“You and Emily looked awfully close at dinner.”
I groan aloud knowing it was coming at some point. I take my arm from around her and rub at my eyes. Noises in the hall make me think one of my brothers is eavesdropping. I have half a mind to think Evan clued her in. He likes to start drama like that, and Dylan doesn’t care about the whole situation very much. Holden is none the wiser.
“Mom, please.”
“Don’t ‘please’ me. Something is going on. I know these things.” She smiles, her eyes lighting up behind the glistening of her tears. Sometimes when I look at her, I see myself in her, the curve of her eyes and softness of her features.
“Mom, I don’t want to have this conversation.”
She grips my forearm and makes me look at her. “Carson, you two are best friends, but obviously something else is going on. I’ve never seen you look at her the way you have been. Or her look at you the way she did all night. Did you two start dating?” she asks in her easily questioning tone.
“No, we’ve just been…” I cringe at almost disclosing that with my mother.
“So, it’s just physical?”
I barely nod.
“How will that work?”
I shrug. “Don’t know yet.”
She scoffs and murmurs to herself, “I raised barbarians.”
I laugh at her. “It’s the good genes that make it easy for us, Mom.”
She laughs with me, but I feel more questions coming.
“But you love Emily, as friends, I’m assuming.”
I nod, the floors creak outside like the house knows I’m being an asshole here because I haven’t said any of this to Emily. I could barely admit it to myself because it doesn’t feel good at all. In fact, it feels like my gut is trying to run from me because it’s so disgusted too. But my mom brings this stuff out of me.
“I do love her. She’s my best friend, but that’s the problem. With what we… did. I don’t know if we’ll ever be more than this, it’s confusing.”
“What’s confusing about it? Obviously, you are more than friends.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know if I could ever be in love with her.” I sigh, pausing for a moment. “I don’t know if I want to take the risk of being in love with her because then I could lose her completely. I’ve never really done this. I haven’t let my relationships get that far, so I don’t even know if I’m good at it, and I don’t want to test it out on her.” I huff, and it feels like acid coming out of my mouth because I just admitted the one thing I’ve been afraid of this whole time.
Emily and I have been having fun, seeing each other differently. But when I really weigh my options, I don’t know how heavy taking this any further will be.
“That sounds really difficult, Carson, but you have to look at this from her perspective, too. And try to see a good way out of this, even if it hurts to think about it. Don’t damage your friendship out of fear, you two can get through anything. So just talk to her.”
I almost laugh. Just talk to her sounds easy. Every time I have tried to admit to this, I end up choking over my own words and just kissing her instead.
“I’ll try. I might let you know how it goes if it doesn’t tank.” I chuckle once.
“Carson, don’t be morbid. This is Emily we’re talking about. You two aren’t going anywhere. It will be fine.” She hugs me, and I hug her back. I try to block her from my cheek kiss, but I lose.
“Okay, okay. I’m going to bed now.”
“Let me know before you leave. I want to see you off.” She stands and walks me to the door.
“I will.”
We hug goodnight, and I venture back to sneaking into Emily’s room only to find she isn’t in there.
20
Emily
I don’t know if I could ever be in love with her.
It’s all I hear when I’m snooping around and eavesdropping for no reason before I silently tiptoe back to where I should be. But the room sickens me more than anything at the moment, Carson’s room. I look around and feel like I don’t know what I’m looking at. It doesn’t make sense. I never thought he would say that in whatever context it was. We never talked about it, and if we did try, we would end up having sex instead and forgetting about it.
But still, I didn’t plan on ending up with that extreme of a statement. If that’s how he feels, what are we even doing?
I need to get out of the house and clear my head—their huge, obscene house that has been like home ever since I was a kid, a second home. Especially after my mom was gone, and I spent most of my time here with Carson.
Things have changed drastically, and I never thought about how deep those changes could go. The physicality of it is insane, nothing can stop us once we get going. It’s like we took off a cap to an endless stream of crazy and have no way of putting the cap back on. Every time he touches me, every time his lips are on mine and he is just breathing around me, I lose my mind. I can’t think, I’m useless. And when he isn’t there, which has really only been one or two nights, I can’t sleep. I could never not eat because I have the appetite of a forest animal, but when I’m not with him, it’s like something is missing.
Out of nowhere, he stopped being my best friend and became the only man I have ever felt this way about—I’ve fallen in love with him. It doesn’t take much time since I have loved him my whole life. All I did was add a verb to it. I see more with him, I see the end of my life, and the beginning and the end, and now I don’t know if I can even tell him that.
“You like flowers?”
I jump and maybe scream a little at the sudden noise and person appearing out of nowhere. I drop the tulip I was crouched by and spin on my heels to find Grayson behind me. I clutch at my chest as if it will help my rapidly beating heart.
“Grayson, you scared me to death. How did you move without a sound?” I manage a small laugh and smile for him.
He grins and walks closer with his arms clasped around his back. He looks different every time I see him—he is ‘beefier’ now. I mean practically pulling out of his leather jacket and stretching his black shirt across his chest. In the face, he looks hardened, his eyes especially. But like all the brothers, he is incredibly handsome.
