by Hutton, CM
“Uh huh…..” Her eyes were shut.
“I feel like I was sending mixed signals and that was not my intention.” She moaned a response and my penis answered….not good!
“Jen, I have a lot to tell you and I’m not sure how to do it. I want to tell you things I haven’t told anyone for five years, but I’m scared. You make me feel like….well, I feel alive again around you. I know you don’t understand, but please just know that I’m not playing games.”
She didn’t moan or respond. She snored….and I smiled. I stood up, looked around and figured out where her bedroom was. I scooped her up into my arms and walked toward her room. I couldn’t help but to kiss her forehead several times as we walked, especially since she burrowed in closer to me when I did.
I laid her down on her bed, tucked her in and leaned down for one more kiss on her head when she suddenly wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled my lips down to hers. That first soft touch of her lips sent a shock wave through my entire body. She whispered, “Ry….” as her lips brushed mine and I gasped. She pulled me closer and slipped her tongue into my mouth. I was lost in that beautiful girl.
I cupped her face in my hands and caressed her mouth with mine. She tasted like pure bliss, so I let her tongue fully explore my mouth and tried not to completely ravage her. I wanted to crawl on top of her and just feel her entire body against mine, but she was drunk and I wasn’t ready.
At least I didn’t pull away from being kissed like I’d done with past girls, so that was progress, I assumed. Jen ran her fingers through my hair and gripped me tighter. “God, Ry….you taste so good.”
“Jen….oh, God. Not sure I can handle all this. You’re just so….” She grinned and ravished my mouth once again.
“Lay with me, please,” Jen whispered between kisses.
“I thought I was only allowed on the couch?” I moaned with a grin.
She opened her eyes and said, “We can make-out fully clothed right here on my bed, then you can sleep on the couch.” Shit.
I paused, studying her then decided I’d join her. She wrapped her body around mine and we fell into each other, kissing and touching for hours. I don’t know what time we drifted off to sleep, but I do know we were fully clothed and completely contented wrapped around each other.
And, I slept better than I had in over five years.
Chapter 11 – Jen
I woke up to something warm draped across my body and really heavy. It was still sort of dark out, but I could tell the sun was rising. I had a sudden urge of panic when I realized it was a person’s arm on me. I sat my head up and saw that I was fully clothed and so was the stranger next to me. I couldn’t see his face, but within several long seconds, I realized it was Rylan Daniels.
Events came rushing back to me in a huge wave. The dancing, the anger, the late night make-out session. Shit! This could get awkward. Did I beg him to make-out with me in my bed?
I slipped out from under his arm and went into the bathroom. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed into some yoga pants and tank top. When I opened the bathroom door, Rylan was awake and sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Hi,” he said with a cute little guilty grin. It made my whole body relax.
“Yeah, hi there. Um, crazy night, huh?”
“Do you remember much?” His voice was soft and raspy…a little unsure.
“Yes. It all came flooding back to me when I woke up and saw you here in my bed. I think I might owe you an apology. I’m pretty sure I forced you to make-out with me on my bed.” I had a sheepish wince on my face.
Rylan laughed and said, “Well, I may have started it. I carried you to your room….only to put you in your bed alone, but couldn’t stop myself from kissing your forehead a few times. It might…have…stirred up….something.” His face was just adorable. He was actually really embarrassed.
I smiled and said, “Well, it was nice, from what I remember.” I paused then stuck out my hand, sort of tossed my head toward the door and said, “Come on….let’s make some breakfast.”
Rylan stood up and took my hand, but stopped me from moving. “Thanks for not making me feel like a total perverted jerk, Jen. I’m really not that guy.”
I looked right in his eyes and surveyed his face. “Yeah, I think I know that now, Ry.” I saw him stiffen just a bit when I said his name. I cocked my head a bit and said, “What?”
“Nothing. It’s just that nickname…..Ry….it…..I haven’t heard anyone call me that in a long time. It’s just a little shocking.”
