I got to lose?’

  ‘Nothing, but it could mean more heartbreak.’

  ‘But I can’t see her every month at the hospital and not tell her who I am.’

  ‘What if she rejects you?’

  ‘I don’t know. What can I do? It’s fate. It was meant to be.’

  ‘Jan, I can’t tell you what to do. All these years you’ve been looking for her and now in a way she’s found you. P’rhaps you’re right, p‘rhaps it is fate. You have sacrificed a lot to find her; now you can only tell her the truth.’

  ‘Yes, I’ve got to.’

  ‘Well, you know I wish you all the luck in the world. Let me know how it goes, won’t you?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘But, Jan, give her time.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘Bye for now, Granny Slater.’

  �
�Bye,’ croaked Janet. She replaced the receiver and let her tears fall. For the first time in her life they were tears of joy.

  Paula lived not far from Janet and on Sunday afternoon Janet was sitting in her car looking at Paula’s flat when she came out. Janet quickly put her head down. She didn’t want her to see her; she might think she was behaving suspiciously.

  It was a lovely day and Paula had obviously decided to walk to wherever she was heading.

  When Paula had passed, Janet left her car and, keeping her distance, followed. When she saw she was heading for the park she grinned. That was the perfect place to talk to a stranger.

  She saw Paula sitting on a park bench watching the ducks and children round the pond. She sat next to her.

  ‘It’s a lovely day, isn’t it?’ said Janet.

  ‘Yes, it is.’

  Janet gave a little laugh. ‘Don’t I know you from somewhere?’

  ‘I don’t think so. You may have come to the office at sometime. I work in Trads, the estate agents.’

  ‘No, I haven’t been in there. I work at the hospital so unless you’ve been there lately I must be mistaken.’

  Paula laughed. ‘I was at the hospital only last week. I’m having a baby.’

  ‘That’s it then. Congratulations. That’s probably where I saw you.’

  They spent about an hour chatting. Janet dearly wanted to tell her who she was.

  Paula looked at her watch. ‘I’m afraid I must go. It’s been very nice talking to you.’

  Janet panicked. She didn’t want her to leave just yet. What could she say? ‘Look. I know this might sound silly, but you look very much like my daughter.’

  Paula laughed. ‘Poor girl. Where does she live?’

  ‘I don’t know. You see, she was adopted as a baby.’

  The colour left Paula’s face.

  Janet was worried she was going to start screaming or faint. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  Paula regained her composure. ‘No, that’s all right. Now I really must go.’ She stood up and hurried away without giving Janet a backward glance.

  Janet sat for a long while just staring into space. What had she done? Paula didn’t admit she had been adopted. But by her reaction she knew. Perhaps she was ashamed of it, or of her mother.

  Janet’s phone was ringing as she walked in.

  ‘Well?’ said Freda, on the other end of the line. ‘What happened?’

  Janet told her.

  ‘So you think she knows?’

  ‘By her expression I’m sure she does, but she didn’t want to admit it.’

  ‘What you gonner do now?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’m getting tired of running around in circles.’

  ‘You giving up? Never. Not now you’ve found her.’

  ‘I must confess that after spending half a lifetime looking it does seem a shame to be rejected.’

  ‘Well, let’s face it, you didn’t expect her to welcome you with open arms, did you?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You’ve got to give her time to come to terms with it. After all, it must be a bit of a shock to see your mother in the flesh, so to speak, for the first time.’

  ‘I suppose so. We do look a bit alike.’

  ‘That’s nice.’

  They said their goodbyes and Janet sat all evening with her thoughts. She didn’t want to change her job again - she was happy working at the hospital - but if it was going to cause a problem for Paula she didn’t have any option.

  Paula was on the phone as soon as she got home.

  ‘Hurry up, Sue,’ she said to the ringing tone. ‘Sue? You’ll never guess what’s happened, not if you guessed all night.’

  ‘Is everything all right?’ asked Sue, her voice full of alarm. ‘You’re not miscarrying, are you?’

  ‘No. Listen. I think I’ve just met my real mother.’

  Although it was only a second or two the silence seemed to go on for ever.

  Finally Sue said, ‘What did you just say?’

  Paula repeated the sentence.

  ‘Where?’

  Paula told her what had happened.

  ‘So she was the woman at the hospital?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I thought she looked like you.’

  ‘You didn’t say.’

  ‘Well, I didn’t make the connection at the time. And you say she lives near here?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think I hate her even more for her smarmy way of getting to see me. I’m sure it was deliberate.’

