Not Your Average Princesses

by Erin Downing

  “What’s it to you?” the princess called back. Skitter snuffed at the dirt on the hillside, then began pawing at the ground like a miniature bull. She—like her master—was always ready for a fight.

  “I’m here to lead you to safety,” the man said, his voice just loud enough to reach her.

  Junoia snorted. The guy—now she could see that the creature was male, and he appeared to be very old—looked capable of leading no one to safety. Leading someone to a tea party, maybe. But to safety? Not a chance. He looked so frail that Junoia was shocked he hadn’t yet been blown away by the wind blasting along the cliff’s edge. “You want to lead me to safety?” she asked. “Safety from what, exactly?”

  “Empress Geela, Your Highness,” the man told her. “My name is Chamberlin, and I am the senior butler on the planet of Athenia.”

  Junoia put her hands on her slim, athletic hips. “If you’re a butler on Athenia, what in the name of Grock are you doing here on Junoia? I hate to break it to you, but a guy like you doesn’t really belong up here on the cliffs. A rough gust could blow you away like spacegrass.”

  “I will explain everything in time, Your Highness, but for now, allow me to lead you to safety. It is my solemn duty.”

  The princess tried not to laugh. “Okay, you do that.”

  She watched, amused, as Chamberlin scanned the rugged landscape of her beloved home planet. If he were hoping a lighted path would appear out of the mist to show him the way to safety, he was going to be sorely disappointed. Maybe that’s the sort of thing that happened on other planets in her galaxy, but not here. On Junoia you had to make your own path. “I thought…” the butler muttered. “I thought I’d come from that way, but no … ah … where was that landing bay?”

  Chamberlin rubbed his chin. Junoia choked back a laugh. She stuffed her hands in her pockets and cocked her head. “Lost, are you? Who’s supposed to be saving whom here?”

  Princess Junoia had heard just enough about the princesses on the other planets of the Pentangle to be certain that she was the least princess-like of them all. They were all probably made of nothing but big hair and fancy gowns and snobby voices—unlike her family, who were super laid back and knew how to laugh and have fun like regular people. And they could also save themselves. They didn’t need a butler to hold their hands when the going got rough.

  If she had sensed any threat at all from Chamberlin, Junoia wouldn’t have hesitated to leave the old guy stranded in the mist. But the royal butler seemed like a decent enough fellow. And from what she could tell, he truly did seem to believe she was in some sort of danger. “C’mon,” she said, waving him in the direction of the capitol. “Let me lead you back to the palace.”

  “No!” Chamberlin said in an urgent voice. “We mustn’t return to your home. Empress Geela is waiting for you there. I promised your parents I would lead you to safety—away from Junoia. Beyond this galaxy, even.”

  Junoia narrowed her eyes at him. “My parents told you to take care of me? You must think I’m a fool. I’ve been capable of taking care of myself since I was ten. They would never ask a crusty old butler to feed me and wash my clothes.”

  “They did not ask me to do any of those things, miss,” Chamberlin said curtly. “As the oldest servant in the royal court of the Pentangle, I have been entrusted with your life and the lives of four other princesses. This task is a sacred duty, and I have sworn to fulfill it at any cost.”

  The booming sounds started up again. The tiny hairs on the back of Junoia’s neck stood tall. “Geela is … the Empress?” she asked. “And she’s here on my planet? Really?” The princess glared at him. But Chamberlin didn’t need to say any more—she believed him. She could sense the danger. “I need to go back to help my family,” she insisted. “All the palace staff … and my people.”

  “It’s too late,” Chamberlin said. “Your family is long gone. She took your parents, and they are now her prisoners. The servants have been dismissed. And the ordinary citizens of Junoia are not the ones she has come for—she can control them in other ways. Today, she’s come for you. You must leave now, before she finds you. Or me.”

  Without another word, Princess Junoia jumped into action. She grabbed Chamberlin by the arm and raced along the cliff’s edge. The wind blasted her from all sides, but Junoia didn’t stop. Skitter kept pace beside them, and Chamberlin stumbled along as quickly as he could. Suddenly, Junoia came to an abrupt stop.

