The phone on my desk rang, but since Dad was sitting there, he answered it. “Cooper Investigations,” he said. “Yeah. No, I hadn’t heard. Did you get a name? Ah, interesting. No, I don’t envy you. You’ve got your work cut out for you. Good luck, Dean.” Dad hung up the phone and turned to me, a strange look on his face.
“What is it, Dad,” I said.
“That was Dean,” Dad explained. “The Rooftop Sniper just claimed his eighth victim over on Central Avenue downtown, a man named Martin Snyder.”
“Seventh,” I said. “Remember, Conrad Watson doesn’t count.”
“Oh yeah,” Dad said, looking up at his autographed photo of Cagney. “Seven. Not such a lucky number after all. And Martin Snyder was the name of the character that got Cagney another Oscar nomination. The movie was called Love Me Or Leave Me, with Doris Day.”
“Let’s just hope there isn’t anyone living in L.A. by the name of George M. Cohan,” I said.
Dad looked at me, somewhat surprised. “I didn’t know you knew about that movie,” Dad said.
“Everyone’s heard of Yankee Doodle Dandy,” I said. “That one did get Cagney an Oscar.”
Somewhere in the dark allies of Hollywood a man with a rifle in a zipper case slinks back to his lair, his body count increasing by one, and the city is no safer than it was yesterday.
54 - A Passage From The Bible
“Won’t you folks have a seat?” the salesman said, pointing to the two vacant chairs across from his desk. “I’m Gerald Bernard. Please, just call me Jerry.” He extended his hand to me.
I forced a miniature smile and offered my hand as well. “Elliott Cooper,” I said as our hands pumped up and down. I eyed the huge gold and jewel ring on Jerry’s hand. It pinched my hand as he squeezed.
“I see you’ve brought your lovely daughter with you,” Jerry said, knowing that the woman next to Elliott was much too old to fit into that category. “Is this her first car?”
“This is my friend, Gloria.” I gestured toward the woman who stood at my right. Gloria giggled slightly and settled in the customer’s chair.
“Welcome to Continental Motors,” Jerry said, his polished teeth glistening. He was still looking directly at me. “May I call you Elliott?”
I nodded in agreement and sat in the chair next to Gloria. I was wary of this man in the plaid sport coat and flashy gold wristwatch who, just minutes earlier, had pounced upon us as we entered the showroom. I only wanted to look at the new models with a slight possibility of trading my present car. I was in no hurry and would rather have been left on my own to browse.
“I couldn’t help noticing that you had your eye on that new sports coupe,” Jerry said, turning his head away slightly but still looking at me from the corners of his eyes the way a fox eyes a chicken. “That’s a smart move. You know that model is so popular I just can’t keep them in stock.”
I was unimpressed. I’d heard it all before at the other car dealers when I’d bought my present car six years earlier. You’d think these guys would at least compare lines and try to avoid using each other’s clichés.
“Yes,” Jerry continued, “That model is so popular that a lot of the other dealers are actually charging more than the window sticker.” He looked back and forth as if to see if anyone could overhear our conversation. “But you know, just between you and me, I think I can put you in this baby for a lot less.” He leaned back in his swivel chair and paused for effect.
“Well, Jerry” I said, “I’m just looking today.”
“Aren’t we all?” Jerry said. “But I gotta be honest with you, Elliott. I saw the car you drove up in and to be perfectly frank, I’m a little concerned about Gloria, here.” He extended his flattened palm toward Gloria, as if he was showcasing a prize on a game show.
Gloria Campbell sat upright and leaned in toward Jerry. “My word, what are you talking about?” she said.
Jerry rolled out from behind his desk and positioned his chair between us. He crooked his index finger and motioned for us to lean in closer. “I noticed the exhaust was leaking and the rear tires look like they could go any time now. Elliott, you’ve got the little lady to think about, not just yourself. You’ve got to ask yourself if you want to put Gloria at risk like that. Am I right, Elliott?”
There were times when Gloria and I went out on cases and rode together. Sometimes she’d drive her car and I’d ride along, but most of the time I drove my own car and she rode along with me.
