by J. L. Beck
He wouldn’t just be mad if he found out. He would be devastated. I had no doubt in my mind that it would ruin their friendship, and the last thing I ever wanted to do to my dad.
I remembered Knox being the solid rock that my dad and I needed when my mother died, he’d been that constant being who’d always assured us things were going to be all right. I couldn’t ruin that because of some crush – perhaps it was time for me to move on.
No, it was definitely time for me to move on. The thought of it made me sicker to my stomach than I already was. So I felt grateful to still be bent over the toilet before a fresh wave of nausea hit me. I would get over this flu, then I would tell him things had to stop between us.
He wouldn’t fire me over it – would he?
Maybe. But it would be worth it, as long as it kept my father from finding out what we’d been doing the past two months.
It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. I would do anything to make sure it wasn’t true. But there would be no arguing with the results I held in my hand. One pink line means negative, two pink lines means positive. And right now, there were two glaring pink lines staring back at me on the pregnancy test.
How was it possible? I’d done so well with my birth control. Sure, there were a couple of days when I didn’t take it on time, but I never missed a day completely. I had heard it was best to set an alarm to make sure I didn’t forget, but I never really worried about getting pregnant before. After all, it was like almost a hundred percent effective – how would I possibly be one of the girls who fell into the minority?
But there was no arguing with the test in my hand – or the fact I would have to tell Knox. I was going to have to tell my dad too. The thought of this made me cringe. I felt almost sickened by the thought of this part even more than the morning sickness that was continuing to linger, though it wasn’t as bad now. I managed to cover most of it to keep my dad from realizing it had become pretty consistent in the mornings, and he didn’t seem to notice a thing.
I myself, hadn’t even realized it until it suddenly dawned on me how I was starting a new pack of pills and I hadn’t bled yet. It wasn’t at all unusual for me to be late with my period, even though the pill was supposed to make it regular, but it had never been this as late – and now I knew why. I hadn’t wanted to say anything to Knox – not yet anyway. It wasn’t until I’d gone to the gas station on the corner of the street on my way home and bought a couple of these tests that I even knew for sure.
I wanted to believe the first one was lying. After all, it could be possible to get false positives. I had myself virtually convinced it was until I took this second one a couple of days later, and now, there would be no denying the two pink lines running down the center circle.
At first, I panicked. This would change everything in my life, and the truth was – I didn’t want anything to change. I hadn’t even had the chance to tell Knox that I wanted to stop sleeping with him, and now I was going to have his baby. My thoughts were spinning through my mind faster than I was able to keep up with them, and I wasn’t sure what I needed to do.
What if Knox got mad? What if he thought I did this on purpose? I hadn’t ever told him I loved him – at least I hadn’t said so since he and I had become physically involved – suppose he were to think I’d done this to trap him with me forever?
Suppose he were to make me get an abortion? I didn’t want to have a child anymore than he did, but at the same time, I refused to go through with anything like that – I had to have this baby, even if I ended up giving it up for adoption as soon as it was born.
Either way, my father would find out. There was simply no hiding it from him at this point – sure, I could cover it for a while, but how could I cover a baby bump when I was nine months along? How would I get myself to the hospital when it came time to give birth? It just wasn’t possible.
I cringed at the thought of how he would treat Knox – and I felt like it was all my fault. If only I’d been more careful with the birth control, none of this would have happened. I had shaking fingers when I picked up my phone, then I suddenly realized this was something way too important to tell him on the phone.
I needed to go down there and talk to him face to face.
“Are you sure you’re well enough?” Daddy asked me when I told him I was headed to work.
I nodded. “It’s just the stomach flu, I can handle it. You’ve told me more than once that Thompkins work for themselves, and that’s what I’m going to do.” I wanted to sound brave and proud, and I could see he was pleased with me.
“Don’t push yourself too hard. If you start to feel sick again, there’s no shame in coming back home,” he said.
I grabbed my car keys. “Got it.” I didn’t wait to have any more of a conversation with him. The truth was, I already felt dizzy again, and I didn’t want him to see it. I wasn’t sure if I should be driving either, but I didn’t feel like I had any choice. I wasn’t about to tell Knox at my house, and there was no other way to get to him. Either I would tell him on the phone, or I was going to have to push through this and tell him face to face.
As difficult as it would be, I was going to go with the latter.
“Hey! Good to see you – I didn’t think you were going to come in today,” Knox said as I walked into his office.
“I know, I’ve been out nearly a week already, can you believe it?” I said.
Knox laughed. “You know, it feels like a lot longer than that. You really bring a lot to this office, and I have to say I really missed you since the first day you were gone.” He winked at me.
I felt myself blush. I thought it would be easy, but as soon as we were together, I could feel all my love for him come rushing back, and I knew there was no way I could just break it off with him. Ending our relationship would have to be mutual, something we both agreed on.
And perhaps this event would be the deciding factor for us.
“I needed to talk to you,” I said.
