by Hutton, CM
“First of all, I am happy to hear you are doing okay and trying to move on with life. But, Rylan, are you sure you want me to do this? Are you sure Mia isn’t right?” He knew my whole family and knew what Kristen and I had gone through. While I respected Ben a great deal, I just wanted him and everyone else to shut the fuck up and do what I asked.
“Yes. Look. If I don’t find her and at least try to figure this whole thing out, how will I know anything, man?”
Ben looked at me and said, “Yep, I agree. I just needed to hear you say it. Let me do some digging and I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I sighed. “Thank you, Ben. I knew you were the guy to call.”
He stood and shook my hand. “You bet. I’m on it, Rylan.”
When he left, I felt better about everything. If I could just get her back here to me and talk about things, we would be okay I was sure….well, almost sure.
That night, I had another nightmare about Kristen. She was begging me not to leave her. I woke up drenched in sweat. Jesus….I couldn’t handle dreaming about her in the middle of all this stuff with Jen.
I decided to drive to the one place I hadn’t been in a while. It was four o’clock in the morning, but it didn’t matter.
I parked and walked the rest of the way along grassy knolls and concrete pillars. I bent down and looked at her name. I felt sick with grief as all we had gone through came rushing back to me.
I knelt down. “Hi, baby.” The tears began to flow.
“I’m sorry. I should have come last week. Forgive me.” I felt the guilt rise up in my gut and I lowered my head and sobbed. I didn’t know what to say or do, so I sat, head down and just started talking to my wife.
“Baby, I met someone and I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do. Mia says she looks just like you, but I didn’t see it until now. I don’t want to hurt her.” I looked up to the sky and let the tears stream down my cheeks. “And, I don’t want to hurt anymore, baby. I don’t want to be alone here anymore.”
“What do I do, baby? Tell me, please. Do I let her go and keep mourning you and what could have been or do I take a chance and see what she might mean to me?” Just saying the words, made my whole body shake. I was afraid of either answer.
“Would you hate me forever, babe? I couldn’t live knowing you were disappointed or hated me. Please tell me what to do?” I sat at her grave for hours just praying I would get some kind of sign.
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Mia behind me. “I thought you might be here.”
“How did you know? And, what the hell are you doing here at…” I looked at my watch. “…..Five o’clock in the morning?”
“I went to your house and you weren’t home, so I actually came out here to talk to her. When I drove up and saw your car, I just smiled. I had a feeling you might be here.”
“What do I do, Mia? I prayed and asked Kristen but….nothing. I don’t feel anything other than confusion.”
“You know, Ry? That’s why I’m here. I had to find you because I dreamed about Kristen tonight. And, I know it sounds strange, but I swear to you, she was trying to tell me something and she was telling me come here…and find you.”
Mia paused and when I looked at her, she had tears running down her face. “She was smiling and watching you…you and Jen. She was happy that you found someone to love. She wants you to live, babe.”
I didn’t know what to say. We were both crying and I wrapped Mia up in my arms as we sat at her grave silently mourn the life she could have had.
Mia spoke first. “I was wrong to say anything to Jen. I should have let you live your life without any of my hang-ups or judgments. Forgive me, Ry. I just want you to be happy and from what I saw with you and Jen, you really like her, don’t you?”
“I do and I swear to you, I never saw Kristen in her, Mia. NEVER! She was always just Jen to me. She might look like her, but I never saw it until you said something. That must say something, right?”
“Yeah, babe. I think it does.” She hugged me and helped lift me from Kristen’s grave, but not before we both gently touched her headstone and whispered ‘I love you’ to our girl.
As we were about to walk away, Mia let go of me and knelt in front of Kristen’s grave and said, “I miss you so much. I’m holding up my end as best I can and taking care of him. I need you to let him go, hun, and give him room to be happy. We will always love you and will never forget you. But, it is time to let him go.” She kissed her hand and then placed it on Kristen’s headstone and I couldn’t help my tears.
