“I had to deliver him,” I say, in almost a whisper. I’m surprised that I want to discuss the details, but I want Jack to know everything about our boy. “That was the worst part. I had to go through the painful, exhausting experience of labor, knowing I’d have no baby to take home.”
Jack mutters, “Christ,” as he pushes off the bench.
He stands with his back to me, one hand in his pocket, the other on the back of his neck, as he watches kids kicking a soccer ball. When he turns back, I see his regret.
“I wish I’d been there. I shoulda been holding your hand and crying with you after he was born.”
He's not saying it in anger like he's mad I didn't call him. He’s saying it in sympathy.
I stand and take the few steps to reach him. This time I take his hands in mine and look him in the eyes. I need him to see I mean every word.
"At the time, I did wish you were there, but now I'm glad that you weren't. Seeing him so incredibly tiny and not breathing is something I'll never forget. I wouldn't want you to have those memories.”
He takes his thumb and wipes away yet another tear that’s fallen down my cheek, and then he asks, “Did you bury him?”
I nod. “He's got a little headstone everything,” I say with a sad smile.
He looks away and I can see him visibly swallow. “Can we go see him?”
My heart aches at that request, but I can do this for him… and for me. My mom and I go every year on his birthday, but it’s never a trip I look forward to.
Chapter 48
Born Without Breath But Not Without Love
We ride together, in my car, this time. The cemetery is not far from my moms, so it takes us about twenty minutes to get there. On the drive, we talk about what each of us has been up to for the past few years. I even laughed a couple of times when he talked about his bandmates and some of the shit they've gotten into.
I talk about how, although I’d decided to keep the baby, I still planned on going to college. My mom was determined that we would make it work, saying I could have a baby and still become a doctor. I was going to commute from home, and she’d work her schedule around mine as much as possible, and we’d recruited our neighbors to help when needed. I started bleeding and lost him, just a few days into the first semester, so all the plans were unnecessary.
I park at the bottom of a small hill, at the cemetery. This is where the babies are buried, the ones who never lived, or only had a few days of life. There’s a small, decorative, brick wall at the bottom, facing the road. It has a large piece of marble in the center that reads, “When angels come to visit us here on earth, they can't stay for long.”
As I wait for Jack to round the car, I watch the leaves of the big oak, at the top of the hill, as a few fall to the ground. There’s a slight breeze that picks up several of the orange and yellow leaves, carrying them a few feet, before allowing them to again, fall to the ground.
Without looking at Jack, I begin the short climb. When I get to the spot where our tiny boy is buried, I step to the side, allowing Jack to step up next to me. When he looks down at the small headstone, I hear his sharp intake of breath. Still looking at the name engraved on the stone, he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me tight against him.
He begins to speak but has to clear his throat several times before he's able to get the words out.
"You named him after me and your brother?”
I nod, as I too read the words written in stone.
Jaxon Tyler Hughes
August 26th, 2010
“Born Without Breath But Not Without Love”
“It’s perfect,” he says after a couple of sniffles.
I don’t know if he’s talking about the name or the headstone, but it doesn’t matter—I love both.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, with his arm still around my shoulders, he squeezes again, but this time pulling me into another hug.
He kisses my forehead then reaches for my hand, tugging on it as he turns to go. As we walk to the car, he shakes his head, before looking over his shoulder at me. “You are one fucking amazing girl, you know that?”
Um, nope, especially not today.
“You’ve survived three men leaving you behind and the death of a child—hell you even named your baby after two of the asses that left you.” I frown, having never thought of it that way. “And after all that, you’re still an amazingly strong, independent, witty, and determined woman.”
“You forgot beautiful,” I say, uncomfortable with his compliment.
He chuckles softly. “Well, yes of course, that too.”
He opens my car door and I climb in. I stare up the hill in the direction of the grave, as he walks around and climbs in the other side.
When we get back to the park and his motorcycle, he pulls me into one last hug.
“Thank you,” I say into his chest.
“For what?” he asks, his chest vibrating against my cheek.
“For finding me… for listening… for not hating me.”
He lets out a long slow breath. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who should be thanking you for not hating me.”
That’s it, that’s all we say. No more discussion about why he came to see me or the past. As he climbs on his bike, he says one last thing. “I promise I’ll keep in touch this time.”
On the drive back to the park, Jack entered his number into my phone, and my number into his. I don’t know if we’ll talk again, but I do know I’ll be okay if we don’t.
***
Adrian
I lie on my bed, waiting for her to return, staring numbly at the ceiling. I’ve already run through every possible scenario of what she’s been doing since I saw her leave with Jack. At one point I was so angry, I put my fist through the wall. I’ve not had this much testosterone raging through my veins… well, ever.
I tried using GPS to locate her phone again but only found that her phone had been turned off. I’m sure that was a good thing because if I’d got to her this time, I likely would’ve gone caveman.