  Chamberlin wiped his brow and took deep breaths to recover. But the princess paused for only a moment, then she scrambled off the edge of the cliff. Rocks broke off the rough wall, bumping and thumping down to the sea below. “This way,” Junoia ordered, urging Chamberlin to follow her.

  “Oh no,” the elderly butler said firmly. He planted his feet on solid ground and refused to budge. “I don’t do climbing. As the great author, uh, once said: ‘Foolish is a man who steps on unsteady rock.’”

  “Come on,” Princess Junoia said. “That’s not a real saying. You just made it up.”

  “Ah, but it is a real saying,” Chamberlin argued. The drone of Android ships buzzed over the forest—Geela’s army would reach them at any moment.

  “Well, then, today you’ll have to be foolish.” Junoia grabbed Chamberlin’s arm and pulled him over the edge of the cliff. He stumbled, grasping for a handhold. “Don’t worry,” she told him, smiling grimly. “We’re not going all the way down to the sea. Just a few feet down, there’s a tunnel that will lead us to the other side of the woods. We can skirt around Geela’s troops and get out of here.”

  “Wonderful…” Chamberlin muttered. Climbing along a cliff’s edge, then crawling through a tunnel? Chamberlin was beginning to realize his new job was filled with perks. He grunted and heaved himself into the seemingly endless tunnel, trying to keep up with the princess. Under his breath he sighed, “I am far too old for this nonsense.”

  RHEA

  Beep beep! The shrill horn of a space cab echoed off the smooth stone wall surrounding Rhealo’s royal palace. Several single-alien transports replied with beeps and honks of their own. Two spaceports nearly knocked into each other before spiraling off to opposite sides of the narrow space-traffic lane.

  “Watch it, pal,” Princess Rhealetta Hemmings said, gracefully sidestepping the slow-moving traffic. She pounded the door of a space cab that nearly knocked into her and shot the two-headed driver a look that could kill. The driver made a rude gesture, obviously unaware that he had almost wounded royalty. “What’s your rush?” she snapped, her blue eyes flashing. “The spaceway is totally jammed!”

  Geela’s Android army had really messed up traffic in the center of Rhealo’s capitol. When the evil empress and her crew of awful henchmen arrived on the planet to take the king and queen prisoner, the aftermath of their visit had left SR-8 at a standstill. The only option for getting out of town was public transportation—the space bus and transit shuttle lanes were the only things moving.

  When an old butler named Chamberlin had appeared in the princess’s chambers less than an hour earlier to tell her she had to get out of town—and off her planet for a while—she hadn’t believed him at first. She thought the servants in the palace were playing some sort of prank on her, sending this strange and stiff guy to freak her out. But after a few minutes of banter, she’d realized the old man was totally serious.

  She’d listened intently as Chamberlin told her that the king and queen—who weren’t her parents, but related by ancient blood—had already been captured, and she was next on Geela’s hit list. The princess had to scoot, he said, and fast. Cloaked in a ratty old blue cape that was almost the exact color of her smooth skin, the princess had barely managed to hide her pet Springle and slip out a side door of the palace unnoticed just five minutes earlier. Now, she, Springle, and Chamberlin had to get off the planet before Geela caught up to them.

  Since Chamberlin clearly didn’t know his way around Rhealo, Princess Rhealetta had come up with the only escape plan she could
think of. She was going to hijack a space bus, disguise herself as the driver, and blast out of town. It wasn’t brilliant, but it was something.

  “What about that one over there?” Rhealetta asked Chamberlin, pointing to a rusted space bus that had stalled in the public transport lane. The driver was fiddling with some wiring on the side of the vehicle, so the captain’s pod was empty and open.

  “I don’t know that I approve of this plan,” Chamberlin said, stalling. “I would prefer we take one of the palace’s approved vehicles. It is paramount that I keep you safe, Princess.”

  “I don’t know that we have a choice at the moment,” Rhealetta said, smiling. “We need to get off the planet, right? Traffic is at a standstill in the single-vehicle lanes. So we can either sit here waiting for things to clear up—which would make it pretty easy for Geela to swoop in and grab us—or we can nab a bus, have some fun, and get out of here.” Springle shivered and chirped to express her agreement.

