Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 19 at 2:16 pm
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/curses/
Curses
We have special words on Earth that we can only use on certain cable channels and when our parents are not around. Some people call them curses or swears or dirty words. If you come here, we’ll teach you all the ones we know, and if you have any on your planet, we’d love to hear them, because we could use them in school and the teachers would never know what we were saying. “A pop quiz? Gleebleglork!” That’d be sweet.
Usually people save curses for when they’re really mad or excited, but rock stars are required to curse at least once every five words they say. Instead of “We’re about to go on tour,” a rock star might say, “We’re about to go on cursing tour.” Or “We’re hitting the cursing road.” Or “Cursey curse curse a city near you.” That’s why rock stars are our modern-day poets.
Nobody wants little kids to find out what the curses are, especially not the really good ones. If there’s a lot of cursing in a movie, it gets rated PG-13, which means most parents won’t let their kids see it until they’re nine or ten. If a movie has a lot of cursing and they show boobs, too, then it’s rated R, which means no one under seventeen is allowed to see it until it comes on Netflix and their parents go out for the night.
Josh says: In third grade, my mom helped me with a school report about beavers, and she kept saying, “the water blockage structure” because she couldn’t bring herself to use the word “dam.” On the day before the report was due, I said, “I’m so water blockage structure tired of writing about beavers.” I got grounded for that, which I don’t think was fair.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 19 at 8:58 pm
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Fights
People on Earth fight. A lot.
Sometimes, people fight over actual things like parking spaces or the last slice of pizza. Other times, they fight over ideas, like which diet cola has the most refreshing low-calorie taste or whether or not a certain quarterback is a bum. Pretty much every human encounter can turn into a fight without warning.
Sometimes, fights get really big, and we call them wars. Instead of our fists, we fight with guns and bombs. You might think since the weapons are bigger that wars are about more important things than regular fights. But usually, wars are fought over dumb things like where the border between WhoCares-istan and The Republic of Loserface lies, or which religion is more peaceful.
Josh says: There are some people who don’t like fighting of any kind. They’re called moms. My mom won’t even let me fight in video games. She gets really upset when she sees me trying to get my Yoshi to slap Pikachu around in New Pork City, even though all she’s really looking at are a bunch of zeroes and ones on a computer and not even a microchip is getting the tiniest boo-boo.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 20 at 9:08 am
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/school/
School
Birds have the right idea about school. When they get old enough, their mom pushes them out of the nest, and the bird has about three seconds to either figure out how to fly or become a bird waffle in somebody’s backyard. That’s all there is to bird school.
Humans only know a tiny bit more than birds, but they make school go on forever by studying dumb things like English, which is the language we already speak, and history, which is a bunch of stuff that already happened. History is probably the worst subject, because it’s about a bunch of dead people, and there’s more to know about it every year. Someday, kids will spend so long learning history, they won’t have any time to make a future.
You’ll sometimes hear old people on Earth complain, “Youth is wasted on the young.” But the truth is, most of youth is wasted in school, and most old people waste too much time complaining.
Humans really don’t know enough to fill up twelve years of education, so we made up a bunch of subjects just to keep kids busy, like trigonometry, where we spend two whole marking periods learning about triangles, and geography, where we’re forced to memorize the capitals of countries we’ll never go to and which may not even exist. Chad? Really? That was the best name some country could come up with for itself? We’re really supposed to believe that a bunch of people in Africa go around saying, “Hi. I live in Chad”? More likely, there’s some guy named Chad who works at the map company who managed to sneak that by his boss. Someday, geography teachers around the world are going to figure out what happened, and Chad will totally get fired for it.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 19 at 9:41pm
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Photos
Earthlings take a lot of photos, probably because everything from phones to doorbells to waffle irons have cameras in them these days. A long time ago, when the world was in black and white, cameras cost a ton of money, and some people might only get one picture of themselves taken in their lifetime. They’d get all dressed up and try to look really serious and dignified for it, and then, they wouldn’t even know until they got it developed whether they were blinking or if they had a booger.
Abraham Lincoln took as many pictures in his whole life as the average person takes of their lunch on any given day. Lincoln’s pictures would hang up in the National Gallery, and maybe a thousand tourists would get to see them. Today, a tuna fish sandwich can get a million likes on Instagram within five minutes.
The only thing people like photographing more than their food is themselves. We call them “selfies,” and we take them all the time, just so we can share pictures of ourselves with our friends, who already know what we look like anyway. It’s hard to imagine what the world would’ve been like if there were selfies when Abraham Lincoln was alive. The Smithsonian would have framed pictures of his social media posts where he’s signing the Emancipation Proclamation with one hand and giving the peace sign with the other. There’d be a caption that said, “Freed the slaves. What did YOU do today? #MakingHistory.”