She stood and wrapped her arms around me as we walked out of the cemetery. “Thank you for always taking care of me, Mia.” My words were a whisper.
“You’re so very welcome, Ry. I love you, brother.” I squeezed her tight as we made our way to our cars. “Now, let’s go find that wonderful girl and talk to her. She loves you, Ry. I can tell.”
I didn’t say anything. “Do you know where she is, Ry?”
“No one knows. Even her best friends don’t know. She just took off and didn’t tell anyone where she was going. I need to find her, Mia.”
“I know, Ry. What can I do?”
“Not sure. I have someone looking into it, but not sure he will be able to track her down.”
“Have you tried calling her lately?”
“No. She hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts so I think she just wants to be left alone for now and I’m trying like hell to give her the space.”
“Just trust me when I say that she really doesn’t want to be left alone. She wants to hear and feel that you love her for her. Try harder, Ry. Find her, babe.” Mia hugged me and got in her rental car and drove away.
I stood there for a long time just thinking about my life. I didn’t want to be sad anymore. I wanted to live and to have a life with Jen. I had to find her.
I drove home and collapsed on my bed with Butch curled next to me. “Well, ole boy….we need to find our girl, huh? I just hope I’m not too late.”
Chapter 25 – Jen
I woke up with what felt like a bit of a hangover. It wasn’t from drinking though. I was exhausted and had a terrible headache. I had only had one drink on the beach the day before so I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I stayed in bed most of the day trying to shake the awful churning in my gut and the intense pain in my side.
I finally felt bad enough to text the one person on the planet that cared more about himself than anyone else….Jack.
I’d been gone now for two weeks and over the course of the last week or so, Jack had been my only communication to my life on the mainland. He was an arrogant prick of a man and I was a stubborn mule of a woman, so we actually were pretty compatible friends. We had pretty much discussed all there was to know about each other during my hide-away and it was really good. We mostly texted, but I usually took a phone call from him in the evenings after he left the office and we’d talk about nonsense crap.
I told him all about the stuff with Rylan and he was actually incredibly empathetic. He said no one at the company knew about what he had gone through with Kristen and had he known, he would have been nicer to him. “Shit, girl. That has to be some really heavy stuff to deal with. No wonder you ran. A little time and space never hurts.” I appreciated his friendship. I was very grateful to know this ‘Jack.’
So, when I called him while he was at the office that morning instead of texting, he sounded a little panicked. “What’s wrong, girlie? Why the call instead of text?” I could hear shuffling and a few voices in the background like he was on the move. I was hoping he wasn’t in a meeting, but was in so much pain that I didn’t really give a shit.
I started crying. “Jack…I need help.”
“Sweet girl, tell me where you are right fucking now! I’ll come get you. And what the hell is wrong?” I still hadn’t told him or anyone where I was hiding/vacationing.
“Jack, I don’t feel good. Something’s wrong. Please come get me.” I w
as still sobbing as the pain ripped through me and I screamed into the phone. I heard him gasp and then mumble something.
“Tell me where you are, sweetie. I’ll come get you.” He was trying to be calm.
“Fiji. I’m in Fiji. Hurry, Jack. I…” I stopped talking as the pain rushed over my body.
I heard Jack say ‘fucking hell’ then “Jen, baby. I’m on my way. What hotel are you in? Where exactly are you, babe?”
I tried to tell him, but my head started to swim and my vision was spotty. “Jack….hurry…please.” Black.
I heard voices calling my name. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn’t. I felt light as air, like I was floating. Then, sharp horrendous pain stabbing at my side and my stomach turn over. I screamed…at least I think it was me who screamed. I felt someone squeeze my body and lean down to whisper in my ear. “I’m here sweet girl. I’m here. Don’t worry.” Jack.
Jack came to help me. He was here to help me. Black consumed me again.
