She appeared shocked by his words.
Without saying anything else, he stood and walked to the door, calling out good-night over his shoulder.
SHUTTING AND LOCKING THE door, Jennifer rested her forehead against the cool wood. She felt terrible. She’d hardly been the perfect hostess tonight. Hardly been a decent human being, trying to sneak out of her half of the bargain. Had Nick asked too much—dinner and a movie—in return for setting up the swing set?
She lightly rapped her forehead against the door. Maybe it’d knock some sense into her head. What was wrong with her?
A small voice behind her called her name.
“Steffi, what are you doing up? Did I wake you?”
“No, it’s not your fault, Jennifer.” She sounded so mature, well beyond her years.
“What is it, then? Can’t sleep?”
“I—I had a dream. A nightmare, actually.” She lowered her head and Jennifer thought she heard a sniffle. Before she could reach out to her, Steffi ran to her and wrapped her arms around her hips.
“What is it, sweetie? You can tell me.”
Steffi let the tears come. She whispered, “I dreamt of them again. My parents…in the accident.”
Jennifer knelt down and took the child into her arms, cradling her head and wiping her tears. Fresh ones wet her cheek with each sob. “Steffi, it’s okay—”
The girl raised her red eyes to her. “No, it’s not! You don’t understand!” Her voice rose and Jennifer feared she’d become hysterical. What should she do?
She carried Steffi to the sofa and sat down. Wiping her long blond hair from her eyes, she took the girl’s cheeks in her palms. When she saw the sadness that racked Steffi, she couldn’t stop her own tears from falling. “Why don’t you tell me about it, sweetie? What’s in your dream?”
Steffi nodded. “It’s dark, past our bedtime…but I sneak out of bed and walk down the road. I see Mommy and Daddy’s car heading toward home….” Her voice hitched. “Then a big truck crashes into them from out of nowhere. I’m screaming for them and I run to their car….
“That part of the dream is always the same. I run to the car and find them.” A sob stole her voice then and robbed her of breath. When she steadied herself, she said, “But for the past month every night I run farther and farther to get to the car. Tonight I never got there.”
She looked into Jennifer’s eyes and fresh tears bathed her cheeks. “I never saw them. Not tonight.”
Jennifer wished the social workers had included grief counseling in their brief session when she’d gone to pick up the girls. She certainly needed it now. But she’d had no idea that Steffi suffered so much, that she was up every night with terrible nightmares. She followed her instincts.
“Steffi, I think it’s part of the process of grieving—of losing your parents. You may not reach them in your dream, but you’ll always have them in your heart.”
Steffi nodded but she clearly wasn’t mollified. “But I’m forgetting what they look like. I can’t close my eyes and picture them anymore.”
Jennifer felt her heart break in two. Overcome by the child’s grief, she could only take her in her arms and cry with her.
After a few minutes, she got an idea. “Do you have any pictures of your parents?” she asked.
Steffi shook her head. “The lady who took us from our house didn’t let us take much.”
How horrible, Jennifer thought. To lose your parents and your home at such a young age. Plus, she knew how seriously Steffi took the role of older sister. On top of all her emotional pain, Steffi still had to be strong for Annie and Missy.
Someone needed to be strong for her now. Not someone. Her.
“I tell you what,” she soothed, forcing a facsimile of a smile. “You leave it to me and I’ll see what I can do about getting a picture for you so you won’t ever forget them.” First thing tomorrow morning she’d put in a call to social services and to her uncle. “Okay?”
When Steffi nodded, Jennifer stood up. “Now, let’s get you back to bed.”
After she had kissed Steffi good-night, she went back into the kitchen. Absently she took a sip of her leftover coffee and spit it into the sink when she found it ice cold. She plopped into a chair and buried her face in her hands, letting her tears flow freely.
Whatever had led her to believe she could do this? What skills did she have to be a mother to Steffi, Annie and Missy?
She fell to pieces at their pain, didn’t have the answers to make everything all right. Wasn’t that what a parent was supposed to do? A good parent, anyway.
Before this, her life was in complete control. She’d been able to handle every crisis that occurred, though admittedly there weren’t many of them.
But with the girls, problems seemed to pop up often. She was struggling to keep herself organized and take care of everything.
What if she couldn’t do it? What if she failed as a mother? In the past, if she had an off day, it only affected her. Now an off day affected Steffi, Missy and Annie. Jennifer couldn’t allow that, not when the girls had already suffered so much.
Normally, she was a glass-half-full person, but now being positive seemed impossible. She was in way over her head. And she was drowning.
Not only with the girls but with Nick.
No matter how she tried, she couldn’t deny the attraction she felt for Nick Barry. She was drowning, all right. Going down for the third time, with no life raft in sight. As a new mother she had no business thinking about a man! She would banish the attraction from her thoughts—it simply had no place in her new life. Drawing a deep breath, she relaxed her fists.
No matter what happened, she vowed she would keep her family together. She wasn’t going to be like her father or her mother. But that fear had been growing in her. The first day had been easy, but the girls asked questions she couldn’t always answer. Especially Missy, asking about Nick.
And now she’d been rude to Nick again.