“About what? Go for it,” Knox replied with a smile. He shoved all the work he had on his desk to the side and crossed his hands, resting his elbows on the table.
This habit something I’d teased him about in the past – telling him it was one of the most unprofessional things he could do, and I knew that was why he did it now.
“I’m afraid you’re going to be mad at me,” I began.
He looked at me with concern in his eyes. “You aren’t quitting, are you?” he asked.
I could hear the worry in his voice. It made my heart leap with gladness to know he would be upset if I did, but at the same time, I also wished it was something as simple as that. I shook my head and forced a smile. “Not exactly,” I replied with hesitation in my voice.
He relaxed, and I felt another pang run through me, knowing this attitude would be very short lived.
“What is it? You know you can tell me anything,” he prompted with a gentle smile.
I knew the smile well. I’d seen it so many times in the past when he’d been the only person, I could turn to with my problems. But this wasn’t like those problems. This was something much bigger, and something that would change his life, too.
“Go on.” He gave me a deliberate nod.
I took a deep breath, unable to keep it in any longer. He would find out one way or another, and I felt the best thing to do would be to just say it and let whatever happens, happen. “I’m pregnant,” I said.
I just know Daddy is going to be so mad at me – so mad at us!” I wailed. The door was closed and I did my best to keep my voice down, but I felt terrified the others in the office would be able to hear every word I said. Knox had given me a box of tissues, and I don’t know if it was the hormones or the fact he didn’t get mad at me, but I started crying – which quickly turned to sobs.
My shoulders shook and my nose was running as freely as my tear ducts, and I found it impossible to get the words out I wanted to say without fresh sobs wracking through my body. I tried to keep c
ontrol over myself, but I felt like with each sentence I tried to say, I lost all control to the emotions running through me.
Knox had risen from his chair and was now walking back and forth in front of the window. He had his hands clasped behind his back, and I thought he almost looked like a detective trying to get the answers.
“I thought you were on the pill?” he asked.
I nodded. “I was really good about taking it. I know that it’s not perfectly effective all the time, but I was still really good about it,” I sobbed.
“I know you were, honey, I don’t doubt that for a second. I’m just trying to figure out what happened. I mean, I’ve never had any kind of pregnancy scare in my life. I didn’t even think that I could have kids – especially at my age and how long me and…” his voice trailed off and he gave me a look.
I knew he had caught himself for a reason.
There was a time when he and his wife had tried to have a child of their own. They had discussed it openly with my father more than once, how they were going to be great parents, that they wanted to have both a boy and a girl and they were doing everything they could to have one. I remembered feeling jealous at the time, but now, the words hurt even more. The last thing I wanted to hear right now was that he had been having sex with someone else. I didn’t care if it was his own wife and if it was before he and I got together.
Fresh tears began running down my cheeks and I grabbed another tissue. I could see the compassion in his face as he walked over to me and knelt down.
“Listen, I know that this is all very scary right now, but I want you to know that it is all going to be okay. Come on, there have been millions of other babies born in the world, and many of them to parents who were surprised by them – just because we weren’t planning on this doesn’t mean it’s not going to work out.” He smiled reassuringly as he patted my hand.
I did my best to dry my eyes. I had to admit, I felt surprised by his answer. This had been the last thing I thought he would say to me in this situation. “You mean that you – you want to keep it?” I sobbed, not even trying to hide my smile.
“I’m not saying that this is going to be easy – in fact, it’s going to be very hard for both of us, but yes, I want to keep it, of course I do!” He patted my hand.
I smiled. I couldn’t help myself – I threw my arms around his neck and held him close, and I was happy to feel the strength of his arms around me as well. Suddenly, I felt like everything would be all right, no matter how hard it was going to be.
He was right – after all, there really were many babies born out there who were surprises. I knew several of my own friends in high school had gotten pregnant – but they were at a disadvantage. They’d gotten knocked up by boys in the school – the father of my child was one of the richest men in the country, he would take care of me and the baby both. Maybe even get me a nanny for some help with the baby when I was feeling really tired.
Like now.
“I have to tell Daddy,” I said. The thought of it still filled me with dread, but I knew I would have to come clean about the situation to him now. I couldn’t hide this from him, no matter how much it hurt.
“No, no, no! I don’t know if right now, is the best time to do that,” Knox said.
I stared at him in surprise. I didn’t expect to hear the passion – or the worry – in his voice, and it caught me off guard. He seemed almost anxious that I was going to tell my father.
After all, if this was all going to be just fine and work out, then shouldn’t we be ready to tell the world? “Why not?” I asked, looking at him with raised eyebrows. He recovered, and I could see he was doing his best to act natural. Something about his behavior suddenly made me nervous, as though he might change his mind about this whole thing and leave me in the dark. He appeared to be doing his best to force a charming smile and I waited for an explanation.
“I think you are under enough stress as it is right now, and I don’t want to add anymore. You know that your father loves you more than anything in the world, and I don’t want the two of you to be at each other’s throats when you’re in this condition. There’s going to be plenty of time to tell him – and better situations.” He smiled.
