The Complete Cooper Collection (All 97 Stories)

by Bernico, Bill

After another pause, the woman said. “I’m sorry I took your things, but I had to.”

  “What do you mean, you had top?” Gloria said. “Nobody has to steal someone’s clothes.”

  “You don’t understand,” the woman said. “I couldn’t have gotten out of the store in my own clothes. He was watching.”

  “Who was watching?” Gloria said.

  “My ex-boyfriend,” the woman said. “He followed me into the store and I had to ditch him. He’d have recognized my red, white and blue sweat suit anywhere. Tell you what, if you’ll give me a few minutes, I’ll give you back everything I took. Or at least I’ll tell you where you can pick them up after I change back into my own clothes.”

  Gloria thought about the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay, where can I get my things and when?”

  After a brief pause, the woman said, “You know that little church just west of Grauman’s Chinese Theater?”

  “Yes,” Gloria said.

  “It’s pretty close to the building next to it,” the woman said. “There’s maybe eight feet between them. I’ll leave your stuff in a brown paper bag under the bush that’s between those two buildings. Give me five minutes and then you can pick them all up, and once again, I am sorry I had to do that to you, but it was necessary. I know it won’t make up for your inconvenience, but I’ll leave ten bucks in the pocket of your jeans for your aggravation.”

  “But…” Gloria started to say before she heard the dial tone. Gloria hung up Jarvis’s phone and sighed.

  “Did you locate your things?” Jarvis said.

  “I think so,” Gloria told him. “And as soon as my replacement clothes get here I can go and recover them.”

  Just then a knock came on Jarvis’s door. Jarvis opened his door and invited me in.

  I held the bag out for Gloria and she took it, peeked down into it and then looked at me. “Thanks, Elliott,” she said, and then looked at Jarvis. “Is there someplace where I can change clothes?” she said.

  Jarvis pointed to his personal bathroom and Gloria hurried inside. She emerged in less than a minute, dressed in the jeans, shirt and sneakers I’d brought. I gave Gloria back her house key and she handed Mr. Jarvis his dress and shoes. “Thank you, Mr. Jarvis,” Gloria said. “If you could hang onto those items for me, I’ll be back to pay for them as soon as I can.” She turned to me and jerked her head toward the exit door. “Come on, Elliott, let’s go get my things.”

  I looked at Mr. Jarvis, shrugged and spread my hands. “Don’t ask me,” I said. “I just got here.”

  Gloria and I hurried out to my car. She slid in behind the wheel and when I slid in next to her, she held her hand out. “Can I have the keys?” she said.

  I handed them over without asking any questions. I could tell she was in a hurry and in no mood for explanations yet. She headed east on Hollywood and turned south on Las Palmas for one block, turning east on Selma. She took Selma to Highland and Highland back to Hollywood, turning west and continuing a couple of blocks until she pulled up in front of a small church. Just as she got out of the car, she saw a woman crouched under a bush. The woman was wearing a red, white and blue sweat suit and she appeared to be reaching under the bush. She was totally absorbed in what she was doing and didn’t even hear Gloria walking up behind her. Gloria laid a hand on the woman’s shoulder and the woman let out a terrified screech. This startled Gloria, who immediately pulled her hand back.

  The woman turned and looked up at Gloria. “You scared the shit out of me,” the woman said.

  “You took a few years off my life with that screech, too,” Gloria said. She pointed to the bag under the bush. “I take it those would be my clothes.” She held her hand out and curled the fingers toward her.

  The woman retrieved the bag and stood, handing it to Gloria. “I’m really sorry,” she said again as she gave Gloria back her possessions.

  Gloria reached into the bag and pulled out her jeans. She immediately went through her pockets and found her cell phone and car keys. In the other pocket she found her wallet. She pulled that out and opened it. All her money and credit cards were still there. She looked at the woman with amazement.

  “Check the back pocket,” the woman told her.

  Gloria reached into the back pocket and withdrew a ten-dollar bill that had been folded twice. Gloria shot me a knowing glance and then looked at the woman. “Okay,” she said, “So you’re not the average everyday thief. You still had no right to take my things.”

  The woman hung her head. “I know,” she said. “And I really am sorry, but it was the only way I could think of to get out of the store without having to deal with my ex-boyfriend again. You don’t know what he’s capable of.”

  Gloria thought about this for a moment and remembered one of her relationships years ago that had ended badly. She could understand somewhat what this girl was feeling. Gloria held the ten-dollar bill out to the woman. “Go on,” Gloria said. “I don’t want your money.”

  The woman waved her off. “Please take it,” she said. “I’d feel better if you did and money’s the one thing I have. That’s why my ex is after me. I’m sure it’s the only reason he wants to find me, so he can try to get back together and get at my money. What I really need is protection.”

  Gloria shot me another glance and then looked at the woman again, beckoning her to follow. “Come on,” Gloria said. “How about if we all go somewhere and talk about this over a cup of coffee.”

  “We?” the woman said.