Josh says: My mom has so many pictures of me on her phone from when I was little that I could literally spend the rest of my life looking at them if I wanted to. If you pulled any of these pictures up and asked me to tell you what was happening when it was taken, I would probably say, “I was begging my mom to stop taking pictures of me.”
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 19 at 10:37 pm
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Punishments
When Earthlings get in trouble, they get punished. If they do something really bad, they get arrested and go to jail. Jail is a place full of cinder block walls, terrible food, and horrible people, and no one is allowed to leave. So it’s basically school, only better, because they don’t force the people in jail to learn anything.
If a kid does something bad, they’d better hope it’s bad enough to get them sent to jail. Otherwise, they get punished by their parents, who can do really horrible things, like send kids to bed without dessert or take away their iPhone.
Parents like to let kids know how much worse they got punished when they were young. They’ll remind them that they didn’t even have Xboxes or iPhones for their parents to take away from them. It’s actually a really good point: when they were kids, just being alive was punishment enough.
Lloyd says: Punishment in my house is a little different. Since all my brothers and sisters and me share bedrooms, it’s not really a punishment to get sent there, because there’s always someone else around. So instead, when one of us gets in trouble, we have to go to the kitchen and listen to our mom tell stories
about her job while she cooks dinner. I try never to get in trouble, because I hate listening to my mom drone on about her office, although I agree with her that Marcy from human resources is on a bit of a power trip.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 20 at 9:48 am
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/parents/
Parents
One of the biggest challenges for those of us living on Earth is putting up with our parents. They speak their own language, which only they understand. They say things that make absolutely no sense, like, “Because I said so!” and “I paid for that!” and “When I was your age, I thought I knew everything, too!” Sometimes they laugh and high-five each other when they say these things. Parents love parent jokes. No one else does.
Parents come in lots of different combinations. Most people have one mom and one dad, but Carl Polito-Montoya has two dads, and they’re pretty much the coolest family ever because they own every gaming system and they never have to put the toilet seat down. It’s also possible to have two moms, or one mom and no dad, or one dad and no mom. Some people have birth parents and adoptive parents. Some have stepparents or foster parents, or they’re raised by their grandparents or by wolf parents in the wilderness. It really doesn’t matter, because they’re all terrible.
Josh says: Parents like to save stuff from when you were little, like this Mother’s Day card I made my mom in kindergarten. She had it until last year, when she finally realized that I’d spelled out her name entirely in boogers. On the plus side, I found out how durable boogers are as a crafting material.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 25 at 4:11 pm
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/aliens/
Aliens
This is not easy to say, but we have to confess that most humans are under the assumption that you aliens are a bunch of donkey-butt jerks.
Just look at the movies Earthlings have made. Aliens are always zapping us with laser guns, or eating us, or popping out of our stomachs in a geyser of guts. In our minds, the only reason an extraterrestrial species would evolve, master quantum physics, devote endless resources to building a spaceship, and then endure the long, unforgiving journey through the nothingness of space is so that they can make Will Smith’s life miserable. Yes, we’re ashamed to admit it, but humans are alienist.
Alien-phobic.
We can guarantee this, though: there are at least two humans who are hoping that aliens will prove everyone wrong and be peaceful, and that’s us.
Well, maybe there are three, because we’d bet after all he’s been through in his movies, Will Smith would probably get on board with that, too.
Another thing you should know about Earthlings is that we’re terrible at naming things. For example, there’s a type of fish we call catfish, named for two animals that are mortal enemies: cats and fish. Then there’s a species of sharks we named nurse sharks: because if there’s one thing the fiercest animal in the ocean wants, it’s to be associated with the lady at school who’s only allowed to give out Band-Aids or let us lie down for ten minutes if we fake a tummy ache. If you actually come to Earth, there’s a good chance we’ll start calling you “Galaxius creaturus boringus” or “Species 42E69F,” or worse, some big-headed scientist will name you after his dopey kid. “They came here from across the cosmos,” he’ll say, when he introduces you. “Presenting . . . the Sweet Little Ashleys!”
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 22 at 5:01 pm
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/friends/
Friends
The only way we Earthlings can put up with all the donkey-butt jerks of the world is if we have really cool friends. We can complain to our friends about our parents, and they’ll make us feel better by telling us about the things their parents do that are even worse.
