What was right? Nonnie had her opinion. Addy agreed with her—if for different reasons. Marrying Ella was wrong.
Neither of those opinions mattered. He had to do what he thought was right. The problem was, what he thought seemed to change by the hour.
This confusion was new to him, and he didn’t like it.
So he focused instead on the mental checklist of what he knew.
The baby was as much his responsibility as hers. It wasn’t right that just her life be disrupted.
He wasn’t sure the baby was his.
If the baby was his, he wanted it.
He didn’t want to marry Ella.
He couldn’t choose his happiness at the expense of others.
He had to stay in Shelter Valley for at least four years.
Shelter Valley was beginning to feel like home.
He missed some of his buddies in Bierly.
He missed having his own home, filled with his own things—a place where he could knock out a wall if it would help Nonnie maneuver more easily.
Ella couldn’t drive. She wouldn’t be able to get around Shelter Valley.
He couldn’t leave Ella and Nonnie home alone together all day.
Dot would drive both him and Nonnie nuts in no time.
He was in very heatedlike with Addy Kennedy. To the point of almost believing in people being meant for each other. And maybe even close to believing in love.
Ella didn’t interest him anymore.
Could he help that? She’d worried that he’d move on and she wouldn’t be enough for him anymore.
He’d assured her that would never happen.
And it had.
Angry with himself, filled with shame, Mark dialed Ella’s number, hoping that she’d gone to bed and wouldn’t pick up.
“Mark? I called almost an hour ago.”
Her disappointment in him didn’t even begin to mirror his own. He couldn’t live like this. Feeling selfish and base. He had to make this right.
“I was at work, Ella,” he said, his tone purposely soft. Intimate. “I’m not even home yet.”
“You stopping off at the bar? Having a cold one with the boys?”
The Mark she knew would have done so. And she’d have met him there, too.
“No. Believe it or not, I haven’t been to the bar here yet. Mostly I just go home and do homework.”
“Mostly?”
“I’ve been working some extra evening shifts to make up for the hours I can’t work because of class.”
“That sounds like my man.” Her tone had softened, too. He could almost feel the tension easing out of her. “Work before play.”
“Always.” At least that hadn’t changed. There were parts of himself that were still familiar.
“How about you?” he asked. He had to care about her. She’d been his girl for more than two years. That mattered.
He’d known Addy less than two months and she mattered more.
“I made up my mind about us, and I had to call you before I changed it again. I’m trying to be more like you, Mark, doing the right thing instead of the easy thing. That’s what you always said.”
“That’s right, Ella.” He was glad that she was trying to improve herself. Glad that he could help...
Dread filled his gut. He wasn’t ready to sign on for a lifetime of...no passion. Wasn’t ready to leave behind all of the possibilities he’d been exposed to over the past weeks.
For the first time in his life he’d started to dream—while he was awake.
“I’m not pregnant, Mark.”
He was dreaming. Awake. “What?”
“I want to marry you. There’s no one here who’s ever going to be as good as you, but I’m not pregnant. I made my decision to be honest with you and so that’s what I’m doing.”
She wanted to marry him.
She was trusting him enough to be honest with him.
She wasn’t pregnant.
He could only deal with one thing at a time.
“You lied to me?”
“No! At least not about the being pregnant part.”
“You lost the baby?” She wouldn’t have ended the pregnancy of her own accord. Another given.
And the thought of his child dying, even in fetal form, elicited a sadness he couldn’t have predicted.
He hadn’t been there....
“No.”
He frowned. The seesaw of conflicting emotions was getting the better of him in spite of himself.
“You said you didn’t lie about the pregnant part. What exactly did you lie about?”
“The doctor part. I didn’t go to a doctor. I did a home pregnancy test. It came back positive.”
“So you are pregnant.”
“No. I went to the doctor today. I took him the test results, and he did his own test. It was a false positive.”
“You aren’t pregnant.” If he wasn’t careful, he was going to fly right off the edge of the mountain and float down to the city below.
To the lights and school and his new friends.
To a patio where he hoped one new friend in particular would be waiting for him.
White wine. His grandmother had told him to buy a bottle. Good advice.
“Did you hear what I just said?” Ella’s words registered, as did her hurt tone.
He’d heard her voice going on.
He was a jerk.
“I want to come out there for a vacation, Mark. I already put in for the time, thinking that I would be going on leave. I was taking vacation time first because I’d get full pay. I can take the bus out just like I said, but Mom wouldn’t need to come with me. You can show me your new town. Maybe I’ll like it better than I think. I mean, you’ve lived in Bierly your whole life, too, and you like it there.”