  “I’m sorry,” Gloria said. “That’s right, you don’t even know us and we don’t know you. My name is Gloria Campbell and this is Elliott Cooper. Please, won’t you join us for a cup of coffee? Maybe we can help you.”

  The woman thought about it for a second and then said, “All right,” but still had not given us her name.

  “Did you walk here?” Gloria said.

  The woman nodded.

  “You can ride with us,” Gloria told her. “We can go to the Gold Cup. It’s right down the street.”

  All three of us got into my car with me driving this time. I drove around the block and headed east on the boulevard again. A block from our office building I pulled up to the curb in front of The Gold Cup coffee shop, dropped a quarter into the meter and the three of us went inside. I walked the two ladies over to a corner booth and signaled for a waitress. The waitress brought a coffee pot over to our table. Gloria and the woman turned their cups right side up. The waitress poured two cups of coffee and then looked at me. I waved her off and asked for a glass of skim milk.

  “This is really embarrassing for me,” the woman said. “I’ve never done anything like this in my life.”

  Gloria poured a little cream into her coffee and stirred it. “Why don’t you tell us your story?” Gloria said. “And like I said earlier, maybe Elliott and I can help you.”

  “How can you help?” the woman said. “What are you, cops or something?”

  “More of an ‘or something’,” I said. “Gloria and I are private investigators.”

  The woman breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh man,” she said. “That’s a load of my mind. I thought I was going to have to go to jail?”

  “So,” Gloria said, “Suppose you tell us all about it. If we can help, we’ll tell you. If not, well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. What do we call you?”

  “Donna,” she said. “Donna Goodwin.”

  “All right, Donna,” I said. “Let’s hear your story.” Just then the waitress brought me my glass of milk and I sipped from it.

  “I thought Joey was the one,” Donna began. “I met him six months ago at a bar and things were fine for a while. Then I started noticing a change in him when he found out that I came into a sizeable amount of money. His attitude towards me changed. He began expecting me to pay for a lot of things for him. I did for a while, just to keep him happy, but he got more and more demanding until one day I just told him that it wasn’t working out between us and that I wanted out.”
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  “I take it he didn’t like that,” Gloria said.

  Donna shook her head. “Not one little bit,” she said. “He started to get really nasty and a couple of time I had to call the cops, or neighbors called the cops. Anyway, Joey got arrested a couple of times and then I got a restraining order out against him. He’s supposed to stay five hundred yards away from me, but lately I’ve been seeing him within ten or fifteen feet. It’s always in public and he initially didn’t try to approach me. He’d just stand there smiling that stupid smile to let me know he was ignoring the restraining order and that he could get to me any time he felt like it.”

  “So have him arrested again,” I said. “Judges don’t take kindly to having their orders ignored. Joey could do some time.”

  “And he’d be out in sixty or ninety days and then start this whole thing all over again,” Donna said. “He’s just not getting the message. I want him to stay away from me. I’m getting scared.”

  “Would you like us to help you?” Gloria said. “We deal with this kind of thing all the time.”

  I nodded. “She’s right, Donna,” I said. “Maybe what Joey needs is a stern talking to, if you catch my drift.”

  “Are you suggesting strong-arm tactics?” Donna said.

  “Well, I was just…” I started to say.

  “No, don’t apologize, Mr. Cooper,” Donna said. “I was hoping that’s what you meant and I just wanted to be sure that we’re both on the same page.”

  “So you’d have no problem with me having that stern talk with Joey then?” I said.

  “How stern are we talking here?” Donna said.

  I pulled my jacket back far enough so that Donna could see my underarm holster and then closed my jacket again. Her eyes got wide and she looked at me.

  “Just so we’re clear here, Mr. Cooper,” she said. “You’re not telling me that you’d shoot him, are you?”

  “Of course not,” Gloria said. “Elliott was talking about his armpit. I think he was suggesting that he’d get Joey in a headlock and make him sniff his deadly armpit. Isn’t that what you were suggesting, Elliott?”

  “Huh? Oh yeah,” I said quickly. “That’s all I was talking about.” My smile was as phony as a denture wearer under a black light.

  Donna sipped from her coffee cup, mostly to buy her some time to think of how to answer me. She lowered the cup and finally said to Gloria, “How would you handle this, Miss Campbell?”

  Gloria thought for a moment and then offered, “I’d also have a stern talk with this man,” she said. “And if he wasn’t willing to listen to reason, well then, I guess I’d have to try to persuade him to see things my way.”

  “Persuade him?” Donna said. “What are you talking about?”

  “Just that I can be mighty persuasive when I set my mind to it,” Gloria said.

  “Yeah,” I added, “And if that didn’t work, she could always break his arm.”

  “You could do that?” Donna said.

  Gloria shrugged and spread her hands.

  “I’d like to hire you both,” Donna blurted out and then put her hand over her mouth when she realized that people three table away probably heard her. She lowered her voice to a whisper and repeated, “I’d like to hire you both.”

  I finished the last of my milk, set the glass down, wiped the milk mustache off my lip and looked at Donna. “We get two hundred dollars a day plus expenses,” I said. “And if we don’t get you the results you want, it won’t cost you a dime. Sound fair enough?”

