“Liv,” I said softly, not wanting to hurt her or do irrevocable damage to our friendship.
“It’s okay, Evie,” she said as she flopped back down on the bed. “I don’t blame you. Devon is the best and he wants to marry me. I’d be jealous if I were you too. I had his baby, so now I have a claim on him forever. No one else will ever be the mother of his first baby. I gave him something sacred.”
I tried not to focus on the fact that her statement made it sound like she expected Devon to have another baby momma at some point, as if she was admitting her relationship was temporary. I knew Devon didn’t think of it as such, but was surprised to hear it from Olivia.
“You’re drunk, Olivia.” That was the only thing I could think to say to her. I couldn’t deny what she was saying – I was jealous. But not in a hateful way, not in a way that made me angry with her. I was happy for her and Devon. Them having a baby and getting married changed nothing about our predicament. Devon had been, from the start, out of my reach. Not within my grasp. The minute he linked himself to Liv, it was over for us, and it had never really began. I’d made peace with that long ago, but it never made the connection go away, the awareness that I loved him in a way I hadn’t ever loved anyone. Loved him enough to let him be with her, to step back and watch him be happy with someone else – with my best friend.
“I’m really drunk,” she said with a giggle, which morphed into a huge belly laugh. She laughed for five minutes, making it nearly impossible to get her shoes off. When her laughter tapered off, I guided her into the bathroom.
“Here’s a nightgown,” I said, placing it on the counter. “Go to the bathroom and change. I’ll get some Advil and water for you.”
“You’re the best,” she said, with words I barely understood because they were so mushed together, and all tension from our earlier conversation dissolved away.
“I’m glad you think so, Liv. You’re pretty awesome yourself.” I shut the door as she ambled toward the toilet, glad to be done with the nerve-wracking conversation she’d started. I sat on her bed, dropped my head into my hands, and took in a deep breath. As her maid of honor, my responsibility included making sure she was safe and taken care of, which meant getting her home. Therefore, I’d consumed far less alcohol than she had. And in that moment, I was regretting that fact immensely. I scrubbed my hands down my face, breathing out a large sigh. After a quiet moment, I heard more giggles coming from the bathroom and let my lips form the smile that came naturally. Despite what drunk Olivia thought, I would never want her to be uncomfortable just to make myself feel better. I loved her. I treasured our friendship. It was a little more complicated than I ever would have imagined, but only for me. I’d never make my feelings for her fiancé affect anything. Ever.
I walked out to her kitchen, finding the drawer I knew they kept their medicine in, and opened the Advil. As I was filling a glass from the faucet, I heard the front door open and then watched as Elliot and Devon came inside. Only, in exact opposition to me helping Olivia home, Elliot had his drunken arm draped over Devon’s shoulders.
“Evie!” Elliot yelled, removing his arm from around Devon, and nearly falling forward to get to me. I put the glass down before he made contact, but was promptly wrapped up in his arms, being held close to him, smelling the alcohol wafting off his skin. His hands wandered, smoothing down my back to cup my ass, at which point I felt his scruffy face against the skin of my neck. “Damn, Evie. You’re hot.” He continued to paw at me, but I managed to push him far enough away so that his hands were only able to reach my shoulders.
“Babe, you’re drunk,” I said with a laugh. “This was Devon’s night. You were supposed to let him get hammered. Some best man you are.”
His eyes narrowed a little. “Devon doesn’t mind.”
My eyes found Devon standing by the dining room table, hands in his pockets, just watching us. His eyes were on Elliot and he didn’t look completely happy with the situation.
“Olivia is in the bathroom. She’s pretty wasted too. I was going to bring her some water and Advil.” My eyes darted to the cup and pills on the counter.
He nodded, took the pills and water, and then walked toward the bedroom.
I moved my hands from Elliot’s shoulders up to cup his cheeks. His eyes were glassy, hooded by his eyelids that looked like they weighed a million pounds. “Are you ready to go home?”