“I’m a combat solider, I know how to sneak around.” He chuckles once, his voice is deep, and pretty rough. I think he told us about inhaling some tear gas. That probably did it.
“Right.” I almost laugh, it doesn’t quite reach.
The wind blows, and I wrap my arms around myself. He gestures for me to come closer to him, and I do. We sit on the stone bench in front of the tall, wide green ferns stretching outward. Their garden is like a mini maze with little sections of flower patches and assortments, and it’s beautiful. And very calming, so it’s why I came out here.
“You’re shivering.” He starts to take off his jacket. I try to stop him, but he insists. I guess I shouldn’t have come out in my short-sleeved dress. The gray matches my mood, and I can’t see the little sparkles out here in the dark anyway.
“Thanks.” I wrap his jacket around myself, it’s huge, bigger than Carson’s clothes on me. His cologne smells more like hard, rough edges than anything else. I imagine it’s just because of how he is.
“No problem. You okay? No one comes out here unless they’re emotional.”
I laugh once. He sounds so dejected, but I imagine it isn’t on purpose.
“I’m fine.” I sigh staring forward at the circular stone and empty waterfall.
“I don’t believe you.” He nudges my knee with his. His one thigh is almost as big as both my legs together.
“It’s nothing…” I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I heard you slept with my brother. Does it have anything to do with that?”
I almost choke on my own surprise. But how could I forget that they tell each other everything. They even have a group chat and everything.
“Um… sort of. Maybe. I guess.”
“You don’t sound very sur
e.”
I feel him staring down at me, so I turn and look up at him. Even sitting down, he has inches on me. He might be the tallest of them next to Fletcher.
“I’m not. I thought I was.” I exhale deeply and blink at him. I’m not sure I even know what’s going on in my head, so I have no way of articulating it.
Somehow, it’s easy to try with Grayson since I never see him, and he’s the closest to Carson’s age, so we always ended up in the mix together. Until he left for the Air Force when he was eighteen, we did a lot of stuff together. We were friends too at one time, but it’s not like I really check up on him when he’s over there.
“Carson will do that to you. It was easier when you were just friends, or are you still just friends?”
I glance away from him.
“We’re friends…” I trail off, thinking of our promise currently posted on my nightstand. “Just… things are different.”
“You have sex, too? I get it, friends with benefits.”
“It’s more than that. At least I thought it was. I don’t know, we haven’t figured it out.” I can’t stand to think about what Carson said, I might cry. I haven’t seen Grayson in so long, the last thing I want to do is cry in front of him.
“Sounds like you have some stuff to work through. It will be fine.” He shrugs like it’s that easy.
I frown at him slightly, and he chuckles. “Can’t be as hard as unrequited feelings, at least you’re together… somewhat.” He turns the corner of his lip up, and I laugh once.
“What, you did?”
“Somewhat.” His smile is slight.
“Yeah, but not anymore. They were about you.”
“Me?” I laugh aloud.
Then I widen my eyes at the unwavering look in his eyes.
“Oh… seriously?”
He laughs a little. “Yeah, but it was years ago. I don’t feel that way anymore. It was all very high school.”
We smile at each other, and I nod to myself.
“Carson doesn’t know how to express his emotions very well, pretty much none of us do. Just be patient with him, whatever he said or didn’t say. Just be patient.”
I take in his words and nod in understanding. For a moment I feel better. I don’t have to think about how horrified I was when I heard what Carson said. Or how sick it made me feel because now I feel like I am overreacting. I didn’t even hear the end of the conversation or even the end of that sentence. It still begs the question of what’s going on between us, and if we need damage control or a way out.
Grayson and I sit together and catch up for a while before the cold gets to him a little. He denies it, something about worse conditions ‘out there.’ Grayson is different, hardened, and I feel like I need to talk to him so he has someone to talk to. We should be friends again and keep in touch. It’s not too much to add on to what I am already going through, though.
He walks me back to my guest room, and I hand back his jacket before we wish each other goodnight. I’m lucky, that since I don’t have siblings, I can at least talk to the Wilde brothers. Maybe not in the same way, but I never feel shut out. I don’t imagine I ever will.
Unless Carson and I can’t get past this uncertainty. Then we might be screwed. And all our promises to each other might not mean anything.
21
Carson
I look around the room and don’t find her there or in the bathroom. Maybe she went for leftovers, but I don’t find her in the kitchen either.
I do see her sneaking in her room when I come back up the steps.
“Emily, I was looking for you.” I smile at her, happy to see her. She looked so beautiful tonight in her sparkly gray dress that hugged at her chest and hips, her makeup accentuating her full lips and soft eyes. I count myself lucky that she’s so damned beautiful without even trying.
“Um… I was in the garden.” She stops in the doorway, and I wonder why she doesn’t let me inside.
“Oh. You okay?” She’s got this weird look on, a wavering look in her eyes I can’t quite place. I don’t know, she didn’t look like this earlier.
