My eyes filled with tears. Blinking them away, I said, "You're amazing."
"Hardly. I'm just trying to do the best I can." Then, surprisingly, he chuckled. "Sounds like a cheesy movie line."
"A little." I smiled. "Doesn't mean it's not true. Also doesn't mean you're not amazing."
He refilled our glasses, carefully making sure mine was only half full, and I said, "So he's gone for good now?"
"I would have cheerfully torn him to pieces myself, and I'm not sure I don't mean that literally, but Nora just never wanted to see him or hear about him again."
I nodded. "I can imagine."
"She got a new phone number and email address and all that, and the three of them stayed with me for a month or so, never left the condo, and with all the security at my building he couldn't get to them. He's moved on, and rumor has it he treats his new girlfriend just as badly." He shook his head. "Thank God he's not the kids' father and Nora never married him. My mother used to be so upset that she was 'living in sin' with him, but at least poor Nora didn't have to go through a divorce."
I sighed.
"Sorry."
"It's true, though. It'll be over soon, but it still stinks."
"Of course. Nobody gets married expecting to divorce."
I put a good dent in my champagne before saying, "I did."
Kegan's eyebrows went up, and I qualified it with, "Well, more or less. I knew it wasn't working out before we got married, and I didn't think it'd be much better after. But..."
"Why marry him then?"
"I did love him. Or thought I did, anyhow. Plus it got me out of my parents' house, and he swore blind that after he finished his degree I could go to culinary school. Of course, once that happened he was used to having me at home all the time."
"And conveniently forgot about his promise, I assume."
"Said he'd agreed we could discuss it."
"'I said no, Mary' is not a discussion."
I feigned shock. "I didn't know you were hiding outside our window. Yeah, that's pretty much how it went down. We can't afford it, you don't need to go, once we have kids you won't need a job..."
"So that's why you left, I guess."
"Kind of. The final straw was last New Year's Eve, actually. I'd been taking over for the chef at a local restaurant who was off on maternity leave. I sometimes ended up staying late when I got caught up in stuff, and even if we had no plans Charles hated it. On New Year's, we did have plans to go to his friend's place, and I promised to be home by seven. When I got there, though, he'd already gone, leaving me a nasty note about my lateness and how inconsiderate I was."
Kegan waited, clearly knowing there was more.
"I got home at six-forty-five," I said, and he winced. "He never meant to wait for me. Didn't even care if I was there. He just assumed I'd be a jerk. I sat home all night, trying to think of one good reason to stay married. I couldn't find a single one, so I got myself organized over the next few days and left on January sixth."
"Good for you."
I finished my champagne and it fueled my words. "You want to talk controlling? You've got nothing on him. I never wear nail polish on my fingernails because of cooking, but I used to like wearing red on my toenails. He nagged and bitched about how much he hated the look of it, and so I eventually gave it up. The first thing I bought myself in Toronto was red nail polish, but I did two toes and felt so awful I couldn't do any more. All I could hear was his voice telling me it was trashy."
"You're wearing it now, right? Show me your feet."
I laughed. "You can't see them, they're in the tights! And no, I'm not." I sobered. "I threw the stuff out. I wish I could do it, but..." I shrugged.
He rubbed my shoulder. "I had a girlfriend, a patron here actually, who insisted I looked best in black. No big deal at first, but over time she took over my wardrobe and before I knew it I was some pathetic thirty-something goth dude."
I laughed, and he smiled. "Without the black eyeliner, of course. Trust me, I get why you don't wear the nail polish. But I wear colors again, and you'll have red toenails someday too."
I rested my elbow on the desk and my chin on my hand. "I hope you're right."
He took my other hand. "I know I am." He shook his head. "Are all relationships disasters, do you think?"
"I can't believe that. I used to have a friend, before she moved away, whose husband bought her a dozen red roses every New Year's Eve, one for each amazing month he wanted to have with her in the new year. And they did have amazing months, from what I could tell."
