Our Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  One day, when Adrian and I emerge, from a rather strenuous round of morning sex, we find Kade sulking in the living room.

  "Oh shit," Adrian says when he sees Kade. "It's Captain Mopey Pants."

  I slap him on the back of his head. "You need to be more supportive, even if he is being a stubborn ass," I say, narrowing my eyes on Kade.

  Adrian holds his hands in the air as if he's seeking surrender, “Hey, I was supportive for the first week. Then Danny Downer started playing 80s love songs and crying himself to sleep every night. A roommate can only handle so much.”

  "Shut the fuck up," Kade snaps. "Your jokes aren't funny anymore. Besides, tell me how you'd feel if Keegan left you?"

  “That's just it,” Adrian practically yells as he leans into him, getting his face. “She didn't leave you. You left her, genius." He enunciates each word.

  Looking uncomfortable, Kade changes the subject. “When are you all leaving for break?”

  This is finals week, which means the semester is almost over, which means everyone leaves to go home to their families. I’m going to my mom’s and Adrian is going to his aunts. He’ll spend a few days at home with his family, and then he’ll come to stay with me for a week.

  He’s been to my house and has met my mom and Christopher, but only once. With all our relationship drama and school, I’ve not had time to meet his family. But that all changes the week of Christmas.

  ***

  Adrian comes to pick me up Christmas night. I told him I’d drive, but he insisted. He’s got a four-wheel drive, and the snow is two feet deep, so I let him have this one.

  When we walk through the front door, everyone is waiting just inside. The woman, who must be his aunt Diane, is in front of the boys, wearing a smile that brightens the room. She’s a few inches shorter than me, has wavy black hair that’s cut to her chin, and she’s thinner than I am, which means she’s too thin.

  With his hand on my back, Adrian nudges me toward her. “This is my wife, Keegan,” he says as his introduction.

  I roll my eyes and stick out my hand to shake hers. “I’m not his wife,” I say, as Diane ignores my hand and pulls me into a hug. She’s not said anything, and she’s still smiling, so I’m assuming she’s familiar with his delusions.

  When she releases me, I nod toward Adrian. “I would apologize for him being a dipshit, but since he’s your dipshit, I don’t see the point.”

  She laughs, a soft, gentle laugh, then waves him off. “Trust me,” she says, “I stopped listening to the crap that comes out that boy’s mouth, years ago.”

  As I properly introduce myself, Adrian grabs hold of the biggest of the three boys, putting him a headlock.

  "That's Kylar,” Diane says, nodding to the boy holding his own against his big brother. “He idolizes Adrian.”

  "Oh that's not good," I say, kinda teasing.

  Diane laughs and gestures to the two younger boys standing nearby watching Adrian and Kylar wrestle.

  "And that's the twins, Dakota and Dylan.”

  The twins look like identical, smaller versions of Adrian. They are laughing and pointing at Kylar, who is now face down on the floor.

  Diane waves them off and grabs my hand, towing me off to the kitchen with her. She begins talking about the boys, and shuffling around the kitchen, preparing dinner. She pushes a large bowl of cooked potatoes in front of me and hands me the mixer. Looking between her and the electrical device, I consider my options. I could try to mix the potatoes, and pray I don’t hurt anyone, or I can tell her about my lifetime ban from cooking, and risk her disappointing look.

  Deciding the lives of Adrian’s family members is more important than my pride, I place the mixer on the counter and tap Diane on the shoulder, interrupting her talk of Kylar’s recent game. I give her a quick explanation of a couple fires, multiple stitches, two cases of possible food poisoning, and the blown circuit. After she recovers her horrified expression, Diane places a chair in the doorway of the kitchen, sits me on it, and instructs me to stay while she cooks. She continues bragging about the boys, and I continue to listen, enjoying every story.

  During the meal, the three younger boys tell Adrian stories about each other, trying to get the other in trouble. I don’t eat much because I can’t stop smiling and taking in all their interactions. I feel like I’m watching some family on television, and there’s an audience somewhere laughing hysterically at this show.

