by Chloe Adams
My car door opens suddenly, and we both peer up at Chris.
“I didn’t believe you got in a fight.” His gaze settles on my swollen eye. “Do we need to talk?”
“No,” I say and climb out. “Bye, Ari. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Call me!” she orders.
I nod and close the door. The release I felt fades, and the heaviness of my world returns. I look up at Chris. He’s not happy.
“By the way, thanks for setting me up yesterday,” I say, walking up the stairs past him. “There’s a lot of that going around lately. It’s nice to be reminded that I can’t trust anyone.”
“Where else did you go yesterday?”
I stop. “Are you tracking my every move?”
“Robin called when you left the ward. The driver was waiting for forty five minutes. You do the math.”
“I was upset. I spent the time throwing up in the bathroom.”
Chris gives an exasperated sigh. “Dr. Thompkins will be here in thirty minutes then you’re due at the center at six.”
I run up the stairs and slam my door. I’m not sure how I’ll make it through my first week of school. I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. My chest seizes. I see the same image I saw the day after I was raped.
I close my good eye and suck in a deep breath. I sink onto the floor of my bathroom, not ready to look again. I text Ari to call me when she gets home then text Dom.
Know any good jokes?
His response is quicker than normal. None I can repeat to a member of the opposite sex.
I smile and rest my forehead on my knees. My eye stings. I’m surprised that I want to talk to him. I don’t like to talk to anyone but Ari, but Dom is like an escape from the crushing feeling. I just don’t know what to say. Or if I can trust him. Letting him in has ended badly twice.
Letting him in means I can’t escape from the rape, from Robert Connor, from the guilt of being helpless that night and not being able to shake that helpless. Letting him in means I lose control of the few things I can still control. I’m beginning to think I can’t escape those things anyway. Something always drags me back to that night.
I pull up the pic I took the day before at the hospital. The image of Tanya makes me feel ill. Her mother’s pain is on her face. I wish my mom or daddy cared enough to cry for me. Tanya is lucky not to have a family like mine.
I Google her to see how she is. There’s only one article dated today, and the rest of my world crashes. My eyes water again, but I feel too numb and cold and dead inside to cry. I don’t even feel the pain. I stare at the wall across from me. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in the bathroom before someone knocks.
“Mia?” It’s Chris’s voice.
“What.”
“Dr. Thompkins is here.”
“I don’t want to talk to him.”
“Mia.” He opens the door.
He takes one look at me then kneels in the doorway. There’s more than concern on his face; there’s alarm, too. The idea my uncle actually cares about me filters through me. Of everyone in the house, he’s been the only one who helped me this summer.
“Mia, sweetie, do I need to get you to the hospital?” he asks in a hushed voice. He pushes loose hair away from my face.
I hand him my phone with the pic of Tanya.
“Who is it?” Chris asks.
“Her name is Tanya. She’s number eight. I went to see her yesterday after that fucked up trip you made me take to the natal ward,” I whisper. “They took her off life support this morning.”
Chris looks at me.
I start crying. “Why do I get to live, and she doesn’t? Why do I have to remember every day of my life?” I take my phone back and clench it, staring at the picture. “I deserve to die, Chris. That should be me in that bed, not her.”
I expect him to walk off and leave me for Dr. Thompkins to fix. Instead, Chris settles against the wall opposite me. There’s something like compassion in his eyes, the first I’ve ever seen from him. I didn’t know Abbottt-Renous knew what that was.
“It’s not your fault, Mia,” he says gently. “You don’t deserve to die.”
“I c…can’t live like this,” I stammer.
“Like what?”
“I can’t live knowing … I could’ve saved her.”
“The people who did this to you and to her are responsible for their actions, not you,” he tells me in his no-nonsense tone.
“But I know who they are!” I shout at him. “I know, but I’m a fucking coward. I didn’t want … I didn’t want to lose everything. I listened to Daddy. I did what he wanted me to. I did what was best for the family. But I can’t … I’m not Molly or Joseph or Mama. I can’t …” My throat is too tight to finish, and I sob quietly.
He says nothing for the longest time. I run out of tears. Ari tries to call, but I reject it, unable to handle anything more than sitting on the floor.
“You need to do what you feel is right, Mia,” Chris says at last. “I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life trapped in the closet or bathroom.”
I wipe my face with shaking hands. “Will you hate me, Chris?” I ask.
“Mia, I’ll never hate you.”
“Daddy will. Why won’t you?”
Chris wipes his face. “I can’t speak for my brother, Gerard. However, I will support you, no matter what you choose to do.”
Always careful with his words. He’s hiding something. For once, I can read the look on his face. He’s upset about more than me. Maybe he already knows Daddy will disown me. They both know I could bring down two families and cost Daddy an election. Yet somehow, I believe Chris when he says he’ll support me.
“Even if Daddy hates me, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose you, Chris.”
“You won’t lose me,” he promises. “I’ll handle Gerard. You forget how good I am.”
I almost smile. “Ari’s dad is afraid of you.” The man who looks like Fabio shouldn’t fear anything, but her dad has told us both he’d never tangle with Chris’s legal team.
