by Rachael Craw
Tension notches inside me. What does Miriam know? Does she see Knox’s death as an assassination rather than execution? She said nothing through Juno’s brief summation of her trial when we were still at the house. Cleared of all charges. Officially appointed as Chair of the Stray Initiative.
Juno blinks but keeps her face and voice remarkably steady. “It is the desire of the World Council to move in a much more progressive direction, with significant resources focused on finding Deactivation Pathways and moving towards sustainable Primary Objectives.”
“You mean the CIA found out Ethan was right and overruled the Affinity Project,” Miriam says.
Counsellor Thurston meets Miriam’s eyes and takes her off guard with a smile. “Yes.”
I don’t trust Juno. Not remotely. She’d sell her sister to Satan to get what she wants but there’s something to be said for her tenacity.
A door opens from one of the rooms lining the gym to our right, someone coming from the medical wing. I freeze on the spot, struck dumb. He freezes too, looking back at the door he came through as though considering ducking back inside. “Benjamin?”
Miriam grows rigid beside me. “What’s he doing here?”
My heart caves a little at the flinch in Benjamin’s eyes. He either heard her or read her lips from where he stands – there’s so much noise. She knows how the Proxy used him, how it broke him, how he helped me so I could save her, how he protected me from Knox.
“Agent Nelson was cleared. However, the Affinity Project did not think it tenable to keep him on at the compound. I requested he stay with the Stray Initiative.”
Miriam struggles to hide the conflict in her face. I don’t know whether to comfort her or Benjamin. Jamie fields the situation by going to Benjamin, clasping his shoulder saying, “It’s good to see you, man.”
“You’ve all been cleared,” Counsellor Thurston says. “On the condition that you work with the Stray Initiative.”
“Helena and Lane?” I say.
She nods. “Lane is one of our trainers and Helena moved here when we transferred your father.”
“What?” Miriam pales. “You transferred Ethan from the compound without notifying–” Her voice cuts out and she swallows. “Without notifying his daughter?”
“Without notifying you?” Juno says, her tone bland. “He’s perfectly stable. Helena oversaw the transfer. You forget, Miriam, there are no more secrets and you needn’t be ashamed of your Synergist bond with Ethan or your claim on his person. This is a safe place.”
Reeling from the news, I’m three steps behind before I tune into the implication behind Juno’s words.
“Oh?” Miriam snaps, her signal crackling with hostility. “So this is my carrot. Hand over my daughter and I get my–” Her voice cuts out again, unable to land on the right word.
“Your lover?” Juno offers matter-of-factly.
I blush.
Miriam looks like she might wrench Juno’s head from her shoulders. “Aren’t you the mastermind? You’ve got all your pawns lined up. When you said you had something to show us … You’re a piece of work, Thurston.”
“Miriam,” I murmur.
“Never mind, Evangeline. Coming from your mother who had us all fooled for eighteen years, I take it as a compliment.” Miriam draws herself up and Juno lifts her hands in a placatory gesture. “Forgive me, I didn’t set out to antagonise you.”
“Be Proxy here or we’ll force you to be Proxy there is not a choice,” Miriam says through her teeth.
Juno and I produce simultaneous sighs.
“Here is better than there,” I say, trying to make my voice steady. “Here it means something. Here it counts for something.”
“Nor would the procedure be as frequent or lengthy,” Counsellor Thurston says. “As much resource as the research department want or need will be given to finding another method of boosting telepathic reach. I’ve already said, there’ll be no ReProg, no forced Harvests. Evie can live at home between procedures. She can participate in field work.”
“She has a semester of school to make up for and she never completed Orientation.”
“She can return to school or we can supply tutors. She’ll have trainers here who would count it an honour to work with her. None of this,” she gestures at the complex, “is possible without Evie.”
“In the Isolation Tank.” Miriam’s voice shakes with the effort of containing her emotion. “What Ethan and I fought to keep her from – her whole life.”
I lower my head.
Miriam glowers.
