Grace and Glory

by Armentrout, Jennifer L.

  “I’m not trying to offend you, and it’s not like I think you don’t love me enough to deal with it, but I can’t help worrying about that,” I admitted, feeling like I was naked even though I was completely clothed. “And considering what we faced—what we will face—it feels stupid to even be talking about this right now.”

  “It’s not stupid,” Zayne argued. “It’s important. Continue.”

  I took a deep breath. “I don’t even know how bad it’s going to get for me. So how can you know that it won’t get annoying? And if it did, I wouldn’t blame you. I get annoyed with myself when I walk into whatever stupid thing that’s been in the same place since the beginning of time. I get annoyed even now when I try to read the instructions or expiration dates on something and I have to guess what I’m reading. So, I just... I don’t want to feel...” Trailing off, I lifted my shoulders in a shrug. “How did we even end up talking about this?”

  “You brought it up,” he reminded me, brushing my hair back from my cheek. “I know what you were going to say.”

  “Do you know, all-knowing one?”

  One side of his lips tipped up. It was a brief grin. “You don’t want to feel like a burden. That’s what you were going to say, but, Trin, nothing about you will ever be a burden. Everything about you is a goddamn privilege.”

  My chest.

  Ugh.

  It swelled like there was a balloon inside it. “Why?” I toppled forward, dropping my head on his shoulder. “Why do you have to always say the right stuff, Zayne? I’m trying to freak out over here and you’re getting in the way of that.”

  “Sorry?” He sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

  “And look, my crappy vision isn’t even an issue right now. You’re going to stay perpetually young and buff, and I’m going to get old and my hips are going to break. Then I’ll have to become this better person who discovers if you love someone you set them free. And I’ll have to tell you to go and live your life, find someone young—”

  “Stop.” Zayne did laugh then, catching my arms and lifting me off his shoulder. His eyes met mine—eyes that would never dull or become rheumy with age. “That’s not what’s going to happen.”

  “You’re right.” I glared at him. “I am so not going to be that person. I think ‘if you love someone, set them free’ is one of the stupidest sayings out there. I’m way too jealous and selfish. I don’t care if I’m ninety, I will still cut a—”

  “I don’t want you to be a better person. I like you being jealous and selfish.” He grinned at me like I was being silly, and of course he could think that since he was a freaking fallen angel. “There won’t be another person for me. Not now. Not even when you’re ninety.”

  “Easy for you to say when you’ll look like this forever.” Eventually people would think I was a cougar when they saw me with Zayne, and there would be a future where that happened, because I refused to believe that we wouldn’t defeat Gabriel.

  “It’s easy for me to say that because I love you, and that runs deeper than skin or broken hips,” he said, and without any warning, he moved. He lifted me out of his lap and onto my back, slipping my body under his. He held his weight off me, bracing one arm by my head. “That’s not something that goes away with age. It’ll strengthen and become unbreakable. That I know for a fact. I wouldn’t have Fallen if what I felt for you was that weak. You wouldn’t have fought for me, refusing to give up, if your love for me was that easy to break.”

  I pressed my lips together in a mulish line. “You’re doing it again.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Saying the right stuff.”

  He arched an eyebrow. “Do you want me to stop doing that?”

  “Yes.” I sighed. “No.”

  Zayne’s smile wrapped its way around my heart. “I get why this would freak you out, I do, but that’s borrowing tomorrow’s problems. We got enough for today, don’t we?”

  “We do.” Lifting a hand, I touched his chin. His skin was so warm. “But that’s a lot like crossing that bridge when we get there, and we will get there, Zayne. That bridge is going to come.”

  “And we’ll cross it together.” He dipped his chin, pressing a quick kiss to the tips of my fingers. “We’ll figure it out together. That’s all we can do, because you just got me back. I just got you back. We have what so many people never have—a second chance. We deserve that, and we’re still going to have to fight for it. What could happen years from now is not going to steal every day between now and then from us. That’s what it will do if we stress over it now.”