“Unless you had other plans,” he replied, his tone not particularly friendly.
I tilted my head to the side, unsure of where he was trying to take the conversation. “I’ve got no plans. I’m here. You’re here. I’m sober. Let’s get you home.”
“If we lived together, you’d only have to go to one place,” he slurred, turning from me once the words had left his mouth. I felt the verbal punch to my gut, but tried not to react immediately. He was drunk, after all.
“Well, I was planning on staying with you, so I’d only have one stop anyway. Unless you had other plans…” I couldn’t hold back the snark as I threw his own words back at him.
“Why are you always pushing me away when he’s around?”
I let out an exasperated sigh. “I push you away when you’re being inappropriate.”
“I’m not allowed to touch you? You’re my girlfriend. For two years.”
“Being my boyfriend doesn’t give you the right to put your hands on me whenever you’d like. Come on,” I said, my voice becoming a little softer. “Let’s just get you home.”
His hands reached out for me again, but this time they ended up on my hips so I didn’t move them. I just looked him in the eye. “Will you still stay with me? I didn’t mean to upset you.”
He sounded sincerely sorry, and I knew he’d probably pass out in the car on the way to his apartment anyway. “Yeah, I’ll stay. Come on, let’s go.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the door. I stopped at the door and called out softly, “Bye guys, we’re headed home.” I didn’t get a response, but figured Devon had his hands full with Liv.
We made it all the way to my car before I realized I’d left my purse behind. I leaned him up against my car. “I’ll be right back, I left the keys inside.” He grumbled but didn’t argue, so I ran back to the apartment as fast as I could in my stupid heels.
I inched the door open, not wanting to alarm anyone, and saw my purse on the dining table. I tried to tiptoe through the apartment, but nearly screamed when Devon walked out of his bedroom, startling me. I jumped, but managed to keep quiet. When my brain registered that Devon was only wearing a pair of cotton lounge pants, I kept my hand over my mouth, but for an entirely different reason. I was no longer trying to stifle a scream, I was attempting to hide that my mouth was gaping open at the sight of his naked, chiseled, glorious chest. I’d seen it before – the first time we’d met, for one – but usually there were other people around. We were at the lake, for example, and everyone was showing skin. But I had never seen Devon in an intimate way, never seen him only visible by the dim light coming from the bathroom, wearing the very thing I imagined he would go to bed in, looking at me like if I didn’t leave, didn’t get out of his reach, he might devour me.
I slipped past him, grabbed my purse, and left without a word. Lord knew, if either one of us spoke right then, our worlds might come crumbling down.
When I’d gotten Elliot safely into his apartment, I finally reached down to take off my godforsaken heels. He wandered drunkenly through his apartment and into the bedroom. I sighed, still reeling from the tense interaction I’d had with Devon, wanting desperately to just fall asleep and start a new day with a clean slate. Suddenly, I heard Elliot’s voice, deep, gravelly, and drunk, ring out through his apartment.
“You’d tell me if you’d fallen out of love with me, right?”
My heart lurched at his question, ached inside my chest. He was drunk, but I knew he was asking me a serious question. The truth was I wasn’t in love with Elliot. I loved him, in the way one would love a wonderful guy after dat
ing him for two years. But I’d never been in love with him. I didn’t know if it was something I was capable of with Elliot. I loved him. I cared about him. I didn’t regret being with him.
I walked back to his bedroom and saw him lying on his back on the bed, much like Olivia had been – arms sprawled out, eyes glued to the ceiling. I crawled onto his bed, my dress inching up my thighs as I made my way to him, and found my usual spot, my cheek on his chest, his arm coming to naturally curl around me, holding me close.
“Nothing’s changed,” I whispered, pressing my face in closer to him, unable to say the words with any kind of conviction. I couldn’t shout them, couldn’t plead with him to believe me; all I could do was whisper my half-truth to him. When he rolled toward me, his hand finding the side of my face, eyes level with mine, all I could do was lean forward and press my mouth to his to stop any words he had for me. He didn’t push me away, didn’t try to say anything more to me. And even though he was drunk, and we’d had a tumultuous past hour, I let him make love to me – it was the least I could do.