Counsellor Thurston purses her lips. “Her Synergist link with Jamie will allow her an exceptionally rapid recovery.”
“Will it make drowning less painful? Will she not feel like she’s dying, every single time?”
“It’s my choice,” I say. “I’m eighteen.”
“Your father would be furious if he knew you were even considering it. He’d be furious with you, Juno, for suggesting it.”
“If I bring him back, we can find out.”
Miriam shifts to block my path and stare me down. “There is no way in hell your father would allow you in that tank to bring him out of stasis and he would murder me for letting you do it.”
I step around her and march towards the medical ward. Benjamin and Jamie turn, their expressions wary as Miriam stalks behind me. I give Benjamin a brief smile and squeeze his arm. His almond eyes meet mine, hesitant but warm. I push through the glass doors into the brightly lit laboratory. The static in the atmosphere indicates most of the staff with their curious expressions are civs. A familiar signal draws me between the long counters of equipment to adjoining rooms in the back. I turn to Miriam and Juno. “Give us a moment, please.”
They stop and both cross their arms.
I find Helena bent over a microscope, her hand hovering over a clipboard, pen poised.
“Lot of glass,” I say softly.
She snaps straight and spins to face me, her expression betraying only the faintest hint of supressed and complicated emotion. Surprise, fear, guilt, resentment, regret, but most of all hope. Throat-closing, harrowing hope that makes me ache to see it because it pokes at the same terrible hope in me. “I did warn them they might want to rethink that.”
I give her a shaky smile. “Fingers crossed, I can rein it in.”
“I believe in you, Evangeline,” she says with simple, unwavering sincerity. It hits me right in the gut, takes my air, pricks my eyes. I don’t know what to say – what I can say without blubbering? So, I don’t say anything. I stare at the curtain surrounding the bed beyond the glass wall before us.
“Is he stable?”
“Yes,” she releases a sigh. “No change.”
There’s no sign of him in the bandwidth and I catch her searching my face, looking for an indication that I’m sensing something. I give a small shake of my head. She straightens her shoulders.
“Helena …” I have no idea what to say to her. I’ve rehearsed my speech a thousand times and now I don’t know where to start. I know Jamie talked things through with her when he was strong enough on the recovery ward. I know she accepts what can’t be changed. Sensible, reasonable Helena. Always the grown-up. Always the pragmatist. She understands. She knows I did what I did to save Jamie’s life. She doesn’t hold it against me. He cried too, knowing she’s trapped now in a life she doesn’t want with nothing to stop her signal reaching full maturity. While we waited for our hearing, all my visits to Ethan’s bedside coincided with Helena’s breaks. My cowardice, not hers. “I owe you an apology.”
“No.”
“Please, let me say it.”
She gives me that aggravating grown-up’s look.
I grit my teeth. “I accused you of telling Knox about Jamie and me.”
Her eyebrows rise. “Understandably. I was desperate enough.”
“I know it wasn’t you.”
“It is a small matter.”
“I was jealous. I wanted you to be the bad g
uy.”
She wrinkles her brow, diminishing my crimes.
“I broke my promise to you.”
“You saved Jamie’s life.”
“By ruining yours.”
“My life is not ruined.”
“Well, it’s not exactly improved.”
“Stop, Evie. I am not interested in what is lost. I care only about what can be recovered.”
Almost the total inverse of the bleak words inked on Jamie’s biceps: What is wrong cannot be made right. What is lost cannot be recovered.
“That’s why I’m here.”
“That’s not decided,” Miriam says. She comes in behind me, Counsellor Thurston beside her.
“Can we see him?” I ask Helena, ignoring Miriam boring laser holes into the back of my head.
“Of course,” she says, leading us to the door. “It would be wonderful to have Miriam’s signal there to support him if he responds.”
Miriam doesn’t say anything but I can practically feel her tension vibrating in the atmosphere, her signal pulses with that heart-rending minor note.