Gloria heaved a heavy sigh and looked at me, expecting an immediate response. I could feel my ears getting hot and my fists clenching. I knew my present car wasn’t perfect. I also knew that two hundred dollars would put it back in roadworthy shape. But how could I defend myself against that look from Gloria?
“Elliott,” Jerry said, holding his flat hand out, “Let me have your keys and I’ll have my manager test drive your car. Then we’ll know exactly where we stand. I’ll do the best I can for you. And that’s a promise.”
I hesitated, looked at Gloria and then back at Jerry. I looked back at Gloria again before fishing my key ring from my coat pocket and handing it to Jerry.
Jerry pressed a button on the desk phone console and another man in a flashy three-piece gray suit appeared. “Elliott Cooper and Gloria Campbell,” he said, rising from his chair, “This is my manager, Earl Gardine. He’ll be test driving your car.”
I mechanically went through the introduction motions with Earl. Jerry handed my keys to Earl, who quickly disappeared out onto the lot. I watched as my car left the lot and pulled onto Hollywood Boulevard and vanished down the block.
“You know, Elliott,” Jerry said, walking us over to where the new car sat on the showroom floor, “After you have this baby for a while, you’ll wonder how you ever got along without it.” Jerry ran his hand across the front fender and down over the headlight.
He opened the front door, stuck his head inside and inhaled through his nose. He closed his eyes murmured, “Mmmm, that new car smell. There’s nothing like it. Come on, Elliott sit behind the wheel.” He held the door open as I reluctantly slid in. Gloria walked around to the passenger’s side and slid in beside me. She sniffed the air inside the car and purred like a cat.
Jerry closed the door and stood back, holding his two hands up flat, thumbs connecting like a movie director framing a scene. “It’s you, Elliott. I can see you now tooling down the highway with your friend here at your side. I can just imagine all your neighbor’s faces when you pull up to the house in this little beauty.”
I looked at the salesman and wished I’d never come in here. My stomach turned and I felt nauseous. If I only had the keys to this car, I thought, I could start it up and drive over Jerry and right out through the showroom window.
After what seemed like all afternoon, I could see my car pulling back onto the lot. Earl Gardine entered the showroom through a side door and disappeared into a small office. Jerry excused himself and joined Earl in that room.
“Let’s just go back to the office,” I said to my partner. “I’ll get the old car fixed good as new before we have to make that trip to Sacramento for this case we’re on now. I’ll think about another car when we get back.”
Gloria looked out onto the lot at my car and then back at the new model. “Elliott,” she said, holding my arm, “You’re gonna need a new car eventually and your old car has been acting up.”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t do it all the time. And I know how to fix it,” I assured her. “That’s why I carry that little tack hammer and that adjustable wrench. Let’s just hope it didn’t stall while he was test driving it.”
“Elliott,” Gloria said, “That car of yours has already left you stranded twice in the past two weeks. It’s time to get rid of it.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond before Jerry returned with a piece of paper in his hands. He took his seat behind his desk and turned the paper around for me to examine. “Elliott,” Jerry said, “Here’s what it looks like.” He pointed t
o the bottom figure.
I stared at the paper before looking back up at the salesman. “You know Jerry,” I said, “I was reluctant at first, but that’s not a bad figure. I never expected to get that much for my old car.” I smiled and looked over at Gloria. She had a glimmer of hope in her eyes, as well.
Jerry had his shiny gold pen poised, ready to hand it to me to sign on the line. His smile quickly faded. “Uh, no, Elliott, that’s the cash difference. This is your trade allowance.” He pointed to the number above the bottom one.
I lost my smile and a silence fell over the area. Now it was a game of “He who talks first loses” and I didn’t want to lose this particular game. Three minutes passed and it looked as if it would be a draw. Gloria broke the tie.
“Elliott?” was all she said.
That was Jerry’s queue to jump in with another barrage of rhetoric and hype. I wanted to say something but Jerry didn’t stop talking long enough to take a breath. I was getting madder by the minute.
Jerry momentarily looked down at his notes and I jumped in. “Give me my keys. We’re leaving.”
