by Dee Williams
‘No.’
Did she believe this woman? If this were true then Paula knew her father had been telling her lies. ‘So you never married?’
Janet shook her head. ‘No, when Mark went to Canada he never even got in touch with Danny, a great friend of his—well, he was till the trouble over a car.’ She went on to give her a brief outline of that episode in her life.
‘What about this Mark’s parents?’
Janet looked away. ‘I don’t know. I’ve never spoken to anyone in Stowford since I left.’
‘So my grandparents don’t know about me?’
‘Only that you exist. I would go back if you ...’ Janet stopped. She didn’t want to rush things. ‘They may not be alive now.’
Paula looked uneasy. ‘All those years ago, would you have gone to Canada if you knew where to look for Mark after you saw me?’
‘I might have done, but by then it was too late. Besides, he was probably married with children by then.’
‘Did you ever regret it?’
‘In some ways. I loved Mark, but you see I’d made you a promise when you were born. I was determined to find you.’
‘And it has taken you twenty-five years,’ said Paula softly.
‘Yes.’ Janet could feel the lump rising in her throat. She swallowed hard. ‘Have you still got a birthmark on your left foot?’ she asked light-heartedly.
Paula laughed. ‘Yes, I have. Fancy you remembering that.’
‘I used to walk round the park in the summer looking at little girls’ feet, just in case.’
‘You did?’ Paula was careful not to let her know Sue had told her this. ‘I bet that caused a few stares?’
‘I was very discreet.’
The landlord was calling time.
Janet began to panic. ‘I haven’t had the chance to ask about you and the baby. I’m so pleased about it.’ She wanted to add that being a grandmother was going to be wonderful, but would Paula let her share her life now? ‘Look, would you like to come back to my house?’ Janet didn’t want this evening to end.
‘No, I have to go home. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow.’
‘Please, could we meet again sometime?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Please, Paula.’
‘Perhaps. I’ll think about it.’ Now Paula had heard about her past she was beginning to mellow just a little towards Janet. ‘Here’s my phone number.’
That night Janet couldn’t sleep. She was so happy. She had seen and spoken to her daughter. She was so proud of her. She wanted to hug her, to make up for all the years. She knew Paula had a good job and she was clever as well as very attractive. Janet wondered what sort of effect their meeting had had on her. Would she see her again socially? She hadn’t said very much about herself. When Janet thought about it, it was just her job she had talked about. Janet knew Paula’s adoptive mother was dead, but she hadn’t said anything about her father; she hadn’t even talked about the baby, or its father.
She lay looking at the ceiling. Could they become a family? But what about the baby’s father? Would he let Janet into their lives? Janet smiled to herself. There was nothing to stop her hoping. Tomorrow she would buy her a small present for the baby. After all, she had twenty-five Christmases and twenty-five birthdays to make up for.
Paula too was finding sleep difficult. As she tossed and turned so many thoughts filled her mind. Had she been wrong all these years? Believing her father had been easy, as she needed someone to hate, but now after meeting this woman she wasn’t so sure. Had he told her all those things because he loved her and didn’t want to lose her? Paula’s mind was in a turmoil. I was this woman’s only child, she thought. She said she had given up her own happiness, her own chance of marrying, just to find me. But was that the truth, or was the woman just trying to sound like a martyr? Would Paula ever learn the truth? Tomorrow she would tell Sue all about Janet. She knew Sue liked her and would be pleased the meeting had gone so well. But was this going to change her life?
The next evening Janet phoned Paula, but she was out. She wanted to tell her about the pram set she had bought. It was white. Did Paula want a boy or a girl? Did she want to marry the father? She hadn’t said anything about him. Janet knew she must take things one step at a time, but she was impatient.
She phoned Freda, who was thrilled with her news.
‘So when you seeing her again?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Does she want to see you?’
‘I hope so.’
‘What did you tell her?’
‘Everything.’
‘Blimey, that must have taken all evening. And what about her?’
‘We never got round to that.’
‘Is the father married?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, you’d better let me know all the grisly details when you find out.’
Janet smiled. ‘Of course.’
For the rest of the week Janet waited for a phone call from Paula, but it never came. Was she avoiding her? Did she want to see her again? On Friday night Janet was due to go and stay with Danny and Tina for the weekend. She had so much to tell them, she was always sure of a warm welcome there and Tina knew all about Paula.
On Friday Paula was at work when Trevor walked into her office. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to throw her arms round him, or sock him one. She could see by his clenched jaw that he wasn’t in a good mood. He closed the door behind him.
‘Trevor. What brings you here?’ she said, smiling.
‘I thought that perhaps you might have phoned me over these past few weeks.’
‘Why? I thought we had discussed everything.’ She was cross that he hadn’t even bothered to ask how she was feeling.
‘I’ve been away and I didn’t want you to think I hadn’t returned your call. My office does have problems passing on messages at times.’
She never phoned him at home as he had told her it upset Glenda. ‘No, I haven’t phoned you. I’ve not had any reason to.’ She went to a filing cabinet and began looking through some files.