The next time my mind could register anything was when I heard a series of beeping noises. They were so fast. I heard a few people talking, but couldn’t make out who it was. I thought I lifted my arm to show everyone I was listening, but no one said anything to me or even touched me. I felt sad and could swear I was crying out loud, but still no one responded to me. Maybe I was dying or dead. But why was I in pain if I was dead?
I tried to move again. I heard what sounded like fighting…something like “back the fuck off, man.” I couldn’t be sure. But, I think I started to cry more then I heard, “Shh. Rest, sweet girl. We’re all here. Rest. Everything is okay.” I heard the whisper in my ear and slipped back into my darkness again.
The next time I woke up or thought I woke up, I could have sworn I heard Emily talking. I think I smiled and tried to reach out to her, but something was holding my hand down. I barely opened my eyes and saw an arm draped across my arm. Whose arm was that?
“Em” My voice was gruff and didn’t sound like me at all.
“Shit! Jen? Can you hear me baby? Please wake up.” Rylan? Why was he here?
“Rylan?” I heard him gasp then say, “go get the doctor.”
“Yes, baby. I’m here. Open your eyes, baby. Please.”
I thought my eyes were open. I strained to move, but felt my whole body ache. I moaned and cried out.
“Shit! Why is she still in so much pain?” I heard Rylan ask, but didn’t hear the answer.
“Jen, baby. Open your eyes and look at me please.”
“Ry. I’m trying.” I heard lots of laughs.
“Same stubborn woman, I see.” Now that was Jack. Wow, Jack and Rylan in the same room with me. Bazaar.
I suddenly felt lots of poking and prodding around my body. I was like a limp noodle being tossed around. I moaned and screamed out more than once. Why was I so sore?
“Miss Bailey? Can you open your eyes for me?” Huh?
I slowly opened my eyes to a really nice site. There was a tall dark headed doctor looking me over, shining a light into my eyes and checking out all kinds of crap attached to my arms.
“Welcome back. How do you feel?”
“Like someone beat the crap out of me,” I forced out.
“Yeah, that’s about what I figured you would say. You’re lucky to be alive, Miss Bailey. Your appendix ruptured in a foreign country and had your friend Jack not gotten to you when he did, you wouldn’t be here to greet all these anxious faces. You have been in a semi coma for more than a week as the toxins worked through your body. I imagine you are sore from the emergency surgeries that were performed to save your life.”
“Okay,” was all I could say. I looked around the room and saw everyone that meant the world to me…except Rylan. I could have sworn I heard his voice….that he was talking to me. I felt the tears spring into my eyes. He wasn’t here. He didn’t care.
“Miss Bailey. Talk to me. Are you in pain?” The doctor was asking me, but he didn’t understand the kind of pain I was in.
“Only a little,” I answered. What a fucking lie. “I’m okay, doc.”
“Well, I’ll give you just a small dose of pain killer. I don’t want you to go back to sleep for a while.” He turned and walked out of the room. Emily came to my side and tried to hug me.
“Don’t you ever do that to me again! The next time you think about leaving on some stupid fucking pity vacation, you WILL tell me where you are going. Got it?” Tears were streaming down her face.
“Got it.” I looked around. “Em, was he here?”
“Rylan? Yeah, he was here, Jen. But, as soon as the doctor came in, he left. I don’t know why. He just walked out, babe. I’m sorry.”
I tried to smile. “It’s okay. I’m okay. He has his own demons to deal with. I don’t want to be one of them.” Emily just nodded. She knew I was about to lose it.
Jack stepped forward. “Jack. Thank you for coming to find me. You saved me.” I had tears running down my face, but it was more for my sadness over Rylan than my near death experience….although I really was happy to see Jack.
He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Anytime, girl. Really. But, I died a thousand deaths when I found you in Fiji. Please don’t do that to me again. Promise?”
“Promise.” I smiled and reached for his hand. I didn’t say anything else and neither did he. He understood what I was feeling. His sad smile told me that he knew I wasn’t okay…not emotionally for sure.