Most friends are people we’ve actually met in real life, but there are other kinds of friends, too, like the ones we met online playing Gears of War once like six months ago who still send us party requests at weird hours almost every day. Friends have names like Mike or Malik or BoomGoezDaDynamite4827!&#.
We never have to be embarrassed around our friends, and we can tell them all our secrets, like our email password in case we get hit by a bus and we need them to go in and delete all our old messages before our parents find them.
Lloyd says: By the way, Josh, if I ever get hit by a bus . . .
Josh says: I’m on it, buddy.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 25 at 8:02 pm
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/vaccines/
Vaccines
When humans get sick, we take medicine, which eventually helps us feel better. Sometimes, we fight against a disease before we even get it, by taking a vaccine. A vaccine actually gives a person a small amount of a virus so our bodies will recognize it and learn how to fight against it, in case it ever tries to attack us again. It sounds like a pretty good deal, but the way doctors give us a vaccine is by sticking a giant needle in our arm.
When you really think about it, it makes no sense. There are so many perfectly fine openings in a human body already. Why do doctors always need to make new ones with sharp objects just to cram medicine in there? If doctors are smart enough to invent vaccines, they should be able to come up with a way to give people one by rubbing it on their toes or making an ice cream out of it, rather than by violently jabbing their patients with metal. The fact that they insist on using needles is probably just a sign that the medical profession attracts people who happen to like needles. If you ask doctors what their hobbies are outside of work, most of them will probably say knitting and inflating basketballs.
That’s what’s really sick, and not in the good way.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 26 at 11:11 am
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/news/
News
People on Earth love to know what’s going on in other parts of Earth. So we watch the news. That’s where people on television with perfect skin and hair, called “reporters,” share stories and videos from other places so that we can see what’s going on there without actually having to go there ourselves.
There’s so much news that some TV channels show nothing but news twenty-four hours a day. These are the channels our grandparents watch when they come to visit. Anywhere there’s a TV tuned to a news channel, you can bet that only a few feet away, there’s a kid who’d rather be playing Xbox. When the news channels run out of news to report, they put on shows where loud people yell at each other about politics. You would think that by now, all these yelling people would’ve solved a few of the world’s problems, but instead, this planet is more messed up than ever.
Josh says: There’s only one news channel my Grandma Nutjob will watch. It’s the one that talks about the president the way teenage girls talk about boy bands. They always say how great he is and how anyone who doesn’t like him is just a hater and a liar and probably likes really lame forms of government, like communism, those losers! Whenever anyone says anything bad about the president, Grandma Nutjob throws hard candies at the TV. Grandma Cuckoo only watches one news channel, too, but she likes the one that talks about the president the way teenage boys talk about boy bands. They only say how much he sucks and how people who like him are dum-dums and how they can’t even stand to listen to him for five seconds without wanting to throw up. She, too, throws hard candies at the TV when the president’s face comes on.
Whenever Grandma Nutjob and Grandma Cuckoo talk to each other, they raise their voices and accuse each other of being “brainwashed” a lot. My family tries never to invite them both over at the same time, and on the rare
occasions that we do, my mom has me hide all the hard candies.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, September 26 at 12:12 pm
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http://peacefulextraterrestrialsguidetoearth.freeblogz.biz/books/
Books
When an Earthling wants to learn about something, a good way to do it is by reading a book. Some books are non-fiction, which means they include real facts, like how to fix a car engine, or fun things to do in Uruguay. Then there’s fiction, which are books full of stuff that someone just made up. That might sound really dumb, to spend your time getting involved with characters who aren’t real and stuff that didn’t actually happen, but it’s just about the best thing you can do.
In a book, anything can happen. Tree houses can become time machines. Two boys can brainwash their principal into thinking he’s a superhero who fights crime in his underpants. Kids with magic powers can go to a special school in England where people have owls for pets and everything has funny names. Pretty much any random thing some weirdo can think up. And it’s awesome. When you read a book, you get to hang out with cool people and learn about the crazy adventures they have. Books can be scary or sad or funny and sometimes romantic, although we don’t recommend those books unless you want to barf all over the pages at the really mushy parts.
That’s one more cool thing about books. Even at the worst times, a good book can make things a little bit better. If there’s one thing that sucks about books, it’s when you’re reading one you really like, and it ends.
Posted by Lloyd and Josh, March 18 at 4:44 pm
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jerry Mahoney is the author of the series My Rotten Stepbrother Ruined Fairy Tales. He is located in the city of Los Angeles on the planet Earth, along with a husband and two children who are most likely human. His butt is just where you’d expect it to be, thank you very much. Find out more at jerrymahoneybooks.com.
Buttheads from Outer Space Page 16