‘Can’t you stop working for a moment?’
‘Trevor, I have a job to do.’
‘Can we meet somewhere?’
Paula knew she had to be careful. She knew she hadn’t really got over him and she still wasn’t sure if she wanted him back into her life.
‘I need to talk about our situation.’
‘I thought we had said all there was to say.’
‘I mean about Glenda.’
Paula was stunned. ‘You’re going to tell her about the baby?’
‘Well. I think it’s something we need to discuss.’
‘I thought we had.’
‘I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. We must talk about it.’
She wanted to throw her arms round him and kiss him, but she had to be sure this wasn’t just another ploy to get her into bed, and anyway, did she want him now she was beginning to feel confident on her own? ‘I’m not sure.’
‘We can go for a meal.’
‘When?’
‘Tonight if you can make it.’
‘OK. Pick me up about eight.’
The phone was ringing when Paula walked into her flat. ‘Hello. Sue! No, I can’t stop, I’ve got to get ready. I’m going out with Trevor.’
‘You’re what? What for?’ Sue sounded shocked.
‘He’s asked me out to dinner.’
‘And what else?’
‘I’ll have to wait and see.’
‘Be careful. Remember the things he said.’
‘Yes, Mum.’ Paula put the receiver down. Sue meant well, but she wasn’t on her own, and if Trevor was going to come round to the idea of the baby, who knew? She might find a place for him in her heart again.
Janet, on her way to Danny’s, drove round the corner to Paula’s flat, singing and tapping the steering wheel in time to the music on the radio. She drew up behind a large grey car that was parked outside
the block where Paula lived. Janet was going to drop a letter into her flat if she wasn’t home. She just had to see her again.
But before she had chance to move, Paula came out smiling and laughing, looking up into the face of an older man. She didn’t see Janet and they got into the car and drove away.
Was that the father of her baby? He was very good-looking. Was he going to marry her? There was so much she had yet to learn about Paula’s life.
When they were out of sight Janet put the letter through Paula’s letter box.
There hadn’t been any flowers or gifts when Trevor walked in. Paula had wanted him to ask her how she felt, if she was well, but he only talked about himself. In the flat he was on about his job and the fact he had been sent away for a few weeks and he didn’t like the hotel or the people he was dealing with.
She was laughing at him when they got into the car and as soon as they pulled away he began grumbling about the traffic. When they were seated in the restaurant he complained about the menu.
‘Doesn’t anything please you these days?’ Paula finally asked.
‘People and shoddy service certainly don’t.’
‘I thought we were here to discuss you and Glenda.’
His head shot up from the menu. ‘No, my dear, not me and Glenda, that isn’t the issue.’
‘But you said—’
‘Paula, I still love you,’ he whispered. ‘And what I want to know is, are you still going ahead with this ... this baby thing?’
Paula felt hurt. It wasn’t what she wanted him to say. ‘I thought you were going to tell Glenda about the baby?’
‘I was. But she was so upset about my being away that I didn’t have the heart.’
‘But you’ve been away before.’
‘Yes, I know. We’ve had some lovely times together, you and I.’
‘Yes, we have.’ She was getting cross with herself; she was weakening under his spell again.
He touched her hand and she felt a thrill. ‘And we can again,’ he whispered.
‘So what was different about this time?’ she asked quickly, pulling her hand away.
He looked embarrassed. ‘I met this girl. It was only a dinner date,’ he added quickly. ‘She phoned Glenda and asked for me. She said she wanted to thank me for such a wonderful night.’
Paula’s eyes were wide open. ‘You gave her your home phone number?’
‘She must have taken one of my personal cards from my pocket.’
‘Was that when you had your clothes off or on?’
‘Don’t be bitchy.’
‘So what did Glenda have to say about that?’
‘She nearly went mad. Accused me of having an affair behind her back.’
‘But Glenda didn’t mind about me?’
‘Well, darling. Not exactly.’
‘You told me Glenda knew about us.’
‘She did up to a point. That you accompanied me at the firm’s dos and the like. I told her you were a friend of the boss’s wife.’
‘I don’t believe this. All this time you’ve been lying to me and your wife. You told me Glenda knew all about me.’
‘Be sensible. I couldn’t really tell her about everything, could I? Besides, I owe it to Glenda. Now you’ve got this other problem.’
‘Like what?’
‘This baby thing. I don’t want you making waves.’
‘Me, make waves?’
‘Shh, Paula, keep your voice down.’
‘Trevor, I am not going to get rid of my baby.’ She sat back. Although she was hurt and tears were stinging her eyes, she smiled. ‘Shall I tell you why I’m going to have my baby?’
‘Is it to trap me into marrying you?’
She laughed. ‘What? I’m just beginning to find out what a selfish bastard you are. No, it’s because I want someone to love, someone of my very own to love me with no strings attached. Very recently I have found out what it is to really love someone so much that you are prepared to give up your life for them.’
‘That was a very dramatic speech. Now, shall we order?’
‘I have discovered the real meaning of love. I was adopted when I was a baby and my real mother has spent twenty-five years of her life looking for me.’