  After dinner, Diane begins to stand, clearing the table but quickly sits back down. Adrian doesn't miss the grimace of pain that crosses her face.

  "What's wrong, Diane? Are you okay?"

  Diane waves him off. "I'm fine, it's just a headache. I'm tired, and at my age it's a lot to drive to boys to football practice and one to soccer every day the week."

  She smiles, but I can tell it’s forced. I also feel like that line has been rehearsed.

  "I offered to quit football," Kylar says.

  "No," Diane and Adrian both say at the same time.

  Diane grimaces again, then sits back down.

  "Football is the only thing keeping you out of jail or out of the pregnancy clinic downtown,” Adrian says, “Any more free time and you would have multiple girls knocked up in this town."

  Kylar shakes his head. "No girl of mine is going to be getting pregnant." He wiggles his brow, attempting to look as sexy as a sixteen-year-old can. "I wrap it before I tap it."

  I can't help the bark of laughter that escapes. When I was that age I know I thought it was hot when a guy would talk that way, but now, looking at a sixteen-year-old boy trying to look and sound sexy, it's just comical.

  "Uh-huh," Adrian says. "And exactly how many times have you tapped it?"

  I smack Adrian's head again and this time he yelps like a puppy. "Don't ask your brother how many times he's had sex. That's extremely inappropriate."

  His aunt clears her throat and so we all turn to look at her. She's wearing a smirk and I'm glad to see this conversation hasn’t made her headache worse. "That's okay Keegan. This is one that I would love to hear. I mean if I've got myself an up and coming porn star, then this is information I surely need to know."

  Our gazes all shift to Kylar, and he no longer looks like the cocky adolescent sex fiend he was a mere few seconds ago. His eyes are looking everywhere but at any of us and he's shifting uncomfortably in his seat. I can now see why Diane has allowed this conversation to go on. It's obvious he’s never had sex.

  "Well,” he says, not making eye contact, “I almost did a couple of times, with this one girl. And I totally had a condom ready that time."

  I cough to cover my laugh. I feel like I'm looking at and listening to a teenage Adrian.

  “Right,” Diane says, standing again. “I’m going to bed, you boys clean up the dishes,” She points to the three younger boys, giving them a look only used by mothers who aren’t messing around.

  “Yes, ma’am,” they all say, in unison.

  Once Diane’s in bed and the kitchen is clean, Adrian and I spend the evening playing Heads Up with the boys. Thank God Diane’s room is on the other side of the second floor because we are loud. I laughed so hard I know I peed my pants a little. Of course, I had to announce it, grossing out the younger boys, but earning a kiss from Adrian.

  I’m sad when I leave the next week. It’s been my mom, Christopher, and I since I was fifteen, and it was a somber household. I’d forgotten what it’s like to have family laugh together. I’ve fallen in love with Diane and the boys and promise to visit often.

  ***

  Adrian

  Before I go back to school, at the end of Christmas break, I double-check to be sure Diane has a doctor appointment scheduled. Although she tries to minimize them, I can tell her headaches are getting worse.

  Also, before returning to school, I help her plan out the next semester for the boys—filling lunch accounts, scheduling carpools for sports, making sure they all have shoes and clothes that fit, and lecturing the boys on schoolwork
. I also go grocery shopping the day before I leave, to stock the house with extras of everything.

  The weekend before spring semester starts, I load up my car, give everyone hugs, and drive away, feeling like my life is going to change soon, but having no idea if it’s going to be for the good or the bad.

  Chapter 63

  The Phone Call

  After the holidays, we all fall into a normal routine, finally. This last semester we keep the drama to a minimum.

  In addition to completing our last semester of undergrad, Robert and I begin to plan our first semester of med school. He’s decided to attend the University of Cincinnati with me because they have a great program that specializes in medical research.