“The DA subpoenaed you Friday. I buried him in paperwork,” Chris speaks slowly, pensive. “It’ll take him months to get to you, if he does at all.” He rubs his face again. “Mia, are you sure this is what you want to do? You won’t change your mind tomorrow?”
“I don’t know what else to do.”
“The nightmare will get worse before it gets better. If it gets better. You’re pitting my team against one of the best in the country. It may never get resolved, when two teams like ours are at court. It’ll be messy.”
“I just know I can’t live with her death. I won’t back out, Chris. I swear it,” I whisper.
Chris rests his head against the wall behind him. He holds my gaze for a long moment. I’m terrified, but I have to do it.
“It appears as though I submitted the wrong response to the DA. I’ll send him the appropriate one and let your father know,” he says at last. “Mia, this will not be easy on you.”
“I want to do the right thing.”
“Even if I can’t talk Gerard out of kicking you out? You might lose everything,” he says.
I swallow hard, but I nod. He’s quiet for another long moment.
“About this Saturday …” he says.
“I’m going to do it,” I tell him.
“Molly told me. I just want to be sure. These are two huge decisions. There’s no going back from either of them.”
“I know.”
“I’ve got to talk to Shea and Molly. We’re going to have to craft a press release for Monday. The world knows you’re pregnant. We’ll say your fight at school triggered a miscarriage,” Chris says. “Which will fix the issue of Jenna Saunders’s legal team calling to press charges for you punching her.”
I stare at him. I always thought Shea was the mastermind behind fixing issues. I had no idea so many people knew things my father didn’t. I wonder if Shea and Chris helped cover up Molly’s indisc
retion, too.
“I’ll hold off contacting the DA until Monday. I have a feeling he’ll want you in his office two seconds after my call. Make it through the weekend, then we’ll deal with the next issue,” Chris says.
“Okay.”
“Once this ball is rolling, it can’t be stopped,” he warns me.
His words scare me. The idea of months or years at court – of losing my family and destroying Daddy – terrify me.
“I have to do it,” I tell him. “Is it selfish of me to hurt Daddy like this?”
“Mia, I think this is the most un-selfish thing you’ve ever done. I’m proud of you,” Chris replies, standing. “I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’ll send Dr. Thompkins home. Don’t be late for your community service. Keep things quiet until Monday. No more fights.”
I manage a small smile.
“You gonna be relatively okay?” he asks, studying me.
“I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “Thank you, Chris.”
He hesitates, nods, and leaves.
He’s proud of me. Like Dom. Like Ari will be. I don’t know why that matters so much to me right now. I pray I’m making the right choice. My world is about to change again, and I’m scared of what that means.
Chapter Seventeen
I survive the rest of the week at school. I even make it through cheer practice without killing anyone. Ari doesn’t understand why I’m distant, but I promise her over and over I’ll let her know. I even ignore Benji. Not that he doesn’t try. Just that I’m really not able to take on anything else right now.
I go to my bridal fitting Saturday morning. As I expected, Molly has chosen classy but over-the-top gowns. All the bridesmaids will be in long, fitted, off-white silk gowns with fur lining the bodice. It’s not something I’d ever volunteer to wear or force anyone to wear.
Irritated at the waste of three hours, I check my phone and find Molly’s instructions waiting for me as promised. I follow her directions and walk through the pedestrian bridge, so no one else sees me, into a building of medical offices and labs. I go to the top floor, to a corner office, and I start to feel like I’m going to some seedy, back alley drug deal. I walk into an office identified only by a number.
Decorated in dark woods and jewel tones, the inside is as comfortable and pleasant as the location is not. A woman in a suit sits at the reception desk. Her nametag on the desk reads Lisa.
“Hi, Lisa,” I say nervously. “I’m here about … about … um …”
“I understand. Your sister called ahead. We’re expecting you.” She smiles. “Come with me.”
I follow her through a hallway into an office that resembles a miniature study. I sit in front of a desk, instead of on a table.
“Dr. Agatha will be with you shortly.” Lisa closes the door behind her.
My anxiety is growing. The office is too quiet. I can’t help thinking about the babies in the ward, of how delicate and small they are. Daddy thinks this is murder. But Daddy isn’t always right. If he’d let me take the morning after pill, before …
I pull out my cell phone. Ari has texted, asking about the fitting. I answer her. I look at my contacts, needing to talk to someone. I pull up Dom’s name and type a note to him. Since talking to Chris, I’ve been wondering about Dom. I don’t want him to be my friend when he finds out I’m coming forward. I want him to be my friend either way.
If I never come forward, will you hate me?
The door opens, and I tuck the phone away. Dr. Agatha is an attractive, older woman in jeans and a sweater with her hair in a French twist. She smiles and sits down in the chair beside mine.
“Mia, is it?” she asks, offering her hand.
I nod.
“I’m Dr. Agatha. You’re young.”
“I know.”
“Many of our clients are high-profile. Rest assured we will respect your privacy,” she says. “I counsel every woman I see the same way. I need to know that you are prepared for this step, and I require you to return in two weeks for a check-up.”
“Okay.”