“But Mr. Cooper,” Jerry started to say. “Elliott.”
“My keys,” I repeated, curling my four fingers toward me several times.
Jerry patted his coat and pants pockets and practiced his bewildered look, knowing all the time that my keys were safe on Earl Gardine’s desk. It was a common practice to withhold the customer’s keys so they couldn’t just get up and leave if they disagreed on the figures. It gave the salesman time to stall and come up with an excuse to ‘Talk to the boss one more time.’
“I left them in Earl’s office,” Jerry said. “Just give me a minute. I’ll be right back.” He looked back at us and added, “Now don’t go away.”
“Where were we going to go? He had my keys. From now on I planned on carrying a spare car key with me wherever I went.
Jerry returned with Earl at his side. He’d called in the reinforcements and I knew they were going to double-team me.
“Mr. Cooper,” Earl said. “You’ve got to help me out on this one.”
“I do?” I said. “Why?”
“We want to put you in the sports coupe today,” Earl said. “But we don’t want to be buried in your trade. You understand, I’m sure.”
Jerry sat back in his swivel chair, practicing his concerned looks. If this had been a police station, Earl and Jerry would have been using their ‘good cop-bad cop’ routine on me. Here, I guess you could call it their ‘good salesman-bad salesman’ routine where Earl pretended to be on my side.
It was two and a half hours later when Gloria and I drove off the lot in my new car, three thousand dollars poorer for the experience. At least I got the dealership to throw in free car washes for a month.
Earl called Jerry into his office and the two sat looking over the deal they’d just made with Elliott Cooper.
“Nice job on those two,” Gardine said.
“Hey,” Jerry replied, “I just took a passage from the bible.”
“Huh?” Earl said.
“I saw a stranger and took him in,” Jerry said, laughing. “Boy, those two must have walked in with ‘Sucker’ tattooed across their forehead. I got their trade for virtually nothing. Seventy-five bucks will get it ready for the lot and I have some poor slob from Encino just chomping at the bit to get a car like this. Man, if making money was any easier, it’d be illegal.”
Earl looked over the figures again before turning around to enter Jerry’s name on the wall chart of monthly sales figures. “You know,” he said, “One more deal will put you over the top. Today’s the last day of the month and you’re top salesman once again. I hate to be without you for two weeks, but it looks like you just might win that vacation.”
Jerry smiled and sat leaning back with his fingers locked behind his head and his right ankle draped over his left knee. “I need it, I earned it, and I’m gonna enjoy it. Boy oh boy, two weeks in Europe, all expenses paid. I can’t wait. Thank you Elliott Cooper, you dope.”
“Not so fast,” Earl reminded him. “Peterson has twelve sales this month, too. It could just as well go to him.”
“Not a chance,” Jerry said. “I may only have twelve sales, but I’ve got an ace up my sleeve. Did you forget about Marvin Daniels coming in tonight?”
“Daniels?” Earl said. “The guy who wants the motor home? That Daniels?”
“That’s my pigeon,” Jerry said. “He’s coming in at eight tonight and I’m gonna pluck him. Says he won’t see anyone but me. He’s in the bag and that motor home has a spread of fifteen thousand dollars. Even if I have to work him for a while I’m sure to end up with at least a twelve grand profit. If that doesn’t put me over the top, nothing will.”
“Well, just make sure you’re back here in plenty of time to meet with him,” Earl said. “I don’t want to lose that deal.”
“No sweat,” Jerry said confidently. “I’ll be back from the bank and dinner by seven-thirty easy. I’m so sure I’ve got this vacation in the bag, I’m taking five grand out of my bank account in cash for spending money in Europe. So, if you’ve got nothin’ else for me, I’ve worked up a healthy appetite fleecing Elliott. See ya later.”
Jerry hung a dealer plate on the back of the sedan and drove out of the lot with Elliott Cooper’s trade-in. Jerry’s house was only fifteen minutes from the dealership and it was only three o’clock. That left him plenty of time to stop at the bank, go home, eat a good supper and make it back in plenty of time to sell a motor home.
