He would not stop for hours and hours. Or perhaps it was days. Not until she begged.
"When you have learned to behave, the blindfold shall be removed, he said to her afterward. That was what she hated the most, the hateful sound of his calm, deep voice and the hateful feel of him lying beside her, his fingers idly caressing her when he was spent.
"You needn’t wear it when I’m not here, he said. But when I am, you shall learn how to tie it on yourself, because you shall never see my face. Do you think me a monster?
"Yes, my lord, she said.
"Very good. Do you want to see my face?
"No, my lord.
"Should you forget yourself and try to see my face, the punishment shall be swift and more painful that you can bear. Do you understand?
"Yes, my lord.
"For you, I have no face. I shall never have a face.
"Yes, my lord.
"You are utterly at my mercy. Nothing interests me but my desire, and I answer to no one. You are quite alone. You are mine.
"Yes, my lord.
"This is your world, he told her. Your hands are placed where I choose to place them. Whenever I choose to place them. I rule this kingdom where the laws are mine and mine alone, and you are my faithful slave. There is nothing at all to restrain me.
He forced himself inside her, so relentless that she screamed.
"I want you to scream, he said. You are nothing. Nothing but mine.
And on and on and on it went.
He wasn’t there for what seemed much longer than usual. Nothing was different; they fed her and cleaned her. She lay in the dark, dozing. She couldn’t think. There was nothing to think about except him and what he had already done to her. What he wanted to do. It was easier not to think. Every time she woke, she was afraid that he would be lying next to her, his breath hot on her neck. Now she was afraid no one would ever come back for her at all.
Until she woke with a sudden start, with him on top of her.
"Did you miss me? He asked when he was through, lying sprawled on top of her so she could barely breathe.
"No, my lord.
"Ever the virgin, he said with laugh. Who are you?
"I am yours, my lord.
"Why are you here?
"To do your bidding, my lord.
"What shall you do ?
"Whatever you desire, my lord.
"Do you hate me?
"Yes, my lord.
"Excellent. Now you shall have another reason to hate me.
He moved away and she heard him pick something up off the small table by the bed, then unscrew the lid off a jar. Then he was back, rubbing a cream into her. It stung a little, and smelled faintly of cinnamon.
"It should start to work its magic in a moment, he said.
"What, my lord?
"It’s a present, he said. A surprise. Wait, and you ‘ll see.
In a few minutes, she felt as if she were ablaze. It wasn’t that she itched, exactly, but there was a leaden fullness and a growing unbearable ache that demanded to be touched wherever he had placed the cream. The unbearable ache would go away only if she touched it. Without realizing it, she tried to rub her legs together. Anything to satisfy the fullness, that dreadful ache. She had to touch it.
"What do you think you’re doing? I forbid you to move, he said.
"What have you done to me, my lord? She whispered.
"A special potion, he replied. You’ve earned it.
He got up and pulled on the length of chains attached to her wrists so that her arms were pulled over her head. Then he tied something around each ankle and attached them to the bedpost. She was spread-eagled, open and vulnerable and aching unbearably.
His fingers were moving up her thighs.
"Do you want me to touch you? He asked. Do you?
She wanted to say no, not ever, you bastard, I’ll never want you, except to want to see you dead. But the words wouldn’t come.
"Yes, my lord, she said instead.
"Where do you want me to touch you?
"You tricked me"
He slapped the inside of her thighs, hard. They stung terribly, but she barely felt them, she ached so.
"I didn’t ask for your opinion. Answer me, he said.
"Please. She was being driven mad by the ache. It was spreading out from inside her, it seemed into every nerve. It was seeping into her very pores. Please, my lord.
He tricked her again. He was tricking her into liking it. Into wanting him.
"Bad girl, he said. He was crouching over her, and pinched her nipples, hard. Then he rubbed some of the cream on them, and placed something cold and excruciatingly tight on them, so they stayed hard. Nearly instantly they started to ache, too. She was desperate to stop the maddening itch.
"Where do you want me? He said.
"There, where you"
"You want me there?
"Yes.
"Yes, what.
"Yes, my lord.
"You want me to touch you. Really, do you?
"Yes, my lord.
"You want me to take you? His voice was thick.
"Anything. Anything, my lord. She was being driven mad. He got off the bed.
"Come back, she said. Come back, my lord. She couldn’t help herself. He had to do something. Anything.
He was laughing at her.
"You want me to come back, the man you hate, he said. The man who kidnapped you, drugged you, raped you, tortured you. Who shall continue to rape you and torture you at his leisure. How delightful.
"You tricked me, oh please"
"But you want me now.
Her body has gone mad, every nerve on fire. In some small part of her that was still sane she knew it was whatever was in the cream he rubbed on her that made her say those words. That she still hated him and would never want him, never want him to come back to her, never ever, not till the day she died
"Who are you?
"I am yours, my lord. Yours yours yours.
His hands were on her, stroking her thighs, inching closer.