  He was right. There was already enough threatening to take away that second chance. It would be hard not to worry about it, just like it was hard not to stress over my vision, but I’d learned to not let what would eventually happen get in the way of living. Just like he couldn’t let what he’d done when he first Fell change who he was now.

  Zayne’s lips brushed over mine in a sweet, soft kiss, and I opened up, letting him in. All the many concerns fell to the wayside. That was how powerful his kisses were. Or maybe that was just how powerful my love for him was.

  And God, I would never get tired of how his lips felt against mine. I would never not be awed by how the gentle and questioning press of his mouth to mine could elicit such a maddening rush of sensations from me.

  Slipping my hands up to his shoulders, I tugged on him until I felt the warmth of his skin through my shirt. The edges of his hair tickled my cheeks as I nipped on his lower lip.

  There was an answering rumble from deep inside his throat that curled my toes. The kiss deepened, and the air around us seemed to crackle. There was a razor-sharp, almost desperate edge to the way our mouths met, and I imagined it was hitting us right then how incredibly lucky we were that we got to experience this again. It wasn’t that what we’d done in the pool hadn’t counted. It had, and it, too, had been powerful. Those early-morning hours had been proof that Zayne had still been in there, that his love for me was still guiding his actions. This was different, though, because it was us.

  We got a little lost in just...in just kissing. There were soft and achingly sweet ones. Kisses that were teasing and playful. Then there were the ones that left me aching and breathless. All of them were my favorite, because it was Zayne who I was kissing.

  More than anything I wanted to lose myself in him, to forget about everything. And I think he did, too, but he lifted his head after one last drugging kiss.

  “I’ve missed you,” he said, his voice as unsteady as the breaths he took.

  “Same,” I whispered, dragging my fingers along his cheek. The glow behind his pupils appeared muted.

  He shifted his weight onto one arm, and slowly, he lifted his hand and tucked the strands of my hair back from my face. “When we were together early Sunday morning?” He swallowed as he drew the tip of his finger along the curve of my cheek. “I...I don’t know how to feel about that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That was me and it wasn’t me. I knew what was happening. That was something that I was controlling, but I just think what if you did that because you felt like you had to? If I could go back, I wouldn’t have done that,” he admitted. “Not that I didn’t enjoy it—”

  “I know. I enjoyed it.” I cupped his cheeks. “You didn’t force me. I initiated it. I knew what I was doing and I didn’t feel like I had to.”

  “I know I didn’t do that, but it just doesn’t...it doesn’t sit well with me. You had no idea if the Crone would be able to help you at that point.” His finger ghosted over my lower lip. “I’d just dropped you in a pool, and earlier that night, I fought you. I threatened you, and then I was inside you. I could’ve hurt you during it. I could’ve hurt you afterward.”

  “I understand why you feel this way. I do,” I said softly, and I did. Zayne was good to the core, even when he was missing a part of his so
ul, and even now, when he was a Fallen and technically had no soul. It really made me question the whole soul thing and how much it played a role in people’s feelings and actions, but now wasn’t the time for that. “You didn’t hurt me, Zayne. You had control, and what we did gave me hope. I know how crazy that sounds, but it was further proof that you were still in there, and I needed that.” I lifted my head, kissing him softly. “You don’t have to like what happened. I can understand why you couldn’t. I just don’t want it to hurt you.”

  He slid a hand down my arm, curling his fingers around my wrist. Pulling the hand away from his cheek, he kissed the center of my palm again. When his eyes met mine again, he let out a ragged breath and his shoulders seemed to loosen. “We didn’t use protection.”

  There was a trip in my heart. “I know,” I whispered.

  He kissed my palm again. “Fallen are able to reproduce with humans.”

  “I know,” I repeated. “But I don’t know if I can. I started thinking about it afterward, because...well, for obvious reasons, and don’t know if any Trueborn has ever reproduced.”