‘Very touching.’
‘Now she’s found me. That’s love, true love.’
‘So you were adopted? I didn’t know that.’
‘Never had any reason to tell you.’
‘And now this woman has told you you’re her long-lost daughter and you believe her? What’s she after?’
‘How callous can you get?’
‘Please, let’s order.’
Paula stood up and threw her napkin on the table. ‘I’m going home to phone my mother.’
Trevor stood up. ‘Please, Paula, sit down, people are looking.’
‘I don’t care. And don’t try to get in touch with me again, will you?’ Paula walked away. Her knees were shaking and she was having difficulty walking straight. What had she done? She knew now she would never see him again.
She glanced over her shoulder and was upset that he hadn’t made any attempt to follow her.
Paula knew at that moment that she, her baby and her mother could be at the very beginning of a wonderful life together.
Chapter 22
It was a bright June Monday morning and Janet went to work with a spring in her step. She’d had a lovely weekend with Danny, Tina and the children. The weather had been wonderful and she had spent many hours playing with the children in the swimming pool Danny had recently had installed. Danny and Tina were thrilled with her news about Paula, and said they wanted to meet her as soon as possible. The only cloud that Janet could see on her horizon was that Paula might not want her and could reject her completely.
Janet was thrilled but very surprised when Paula phoned that evening.
‘Hello. This is Paula. I got your letter.’
‘Paula, how lovely of you to phone.’
There was a silence as each waited for the other to speak.
Janet broke the silence: ‘Can I meet you?’
‘Of course.’
Janet was taken aback at the eagerness of the reply.
‘I did phone you at the weekend.’
‘I was at a friend’s.’
‘I was wondering if you would like to come to my place?’ Paula’s voice was soft.
‘I’ d love to. When?’ Janet was having trouble trying to contain her excitement.
‘How about tonight?’
‘I can be there in about half an hour.’
‘I look forward to it.’
Janet wanted to jump in the air, she was happy beyond words. Her daughter was inviting her to her home. When she sat back she suddenly realized this might not be the kind of meeting she was expecting or wanted. What if Paula was going to tell her to stay away from her, stay out of her life. ‘No,’ she said out loud. ‘She would have told me over the phone. And her voice sounded kind and friendly.’
But Janet’s mind was full of doubts as well as hope as she drove to Paula’s. As she walked up the stairs to Paula’s flat her daughter was standing at the open door.
‘I saw you out of the window.’
‘This is very kind of you.’ Janet was careful not to show her real feelings. She quickly glanced around at the expensive fittings and furniture. On the stack deck was a photograph of a young girl whom Janet guessed was Paula, with her mother. There was another of Sue and her family, but there weren’t any of men. Everything in the flat was very tasteful. ‘This is very nice.’
‘Thank you. Please, sit down. Would you like coffee or a drink?’
Janet sat on the edge of the sofa. ‘Coffee would be fine. I’ve bought this for your baby.’ Janet handed her the pram set. She emphasized the word your. ‘I hope you like it. It’s white.’
Paula was smiling. ‘Thank you. This is baby’s first present.’ She held it up. ‘It’s lovely, thank you.’
‘Do you want a boy or girl?�
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‘I don’t mind, just as long as it’s healthy. But a girl would be nice. And I think you would like that, wouldn’t you?’
Janet felt the tears well up. She was being included. Her daughter wanted her to be here. She had trouble controlling her voice. ‘Yes, I would.’
‘I’ll make the coffee.’
Janet followed Paula into the kitchen. ‘I must tell you I was worried that you wouldn’t want me in you and your baby’s life.’
Paula turned, and leaning against the worktop said, ‘Janet - do you mind if I call you Janet?’
Janet shook her head. She knew she would never be called Mum.
‘I didn’t want you at first, but now ... When the coffee’s ready I’ll tell you about my life.’ She smiled. ‘We certainly seem to have a lot in common.’
‘Oh, what’s that?’
Paula laughed. ‘Our choice of fathers for our babies for one thing.’
Janet was careful not to probe.
They sat in the lounge and Paula brought out a photograph album. They laughed at the pictures and fashions as Paula told Janet about her adoptive parents.
Janet wanted to take the photographs and relish the childhood she’d missed out on. She knew Paula’s mother had passed away and wanted to hit the father when she heard what he had said about her. ‘I’m so sorry. If only I’d known.’
Paula brushed that aside and went on to tell her about Trevor.
‘Did you love him?’
‘I thought so, but I knew right from the start he would never be mine completely.’
‘He doesn’t sound the type to stay with a disabled wife.’
‘I think it’s a way of saving him a fortune. If he left her she would probably demand everything he’s got in the divorce settlement.’
Janet couldn’t comment on that so she asked, ‘Will you be able to manage on your own?’
‘I should think so. I earn good money and over the years I’ve put a lot by, and when he or she starts school, with my estate agent’s qualifications, I’ll be able to go back part time.’
‘You are very sensible. If I can help you know I will.’
‘Janet, I must admit when you first came into my life I hated you, but now I would like us to be friends.’