“It’s not a good idea, Ella.”
She’d given him honesty. He owed it back to her.
Her pause was excruciatingly long.
“It’s happened, hasn’t it? I knew, when you quit texting, but I just didn’t want to admit it. You’ve moved on. I’m no longer good enough for you.”
“You’re good enough for anyone, Ella, and don’t you ever forget that. And I will never move past being your friend. I just don’t want to marry you.”
He’d already told her that. A few days ago. And what he’d promised her was that he’d be there for her.
“If you’re ever in trouble, if you ever need anything, you call me and I’ll be there for you. I promise.”
“You really do mean that, don’t you?”
“Yes.” His breathing came easier.
“You’re a good person, Mark Heber.”
“I don’t feel like one at the moment.”
“Because you aren’t head over heels in love with me?”
“Maybe.”
“I’m not head over heels in love with you, either.” Her words shocked the hell out of him.
And a lot of the guilt, too.
“You’re too good for me...”
“Don’t start that again.”
“No, hear me out.” He heard the clink of a bottle as she paused and knew that she’d started drinking. “You are too good for me, Mark. As in too Goody Two-shoes. It’s too hard living up to you. I like to let loose, have fun, forget about other people sometimes.”
He knew that about her. He’d always admired her ability to let go. “You don’t ever hurt anyone,” he told her.
“No, but I don’t be
nd over backward for them like you do, either. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t come naturally to me. And I’m tired of trying so hard. I just want to be me.”
“Then why did you say you wanted to marry me?”
“Because you’re hot. And you’re going to be the greatest husband to whatever woman you marry.”
“You still planning to stay sober?”
“Of course. Rick don’t drink. Remember, I told you he took me to a church thingie?”
“You still seeing him, then?”
“I was till I thought I was pregnant. He’s not you, but I have more fun when I’m with him.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I will once I get you out of my system.”
“Does he love you?”
“Yeah. He tells me almost every night. Or he did until I ended things.”
“You think you’ll be able to patch things up?”
“I don’t know. You got any advice?”
Resting his head against the back of his seat, Mark spent the next half hour staring out at the lights in the valley below and helping his ex-girlfriend get her new man.
A man she’d already slept with. Several times.
Even if Ella had been pregnant, there’d been no guarantee the baby had been his. She’d just wanted him to be her baby’s father, so she’d tried to make it so.
He understood. Accepted her for what she was.
And moved on down the road.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
NOTHING WAS AS IT should be. Not her investigation of Will Parsons. Not the life of deception she was living. And not the compulsion to be with Mark Heber.
She didn’t go an hour anymore without thinking of sex. And her thoughts always included Mark. She’d been dreaming about sex, too, and waking up crazy in need.
But it was about more than sex. Physical desires she could fight. She was an adult, capable of abstaining. She could lock her doors and stay inside.
She could just tell Mark that she didn’t want him to touch her. Ever. He’d abide by her wishes.
Sex wasn’t the issue. No matter what Nonnie asked of her, Mark was not going to make love with one woman while another was carrying his baby. Nor would he share his body with one if he’d promised to marry another.
Both were reasons why she loved him.
Jumping up from the table, not even sure what folders she had open on her laptop, Addy went to the spare bedroom, as far away from Mark as she could get without leaving her place.
She’d said she’d meet him outside. She’d been waiting half an hour. He was late getting home.
The spare bedroom felt foreign. She never used it.
She loved him.
That was the issue.
The truth had followed her into the room. She couldn’t stay in there with it.
Hurrying back down the hallway, Addy grabbed her car keys and rushed to the front door. She’d go for a drive. Get away.
She just needed a change of scenery.
To find perspective.
She pulled open her front door.
And found Mark.
* * *
HE’D GONE OUT the back door first. A bottle of wine and two glasses in his hands, he’d approached her chair, some corny words about toasting to a celebration on his lips.
When she hadn’t been there, he’d glanced at her window, seen lights on and taken a seat. To wait.
He’d listened to her water. Thought about Ella. She was going to be all right.
If not, she’d call. And he’d help her in any way he could. They’d spent a couple of good years together. They’d always have that.
At some point it had dawned on him that Addy wasn’t coming out. Maybe she’d already been out.
He’d purchased the wine chilled.
He needed to see her.
He’d walked through his half of the duplex, past his homework and out the front. And then he’d knocked on her door.
* * *
“MARK!”