I know I fucked up on multiple levels. She’s protected herself, from the pain that relationships bring, for several years now. I come along, become obsessively fascinated with her, and convince her to trust me. Less than one week later and I’m lying alone in my bed, after practically chasing her into her ex-boyfriend’s arms.
I look at the clock and see she’s been gone for almost two hours. Unable to cope with my misery alone, I decide it’s time for some alcohol intervention.
Chapter 49
Go Kiss And Make Up
After I watch Jack drive away from the park, I text Robert, to tell him I’m staying with him for a few days. He agrees and says he’ll get a few things for me, since he’s still at my place, then meet me at his apartment.
I can’t see Adrian right now. I feel like I stuck my finger in an emotional light socket. I need to process everything that happened with Jack, then decide how I truly feel about Adrian’s violation of my privacy. I can’t possibly have another conversation with him tonight. I’ll give it some space before I make any more decisions.
***
I don't see Adrian at all for a few days, and he never calls or texts me either. It's odd because I don't even see him campus between classes like I usually do. Maybe he's avoiding me, possibly he’s decided to be pissed at me for my meeting with Jack.
"You're thinking about him again aren't you?" Robert asks with a hint of I told you so voice.
He’s making something to eat that smells like a homeless man’s ass. When I don't answer, Robert takes that as his cue to give me his advice.
"You need to go over there, let him apologize, and you guys can do that mad crazy sex thing that I know you've done, but refused to tell me about."
His teasing makes me smile for the first time in two days. "I'm not ready to talk to him yet. I guess because I don't know what to say. I get that he needed to check out my background because his brothers need him,
but he should’ve told me a long time ago.”
Robert sighs with appreciation. He seems to think that part of the story is romantic. “He knew all your dark secrets but loved you anyway.”
I groan, wishing everyone would stop using the “L” word.
Later that night, Gemma comes barging through the front door at Robert’s. She looks around the room and when she finds me she points a finger, looking extremely angry. Why does this feel like déjà vu?
“You need to go talk to Adrian,” she informs me.
"Well hello Gemma, it's nice to see you again you should come in," Robert says cheerfully.
She glances at him, but only long enough to nod, then her eyes are back, shooting daggers at me. “I’m sorry Robert, I'm just tired of Keegan sitting over here avoiding the storm she created, and leaving the rest of us to deal with it.”
“What are you talking about?” I’ve been hiding out so I could breathe for a few minutes, but I don’t know anything about a storm I created. Nope, Adrian is the one who whips those up.
"I'm talking about your boyfriend being completely drunk for three days straight now and driving the rest of us crazy."
Huh, I guess that's why haven't seen him on campus. Why haven’t I been drunk? I shoulda thought of that first.
"What exactly do you expect me to do?" I ask.
Gemma drops onto the couch, finally lowering her accusing finger. “He’s a fucking mess, Keegan.”
He’s always a fucking mess, I think, but I don’t think Gemma wants to hear that right now.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” she asks as she pulls her legs up onto the couch. “Are you really done with him or is this you getting out before he can?”
I tilt my head back and close my eyes. That’s what I’ve not yet been able to sort out. I honestly don’t want to be done with him because he makes me feel things I’ve not felt in a long time.
“I don’t know, Gemma. I just don’t know how to get past the fact that he knew all of that about me, and never told me. Plus, the way he acted that day with Jack. I mean, I get he was upset I was going to lunch with him. I get that, but…” I pause, remembering what I said to him. “I told Adrian, before I left with Jack, that I wanted to be with him. I asked him to please trust me.”
Those words were incredibly hard for me to say, but I said them because I knew Adrian needed to hear them. In the end, it still wasn’t enough to keep him from acting like a raging jealous idiot.
Gemma reaches out to take my hand, getting my attention. “He’s in love with you and he has no idea how to deal with that. Give him a break.”
I don’t know how to deal with it either, but I feel like I’m expected to figure it out for the both of us.
“Go talk to him,” she says, softly tugging at my hand again.
“I will, just not tonight. I have to go tutor some sophomore at the library in about thirty minutes.” I flutter my hand in the air, gesturing for her to go. “I’ll talk to him later tonight.”
Because I have no idea where things stand with Adrian, I decided I need to pay my own rent. So, I went back to my professor and asked if I could start tutoring again. Professor Stack was irritated at my inability to make decisions, but he’s happy to have me back.
Chapter 50
You’re Doing What?
About a half hour into the tutoring session I hear a text on my phone. I check it quickly in case one of the girls needs something. I'm surprised to find a text from Adrian.
Adrian: where are you? We need to talk.
Me: at the library don't have time right now.
Adrian: too bad i’m done with this shit
I’m not sure what that cryptic text means, but I certainly hope he's not coming to the library. This is my first day back to tutoring and I don't need an Adrian episode to deal with.
I get my focus back on helping Carter with his biology, but all the while watching for Adrian. I’m praying he doesn’t show, but also hoping he does. So when I see him come through the front door and start scanning the tables, I’m torn in my response, so I sit and wait.