"So there's one good one."
"That's enough to keep the hope alive, right?"
He smiled at me. "I think so."
We sat looking at each other, then Kegan said, "So Charles is just going to let you go?"
"Looks like it. He hasn't contested the divorce or anything."
He squeezed my hand. "Does that bother you?"
"Honestly? Maybe it should but it doesn't. I guess on some level I want him to be upset I'm gone, but then I'm not upset to be gone."
"No?"
I shook my head and told him about the 'I want you back' email and my reaction, then said, "And it's good anyhow, because I shouldn't be in a relationship right now." True, but I wanted to. With him. Hoping he'd make sure it didn't happen, I added, "I've wanted this career forever and now I have it and I don't want to risk it."
He nodded slowly. "No doubt. I've had too many relationships that threaten this place. Patrons and... other people. I shouldn't do that again."
Something inside me whimpered at his words, but I made myself say, "So we'll both be single then. It can be our New Year's resolution."
"Yup." He drained the rest of his champagne. "We'd be crazy to do anything else."
"Yup. Crazy."
Our eyes met.
Insanity, and desire, swept through me.
He leaned forward and stroked my cheek without breaking our eye contact. "Speaking of crazy, Charles must be certifiable. Not to mention blind."
I swayed toward him involuntarily as my body erupted with heat and hunger at his touch. "Thank you," I managed, loving his words but afraid the champagne and his previous drinks were doing the talking.
He took a breath to speak, but was interrupted by a ragged chorus outside of "Ten! Nine!"
We both glanced at our watches. Sure enough, nearly midnight. Time for kissing.
I looked at him, and my heart skipped a beat at the new purpose and passion in his eyes. He said softly, "Seven, six," along with the chanters as he stood and extended his hand to me.
Even without the champagne in my blood, I'd have been tingling everywhere. With it, I could barely think. I wanted his kiss, no question. I'd wanted it for a long time. But what about our resolution?
Oh, who ever keeps those things anyhow?
I stood too, taking his hand as I did, and murmured, "Three," certainty filling me and my lips curving into a smile to answer his growing one. Crazy or not, here we come.
He supplied the "two" as he squeezed my hand and drew me closer.
We said "one" in unison. My heart raced.
He took my face in both hands, his warm skin against mine sending shivers through me, and said softly, "Happy New Year, Mary."
"Happy New Year," I breathed, and he kissed me as the crowd outside cheered.
I'd thought he'd be spectacular. I hadn't known the half of it. Kegan kissed like he did everything: thorough and powerful and with exquisite attention to detail. Never, never had a kiss felt this good. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on, losing myself in the moment and the feel of his strong sleek body against me.
His kisses changed constantly. Passionate hunger gave way to teasing me with the lightest possible contact gave way to slow sweet exploration gave way to hunger again. Always different but always amazing. Kissing was supposed to be fun, and Kegan made it more fun than a million amusement parks.
Until he stopped.
During a deep hard
kiss I moaned against his mouth, lost in sensation and unable to control myself. He jerked me closer and kissed me even harder for a few glorious seconds, then broke the kiss and set me away from him. "I should go."
I longed to beg him to stay but instead I managed to say "Okay" despite my breathlessness. I didn't beg because I knew he meant it. He wasn't playing, I could see it in his eyes. He wasn't flirting, didn't want me to try to make him stay. He was leaving.
"I don't want to, trust me, but I should. So I will."
And he did. He paused at the door to say, "I'll see you on the second. Happy New Year," and he was gone before I could say a word.
I sank into my chair, overwhelmed, before my desire-weakened knees gave way. I'd wondered how he'd kiss, how we'd be together, but I could never have imagined anything like that. Why had he left like that? I'd been pressed tightly enough against him to know he'd wanted me, and I'd clearly wanted him. More than that, though, we'd connected. Couldn't we have kissed for even a minute or two longer?