She decided that was at least one thing she could correct easily enough. Drawing another steadying breath, she got up and headed for Nick’s apartment.
It took several minutes for him to answer. But she wasn’t giving up. She knew he was in there.
Finally he opened the door. He didn’t say anything, though, just stood there, staring at her, waiting for her to make the first move.
“Nick, I’m sorry!”
“For what?”
Okay, so he was going to make her spell it out. That was fine. He deserved an explanation.
“I was rude to you again. I’ve—I’ve never— I’m afraid I’m not going to be a good mother.”
He stared at her. “Are you crazy? Of course you’re going to be a good mother!”
“No, I’m not!” she said, and burst into tears.
Chapter Six
Putting together the swing set was easier. Hell, building the Great Pyramids was probably easier. But just like with his sisters, Nick wouldn’t back away from comforting a sobbing female. He gingerly put his arms around Jennifer and patted her back. She just turned into his chest and cried even more.
He tried consoling her with words. “It’s okay, Jen. You’re just under a lot of pressure.”
But she didn’t seem to hear him over her sobs.
She resisted when he tried to draw her into his apartment, so he moved them both into her apartment and guided them to the sofa.
Still, she refused to look at him. She buried her face in his shoulder, still crying. For a while, he just held her. “You’re a great mother, Jen. I know that and the girls know that.” If he wasn’t mistaken her sobs began to ease. “Whatever you think is wrong, can surely be corrected. All it takes is love and time. Come on now,” he soothed, “tell me. Are you having problems?”
“I don’t seem to have answers for everything,” she said with a hiccup.
“You don’t have to.”
At that she sat up and stared at him. “I—don’t?”
“Nope. Just because you’re a mom,
that doesn’t mean you’re not a human being anymore. No one has all the answers, Jen, no matter how much we wish we did. All you can do is love the girls and let them know you’ll always be there for them.”
“That’s—that’s rather a simplistic approach, isn’t it?” she said.
“Look, I’m not a parent, but I do know most parents start out with one child at a time. Even if they have three at once, they’re little babies for a year. You’ve taken on three at once, but all three can talk and make demands and ask questions. It’s not that you’re not going to be a good mother. It’s that the kids have a head start on you.”
“You really think so, Nick?”
He nodded. “I know so. You’ve got those maternal instincts in spades.” He wiped away her tears. “If you doubt yourself, why don’t you call Child Services and see if they offer parenting classes? Or maybe the YWCA has classes. There’s got to be one somewhere.”
“But then I’d have to hire a baby-sitter and I don’t even know any.”
“You know me.”
“Yes, but— You mean you’d baby-sit for me?”
“Sure. I love being with the kids.”
“That’s very generous, but it’s not fair to you.”
“I’m the one offering. It’s no big deal.”
“O-okay. I’ll check on those classes tomorrow. And I’m sorry I cried.”
He smiled at her. “It’s just nature’s way of releasing tension. It’s good for you.”
“Did your sisters cry a lot?”
“Of course. They were girls. I think girls are lucky that it’s okay for them to cry. Guys have to go work up a sweat to get any release.”
“Crying is very messy.”
He leaned over and grabbed a tissue from a box on the lamp table, shocked when she allowed him to dry her tears. “Messy looks good on you.”
Her cheeks flushed and she jumped to her feet. “I won’t keep you, Nick. Thanks for helping me again. I’ll try not to make a habit of it.”
Nick stood. What choice did he have? “I figure I’m storing up credit for when I need help.”
“O-of course. Just let me know.”
“Good night, Jen. I’ll see you soon.”
She didn’t answer.
JENNIFER FELT GUILTY.
She’d found a great parenting class that would go on for six weeks. Tonight had been her first meeting and she’d loved it. Already she’d learned so much.
But that wasn’t the reason she was tiptoeing into her apartment. She hadn’t told Nick, or taken him up on his offer to keep the kids. Instead, she’d called an old girlfriend and found out what sitter she used. After inviting the sixtyish woman to lunch to see if she and the kids got along, Jennifer had asked the woman to baby-sit twice a week for the duration of the lessons.
She hadn’t taken Nick’s generous offer.
She’d rather he didn’t know, and that was the reason for tiptoeing. She inserted her key in the lock, opened the door and slipped inside. Breathing a sigh of relief, she turned and greeted Mrs. Peters, who was watching television.
“Mrs. Peters, how did it go tonight?”
“Just fine. The girls are lovely. I’ll be happy to baby-sit anytime you want.”
Jennifer smiled. “Well, I think twice a week will be fine, but I’ll let you know if anything else comes up.”
She paid her the money, a generous amount because she wanted the best baby-sitting possible, and said good-night to the woman.
Just as she was going out the door, Mrs. Peters stopped. “Oh, there is one thing. Your neighbor across the hall, Nick—a lovely man, I might add—stopped by. The girls seemed very happy to see him. Missy kept calling him Daddy, which confused me until he explained it was just a game they played. Even Annie seemed happy to see him, and, as you said, she’s dreadfully shy.”
“I see. What did he say?”
“About what?”