"Please oh please oh"
When he touched her, she nearly swooned. She had never felt such pleasure in her life, not such physical release, waves and waves of it as he kept touching her. She had no idea a body could feel like that.
When he pulled back, she moaned.
"No, come back, my lord, she said.
"My, my, he said. How quickly doth the lady change her mind. From a sniveling little virgin to a begging little slut. You astonish me. He sounded very pleased with himself as he untied her legs. Now you are going to fuck me properly, he said.
"My lord, come back, she said again. Some voice coming from inside her was begging. That small part of her that was still sane was appalled, but her body overruled it. She would truly go mad if he didn’t come closer. Before she knew what she was doing, her legs were wrapped around him and she was moving with him.
"This is how it shall be, he said to her, slowing her frenzy so she thought she would scream only if he didn’t touch her again, touch her that very instant.
"Soon you won’t need the cream to make you feel this way, he said. You’ll hear my voice, and that shall be sufficient.
He pulled himself out of her embrace.
"No, my lord. Don’t go, please, my lord.
"I want to hear you begging, he said, tugging on the nipple clamps. She was going to die from the waves of pleasure, the heat that had invaded her body.
"Please, my lord, she said, please oh please oh"
And on and on and on it went.
Except now he had her body enthralled to his. He knew it.
He went away. She didn’t know how long it was, but she begged him not to go. He soon came back, and as soon as she heard the sound of the lid being unscrewed from the little jar she was begging. She knew that was what he wanted. He made her beg. He made her"
[Note from Tomasino: Pages missing.]
"It shall be excruciatingly difficult to be without you
for several days, or perhaps longer, but I have business that cannot wait, he said with an exaggerated sigh. Fortunately, your value to me shall increase in my absence. No matter where I am or what I do, my thoughts shall be of my Doula waiting for me, and when I am with you again, I shall be very pleased to hear you beg.
He kissed her and left her in the dark. She fell asleep eventually, and when she woke, something had changed. She was lying in the dark, but the blindfold had been cut off. When her eyes adjusted to the light, she could see the outline of Hogarth sitting in a chair near the bed. The cuff on her left wrist was still attached to a long coiled chain fixed to a bedpost, but she could sit up and move around on the bed. She could cover herself with a silk robe she found near her pillows.
"Greetings, my dear, he said cheerfully. I must say you are looking splendid indeed.
"Go to hell, you bastard. You sadistic bastard.
"Ah, you delightful child. Haven’t lost your spirit, I see. You are making magnificent progress. Indeed, you are everything I’d hoped you’d be, and more. His Lordship is very pleased with his Doula, very pleased indeed.
He was smiling happily.
"He is not difficult to please, you see, Hogarth said. Not like some. His desire is like a tiger’s for prey"to possess, to own, to devour. Especially that which is forbidden. Naturally, you will always be forbidden, because you have been brought here against your will.
He picked up a book.
"Let me read something to you, Hogarth went on. I’m afraid it was not conceived by a Frenchman, comme d’habitude, but is quite apropos of the situation, nonetheless. Considering that it was written about two hundred years ago, by a certain Dr. Benjamin Rush. “From the day you marry you must have no will of your own,” the good doctor said. “The subordination of your sex to ours is enforced by nature, by reason, and by revelation.” Et cetera, et cetera… Let’s see … your husband “will often require unreasonable sacrifices of your will to his. If this should be the case, still honor and obey him. The happiest marriages I have known have been those when the subordination I have recommended has been most complete.” A man of considerable wisdom, this Dr. Rush, don’t you think? Some considered him the father of modern psychology.
"I’m not married, she said.
Hogarth snapped the book shut and stood up, brushing the creases of his jacket.
"If I were you, dear girl, I should tell myself that I have indeed been married, albeit in a most unusual manner. That I have been forced by my wicked family and unfortunate circumstances to marry a man I didn’t love, but I must submit because I have no other choice.
She did not know what to say.
"I think we should find you a ring. To bind this marriage. Yes, a splendid idea. I shall propose it to His Lordship. He is extremely generous, as you know. Hogarth walked around the bed, examining her with a critical eye. Then he looked at the watch he wore on a fine chain.
"Well, he said, I am afraid I must leave you temporarily. I shall be back to check on you as soon as possible, I promise. In the meantime, I shouldn’t worry about your cousin. June has long been informed that you are otherwise engaged, and she has sailed off to mummy and daddy, back to whatever godforsaken hole they live in. She has been gone quite some time, as a matter of fact. I should not be expecting a visit from your dearest June anytime in the foreseeable future.
Hogarth was gone. The room was empty and dark.
How long had she been here already? June, gone for quite some time. How long could it be?
No one knew where she was. No one in the world could help her. No one cared.
She thought she was going to go mad.
They unlocked the shutters and let her sit outside on a small terrace sheltered by high, smooth walls. The air was warm and it often rained, but she didn’t know what month it was or where she was or what was going to happen or"
Hogarth came back. He was sitting in the chair by the bed when she woke, fussing with the knot of his ascot.