I glanced at my watch, then stared at it. Twenty after twelve. We'd been locked in each other's arms for that long?
He was incredible. He was also my boss. What the hell would happen when I saw him on January second?
Chapter Sixteen
Kegan and I didn't talk at all on January first. I spent the day giving my apartment a good cleaning and the evening hanging out with Tanisha. At first I was distracted by thoughts of Kegan, but Tanisha's New Years' resolution put paid to that.
"I want to be honest with people about who I am."
"That's cool. Sounds like a good plan."
She pressed her lips together and sat silent.
"Not a good plan?"
"Terrifying plan."
She brushed some cat fur from her jeans and I realized her hands were shaking. "What exactly do you want to be honest about?"
When she didn't speak, I said, "Would you rather not talk about it?"
She shook her head. "I have to. It's killing me not to. Everyone thinks I'm a..." Clearly searching for words, she looked at Saffron, curled up on my lap purring and shedding orange fur all over my polar-bear-print lounging pants. "People assume I'm a cat, and I'm really a polar bear. I can't go through life as the wrong animal. Not any more."
"How are polar bears different?"
She took a deep breath and sighed it out, then raised her chin and said, "I... they're lesbians. At least, this one is."
I couldn't say the wrong thing, it would destroy her. I had a strong feeling she hadn't come out to many people. But I didn't know the right thing. I had nothing against gay people but I had never knowingly talked to one until I came to Toronto. "You're a lesbian polar bear."
She nodded, her eyes searching my face.
My mind flitted from word to word then I caught sight of her iPhone on my coffee table and knew what to say. "I bet there's an app for that."
She burst out laughing. "No doubt."
I laughed with her, then she sobered. "Are you okay with it, with me?"
"Of course! I'm of the cat persuasion myself but there's nothing wrong with polar bears. Did you really think I wouldn't be okay?"
She sighed. "No. Do me a favor?"
"Sure." Unless it involved switching to the polar bear team. I would so miss kissing Kegan. Assuming he wanted to kiss me again.
"Can you tell my mother for me?"
I'd almost rather switch teams.
She laughed. "I know. I can't figure out how to tell her either."
"Maybe leave the polar bear thing out of it," I suggested, smiling. "But it'll be okay, right? She loves you."
"I know. But it's all so complicated. And with the grad school stuff..."
She trailed off, and I found myself confused. "Have you always known you're a polar bear?"
"I should practice saying it. Have I always known I'm gay? Yeah. Since high school. I did date a few boys but only because I felt like I had to."
"But you said you slept with your professor and that's why he left."
She rubbed her hand over her mouth. "No, I said I was stupid and had sex with someone I shouldn't have. Not him. His wife."
Ah. "I guess he caught you."
"I wish. No, it was the biggest jerk in the department. He'd asked me out three times and didn't like that I wouldn't go. The wife and I were in my office, after hours, when nobody was ever around, and he barged in to try yet again to convince me. Then he told the entire department why I wouldn't. And who I'd been with."
I sighed. "Dear God." No wonder she didn't feel able to show her face at the school.
"Yeah. I never saw my prof again. He quit his job and he and the wife moved away. I got an anonymous letter in my mailbox a few days later saying that they'd had an open relationship for years, on her side anyhow, but that she'd promised never to sleep with one of his students. Once she broke that rule, he did what he'd said he'd do and moved them to another town even though it probably screwed up his career."
"Who knew all that? To send the letter, I mean?"
She gave me a sad smile. "It was in his handwriting. She seduced me, and he knew it. Not that I resisted. But anyhow, I got tons of other notes, calling me a slut and a whore and other charming words, especially the one that rhymes with trigger, and I couldn't stay there."
"They called you... that word?"
"It's the easiest insult to throw at a black person. He was hugely popular and everyone knew he left because of me, and... and now I have two years to go and nobody wants to supervise my research and I can't stand being in the place anyhow. So I pay my tuition fees so I can at least tell myself I could go back and I work at the grocery store and try not to hate myself too much. But it's not working."