Chapter Twelve
Present Day
It was Monday morning and Devon had left the house without saying one word to me. He also went out of his way to leave the house in a way in which he wouldn’t have to walk past me. Which meant he walked through the backyard, opened the back gate, and climbed over the pile of firewood kept at the side of his house in order to go to work without having to see me. It was ridiculous, but most of me was glad he’d gone the extra mile.
I had no idea what I would have said to him if he’d had big enough balls to face me. I was certain, however, that I would more than likely pretend as if nothing had ever happened between us, just like I’d been doing for ten years now.
After I’d snuck back into his house on Friday to get my camera, after I was certain he’d left and the house was empty, I’d spent the weekend in my car, driving until something caught my eye. I’d stopped when I wanted to, photographed my temporary muse, then pack up and move along. I drove all day Saturday until it was dark and my eyes were tired. I stopped at a run-down motel, slept on top of the scratchy covers, and woke up on Sunday ready for another day. I took a different route back home, stopping again whenever I felt like it.
I knew I had to be home in time to get to Devon’s house Monday morning. I knew, even though there were a million other places I’d rather be than there, the kids needed me and my conscience would be shouting at me if I’d abandoned them. Liv asked me to do one thing – to help take care of her family. So, no matter how upset I was with Devon and myself, I would be there for the kids.
The kids hadn’t mentioned anything unusual and didn’t seem like they knew anything was off between Devon and me, so I tried to act as normal as possible.
I was herding both kids toward the door, mentally counting backpacks and lunch boxes, making sure they both had everything they needed for their day. I heard the door open just as I grabbed my purse, but was surprised to hear Jaxy’s voice say, “Hello, there. You must build stuff. Bob the Builder wears the same belt.”
My head snapped toward the door, heart pounding, but then a wave of relief rolled through me when I saw Nate on the other side of the door, tool belt and all.
“I do build stuff. I tear stuff down too.” Nate’s voice was soft and gentle, his words said with a smile. “In fact, I’m here to look at your house where all the water was.”
“You mean the room that flooded? It’s kind of smelly in there,” Jaxy said, scrunching up his nose. “And we’ve had loud fans on all weekend.”
“I’m here to fix that too,” he said, laughing. “Good morning, Evelyn.” His eyes found mine as he spoke, his eyes a little more cautious with me than they were with Jax. “Is now a bad time to take a look at the damage?”
“We’re going to school,” Ruby supplied, her tone a little unfriendly, which caused me to frown.
“We are, actually, headed out the door to get them to school.” I said, a little surprised by my own disappointment. “But,” I said, hoping to stall him, “I could be back in a half hour. Any chance you can come back then?”
A smile spread over his face slowly as he nodded. “Sure. I’ll just go grab a coffee.” He paused then, and I saw indecision sweep across his face. Moments later, it changed to a more hopeful expression. “Can I bring you anything?”
There was no way for him to know that it had been months, possibly years, since someone had asked me if they could do something for me. It shouldn’t have mattered that much, shouldn’t have shifted something inside of me as significantly as it did, but I couldn’t help the emotions his simple question evoked.
“That would be great. Just an iced coffee, please.” My voice was slight and tiny, all I could muster without letting more show in my words than I would have liked.
“Got it. See you in a half hour.” He nodded slightly, then backed away before turning and heading toward the big truck parked at the curb which I assumed was his.
“Let’s go guys,” I said to the kids, urging them through the door.
“Who was that?” Ruby asked.
“The man who’s going to fix your house,” I replied as I shut the door behind me.
“He looked at you funny,” Ruby said with her usual snarky tone.
“He did not.”