Did he know that she loved him? Could he read the truth in her eyes?
“You’re on your way out.” He glanced at the keys suspended in her hand.
“Yes, I...I...” She what? What could she possibly say to this man that wouldn’t make her sound crazier than she was?
I’m an impostor who’s in love with you?
She couldn’t be. She’d just been out of her element too long. She needed to get out of Shelter Valley. Needed to be able to believe that Will Parsons was as perfect as she’d always believed him to be.
She’d agreed to meet Mark outside on their patio and now she was running away.
“What’s wrong?”
His frown was filled with as much compassion as concern. And something far more personal, too.
It was the personal that got to her. Inside her. And she noticed the bottle of wine in his hand. The two glasses in the other.
“I... Nothing’s wrong,” she said. Another lie because everything in her life was wrong.
“I was just heading out for some...milk.” He knew she didn’t drink milk. They’d talked about it the first time Nonnie had shared his chocolate chip cookies with her. “For cooking.”
“What are you cooking this time of night?”
“Pudding.” The lies rolled off her tongue. And with every word she hated herself more.
Or, at least, hated the predicament she was in.
“Could I interest you in a celebratory glass of wine instead?” He held up the bottle.
“Of course.” Her mouth answered before her brain had a chance to process the question. She stepped aside.
Letting him into her living room. Only her living room.
“You want to go out back?” she asked.
“If you’d like.”
“Or we could stay in here.” She motioned to the couch. And the chair next to it. She was acting like a schoolgirl. An idiot.
She was acting like Adele Kennedy.
Unfortunately, Adele had given away Adrianna Keller’s heart.
* * *
ADDY WENT FOR NUTS. A bowl of them. To go with the wine. She couldn’t afford any chances that the sweet white liquid would go to her head. Dull her inhibitions any more than they’d already been dulled.
She needed something to do with her hands.
And a moment to herself, as well.
She was not going to fulfill Nonnie’s request. Regardless of what the older woman thought, it would not do Mark any good at all to tempt him to sleep with her while he contemplated fatherhood and marriage. It wouldn’t save him. It would make him hate himself.
And hate her, too, when he found out that she wasn’t who he thought she was.
She wasn’t in love with him, either.
She was tired. And lonely for someone who knew her. Really knew her.
Mark was the closest thing there was. Her fault. So many people in Colorado had welcomed her into their lives.
And she’d kept her distance.
She wasn’t going to do that anymore. As soon as she got home she’d throw an open house. Get involved in some civic organizations. Meet her neighbors. Find someone to fall in love with.
Her resolve firm, she picked up the little glass bowl of salted cashews and joined Mark in her living room.
“I took the liberty of pouring the wine,” he said, indicating the bottle with the screwed-off top on the coffee table behind two full
glasses of wine.
He was sitting on the couch.
“Come, sit down,” he said, his smile so warm she felt it clear to her womb. “Toast with me.”
“What are we toasting?” she asked, sitting a foot away from him on the couch and picking up her glass. She smiled, glad to have him there.
Happy that he’d come to her to celebrate whatever good news he’d brought with him.
“Did you get a promotion?” It was a little soon for a promotion, considering that he’d only had the job for a month, but the guess was the best she could come up with.
He shook his head and held up his glass.
“Here’s to me not getting married.” His grin was infectious and she played along, clinking her glass against his and taking a long sip.
“Ella turned you down?”
“Not exactly.” He held up his glass again.
“Here’s to false positives.” His grin grew. She sipped some more.
“Wait a minute.” Lowering her glass, she held it with both hands on top of her knees.
“Ella isn’t pregnant?”
“No.”
“But the doctor...”
“She didn’t go until today. She’d only done a home pregnancy test. It was positive.”
“And she’s not pregnant?”
“No. Her doctor did a blood test today and confirmed that she’s not.”
Nonnie hadn’t been in denial.
She’d been right.
* * *
ELLA HADN’T BEEN pregnant, but she could have been. Mark had had a narrow escape and was more aware than ever that every single action he took came with consequences.
“This past week has been a real eye-opener for me,” he told Addy as they sat together on her couch sipping wine. In leggings and a long blousy white shirt, she looked sexy as hell.
And so much more.
It was the more that he wanted.
“How so?” Her lips curved into a natural smile.
“I realize how much this education means to me. In Bierly, I was content. I’m not content anymore. In Bierly, I was willing to settle for whatever life gave me. Suddenly I want more.”
Her blue-eyed glance warmed him dangerously.
“You are part of the more that I want.”
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