I shook my head. "I'm so sorry. What a mess."
"I know. So... how do I fix it?"
I didn't have a clue.
"All right, then, how do I tell my mother?"
"Do you need to?"
"I think so. It's weird knowing she doesn't know such a fundamental thing about me."
"Okay. Do you want to tell her the whole thing? The bit with the wife and all that?"
She gave a mock shudder. "No way. But I do need to explain why I can't finish my degree."
"You can finish it."
She shook her head but I went on. "Not there. I can see that. But isn't there anywhere else you can do the degree, and the research you want to do?"
"Yeah. British Columbia. And I doubt she wants her only child to move across the country."
"Yikes."
We spent the evening hunting for a solution, while also watching TV and eating pizza, but didn't get far. At ten o'clock she said, "I'd better head out. I have work tomorrow."
"Yeah, I do too." And I had no idea how it would go so I should probably get some sleep.
Once she'd put on her boots and coat I reached out to hug her, as we'd been doing since our first few get-togethers.
She froze for an instant then squeezed me tight. "I was afraid you wouldn't want to."
I leaned back to look at her. "Why? Is it contagious or something?"
She laughed. "No more than your straightness is."
"There you go." I hugged her again.
"You're awesome, Mary."
I hoped Kegan agreed.
*****
On my way to Steel the next morning, after a restless night of puzzling over Tanisha's dilemma and wondering about me and Kegan, I remembered that the rest of the staff would be there. Since we had an inspector visit on Monday he'd brought everyone in for the weekend to get the place ready. I couldn't decide if having them all there would make seeing Kegan easier or more difficult.
What would he say to me?
Would he tell me he'd drunk too much on New Year's and hadn't meant to kiss me? I didn't want to hear that.
Maybe he had meant to, and would ask me out. If he did, it might be crazy but I wanted to go for it. I liked him, and his kisses, too much not to. But what would happen at work? Thus far,
I'd been able to shrug it off when he became excessively controlling, but if I were romantically involved with him would that be impossible?
The only thing I knew for sure: I didn't want Crystal to know anything. I thought Dorothy would be happy if I dated Kegan, and the rest of the staff probably wouldn't care, but Crystal certainly wouldn't like it and she'd be sure to let me know.
When I walked into Steel, Crystal was all smiles but they felt thin and fake. Dorothy's greeting, on the other hand, was too cheerful to be made up. She hugged me hard. "Happy New Year, Mary. Do anything special?"
It would have been a lot easier to answer if Kegan hadn't been lounging against the wall a few feet away. I kept my eyes on her instead of letting them roam to him. "No, not really. You?"
She'd spent the night babysitting her two young grandsons, and she didn't stop sharing stories of their antics, which sounded more exhausting than cute, until Kegan said, "Okay, folks, let's get to work. Happy New Year, by the way. I hope you all had good holidays, because we'll be working hard from now until mid-February."
"Party pooper." Crystal took a step closer to him so she could lean in and bump her shoulder against his.
Dorothy had told me before Christmas that Crystal had tried to get a relationship going with Kegan not long after Steel opened and had been politely but firmly shut down. Even knowing he wasn't interested, I didn't enjoy seeing her touch him and act like she owned him.
He moved away, heading toward the huge front windows. "Yup. That's my job. To start, we need to wash the windows and put the curtains back up. The glass in the front door needs to be cleaned too."
"Why now? Why not right before we reopen?"
"We'll redo it then. But the inspector will have less to complain about if it's perfectly clean. The less he sees, the better for us."
Crystal didn't look convinced, but I was since I knew that the inspector wasn't impressed with Kegan and the New Year's Eve cancellations. "What do you want me to do?"
Toronto Collection Volume 1 (Toronto Series #1-5) Page 89