“Oh, sorry. I won’t use it again if you don’t want me to.” I didn’t want him uncomfortable.
“No! Please…I like it. It’s just been a while…but I like it when you say it.”
“Okay. Are you sure?” His face still looked a little sad.
“Yes, Jen. I’m sure. Now, I need two things from you….your cell phone number and some breakfast.” He smiled wide and a little piece of my heart attached itself to Rylan Daniels.
I laughed and swiped his phone from his hand and typed in my number. “There. And, breakfast is coming up.”
Rylan sat at the bar and watched as I made eggs, bacon, bagels and coffee. He offered to help, but I wanted to keep myself busy and Rylan at a safe distance. I found myself stealing a few glances every now and then as I was cooking.
“Jen? I can cook, you know. I’d be happy to help.” Rylan cooking? That brought up all kinds of nice visions in my head. Rylan in an apron…yum! Wait, what? Well, crap. This totally sexy mess of a guy was really starting to grow on me.
“No. It’s fine, Ry…uh, Rylan. I got this!” I smirked at him as he sat on the barstool and sipped his coffee.
I was sort of lost in a little daydream and didn’t hear him move from his stool. I was grabbing a bagel from the toaster when I felt his body lean slightly into the back of mine. I startled and turned my head to see him smile. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I was talking to you, but I guess you didn’t hear me. I was saying your eggs needed to be stirred.” He was so close to me that I felt a little freaked out.
“Uh, yeah. I was just…um….thinking about things.” I tried to ignore the voice in my head telling me to walk away, but instead I turned around to where our chests were nearly touching, reached up to cup his face and pulled his lips down to mine. I just wanted one more kiss.
But he flinched and at went ridgid my touch, causing me to let out a small gasp and pull back.
“I’m sorry, Ry…Rylan. I shouldn’t have…..” I was choking on my words as the embarrassment of the moment took over.
“No. It’s okay…..I’d better go. I need to go home and check on Butch.” He backed away and grabbed his keys off the edge of the bar.
“What about breakfast?” I didn’t really want him to leave, but at the same time, I needed him to go. It only made me feel worse when he turned to look at me and I could see the panic dripping off him as he bolted for the door.
“Yeah, thank you. But, I need to go. I’ll call you later.” I’d never seen a man move so fast! Well, maybe that time in college when that asshole Emily set me up with turned out to be as gay as they come and ran like a freakin’ wild animal when we started to ‘make-out.’ The thought had a small grin creeping up my face, but the memory vaporized as soon as I heard my front door slam shut with Rylan running away on the other side.
“Well, sent another man running for the hills, ole girl! Typical!” Yep, I said it out loud just to prove it to be real. I shook my head and walk over to get another cup of coffee. I didn’t have the time or energy to invest in figuring out what was happening between Rylan and me. He obviously stayed to make himself feel better about the shitty night we’d had. And I apparently was too dense or hungover to realize it.
I ate just a little breakfast; my stomach still a little queasy with all the drinking from the night before. It had nothing to do with my regrettable make-out session or subsequent abandonment surrounding Rylan, I was sure.
Truth w
as I felt like a total loser. It was me who let him into my house and told him he could stay the night. It was me who pulled him into my bed to make-out and let him sleep there wrapped around his body. It was me whose drunk-ass brain did a whole lot of stupid shit the last few years that turned out to be destructive to my well-being. And, it was me who liked him and tried to kiss him when he clearly didn’t want it.
I crawled back into my bed and just laid there. I could still smell his cologne on my pillow and like a high school girl I wrapped my arms around it and inhaled his scent. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about him.
My phone rang, startling me. I jumped up to answer it, hopeful it was him, but saw that it was Emily and my heart sank as I answered.