  “You don’t know a lot about Trueborns,” he pointed out.

  “And that’s why I asked Dez to see if Gideon could find anything that would indicate either way.”

  Zayne blinked. “You asked Dez to ask Gideon?”

  “Who else was I supposed to ask? I don’t think Thierry or Matthew would know—and that is a conversation I so do not want to have with them—and I thought of Gideon. He knows a lot and has access to a bunch of dusty books that no one reads,” I told him. “Unless an angel is going to pop up and answer the question, he was the best idea I could come up with.”

  “I can’t even imagine what that conversation with Dez went like.”

  “Oh, trust me, you don’t want to. I would like to pretend it never happened, but hopefully he finds something out so we...”

  Those ultrabright eyes met mine. “So we know.”

  Stomach flip-flopping all over the place, I nodded and then I started to speak but stopped.

  Always observant, he caught it. “What? What were you about to say?”

  Warmth crept into my cheeks as I untangled my tongue. “What would we do if I... God,” I groaned. “I can barely say it, which I know is stupid. But saying it makes it a more real possibility, and that reality is superscary now or ten years from now.”

  “Agreed.” He nodded.

  “But we’re adults, right? Basically. You more so than me, but it’s not like we’re not old enough—” I stopped myself with a shaky laugh. “Who am I kidding? If I was thirty, I wouldn’t feel old enough. What are we going to do if what you’ve got going on works with what I’ve got going on?”

  One of his brows rose. “You mean, what if I got you pregnant?”

  “What if we got ourselves pregnant,” I corrected.

  “I don’t know,” he said with a soft, somewhat uncertain laugh. “We would—”

  “Have to figure it out?”

  “Together. Yes.”

  “I can’t... I can’t even think about it,” I admitted. “That’s possibly the most immature response, which is a key sign that I’ll make a terrible parent, but I can’t even wrap my head around that possibility.”

  “I can’t, either. And it’s not that I wouldn’t be okay with the idea—if that’s what you decided,” he said, and the next breath I took lodged somewhere in the swelling in my chest. “It’s just not something I’ve prepared myself for, but I will get prepared no matter what happens or is decided.”

  Some of the unacknowledged tension loosened. It wasn’t that the possibility of being pregnant didn’t still freak me the Hell out. It did and then some, but it wouldn’t be something I faced alone. There was nothing I would face alone now.

  “So, we’ve covered my dad, what it was like to get pumped full of grace, Lucifer, my crap vision, the fact I will grow old and you won’t, your dismay over what happened between us in the pool and the possibility of me being pregnant.” I grinned. “What a reunion, huh?”

  Zayne laughed. “It’s perfect.”

  “Whatever.”

  “It is.” Dipping his head, he kissed me. “I need a shower. Want to join me?”

  My heart skipped a beat and muscles low in my stomach tightened even as tiny beads of uncertainty pilled up in my stomach. I’d never showered with someone before. Obviously. Zayne was the first guy I’d ever been completely naked with, so my mind immediately showed me, in detail, all the ways I’d end up looking and behaving like a total goober, but my heart and my body was screaming, Shower? With Zayne? Yes and yes, please.

  Those tiny beads in my stomach started bouncing with nervous energy, but now more than ever, I couldn’t let fear and self-consciousness drive my decisions. Not after learning the hard way that tomorrow wasn’t promised.

  “Okay,” I said, hoping my voice didn’t sound as squeaky to him as it did to me. “I mean, yes. Sure.” Heat crept into my cheeks. “I’d like that.”

  “You sure?” A softness had settled into his features. “We don’t have—”

  “I’m sure,” I interrupted. “Hundred percent sure.”

  “Good.” Zayne smiled then, and a whooshing motion swept through my chest. “Because I really don’t want to let you out of my sight for more than a few minutes. That probably sounds needy as Hell, but I just...” Lashes swept down, hiding his eyes. “I don’t know. I’m not expecting anything beyond you being there with me. I just need to be able to see you.”