"You need to move about, he said. We don’t want you getting weak or out of sorts.
She started to laugh hysterically.
"Since when are you worried about my health? she asked.
"I always worry about you, in my way, he replied, whether you believe it or not.
From then on, when His Lordship wasn’t there, they let her sit outside, or take walks after dark. She could see the hulking outline of the house, but they turned off all the lights so she was unable to see the shape of it clearly. There were paths on the grounds, snaking through woods. Hogarth walked with her, and someone else, behind them. She couldn’t tell who.
She couldn’t try to escape. She didn’t have the energy, or the will. It was chilly at night, and they were everywhere, she thought. Watching her from behind the trees, men in monk’s robes and masks, peering at her.
The room they kept her in was comfortable enough, and she was allowed to read. Sometimes Hogarth came and sat with her, reading.
"Here is a remarkable story, he said one day, looking up from the book he was holding, about a madam, one Theresa Berkley, who kept a house near Portland Place. She thought her girls were only as good as her tools. Hmmm. Too true. They kept the rods in water so as to remain green and supple. Chinese vases full of green nettles. Ox-hide straps studded with nails.
"You are hateful, Hogarth, she said.
"Her great invention, though, came in 1828, he went on, calm as ever. The Berkley horse, or chevalet, in the French. It was a sort of expanding padded ladder, adjustable to height, in which a willing client was tied so that his face projected through one part and his private parts through another. Whilst being whipped on his backside, one of Madame Berkley’s girls would pleasure him in front. I say, those Victorians were eminently shocking.
"Why are you telling me this? she asked. Is this going to be His Lordship’s newest toy?
"Only to expand your horizons, my dear child. So that you realize you are not the first to have succumbed to a realm of"how shall I put it?"fantasy.
"This is no fantasy, she said bitterly.
"The Marquis de Sade said that animals eat one another as we eat animals, Hogarth said, putting down his book and eyeing her carefully. That we human animals eat other animals without moral misgivings, because we consider the animals we do eat to be inferior to us; we rule them. Why then, the dear marquis reasoned, could not we humans use other humans for our own satisfaction, doing whatever we want to them? Is it not pure hypocrisy to pretend there is some absolute gap between human beings and cows?
"Is this some justification for what you’ve done to me? she asked.
"The dear marquis could have taught the world so much more, had he been able to exercise a tad more discipline upon his own nature, he went on, ignoring her. Unlike myself. Self-control makes the loss of control all the more pleasurable. Men are really very simple, you know. If you indulge them their desires, your value to them increases. Within reason, of course. He sighed happily. The marquis had the most splendid dungeons, in his château at Saumane. We have dungeons here, you know. I shudder to think of you in them. But that is indeed where you shall go should you not behave.
He stood up and left her without another word.
She came back from a walk and His Lordship was waiting for her, his back to the bed, so she was unable to see his features. They quickly tied her blindfold on, then picked her up, threw her down on the bed, and chained her arms. His Lordship was in a foul state, as if some pulsating energy were coursing through his veins, making him insatiable. She thought he would break her in two.
Afterward, he seemed calmer, and started talking.
"According to the rules of the Club, the price of our guests is one thousand pounds per week, he said. Which means I am allowed to keep you for nearly twenty years. Does the thought of that please you as much as it pleases me?
No no no, she wanted to scream, but she was afraid not to lie.
"Yes, my lord.
"When you are set free, you sha
ll have a splendid fortune waiting for you in the bank in Switzerland compounding interest, naturally. I can release you early, should I tire of you, but I see no reason to assume that should be so. Your training has just begun, of course, yet I am very pleased by your progress. Perhaps I shall return you to the world when you’ve earned me back the million pounds I was forced to pay to buy you.
"No one forced you, my lord, she murmured. She waited for him to hurt her, but he didn’t.
"Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, my sweet. You did. My desire was worth the money. Understand this. You, your body, has been given a price tag. There are already many, many men who’ve heard rumors of the girl who was worth one million pounds to a member of the Club. They will beg and beg and name their price to have a taste of her. So I must be very clever and figure how best to recoup my investment in your training while enjoying the maximum return. The fees they pay must go to you. Those are the rules. The other arrangements, though… His voice trailed off.
She stiffened in panic at the sound of his calm, deep voice. First Hogarth, now this. What was he saying"
"As your training continues, you will learn how to perform certain services, no matter how distasteful you may find them. You will become as habituated to them as you have become habituated to everything else thus far. You have no choice. You belong to me, and your life is not your own. I suggest you console yourself with the knowledge that you have been chosen, and that each time you submit might very well be nearing you to the last time.
He got up. She heard the door open and someone come in, putting some things on the table near the bed.
"You must be marked, he said. They must know it is you. Now lie still.
He sat down behind her and arranged her carefully, so her head was down near his lap and she could barely move. They were near the edge of the bed. He picked up her left hand and held her wrist tight. Someone else touched her ring finger gently, turning her hand over.
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