  Adrian and I have not yet had a conversation about where he’ll live after graduation. If he stays with his aunt, he’ll be about forty-five minutes from me. That doesn't seem like far, but with my intense medical program, I won't have a lot of free time to be driving back-and-forth.

  He should begin applying to school districts where he wants to work because schools are hiring now for positions that will begin this fall. Every time I ask him if he's submitted applications, he waves me off. I'm not sure if this is his resistance to grow up, or if he's torn between following me or staying with his family. I can’t help him with that decision. He’s a grown boy and should be making his own life choices.

  Near the end of the semester, he finally tells me that he’s been offered a position right outside Cincinnati, on the way to his aunts. He wants to live with me, but will have the option of staying at aunts if he’s needed. The school is almost exactly halfway between. I have to admit, I’m proud of him for coming up with this solution. My little boy is growing up.

  Gemma has also decided to go to grad school, at Cincinnati, to get her masters in counseling. We decide we’ll try to find a three-bedroom apartment so we can split the rent again. None of us will be working more than part time jobs, meaning our rent will likely be paid by our student loans. Robert has requested that we find an apartment in which one of the rooms, Adrian’s and mine, is located far from the other two.

  ***

  After finals, just before graduation, Adrian got a call one Friday afternoon. It was his aunt asking him to come home because she needed to talk to him about something regarding the boys. After that call, Adrian became extremely quiet and his mood changed for the rest the day. I asked if he wanted me to go home with him, but he told me no, he would take care of it.

  When Adrian returned on Sunday, his mood was way worse. He was cranky and no longer acting like he couldn't keep his hands off me. Actually, just the opposite, he seemed to be keeping his distance from me.

  "What happened with the boys?"

  "I just needed to have a talk with Kylar. He's been giving my aunt lots of problems about his curfew."

  When Adrian tells me this, he doesn’t make eye contact, and he sounds like it was something he rehearsed. Adrian is either lying to me or not telling me everything that happened while he was home. Why would he lie? And what does it have to do with the way he's acting?

  Not being one to ignore confrontation, I call him on it. "Okay, that's an interesting story, but now are you going to tell me the truth?" His head snaps up and he has a look of surprise on his face. "I know you well enough Adrian to know when you're lying to me."

  We stare each other for a few seconds as he tries to decide how to get out of this mess. When his look of surprise changes to irritation, I know I'm not going to get the truth, or at least not the whole story.

  “Keegan, I don't know what you want me to say. It was a shitty weekend and I don't want to talk about it. I need to take a shower. I'll come back over later,” he says and leaves without a hug and a kiss or any sarcastic smart-ass comment about my ass or sex. Something definitely happened while he was home.

  Later that evening when I'm in my room studying, Adrian knocks on my door. When I turn to look at him, he's leaning on the doorjamb, hands in his pockets.

  “Can I come in?” he asks.

  Since when the hell did we ask permission to enter each other’s rooms? “Sure,” I say, shrugging as if I’m not terrified of what’s about to happen.

  “Listen, I'm sorry about earlier.” He paces a few steps, one hand on the back of his neck, the other in his pocket. He doesn’t look up when he speaks again. “I’ve got a question?”

  I nod, feeling a sense of dread settle in.

  Adrian presses his shoulders back and dips his chin, watching me closely. “Do you still not want kids?”

  Huh? I look around the room as if maybe I’ll find the missing pieces to this conversation. When my gaze lands on him again, he’s watching me, waiting for my answer.

  I shake my head, and simply answer, “Nope.”

  His expression shifts from confident, to defeated. “Why?”

  Why? Because I never have, and you’ve known this from day fucking one. That’s what I want to scream at him, but instead I tell him what I’ve told him before. “I just don’t. Being a mom has never been on my list of future goals.”

  He tugs his ear again. “What about adoption?”

  I shake my head. “Nope. I don’t want any kids that come out of my vagina, or anyone else’s.”