Jennifer wanted to yell at the woman, but that would’ve been impolite. “What did he say about finding you baby-sitting?”
“Why, nothing, except that he could tell I was doing a good job.” The woman beamed at her, then, saying good-night, closed the door behind her.
So sneaking in hadn’t mattered! Nick found out, anyway.
“Damn it, now I owe him another apology!” Then she looked around guiltily to be sure no one had heard her remark. It would be just her luck for Missy to pop out from behind a door to catch her.
Maybe she should just not apologize, let the distance between them grow. She didn’t need him to be a part of her life. He was only a neighbor, not a boyfriend or the father of her children.
What a nightmare that would be!
The only problem was the kids liked him.
And so did she. She hadn’t dated in a while because her mother had pushed her so determinedly toward an “eligible bachelor.” Which in her mother’s lexicon meant a wealthy, socially placed bachelor. But she’d enjoyed his company. And she’d miss him if he went away.
Admitting that made her creep across the hall and rap softly on his door. If he didn’t answer, she could talk to him tomorrow but—
He swung open his door. “Yes?”
Jennifer could hear the stiffness in his voice.
She sighed. “I know you came over and met Mrs. Peters.”
“Yes. I didn’t mean to intrude, but—”
“Nick, I owe you another apology.”
“Not at all. I’m just a neighbor.”
She could hear his unspoken comment. He would keep to himself. That would be better for him. He could play with the flight attendants upstairs and have a lot more fun. But that wasn’t what she wanted anymore.
“Will you join me in a cup of decaf coffee?”
He seemed surprised by her invitation. After a pause, he agreed and came across to her apartment.
Once they each had a mug of coffee in front of them, she said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Mrs. Peters before tonight. I felt guilty about using her instead of you, but I owe you so much already, I just didn’t want to impose. And now, if I want to go someplace without the girls, which the teacher of our class said was healthy, not selfish, then I have a sitter available.”
“Great.” There was no enthusiasm in his voice.
“Nick, don’t you understand?”
“Sure I do. You don’t need me.”
“You’re talking as if we’d been married, or had lived next to each other for years! What’s it been, four, five days?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“You should be happy that you’re not tied down to me and three kids!”
“Look, I know I’ve kind of thrown myself into your situation, but I—I miss my family. My mother’s gone and the girls have spread out and made their own lives, as they should, but suddenly, again, I felt like I had a family. I made too much of it. I’ll back off and stay out of your lives.”
“No! What I’m trying to say is that we enjoy having you in our lives. Annie even talks about you now. You’ve become a friend very quickly and you’ve helped me make it through some tough times. But I’d like our friendship to be a two-way street. I’d like to help you as much as you help me.”
“Help me with what?”
“I don’t know. But our friendship can’t continue if it’s all going to be so one-sided!”
“But that’s just it. It isn’t one-sided. I get to feel like I have a family again. That’s a great gift, Jen.”
“Can’t I help you, uh, clean, or cook or—”
“You could take my picture.”
She stared at him. “Why?”
“I need it for my job. A nice picture, you know, like the ones you were taking of the girls. I need one, and I don’t know where to go.”
“I’ll be glad to take your picture. When?”
“Tomorrow?”
“Okay. The girls go to their room to rest or nap after lunch. Why don’t you join us for lunch?”
“That would be too much.”
“Not for friends.”
“Okay, but I’ll pay you for the picture.”
“Not between friends.”
“Okay, not the actual taking of the picture, but the processing and the paper. That can’t be between friends.”
She nodded her consent. “If you want to be photographed with a suit and tie, just bring them with you. My studio is in the third bedroom.”
“That would be great, Jen. Thanks.”
“I feel better now that we’ve worked things out. It just made me uneasy for everything to be so one-sided.”
“I agree. And you’ve greatly relieved my mind.” He stood. “Guess I’d better go get some beauty sleep, hadn’t I?”
With a chuckle, she agreed, standing to follow him to the door. Once the door was opened, he turned suddenly, as if he’d forgotten something.
She looked up at him, wondering what it could be. Suddenly, his lips covered hers in a brief but very pleasant kiss.
“Good night,” he said, and closed her door behind him.
“G-Good night,” she whispered when she could find her voice. She leaned back against the wall, not sure she could stand without support. His kiss had her totally undone. Her lips still burned from his and she blew out a sigh.
This wasn’t quite what she had in mind when she spoke about a two-way relationship.
NICK SUSPECTED THAT Jennifer would be a little miffed by his kiss. But he’d been dying to taste her soft lips since he’d first met her. What was one little kiss, anyway?
He didn’t want to answer that question. He should never have touched her. He’d told himself that all of their contacts had been because he was lonesome, but he hadn’t sought out other people. Only Jennifer and her little girls. He needed to be concentrating on his own life, not theirs.
That resolve lasted until the next morning when he phoned her to find out what time she wanted him there for lunch. To his surprise, Missy answered the phone.
“Good morning, Missy, it’s Nick. Is your mommy home?”
“Hi, Daddy! When are you coming over?”
“That’s why I’m calling. I don’t know what time I should come.”
“You’re really coming over?” Missy asked, excitement in her voice.
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