“Okay, you sad bunch of saps. Let’s let our girl get some rest.” Cale. I forgot he was standing there watching me.
“Cale.” I smiled and he leaned down and kissed my cheek the whispered, “We love you, babe. Don’t forget that.” He stood up and said, “See you in the morning.”
“Okay.” I whispered.
As everyone filed out, Jack lingered a bit then picked up my hand and kissed the back of it. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what is in his head, but I’m here if you need to talk, Jen. Get some rest and call if you need me.”
As he turned to leave he said, “Thank you for trusting me to save you. It meant the world to me to know you trusted me that much. Night, sweet friend.”
I blew him a kiss then closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 26 – Rylan
The pain I felt when Jack came into my office to say he was going to get Jen was excruciating. She was in Fiji, he told me and now needed his help because something was wrong. She was ill and had called him to rescue her. He only told me because he needed the company jet.
“Rylan, you may hate me right now, but I’m the only person she is talking to after the hell of a realization she was forced to come to a few weeks ago. I’m not blaming you, just stating the facts, man….I mean, shit….I hate how I’ve treated both of you so just please, let me take the jet to get our girl. There is something seriously wrong with her and I’m freaking out.”
I immediately picked up the phone and had the plane ready for Jack within the hour. It made me sick that he was going to get her and not me, but there was nothing I could do about it. She called him, not me.
“Jack. Take care of her, please.”
“I will. And, Rylan? She did love you, man. Probably still does. I hope you guys work it out.”
My jaw nearly hit the floor at Jack’s statement. First of all, she had talked to him about us…and about Kristen. And, secondly, she told Jack that she loved me? What the hell?
I called Emily, then Mia and told them what I knew. Emily freaked out of course and yelled at me for letting Jack take the jet to pick her up, then started sobbing. Cale had to take the phone and apologized for Emily before saying, “I hope you work things out man, but I’ll say this….if you can’t love her for who she is, then leave her the fuck alone. She’s been through enough in her life.”
He hung up and I just sat there rubbing my head. I didn’t really care about any crap these people were spouting at me. What I cared about was that my girl was hurting and alone in Fiji and Douchebag Jack was the hero going
to get her.
I paced my office until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was keeping track of the jet through company people that knew how to do that shit, so I knew when they were about to land. Jack phoned from the plane and asked for me to have an ambulance waiting or even life flight waiting when they landed. I nearly collapsed.
What the hell was wrong with her? I needed to get to her. I left the office and drove as fast as I could to the hospital.
When I arrived at the hospital, people were frantic. I heard, ‘Toxic…near death….may not make it….emergency surgery.’ Flashbacks of Kristen’s last days flooded my mind. I wasn’t sure I could handle another lost love.
Emily came up behind me and hugged me. “Don’t you worry about Jen. She’s as stubborn as they come. Come on. Let’s get some coffee.” She had tears in her eyes, but was trying to comfort me.
I smiled and let her lead me away. By the time Jen was out of surgery, I had been in the waiting room for ten hours. The nurses were just about sick of me checking on Jen every twenty minutes. At one point, they even started hiding from me…well, I was pretty sure they were hiding.
I was exhausted. When Jen was finally in recovery and doing okay, my pulse slowed enough for me to take a deep breath. I wanted to see her, but didn’t push. I let Emily and Cale go in first. Jack was there, but stayed quiet most of the night. He looked as rough as I did and I wondered what he really encountered when he found her. I’m sure it scared him to death. He kept disappearing for long stints while Jen was in surgery and I was thankful.
I peeked in to see Jen after Emily had left her. She was so beautiful. That was the first time I’d really looked at her since the night at the club. She did look a lot like Kristen…..physically, but she was not Kristen. She was Jen and I could see the clear differences and loved her for her. Yes, I said love. I was in love with Jen. I just didn’t know what I was going to do about it.
Thing went from okay to horrible within a few hours. Jen wouldn’t wake up after surgery. She slipped into a coma and doctors were frantically trying to pull her out.