Chapter 12 – Rylan
Oh, God! I just ran out on her. What the hell was wrong with me? Jen was being pretty amazing, considering all the emotions surrounding the last twenty four hours. I mean, making breakfast for us; for me just felt so right, but it scared the hell out of me. I just split. I couldn’t do it. So when it sounded like she had other things to do, I took advantage of it and ran away like a coward. I didn’t even bother to stay and eat a bite of the breakfast she made. What a fucking pansy!
If I were honest with myself, I’d say that I had feelings for this amazing woman, but the whole thought of ‘feeling’ anything for anyone had me a little sick. Even after five years without Kristen, I still didn’t know if I was ready open up and share a significant part of myself with someone.
By the time the cab dropped me off at my house, I felt desperate and completely out of sorts. I wanted to race back over to Jen’s and just talk to her. I had so much I needed to say, but didn’t know to how share my life with her. She didn’t deserve the burden of my past, but God help me, I couldn’t stop thinking about her…wanting her.
I called her phone, not really knowing what to say, but it went to her voicemail. Hearing her voice made me smile, but I decided not to leave a message since I really didn’t know what to say. After several minutes of pacing my kitchen floor, I decided to text her; thanking God I’d thought to get her number.
Rylan:
Hi. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t
have left this morning. Can we talk?
I sucked! I had nothing to explain my life, my actions, my attitude….my feelings. I just hoped she would except my apology and call me.
I went for a long run, but couldn’t help checking my phone every five minutes. Mile after mile, I could still taste her kisses and feel her body next to mine and it was driving me fucking mad. She had a hold on me and it felt good for the first time in years. I just had to find a way not to fuck it all up and the only way that was going to happen, was if I told her the truth.
I ran back to my house at a little faster pace, hoping to shower quickly and go over to Jen’s to talk to her. I wasn’t sure what I would say, but I wanted to spend some more time with her. She never answered my text and didn’t try to call back. It was complete silence….for hours and I hated myself more and more as the minutes ticked by.
She needed to understand me and what all my hang-ups were, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it. She was so self-assured and confident and I was a mess of emotion, loaded with an enormous amount of baggage.
All I could do now was push all the crap aside, drive to her condo and beg her to see me.
Chapter 13 – Jen
“Jen, you knew he was cold and distant. Why the hell did you let him up last night and get involved with the guy? I mean, shit girl! Are you just a glutton for fucked up men or what?!?”
“Thanks, Em! That’s exactly what I needed to hear! Good, God…..you don’t have to be such a fucking bitch to me! I’m already kicking myself as it is.” I was practically sobbing with regret. “I have to go! I can’t talk to you right now.” I hung up before Emily could say another word.
I turned my phone to silent and buried my head in my pillow. I wanted to just sleep the day away and forget about everything.
I wasn’t sure how long I had laid on my bed, but at some point in the late afternoon, I heard my door buzz. I was sure it was Emily. She never liked to leave things unsettled between us. I decided not to answer. I didn’t even want to see my best friend. My day was nothing but shit and I just wanted to wallow in it.
After several attempts to get my attention, the perp went away and I was thankful. I crawled out of bed to go to the bathroom and my phone fell on the floor. The screen flashed for a second and I saw four missed texts and several missed calls.
Rylan had called and texted me. I wanted to look, but didn’t. I knew what both would say….’sorry I bailed on you this morning…..blah, blah, blah…..excuse, excuse, excuse…..’
No thanks! My humiliation tank was completely full and I couldn’t take anymore.
The other calls and texts were Em, of course. She could just suck it for now. I didn’t want any of her shit either, so I turned my phone completely off as I left the bathroom and made my way to the kitchen for water.
Still in my pajamas, I curled up on the couch and dropped in a movie. I needed a little Markie Mark therapy.
I felt uneasy about something, but couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was the unanswered calls and door banging. I felt like someone was almost lurking nearby, so after about an hour of trying to watch my movie, I went to the door and looked out the peephole. I saw nothing, but my radar was tuned in to something going on. I slowly opened the door and found Rylan sitting on the steps of my flat with his head in his hands.
“Rylan? What the hell? Do you always just show up at girl’s houses?” He just looked at me and stood up.