“He was cool. I like all his tools,” Jax remarked, doing his typical skip-walk down the path toward the sidewalk. We all turned, heading toward the corner where the bus would pick up Ruby. As we waited, the kids seemed to forget about Nate, talking instead about their exciting plans for summer vacation, which was coming up quickly. I silently wondered what Devon had planned for the summer. I certainly couldn’t spend all day with the kids. Spending the mornings and evenings with them was stretching my abilities as it was. My job was already suffering; I couldn’t stay with the kids full time without giving up my career completely.
I felt the panic rising up, but did my best to tamp it down. Surely, Devon wasn’t expecting me to stay with them. He’d probably already signed them up for daycare or summer camp. I wouldn’t mind continuing the morning and evening routine, but anything more than what I was giving them now would cause a lot of issues. I pushed the stressful thoughts out of my mind, trying not to give in to the urge to overthink and panic.
I kept the radio on as I drove Jax to preschool, trying to keep my mind occupied by the voices of the DJs, or the songs they played. When I pulled out of the parking lot and headed back to Devon’s house, my pulse picked up and the blood pumped through me with such force I could hear it in my ears.
I pulled into the driveway, trying not to stare at the attractive man standing on the porch, two coffee cups in his hands, elbows bent, and biceps stretching the cotton of his sleeves beautifully. His skin was tanned, which I imagined was only natural for a man who probably worked outdoors a lot.
His eyes tracked me as I got out of my car and I couldn’t help but notice the way his smile started on one side of his mouth and then spread across widely.
“You’re like a full service contractor, bringing me coffee and everything.” I said the words with mocked confidence, as if I were totally comfortable with attractive men doing nice things for me.
“On my good days, I can be terribly accommodating.”
“Well, thank you,” I said, trying to look him in the eyes, but finding his gaze too intense. I looked away before the blush creeping over my cheeks became too prominent. I put my key in the door and unlocked it, pushing it open and welcoming him in with a sweep of my arm.
He walked past me and held my coffee out, still smiling. “Shall we get a look at your laundry room?”
“Sure,” I said, watching him walk toward the kitchen. I took in a deep breath, tore my gaze from the broadness that was his back, and shut the door. I followed him through the house, noticing he placed his cup on the kitchen counter as he walked by, not stopping on his way to the laundry room. When I came into the laundry room, he was stooped down low tou
ching a portion of the wall near the floor that had been under water.
“The fans did a good job of drying all this out,” he said, not looking away from the wall. “Like I said last week, the work should take a couple of weeks.” At that point his eyes looked up at me as I stood in the doorway. “Do you work from home?”
I was caught a little off guard by his question, trying to find the link between his previous statement and the question he’d asked me, trying to formulate an answer. He must have noticed my confusion and tried to explain.
“Most people work during the day, so they give me a key and I do the work while they’re out of the house. But this was twice now you’ve been home so I assumed…” His voice trailed off and he was obviously looking for me to fill in some of the blanks.
“I don’t live here. This isn’t my house.”
“Not your house?”
“No. This is Devon’s house. He lives here with his children.”
“I guess I kind of figured you were-”
“No.” I was compelled to tell him everything, but also afraid to tell him anything. He was, after all, a stranger. But for some reason, I wanted to tell him who I was, who Devon was, how it came to be that his children were a part of my life.
“Do you think he will be all right giving me a key then?”
I shrugged. Honestly, after their testosterone battle the week before, I wasn’t sure what he’d be okay with. “I can ask him.”
Nate stood, shaking his head, wiping his hands on his jeans. “No, it’s fine. I can ask. He’s the homeowner.” He looked at me, his eyes piercing, brows furrowed. Suddenly, he sighed loudly and ran a hand through his hair. “This is going to be totally inappropriate of me, but I’m really confused, so I’m just going to ask.” He didn’t give me enough time to respond before he asked his question, words spilling quickly from his mouth as if he were afraid he’d lose his nerve. “What are you to him? I mean, what’s your relationship?”
The Absence of Olivia Page 12