  “When you put it that way…” Chamberlin said, nervously.

  “When I put it that way, you feel great about stealing a bus, yes?” Rhealetta tilted her head under the heavy blue cloak and grinned. Springle bounced along beside them, her pink and blue body bouncing through the traffic. “This is gonna be fun!”

  Chamberlin shook his head. After spending the morning with Princesses Lunaria, Junoia, and now Rhealetta, he was fairly certain he had made a big mistake when he agreed to take on this mission. Ushering the princesses to safety was of great importance to their galaxy, of course, but he had expected the mission to be much more straightforward than it was proving to be.

  Rhealetta dashed across four lanes of crawling traffic, hopping and skipping toward the stalled bus. Chamberlin stumbled along after her, muttering hasty apologies and yelping every time he came too close to floating cars or space pods.

  Without pausing, the princess leaped into the cab of the space bus and pressed the start button. The rambling motor roared to life, and outside the bus the driver shouted a surprised, “Oy!”

  Rhealetta stuck her arm out the transport’s front window and waved. She called, “Looks like she’s fixed. If you don’t mind me taking her for a joy ride, I’d be grateful for the lift. The people of our planet—and I—will thank you for your service someday.” Without waiting for an answer, Princess Rhealetta revved the engine.

  Chamberlin leaped into the bus and fumbled around in his pocket for the right fare. “Chamberlin, my man,” Rhealetta said as she put the bus in gear and blasted away from the palace, “put your money away. This ride is on me.”

  Chamberlin sunk into a plastic bus seat and closed his eyes. “Would you like me to drive, Your Highness?” he offered, already knowing what the answer would be.

  “Not a chance,” Rhealetta said, swerving to miss a shuttle that had slowed to collect passengers. “This beats gaming—big time.” She raced the stolen bus down the public transport lane. But after they’d gone only a few blocks, the bus wheezed and slowed to a crawl. Rhealetta slammed her hand against the wheel, frowning. “It’s broken.”

  Springle wildly punched at the control panel, knocking off buttons and knobs with each swipe of her paws. Rhealetta’s pet loved to try to help—but usually just caused trouble when she got involved in the princess’s projects.

  “Not broken,” Chamberlin said, peering over her shoulder at the control panel. “It looks like this bus is programmed to pick up passengers at regular intervals along the route. We have no choice but to stop and collect a few fares.”

  The bus slowed, then stopped. The door of the transit sighed open, and a line of impatient passengers flooded into the bus. One by one, they dropped tokens, cards, and credits into the payment console. None of the passengers looked at their driver closely enough to realize it was the princess in the captain’s pod. Rhealetta held her hand over her mouth, hiding a laugh. She hadn’t left the palace without being recognized for years! Hiding among the people of her planet was so exciting.

  Behind her, Chamberlin drummed his fingers together, muttering, “Hurry up, hurry up.”

  Princess Rhealetta turned around and whispered, “Chill, Chamberlin. We’ll get out of here eventually—safe and sound. You can trust me.” She winked at him. “What’s your rush, anyway? You got a free ride, so quit your moaning! If we have to escape, let’s at least have some fun.”

  HERA

  “Ommm … ommmm…” Princess Herazanna Appleby lifted her face to the setting sun, took in a cleansing breath, then let it back out. She stretched her slender, sun-kissed pink arms up to the sky, waving at a small blue butterfly that floated past. “Hello, little butterfly!” she chirped.

  It had been a beautiful day. The princess loved nothing more than having the opportunity to express gratitude for happy days with meditation and yoga. Beside her, Herazanna’s feisty pink pet—Roxie—made soft little chittering sounds as she rolled around and around merrily in the soft grass.

  As soon as she had finished her yoga practice, the princess ran through the fields that surrounded her family’s palace, gathering up handfuls of daisies and sun buttons. She wove the white and red flowers together into a wreath and placed it atop her head. She would give it to her mom when she returned to the palace. The colors would look lovely in her golden hair. After making a tiny wreath for Roxie to wear, the princess blew handfuls of kisses toward the sky and skipped through the fields back toward home.