  He looks hurt, confusing me more. I don’t understand where this is coming from.

  Adrian nods then turns and walks out the door.

  I turn away from the door and run my hands through my hair to keep from throwing something. All I can hear is the pounding of my heart and the blood whooshing in my ears.

  He’s a tornado again, and I have no idea what happened to bring back the storm.

  Chapter 64

  The Last Piece

  I leave Adrian alone that night, hoping he’ll sort himself out and come explain his shit to me. By the next morning, I’m a mess, needing answers. I’ve been texting him, but no response. I go to his apartment to find him, planning to threaten his roommates with bodily harm to tell me where he is. Turns out I don’t have to because he’s home. When I walk into his room and see him packing a suitcase, my confusion turns to anger.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, scanning the room for answers I know aren’t there.

  When he lifts his eyes to meet mine, I know that my life has just been turned upside down. How is it that one look can change the rhythm of your heartbeat, the pace of your breathing, and the clarity of your thinking?

  When he doesn’t answer me, I ask again, only louder. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  He visibly swallows. “I was getting ready to come see you.”

  “You need a suitcase to come visit me across the hall?” I ask, nodding at the large bag sitting open next to him.

  His expression is unreadable as if he’s pulled on a mask. He begins to speak, but I already know what’s coming.

  “Why?” I snap, wanting answers so I can run away, far and fast.

  “I decided I want a family,” he explains, shocking me. “That’s why I was asking you last night. It’s been bugging me. I can’t explain why, I just know I want a family. You made it clear last night—”

  I cut him off. “I made it clear, way-the-fuck-before last night, that I don’t want kids. So, why now? Why, outta the fuckin’ blue, did you decide that having kids is more important than me?”

  He flinches, and I almost regret the question. I know it’s an extremely selfish question, but I don’t care. I need to put myself first sometimes because hell if anyone else will.

  He closes his eyes and I can see the muscle in his jaw twitch. He’s pissed? This piece of shit forces me to fall in love with him, knowing I don’t want children. He begs me to trust him, knowing that trusting a man, to me, is tantamount to making a deal with the devil. Then he promises me that he’ll never walk away. NEVER, his words, not mine. I even told him that’s a big promise to make for someone who’s not God, but he insisted that he’d cut off his own nut sack before he’d walk away, knowing that’s the one way to cause me t
he most pain. Now, here we are. Adrian, the boy of many promises but only half a heart, suitcase in one hand, waving goodbye with the other.

  When he opens his eyes, the mask is gone and I see regret. Regret for the promises or for breaking them? Honestly, I don’t give a shit. He’s gone, he may still be standing here in front of me, but in his mind, he’s already gone.

  “Keegan.” He pauses, running his hands through his hair, looking tortured.

  I feel like an entire week passes as we stand there and stare at each other, me waiting for him to speak, and him searching for the balls to say what he needs to say. The longer he looks at me, the more I see remorse in his eyes, which makes me want to pull his hair and poke his eyes out. But, I do neither of those because I need to hear what he's going to say. I've had enough of guys walking away from me, leaving me behind without the words. This time I'm getting the fucking words.

  "Tell me, Adrian. Look me in the eyes and tell me right now that you’re the next man in my life who is walking away. Tell me that I'm not a priority and you have to leave me behind. I'm asking you to do me the favor of giving me closure for the first time in my life."

  "I'm sorry, Keegan.” He visibly swallows and blinks several times as he looks away. When he finally looks back, I think he's going to tell me that this was all a misunderstanding and he just had a moment of freaking out. But then I watch him steel himself and see the resolve as it settles in.

  "I need you to know this is never how I meant for this to go. I did always believe this would be it for us. This would be it for me. I don't want you to think this whole time I’ve been with you I've been pretending because I haven't. This has been very real for me. The most real any relationship has ever been."

  I want to scream at him and tell him to shut up and take it all back because if he's leaving then none of those words make sense. But because my body is frozen in fear of his next words, I can't move.