As he scans the room, I try to judge his mood. He looks relaxed but determined. Hopefully this won’t be another Adrian tornado. When he finds me, he begins to smile until he sees Carter, the sophomore I’m tutoring, sitting next to me. Time to baton down the hatches.
Within seconds, Adrian is standing over our table looking from me to Carter, the poor student who is about to be punished for needing to be tutored. When his gaze finally settles on me, I see a swarm of emotion in his eyes.
"What are you doing here?" he asks though the answer is obvious.
My natural response is to use sarcasm, but I'm smart enough to know this is bad timing.
"I'm tutoring Carter,” I say, gesturing to the terrified boy.
"No, you're not,” he says as if he words make it true. “You quit your tutoring job."
I see his breathing increase with the rapid rise and fall of his chest. That swarm of the emotions that was just in his eyes has all transformed to anger. Most of the other library patrons are now frozen, watching the scene play out. No doubt Adrian’s history of impulsive, if not entertaining, behaviors is something of a must-see here at Miami U. It’s part of the college experience.
"I did quit my job, but I need to pay my rent,” I say, gesturing to the books in front of me, “So, I got my job back.”
He continues to loom over us, his muscles becoming tenser with every second. I can see him clench his fists and the muscle in his jaw is twitching. He is staring at me, but I don't think he sees me.
It’s so quiet in here you could hear a mouse fart. I quickly glance around, hoping to find a friendly face to help, but all I find are anxious faces, hoping for a big show. That is exactly what I was hoping to avoid, mostly because it won’t be another playful show like the one in the cafeteria. This one won’t likely won’t be overlooked by staff.
I want to tell him I miss him and let him apologize, then beg me to come back, but this is not the time or the place. He needs to go home and calm down, not force me to have a private conversation, in public. Instead, I wait, hoping he’ll either leave or calm down.
After a few uncomfortable moments, he spun to walk away, but his anger is still boiling through his blood. On his way through the library he turns toward one of the smaller tables, grabs the edge of it, and flips it up into the air so hard, that when it comes down, all four legs are sticking straight up, and all four chairs have fallen over. The roar of anger he releases while brutally attacking the table, echoes through the library, sending several people running.
I rub my face with both my hands, frustrated at his temper and my lack of communication skills.
I give him a few minutes to calm down before I text him again.
Me: i'm sorry. Can we please talk when I get home?
I'm not surprised that I don't get a response, but I hope my text will be enough to calm him down before I get home. I also hope that this little stunt isn't the final straw that gets him kicked out of the school.
***
Adrian
Walking across campus, still half drunk, and completely pissed, at Keegan, or myself I’m not sure, I decide to text Katie. I tell her to pick me up so we can go to the bar. I know it’s the worst plan I’ve ever had, but I’m desperate to get Keegan out of my mind, if just for one night.
I’ve been waiting for her to call me, or text or come find me, for three days now, sure she didn’t mean it when she said she’s done. Seeing her now, getting back to her life, without me in it, I see she is done. Fuck, I can barely stay sober long enough to take a shower, and she’s out here tutoring some snotty kid about major biology concepts.
Once the text is sent, I turn off my phone, refusing to keep looking at it, wondering if Keegan’s called. I know she won’t, so why torture myself.
Chapter 51
Tell Me Where He Is
When I get back to the apartment an hour later, Adrian's car
is gone. I go straight into the guys’ apartment where I find both my roommates and Kade.
"Where is he?" I ask, assuming they've already heard about the shootout at the O.K. Corral.
Shyanne wrinkles her nose, looking concerned. "We're not sure. Max left a few minutes ago to see if he can find him."
Pulling out a chair, I sit at the table. "Maybe he went home,” I suggest. He’s been drinking today, but he didn’t look drunk. That was almost an hour ago. He could’ve chugged a bottle of whiskey in that time. I hope he didn’t drive wherever he went.
Gemma shakes her head. "Max already called Diane."
“I’m sure he’s out drinking somewhere,” I state the obvious.
The three of them share a look that makes me think they're keeping something from me, but before I can interrogate them, Kade speaks up.
"What happened? What pissed him off this time?”
I lean back in the chair tilt my head back, looking up at the ceiling. “He came to the library and I was tutoring again.”
When no one comments, I pull my gaze from the ceiling back to the three of them. The confusion on their faces reminds me that they still don't know that I was originally his girlfriend for hire.
I rub my face with both hands and blow out my cheeks. "It's a long story, and I don't feel like rehashing it right now."
Oddly, I feel extremely exposed. Generally I share most of my thoughts and feelings with anyone within hearing distance, but these are the kinds of emotions I don't like to experience, let alone discuss.
Unable to sit still, I stand and make slow laps around the table. Eventually, I jump up onto the kitchen counter and sit, banging my heels against the cabinet.
"Why would he sit around getting drunk for three days straight? What the hell does that fix?" I ask, to no one in particular.
Kade gives some technical lecture about how alcohol affects the mood and decreases anxiety.
Our Kinda Love Page 17