  “I get it.” And Lord, did I ever completely understand. “I feel the same way.”

  He dipped his head, kissing me. “Why don’t you go ahead and get the shower started? I’m going to de-Cayman-ize the kitchen first.”

  Since part of that mess was mine, I started to tell him he didn’t have to do that, but then it struck me. He was giving me time, making this less awkward, and yeah, getting undressed and stepping into the shower with him probably would have me giggling like there was something wrong with me.

  Whatever it was that made Zayne so incredibly thoughtful and considerate was still there. It was the part of him that set him apart from so many and it made it all too easy to fall in love with him despite the risks.

  Heart squeezing, I stretched up and kissed him. What was supposed to be a thank-you turned into something a little more, and it was several moments before Zayne rolled off me. I got a little hung up in staring at the markings on his back, but finally got my body moving.

  I hurried to the bathroom, my heart beating way too fast as I brushed my teeth and cranked on the water. There was a dizzying rush of anticipation and nervousness, and an acute sense of surreality as I stripped off my clothes, toeing them into a corner and then picking them up, actually making use of the empty laundry hamper. Quickly grabbing the other small piles of clothing scattered about, I tossed them where they belonged and, before I started giggling like I’d been afraid of or passed out, I stepped under the hot spray.

  My senses were so hyperaware that my hands were trembling as I turned slowly. It wasn’t that I was scared. It wasn’t like I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t anything like that. It was just that everything felt like...like it was a first. The showering together thing definitely was, but even though we’d experienced all manner of kisses and so much more, everything felt different and new now.

  Water plastered my hair to my back and streamed over my body as I looked down at the numerous fading cuts and bruises. My body was a patchwork of old scars and new ones, and I knew that each one of those flaws was exactly as Zayne had said earlier—a badge of strength. I wasn’t embarrassed by them. I was proud.

  The corners of my lips tipped down as water sluiced between my breasts. The skin in between was pinker than normal, and it almost looked like a...scratch in a straight line. I touched the skin. It was tender, but not exactly painful. Having no idea where
that came from, I closed my eyes and lifted my chin, letting the showerhead wash more than just the last twenty-four hours away. Soon, Zayne and I were going to have to talk to the clan and let them know more than that he was okay. We’d have to start working on a plan B just in case Lucifer wasn’t interested in stroking his ego and saving the world. Even with his help, we still needed to discover where Gabriel and Bael were holed up. There was the school and the damn portal underneath that needed to be dealt with. I could call Jada now and not freak her out...too much, and I needed to figure out what in the heck was going on with this Gena person Peanut appeared to be spending more and more time with. I also needed to carve out some time to truly freak out over the fact that Zayne wasn’t going to age, and continue to worry about the big what-if. What if I ended up pregnant? What would that really mean?

  Looking down once more, I wiggled my toes as I placed the tips of my fingers against my stomach. No amount of chasing demons and leaping from building to building would ever result in a flat stomach. The junk food probably had a lot to do with that, but if I had to choose between a flat stomach and French fries, I was always going to choose the fries. But if I was pregnant, wouldn’t I have to eat healthier food? I shuddered and then flattened my hands against my lower belly, pressing—

  What in the Hell was I doing? I yanked my hands away, making a face. Rolling my eyes, I turned back into the spray of water. What would we do? What could we do? Being pregnant couldn’t change anything. I would still be a Trueborn. I would still need to find Gabriel and whatever came after that.

  All of this was just banana pants to me, because I couldn’t even say if I wanted to be a mother, but I knew Zayne—he would make an amazing father to our...

  What in the holy handbasket would a child of a Trueborn and a Fallen even be? Would the human part of me even be passed on? Would the genetic flaw I carried that had caused retinitis pigmentosa rear its head? My stomach dipped with the possibilities.