“Jen.” He moved closer to me, but didn’t touch me. “I thought you weren’t home. I knocked and rang your bell for a long time. I was just…..waiting for you to come home. Can I come in? Please.”
I felt awful. It wasn’t Emily who came by, but Rylan. And, he had been sitting here for at least an hour. I took a deep breath and said, “Sure. Come on in.” I paused and looked back at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer the door. I thought it was someone else.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t deserve for you to answer.” He stopped moving and said, “But, please tell me it wasn’t Jack that you thought was at your door.”
I let out a sort of laugh. “No. I thought it was Emily.”
We walked into my condo and I went to the kitchen for some water. “Can I get you something, Rylan?” I was sure to use his full name.
“No, thank you.” As I was making my way to the couch, Rylan followed and said, “I need to explain some things, Jen.”
“No, Rylan, you don’t! I don’t want to talk about what happened earlier. Let’s just forget about it…okay? I just want to forget it.”
He stiffened a bit, but said, “Okay, Jen.” We sat in silence for a while, just staring at each other. Finally I said, “Want to finish watching this movie with me?”
Rylan let out a little laugh, but turned toward the TV and said, “Sure. What’s on?”
“Oh, you’re in for a treat! It’s my one true love….Mark Walberg. The movie doesn’t really matter as long as he takes off his shirt at least once.” With that, Rylan started belly laughing and my heart squeezed at the sight. He was beautiful.
“Don’t laugh. He’s yummy!”
“Oh, Jen! You are just what I need. Thank you for making me laugh. I needed that.” I smirked at him and stuck out my tongue. At that moment, I decided that maybe Rylan was going to be my friend….a beautiful, complicated friend that I would probably never understand, but a friend nonetheless. I mean, who would have come back here after such a disastrous morning just to talk to me?!?
I stood from the couch and said, “Popcorn?”
“Yeah, sure. But, Jen?”
“Yeah?”
He hesitated. “Can we start over….well, start from after last night. I don’t want to ever forget last night.” He smiled a sweet, gentle smile that had me hopeful that things would be okay.
“I�
�d like that, Rylan…..very much.” I turned and ran into the kitchen to get the popcorn.
When I returned, Rylan was on the opposite end of the couch instead of the side chair. I sat at my end and put the popcorn between us. He just smiled and reached for a handful of salty goodness.
I smiled back and settled into my spot, pushed ‘play’ and let the movie fill the silence. It was really nice having him with me, which caused me to have a little trouble concentrating on the movie. A few times our hands would reach into the bowl at the same time and we would both freeze and stare at each other.
Finally, Rylan reached for the remote, paused the movie and said, “Okay…enough is enough…. I think you want to touch me as much as I want to touch you. Can we just sit a little closer and get this over with?”
“Wow…don’t sound so thrilled!”
“No…that’s not what….shit! I didn’t mean it like that.” He was running his hands through his hair in frustration.
I touched his arm and he stilled, looking at me. “I know. I’m just kidding, Rylan.” I grinned and pulled his arm to move him toward me. He sighed, moved the popcorn bowl out of the way and slowly maneuvered us so that he was laying behind me. I turned the movie back on and we laid there on my couch, my back to his front and watched. I had no idea what was going on in the movie. All I could concentrate on was the feel of him next to me.
At some point, Rylan draped his arm across my midsection and I intertwined our fingers. He didn’t move any part of his body except his thumb, which gently rubbed across my hand. It felt amazing.
I thought I heard him inhale the scent of my hair, but I wasn’t sure. I know I felt him pull me a little closer to him right in the middle of a big action scene and I melded against his body.
When the movie was about to come to an end, I felt panic rise up in me. I didn’t want to move and I certainly didn’t want him to move.
As the credits rolled, I felt his grip tighten, so I turned my head to said, “Want to watch another movie or do you need to go?” He just looked at me for several long seconds like he was thinking about what to say.