Helena pulls back the curtain on one side, keeping Ethan hidden from the outer room but allowing us to draw close to the bed. I give up on my self-control and draw a shuddering breath, a small gasp, something like a cry or laugh.
Ethan lies propped in the bed, solid and warm and alive but missing from the bandwidth. His skin has kept its colour despite weeks indoors, there are no shadows beneath his dark lashes. His hair needs a trim and his beard is getting thick. He almost looks too big for the bed, broad chest strapped with bandages, muscles bulging. He looks like a sleeping bear. “Der Bär,” I say, glancing at Helena who’s moved to the other side of the bed. Then I feel bad. It’s her name for him, not mine. I don’t want to tread on her toes. But she meets my eye with a flickering smile and a small nod of her head.
“If you wish to attempt signal therapy to reach your father the World Council will count it as confirmation of your acceptance of their offer,” Juno says.
“No,” Miriam says. “We’ll wait for an opening with a pre-existing Proxy.”
“There are none available.”
“I don’t buy that for a second.”
I touch her arm. “I want to do it.”
“They’re ransoming your father’s life to force you into compliance,” Miriam snaps.
“It’s an incentive,” Counsellor Thurston says.
“It’s manipulation!” Miriam thrusts her hand at Ethan’s unconscious body, the tube in his throat. “It’s coercion. A threat. It’s typical goddamn Affinity.”
“She’s his only chance of recovery, Miriam,” Counsellor Thurston says.
Miriam squares her shoulders. “I could put you through that wall, Juno.”
“You could try,” Counsellor Thurston mutters. Miriam takes a step towards her but I catch her arm.
Helena raises her hands. “Can we not fight over his bed?”
Counsellor Thurston immediately looks ashamed of letting her professionalism slip. She straightens her spine and lifts her chin. “The Stray Initiative is your father’s work, Evangeline. He might not want you to perform the duties of a Proxy but he believes in everything that we are aspiring to. We can do this without him but a man of his vision could accomplish a great deal for change. For good.”
“Nice speech,” Miriam says. “Want to hear mine?”
“Miriam,” I hiss.
Counsellor Thurston focuses on me. “It’s your choice and we will support your decision.”
“You think you can drag me out of here and lock me up somewhere quiet until it’s done?” Miriam says.
“Ethan is your Synergist,” Counsellor Thurston says. “You’re not willing to sacrifice–”
“His child?” Miriam’s voice fills the room, echoing out into the lab, drawing concerned attention. “Our daughter? Call me old-fashioned, but I thought it was the parents’ job to protect the child!”
“I saved you,” I say quietly. “I survived. Do you regret me making the effort?”
“Yes!” Her face goes red, her eyes spilling tears. “Yes, I regret that you were willing to kill yourself to try to save me.”
“What?” My voice doubles in volume. “You wish I left you to die?”
“Yes!” She shakes as she speaks, then closes her eyes. “No. I wish for you not to be drowned. I wish you wouldn’t risk your life. I wish this wasn’t a choice. This is not what we wanted for you.”
We stare at each other, eyes locked. “You’d lay your life down for me in a heartbeat.”
“I’m your mother.”
I give her a small smile. “Clearly.”
She doesn’t soften, her eyes filled with love and fear and rage and longing.
“Wouldn’t Ethan lay his life down for me?” My eyes flick to Helena, straining to hold back her tears. “For his daughters?”
“That is not the point.”
“You don’t own the rights on sacrifice, Mom.”
She fixes her hands to her hips and works her mouth and drips tears without making a sound. “He wouldn’t let you do this.”
“He can’t stop me and neither can you. If he’s pissed about it when he wakes up then you can help me smooth it over.”
She shakes her head.
I turn to Counsellor Thurston. “Let’s do this.”
She gives me a fierce approving look. “Helena, can you prep the Actuation Room and the Isolation Tank?”