“Your sister faxed us your last physical. You’re in perfect health physically,” she continues. “What I need to know is, are you mentally prepared for this?”
“Yes.” The words are hard to say, and my hands are shaking. “My family sent me to a natal ward Monday, and I researched my options. My decision is my own.”
We talk for over two hours. I cry as I tell her about the rape. She listens patiently and peppers me with questions about my plans for the future, my religious beliefs, my family’s opinion, my health history.
Finally, she excuses herself. I ask her where the restroom is and walk down the hall. Repairing my make-up, I look at my black eye and pale features. I’m scared. Always scared. I felt a message come in while I was talking to Dr. Agatha, but I’m afraid to look. I’m afraid Dom will tell me to go to hell. I’m afraid I’ll lose him, before I even start the ball rolling.
It shouldn’t matter, but it does. I draw a deep breath and pull the phone out to see his response.
I made that decision the night of the police ball.
I release my breath. So when everything hits the fan, I’ll have Ari, Dom and Chris. I’m not convinced Molly and Joseph will support me, if it means taking politically sensitive positions. I know I’ll lose Daddy, and I have a feeling Mom will never come back from rehab.
When I return to the office, Dr. Agatha is already there. She smiles at me.
“Have a seat, Mia.”
I do, and she sits beside me again. There’s a silver tray with two pills and a glass of water.
“You will experience heavy bleeding for one to two weeks, if not a little longer. If there is any pain beyond that of your normal period, go immediately to the hospital.”
She’s told me this twice already. I nod. So far, I haven’t had to sign any forms or provide insurance details or anything. I wonder if Molly arranged everything already. Dr. Agatha falls silent. I stare at the pills. My hands are shaking. This is the first step in a process that’ll probably get me kicked out of the family.
I take the pills. I guess I expect them to hurt, but they go down like painkillers. I’m in my first trimester. My body will think it’s a simple miscarriage.
I’m feeling sick about this and scared. Ms. Agatha gives me her card and walks me to the door. I leave the same way I came, through the building, across the pedestrian bridge and out of the building with the bridal boutique. My car is waiting and with it, the press. As always. I get into the car and go home.
I haven’t even told Ari what I’m doing. She wants to hang out this weekend, and I tell her I can’t. I know she’s upset, but I have to do as Chris says. Mom says to trust him. I think I do.
Dr. Agatha is right. My period starts the next day. The flow is heavy, and the sight of blood makes me sob uncontrollably all day long. I try not to think about the babies from the ward. Instead, I focus on the week ahead.
I skip school Monday. Ari sends me links. I open them to see the press release.
Joan of Arc loses baby.
I curl up in my bed. I can’t read it, but I’m happy I can talk to Ari again.
I’m so sorry! No wonder you were weird last week! She texts.
I feel bad for lying to her.
You want to come over tonight? I ask her.
Yes!
I smile at her response. It’s afternoon already. I spent the day in bed and force myself out of bed to clean up. When I get out of the shower, another link from Ari is waiting for me.
Rape victim dies.
I lean against the counter in my bathroom. I tell myself I’m doing the right thing and then I go to my closet. I’m there when Ari gets to my house. She looks at me. I know what she’s thinking, but she sits down beside me.
“Everyone’s talking about you today,” she starts. “They all send their condolences.”
“That’s nice.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t.�
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Her eyes narrow. She knows me well enough to know when something is up. Before she can pin me down about this, I tell her my other secret.
“I’m turning in Connor.”
Her eyes widen. “Because of the link I sent you today?”
“No. I made the decision last week.”
“Omigod! What did your dad say? What did Chris say?”
“Chris is helping me.”
“Wait, what?”
I laugh at her stunned expression. “I told him I need to do the right thing.”
A smile spreads across her face.
“I got subpoenaed. Chris was fighting it, but he’s not now. He’ll tell Daddy he can’t.”
“Oh, god, Mia, I’m so proud of you!” Ari threw her arms around me.
“Ari, it’ll be awful.”
“Maybe, but Mia, no one else will get hurt.”
After my group sessions, I’m nowhere near as optimistic as she is. I can’t bear to tell her, though. So I hug her back.
“You’re doing the right thing, Mia!”
“I hope so, Ari.”
“Did you tell Dom?”
I roll my eyes. “Dom or Benji? You want me to hook up with both?”
“Dom’s hawtter.”
“No, I didn’t tell him. He’ll find out whenever I get summoned.”
“I’m so, so proud of you. I’ve been praying you would do this, Mia.”
“Why?” I ask, pulling away.
“Mia, when I saw you for the first time after …” Ari’s eyes mist over. “You’re a sister to me. I wanted to kill Robert. When Dom called me that day, I had a feeling about him. He said he’d do anything to catch who did this to you. He said he’d protect you. I believed him then, and I believe him now.”
I hug her.
“I know your Daddy will turn you out and I know how scared you are. But this is the right thing to do.”
“I could’ve saved her, Ari,” I whisper.
“No, Mia, don’t think that way. You couldn’t have done anything. You’re lucky you survived. You’re meant to take them down, so they can’t hurt anyone else again and so those they have hurt get justice. That’s what you’re meant to do.”