I drove toward home in my new car, not really sure if I’d acted too hastily. I turned toward Gloria and said, “You know, Gloria, somehow I get the feeling that I was taken. I just have a gut feeling that that salesman wasn’t totally honest with me.”
“Well, Elliott,” she said, “If you feel that way why not stop in at another car lot just to compare. I know it’s a little late now, but it may put your mind to rest.”
I agreed and the two of us drove across town to the dealership that sold the same model I’d just bought. I drove onto the lot and cruised up and down the rows of cars. I stopped when I spotted the same make and model as my new car. Gloria and I got out and began scanning the window stickers.
“Look at all of these, Gloria,” I said, a sick feeling coming over me.
Gloria stood alongside me. She was staring at the window stickers. “Why, all of these cars are priced more than fifteen hundred below what you paid. How can that be?”
“I’ll tell you,” I said. “They altered their stickers with all kinds of dealer add-ons to jack the price up and make it seem like their car had more options. First thing tomorrow I’m going back there and give them a piece of my mind.”
“Can’t we put it behind us for today, Elliott?” Gloria said, squeezing my hand. “You promised me a picnic today and I don’t want anything to spoil it for us.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, reluctantly. “Let’s go back to your place and get the picnic supplies. It makes me too mad to even think about that fast talking son-of-a-no good so and so.”
Gloria and I loaded my new car with her picnic supplies and food and pulled out of her driveway. Our favorite picnic spot was a roadside rest stop just a few miles from Gloria’s home. We’d passed it on the way to the car lot earlier that day. I pulled my new car into the parking lot of the rest stop at quarter to six and began unpacking for our picnic. It was late in the day on the last day of the summer season and mine was the only car in the parking lot.
Jerry Bernard had completed his banking by five o’clock, finished his dinner and still had time to relax for a few minutes. At quarter to six his phone rang. Jerry swung his stocking feet off the footstool and hurried into the kitchen to answer the phone.
“Jerry,” the panicked voice on the other end said, “You’d better get back here right away.” It was Earl Gardine, Jerry’s sales manager.
“What’s wrong, Earl?” Jerry said.
“Marvin Daniels is here about the mot
or home and he’s asking for you. Says he won’t talk to anyone else. Get back here right away.”
“Daniels wasn’t supposed to be in until eight,” Jerry said, slipping into his shoes.
“I know,” Earl said, “But he’s catching an earlier plane and wants to finalize this deal before he leaves. Says he only has half an hour to do this. He won’t be back for another five weeks. I’ll try to stall him as long as I can, but get back here now.”
“I’m on my way,” Jerry said, slapping the phone back into its cradle and slipping into his suit jacket. He grabbed the keys to Elliott Cooper’s trade-in and sped off down the road. Jerry eyed the speedometer as he made his way around the mountain pass. He was within the limit and still had twenty-five minutes to cover ten more miles. No sweat, he thought.
Gloria passed the wrapped sandwich to me and took one herself. I poured two glasses of Champagne and offered one to my partner. We toasted and ate and momentarily forgot about the fleecing Jerry had put me through earlier that day.
“To us,” I said, clinking my glass against Gloria’s.
“To us,” Gloria repeated, a smile playing on her face.
As he drove, Jerry mentally calculated the profit from the sale of the motor home. He looked in the rear view mirror. “Who’s the baddest salesman around?” He winked at his reflection and answered his own question. “It’s you, baby. Look out London, Paris, Madrid and Rome. Jerry Bernard is coming to your town.”
His daydream of profit was cut short by a sputtering sound coming from under the hood. The car hesitated briefly before lurching forward again. A few seconds later it sputtered again and the engine died altogether. Jerry coasted silently down the mountain road, swearing at the car at the top of his lungs. He looked at his fancy gold wristwatch. It was ten past six. “Damn,” he said, slamming his palm on the steering wheel. He was still eight miles from the dealership and stuck out on some lonely road with very little traffic.
Ahead he saw the rest stop with a car parked in one of the stalls. Time was of the essence and he had no time to try to fix the car or call for help. He had to get these people to drive him back to the dealership. He just had to.
The Complete Cooper Collection (All 97 Stories) Page 172