  ‘Do you want to see her?’

  ‘Of course I don’t. We don’t have anything in common.’

  ‘Does she want to see you?’

  ‘I don’t know. Can I come round? I need a bit of company.’

  ‘Of course. It’s a bit of a shambles, and they’ve got to have a bath, but you know you are welcome at any time.’

  ‘I’ll be round in a short while.’

  Paula put the phone down. She went to the cupboard in her bedroom where all her papers were kept. She took out the box with her birth certificate in and, sitting on the bed, studied it. She knew her surname had been Samuel. Was that woman’s name Samuel? Why did she give her away? On the surface she seemed a nice person. She quickly put the birth certificate in her handbag and made her way to Sue’s.

  Paula helped get the boys to bed and then she sat and read them a story. When she went downstairs Sue called her into the kitchen.

  ‘They’ve gone down now.’

  ‘You can come again.’

  ‘It’s getting me in practice for when I have to read bedtime stories.’

  Sue smiled. ‘You’re going to be a smashing mum.’

  ‘I hope so.’

  ‘We’ll sit out here and talk. I’ll make some coffee. Harry wants to watch tele, anyway. Now what’s this all about?’

  ‘What should I do?’ asked Paula, sitting on the stool at the breakfast bar.

  ‘What about?’

  ‘This woman.’

  ‘Wouldn’t you like to talk to her?’

  ‘No I would not. Can I go to another hospital?’

  ‘I don’t know. You’ll have to ask your doctor.’

  ‘I’ll do that. I don’t want to see her again.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘She abandoned me, remember.’

  ‘No, she didn’t abandon you. Don’t be so dramatic. She had you adopted. You were only saying the other day you didn’t have any roots - well, now’s your chance to find out who you really are.’

  Paula looked into her mug. ‘I don’t know if I want to,’ she said softly.

  ‘What are you frightened of?’

  ‘What if I’ve got brothers and sisters and she still sees them? How will that make me feel?’

  ‘Would you like me to have a word with her?’

  ‘No. I don’t want her to know I’m interested.’

  ‘Well, I think you should see her. After all, you can always tell her to keep away from you.’

  ‘I suppose I could.’

  ‘So, shall I have a word first?’

  ‘Would you?’

  ‘Why not? It could be quite intriguing. That’s if you want me to know all about your mother’s dirty linen.’

  ‘Sue, you’ve been my friend for a long, long while, and you and your mum kept me sane, remember? So whatever happened in that woman’s life perhaps I would like you as well as me to know about it.’

  ‘OK. I’ll go along to the hospital tomorrow and perhaps she and I could go and have a coffee somewhere and a little chat.’

  ‘Who would have thought this was going to happen? What would I do without you?’

  Sue smiled, though she felt anxious. Would Paula be happy knowing about her mother? And was her mother prepared to talk to a complete stranger?

  ‘I think I’ve seen her before,’ said Paula, casually.


  ‘You have? When?’

  ‘It must have been when I was about nine or ten. She came to the house.’

  ‘Did she say who she was?’

  ‘No. My father threw her out, but I guessed it was her.’

  ‘That sounds like your father.’

  ‘I remember she was crying.’

  ‘So she was upset?’

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘Did she ever try to see you again?’

  ‘No, we moved just after that.’

  ‘She must have been searching for you.’

  ‘Do you think she was? I’ve never thought about it in that way before.’

  ‘She might be very upset when, she knows how you were treated.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Oh come on, Paula, that’s not a nice thing to say.’

  ‘I want her to suffer like I did.’

  ‘Have you ever thought why she gave you away? How she might have suffered?’

  ‘No, I’ve always been too angry. Every time my father hit me I vowed that if I ever met her I would do the same to her.’

  ‘She looks quite young, so she must have been very young when you were born—and remember things were a bit different in the fifties.’

  ‘I suppose they were.’

  ‘They weren’t as broad-minded as we are today.’

  ‘Are you going to make me forgive her?’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that—well, not till we hear her reason for having you adopted.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk to her.’

  Sue touched Paula’s hand. ‘Remember, she will be your baby’s only grandmother.’

  Paula didn’t have an answer to that. Instead she said softly, ‘The name on my birth certificate is Samuel.’

  ‘So that’s who I’ll ask for.’

  ‘Don’t let her tell you a lot of lies.’

  ‘How can she do that?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Aren’t you excited?’

  ‘No, why should I be?’

  ‘I just thought it must be rather nice to find a—’

  ‘I don’t want to know.’