I stared at him. “What do you mean?” I asked, crossing my arms. I still felt worried he would back out on me, and I would have to figure this out on my own.
Knox put his hand over mine once more and gazed into my eyes. “I mean, I would like to be there with you when you tell your father. There is no need to put this all on you alone, and I don’t want you to have to go through that. Your father isn’t going to be happy about this situation, we already know that, but I can be there to help you through it, I really can.”
Slowly, a smile spread across my own face. I knew he was right. It sounded so sensible and it would be a hard thing to tell my dad. “You promise?”
He nodded. “Of course, I promise. I told you years ago that you are one of my bestest friends, and nothing is going to change that.” He winked at me.
I felt myself blush. He had told me this when I was very young, and though here I was, now an expectant mother and an adult woman, I still liked hearing the words.
“You know, I’ve been thinking, though,” he said with a smile. “Since we don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant anymore, we may as well have as much fun as we want.”
I gave him a sly grin, feeling happy and I was feeling better myself. I rose from my chair and glanced at the door, making sure it was locked. I began unbuttoning the front of my shirt as I turned my attention back to him. “Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing,” I replied.
I thought everything would be a lot easier for me after I talked to Knox and he agreed that we would work together through the problem. But each day, became a new struggle. I wanted to tell my father, but at the same time, I trusted that Knox knew what he was talking about when he said we should wait and do it together.
After I told him I was pregnant, I knew I needed to make a point of getting up and going to work – the last thing I wanted was for my dad to wonder why I suddenly took a lot of time off, and to make matters worse, why Knox really didn’t care about it. After all, even being best friends, he wouldn’t tolerate such a thing from any employee – just like my father, he believed in hard work and earning the paycheck, even if he did spoil me with tips and extra things.
The only thing I felt good about was my father clearly had no idea anything was going on. Even with the way I acted tense around him and maybe even behaved strangely – he didn’t seem to even notice. Perhaps he was passing it off as hormones, perhaps he thought of it as me becoming the woman I wanted to be. My dad had always been very understanding about such things, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he thought this way.
Although I wanted to believe everything was going to be just fine, I did find being pregnant made me a lot more sensitive to the things going on around me. Just like the first day, when I’d experienced morning sickness. Things were far more irritating than they ever had been in the past, and I found I analyzed everything Knox said or did far more than I used to.
There were times when I could agree I was being too sensitive, or I was overthinking the things I assumed might be going on, but then there were times when I had to admit he really was acting differently than before. I tried not to think about it too much at first, but when I walked into his office, I noticed he was quick to end a conversation on the phone – and it almost sounded as though he brushed the person off on the other end.
Of course, I tried not to give it anymore thought than necessary, but I couldn’t help but let it bother me. I reasoned with myself how we weren’t in an official relationship, so it wasn’t really my business who he was speaking with. Then again, it was very strange of him to be using his cell phone when he was at work – often. I noticed he really only had that out at work when he’d asked me to do something for him.
He appeared to be agitated, so I lingered. “Is everything ok
ay?” I asked.
Knox kept walking back and forth in front of the window – something I learned he did when he was feeling frustrated with something in his life. He paused for a moment, as though he was trying to decide if he should tell me or not, then he simply shook his head. “Everything is fine. You know how it is with this business. Sometimes you end up with real divas.” He laughed at his own joke.
I cocked my head to the side. It would be a rare thing for him to have to deal with any of the clients directly, and most of the people we did sign on were rising stars. His billions didn’t come from the quality of the singers he signed, but rather the quantity and I knew it. For someone to be acting like a diva and still have access to his phone, they would have to be really good – or already know him.
“Let me know if there is anything I can do. You know that my bark isn’t nearly so bad as my bite,” I said as I watched him carefully.
He laughed once more, but I thought that he laughed a little too hard – and perhaps a little too long – at my joke. I liked to believe that I knew Knox very well – and he was certainly acting strange.
“Of course I will – but I think you are doing enough already. You know you have to be careful with the baby – or have you even been to the doctor yet?” He stared at me with a concerned look on his face.
I gave him a confused stare in return. He had given me the afternoon off just the day before to go to the doctor for my third visit – in fact, if something hadn’t come up at the last second, he would’ve gone with me.
“If you remember, I went yesterday – everything is fine. Are you sure, you’re okay? You’re acting weird,” I said. I raised my eyebrows at him as I spoke, hoping my look would be enough for him to come clean about how he was feeling.
But no, he just put his hand on the back of his neck and gave me the same smile he always gave me when he didn’t want me to pursue a topic with him. “Meagan, you have always been good at reading people, haven’t you? Well, now is the time when you are just going to have to trust me when I tell you that I’m just fine, and I really don’t want to talk about anything.” He gave me another look I’d never seen before – but this one wasn’t full of the lust he usually had when he stared at me. This one almost had a warning flavor to it—almost as though he was warning me to leave the topic alone before I got too deep into it.