“Yeah, um. Tired.” She blinks and tries to move inside and close the door, but I step forward, surrounding her, inhaling her sweet scent as I get inches from her face.
“What is it, Emily?” I soften my face and find her eyes.
When she does look at me, her face softens, and her eyes waver back to show that something is wrong. She looks sad. I haven’t seen her sad since the stuff with her dad, but she was a little more upset that time. Now, she just looks like someone lied to her and took her candy. Or something.
“Nothing, I just… I heard what you said.” She sighs, closing her eyes and turning around to walk in the room.
I follow her shutting the door behind me and following her to the bed. She sits on the edge of it and frowns up at me. The guest room has a chair in the corner, and I think that’s a safe distance to sit, but I can’t tell whether she wants to be far away from me or not. So, I take the safe route and sit by her, a few inches away.
“What I said?” I furrow my brows in confusion as I look at her.
She frowns at me, or I think she frowns—only one lamp is on, and the light doesn’t get around the big room.
“Yes. To your mom, I was walking by, and I heard my name.”
“Eavesdropping?” I smile, but she doesn’t meet the smile, so I stop.
She looks dejected at me, and I’m clueless as to why.
“I wasn’t. Call it what you want. But I heard you say that you couldn’t ever be in love with me, and it made me think that I don’t know what the hell we’re even doing.”
I open my mouth to reply, but she gets up before I do. With some dramatics, she plops back onto the bed, shoves a pillow in her lap, and hugs it to her chest as she turns away from me. I turn on the couch and stare at her, not at her ass pointing at me which is hard to do, but just at her, at how she looks like a perfect image, one that I never looked at the right way. The way her hair falls out behind her, long and silky and shiny. The slope of her waist down to the protrusion of her hips, and her smooth legs crossed at the ankles. If I could look at her all day for the rest of my life, I would be perfectly happy.
“Emily, that’s not… I was talking about not taking that risk. For our friendship,” I say. My voice is quiet because I figure I should be cautious, since I don’t know how mad she really is.
She doesn’t seem to be since she isn’t yelling. She only yells when she is really pissed and cries when she is sad. But since she isn’t saying anything at all… she must just be disappointed.
I climb onto the bed, a reasonable distance from her as I lean on the headboard. I take my shoes and socks off and throw them to the ground. She doesn’t stop me when I take her heels off. I know how much she hates them. She wears heels into the office and changes once she is at her desk, the hatred is that deep.
“Emily, you didn’t hear the rest of it. It’s totally taken out of context here,” I add after a long time of silence.
She doesn’t say anything. I just know she isn’t asleep only because she snores whether or not she is in a deep or light sleep.
“Emily, will you look at me? Please?” My hand is inches from her on the bed, but I can’t bring myself to reach out to her. I want to give her the space she is screaming she needs, but I’m itching to hold her and to tell her that everything will be okay.
“I don’t care that it was out of context, you said it.” Her voice is faint, but I’m glad she is at least talking.
“Emily, that’s not fair.” A gush of air escapes my tight chest, but it doesn’t relieve the tension. I feel horrible about all of this.
“Look at me, Em.” I pretty much beg.
She turns shoving the pillow down and making a show of actually turning to look at me, propping her head up on her hand. I slide down laying on my side to face her.
“That’s not true. You know that isn’t true.” I stare into her eyes.
She blinks back tears and curls her lips inward.
“Take those off, they’re irritating your eyes.” I take a beat. She does too and takes the damn things off as her case is already on the bedside table.
This whole week, it was hard to sleep apart from her, and that was only to keep it from Mom until I was ready to tell her. My brothers were all chomping at the bit to mock me for it.
“It sounded like you meant it.”
“I did, but I didn’t mean it the way you think I did.”
She rolls her eyes at me, but I don’t let her pull away from me. I hold her close instead pulling at her waist to bring her close to me. Her legs rest between mine, and she stares up at me, her eyes wide under her tightened brows.
“Carson, what are we doing? I mean really, how did we get here?” Rushed tears fall from her eyes and down the bridge of her nose to pool at the pillow under her.
“To talking about this kind of stuff, to me questioning you, and eavesdropping on conversations with your mom. It’s pathetic. I feel pathetic, for even thinking—” She breaks off, and I start to respond to her, but she cuts me off.
“We aren’t the same, Carson.”
“We are—”
“No, we aren’t. We both have feelings we can’t even admit to each other. We are different.”
“You know we promised each other, Emily. It will be fine.”
“And until then? Until it comes to needing to be fine? Carson…”
“Emily, stop this. What I said was completely clouded by telling my mom about us. I didn’t know what to tell her, and I barely know what to tell myself. I just know I want you, Emily.”
She refrains from rolling her eyes and averts my gaze.
“That part is simple, Carson. I want you, too. But that means next to nothing in this case.”
“Don’t say that, Emily. Yes, it does.”
“But is it enough?” She wipes her tears. “How long are we going to admit to the bare minimum?” she whispers.
Wilde About Carson: The Brothers Wilde Series — Book Three Page 17