  But before she could reach the palace gates, the landscape around her went black. Some sort of shadow blotted out the sun overhead. Herazanna scratched her head. Just moments ago, the sky had been clear. The usually pink sky of Heralda had been awash in golden-teal streaks as the sun set on the horizon. There were no clouds in sight.

  The princess looked up at her family’s beautiful castle, searching for her mother’s familiar silhouette in the window of the library. She wasn’t there. That was strange. Her mother spent most afternoons in the library, reading fairy tales and looking out over the orchards.

  “Maybe she’s making a pie!” Herazanna guessed. She hoped she was right. Her mother’s pies were extraordinary. Shrugging off the strange and sudden darkness, the carefree princess hustled toward the castle. If she hurried, she might get to the kitchens in time to help sprinkle sugar and cinnamon over the crust! That was the best part.

  But before she reached the castle’s front gate, a hand reached out from under a willow tree and pulled the princess into the canopied space beneath the branches.

  “Hello!” Herazanna said, smiling at the stranger. On the planet of Heralda, most people were friendly and trustworthy, and there was almost no reason to worry about strangers who approached. Herazanna had found that when you greeted people with kindness and an open heart, they usually responded in a similar fashion. Besides, Roxie had already sniffed around the stranger’s ankles and deemed him safe (by delicately chewing and snipping at the bottom of the man’s pants leg), so the princess felt totally at ease.

  The older fellow nodded politely and introduced himself. “Princess Herazanna, my name is Chamberlin.”

  “It’s lovely to meet you, Chamberlin!” Herazanna said, curtsying. “Are you here for pie?”

  “Pie? Ah … no.” Then the man called Chamberlin launched into an explanation of why he was visiting the princess’s home planet. He had come to help her, he said. The evil Empress Geela was on Heralda, and she had horrible things planned.

  At the beginning of Chamberlin’s story, the princess smiled and nodded, but when he told her that her parents had been taken prisoner, her bright smile faded. He finished by saying, “Your parents—and the other royal families of the Pentangle—have entrusted me with your care. We must go now, or Geela will find you, too. She is here.” He gestured to the sky. “That is her starship, blocking out the sun.”

  “I see,” Herazanna said softly, through her tears. She looked up at the ship, only slightly surprised she hadn’t noticed it before. “I trust you, Chamberlin. I have only one question: Can
I return to the castle for some of my things? And to say goodbye to the staff?”

  “I’m sorry,” Chamberlin said kindly. “But there isn’t time.”

  Herazanna nodded. “Shall we meditate before we go? It will help to clear our minds and prepare our bodies for the journey ahead.”

  Chamberlin shook his head. “We haven’t time for that either. Our ship is waiting. We must make haste, or you and the other princesses will be in even greater danger.”

  The princess sighed. “Gotcha.” She twirled a lock of her hair around her pinky finger, thinking. Suddenly, she was all business. “Okay, if we want to get away from the castle without being noticed, we’ll need to go by water.” She pointed to the edge of the orchard. “There is a stream at the edge of the fruit fields that will take us to the landing bay near Strawberry Vale. From there, we will be able to circle around to where your ship is waiting.”

  The princess gathered her skirt into her fists and set off at a run. Roxie tumbled along behind her, and Chamberlin struggled to keep up. When they reached the water’s edge, Herazanna pulled a homemade stick raft out from under some bushes. She untied it and brought it to shore. “Hop on!” she told Chamberlin.

  The butler looked at the raft suspiciously. It looked tippy, and he wondered how it could possibly keep both of them afloat. Vehicles like this one were very much against protocol on his home planet of Athenia.

  “Come on, silly,” Herazanna said with a laugh. “Or would you rather swim?”

  Timidly, Chamberlin climbed onto the wooden raft. He sat gingerly in the center of the raft, trying to keep as still as possible so water wouldn’t splash up over the edge onto his good pants.

  But a moment later, Herazanna leaped onto the raft and sent a tidal wave of warm water up and over Chamberlin’s head. He spluttered and wiped at his eyes, muttering disapproving comments under his breath.