Helena doesn’t appear able to speak. She nods and gives me a look of profound gratitude before opening the curtain on the other side of Ethan’s bed. Through the next wall I glimpse their modified Actuation Room. The tank lies horizontally, already gleaming with saline. I try not think about how it looks like a coffin and move to block Miriam’s view. “I want you to see someone.”
She frowns at me.
I slip my hand inside Ethan’s warm palm and squeeze before turning back to Counsellor Thurston. “Where do I find Gabriel?”
* * *
It’s loud out in the gym but I can make out Miriam grumbling beside me. Counsellor Thurston remains in the lab, giving us space. Benjamin and Jamie move further down the concourse leaving us to observe the men on the sparring mats alone. I know Jamie will have heard everything that went down in Ethan’s room. I saw the simmering concern in his eyes. I’m not looking forward to the conversation we’ll have before I get in the tank but I’m also confident he’ll respect what I’m doing, what I have to do, what I need to do. Hard as it is, I believe Juno’s right, what’s happening here changes everything and I want to be a part of it.
I recognise Lane and agent Stevens with another civ and the young man named Gabriel, the Initiative’s first Striker. I point him out to Miriam, heart in my throat as Lane leads him through an impressive drill. Reflex training. Gabriel’s quick, strong, attentive, serious. I’m struck again by his dark hair, pale skin and hazel eyes. I wonder if Miriam sees the similarities too.
“I know what you’re doing and it doesn’t make me feel better.”
I keep my voice low, beneath the sound of the concrete mixer, electric saws and nail guns echoing through the compound. “He does look like him.”
She shivers. “I don’t need you to convince me that what’s happening here is important, that it’s good or worthwhile or whatever. I know that. I get it. It won’t ever make up for my kid being the one who has to provide the juice to make it all run.”
“It won’t be like that forever.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Ethan will find another way. Helena. They have a whole team on it.”
“Or it will stay like this and in two or three years your hair will have lost its colour and your eyes will be silver and …”
“He’ll find another way.”
“He might not wake up.”
“He will.”
She takes my arm, her eyes imploring. “You don’t know that.”
“You’ll be there. Jamie will be there; he�
��ll lend me his signal. It’s better odds than you had.”
She looks at me like it’s the last time she’ll get the chance. “I don’t want you to do it.”
“I know.”
Her eyes glisten. She swallows then blows through her lips. “I hate everything.”
CERTAINTY
The saline is lukewarm and the sensation stomach curdling as I lower myself into the tank. I grip the sides and strain the fabric of the bio-film across my chest with a deep giddy-making breath. It’s crazy how I’ve taken it for granted for eighteen years, the relationship between my lungs and oxygen. Why haven’t I marvelled every day at the mechanics of my respiratory system?
Jamie stands beside me, already shirtless in a spare pair of medical scrubs, ready for skin-to-skin contact post-procedure. I cringe at all the vomiting he’ll witness and hope like hell I won’t lose control of my bowels. He rubs his hand over the back of my shoulders. I glance through the glass wall to Ethan’s bed where Helena has placed the small headset over Ethan’s temples. It connects to a long black tube which runs to a steel tank set beneath the floor, which I am grateful not to see. In it, the Symbiosis and the Actuator, filtering the connection from the Isolation Tank to Ethan’s headset.
The glass walls to the lab have been made opaque at the flick of a switch, giving us total privacy. Only Helena will be with us. Once I’m under she’ll join Miriam beside Ethan’s bed. Each of them will hold one of his hands and concentrate on opening themselves to the bandwidth. Jamie will remain with me throughout the submergence, lending me his signal. Helena has set the Symbiosis for a twenty-minute cycle, after which she’ll bring me out of the tank and pump the saline from my lungs. I won’t die. Then we’ll wait and hope and pray for something.
“For the record,” Jamie says, quietly for my ears, “I’m really not okay with this.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want you to do it.”
I nod.
“I agree with your mother.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. He kisses my temple, stays there and breathes in my scent. “But … I believe in you and I trust you. You can do this. You’ll find him, bring him back, and I’ll be waiting for you.”