  “How soon could you start?” Donna said, eagerly.

  “Is this afternoon too soon?” I said.

  “That works for me,” Donna said. “What do you need from me?”

  Gloria turned to Donna and said, “First we’d need a signed contract and a retainer. We’d provide you with a detailed report when we’re all finished and with a little luck, we should be able to wrap this whole thing up in just a couple of days. Our office is just a block from here. Can you stop up for a minute and take care of the preliminaries?”

  “What are we waiting for?” Donna said. “Let’s go.”

  I drove us all to the parking lot behind my building and the three of us rode the elevator up to the third floor. I invited Donna to sit in my client’s chair while I pulled a blank contract out of my desk drawer. “Does this Joey have a last name?” I said.

  “Hendricks,” Donna said. “Joseph Hendricks.”

  She supplied me with his address and other useful information that might help us locate him. I filled in the specifics on her contract that we had discussed and had her sign it, giving her a copy and filing my copy away. She rose from my chair again and extended her hand. I shook it and thanked her for her business. Gloria offered her had as well, but Donna chose instead to give her a hug.

  “Thank you for everything,” Donna said. “Especially for understanding why I did what I did and not getting super mad about it.”

  “By the time we met,” Gloria said, “I had had time to cool down quite a bit. Now, on the other hand, if I had caught you right after it happened, well, that would have been another story entirely.” She stared at Donna for a second and then broke into a smile. “I forgive you,” Gloria said. “Just don’t ever do it again, at least not to me.”

  “I won’t,” Donna said and left the office.

  I could hear her footsteps fading down the long hallway. I turned to Gloria and said, “Who knew there’d be a case in it for us after all this?”

  Gloria pulled the shirt off over her head and stepped out of the pants I’d brought her from her house. She stood there in her bra and panties and began dressing in the clothes she had been wearing this morning. She stopped when she noticed me staring at her.

  “What?” she said. “It’s not like you’ve never seen me like this before.”

  “I know,” I said, “But you’re giving me ideas.”

  “Go take a cold shower,” she said. “We’ve got work to do.”

  We left the office and both of us got into Gloria’s car. She drove while I navigated out of a street map book that she kept in the pocket of her door. “I suppose the logical place to start would be at Joey’s house,” I said.

  “Okay, Magellan,” Gloria said, “Navigate. Where are we going?”

  “To a motel?” I said.

  Gloria didn’t respond or even look my way.

  “Or,” I said, “You could take Hollywood to Western and Western to Santa Monica. When you get closer I’ll give you more specific directions.” I quickly changed the subject. “So what’s your take on this whole thing? I mean, from a woman’s perspective, would a guy like Joey be a problem?”

  “Not for me,” Gloria said. “I’d tie him into a knot, sprinkle salt on him and sell him as a pretzel. But that’s just me.”

  “I’m talking about women who aren’t super heroes,” I said. “You think there are really guys out there who just can’t take that final rejection and go bananas?”

  “It happens,” Gloria said. “But the women are usually human punching bags with no self-image. They let this kind of thing go on for way too long. I mean, after one smack from any man, you’d think these women would be out the door, but some of them think that they wouldn’t be able to get another guy if they walked away. Others try to rationalize it by telling themselves that it was their fault, that they made the guy hit them.”

  “Oh brother,” I said.

  “No, really,” Gloria said. “And the guy is usually the manipulative type who can cry on cue and act all sorry afterwards and these women take them back. It goes smooth again for another week or two and then it’s back to the same ol’ same ol’ and the cycle starts all over again.”

  “Well,” I said, “You’ll pardon me if I can’t work up much sympathy for these kinds of women. They all have the option of walking away from a bad situation. Or they could press charges and have the guy put away, but they don’t.”

  “What about you?” Gloria said. “Haven’t you ever lost y
our temper with a woman?”

  “Sure,” I said. “Lots of times, but I have never hit any woman, not once. I have control of myself and I know how to vent my frustration on inanimate objects. I’ve gone through a few pillows in my day.”

  “Really?” Gloria said, her interest now piqued. “And just what was it these women did to set you off?”

  “They, uh,” I started to say, but then thought better of it. “I don’t remember. You’ve got a turn coming up here at the next corner.”

  “Smooth,” Gloria said. “Save by the turn. Okay, now where am I going?”

  I looked at the street map in front of me and had to turn to the next page where that section of the map was continued. “Three blocks east and hang a right for one block. It’s the second house from the corner.”

  Gloria pulled up in front of a white stucco ranch house with a red tile roof. There was a realtor’s sign in the front yard, announcing to the rest of Los Angeles that this house was for sale. We got out to have a closer look. The drapes had been removed and I could see almost all the way through the house out into the back yard. The house was definitely vacant.

  I looked at Gloria. “Could we possibly get this lucky right out of the gate?” I said.

  She pointed toward the house one door to the east. “You want to check with them and I’ll check over here?” she said, walking toward the house one door west of the vacant house.

  I walked across the grass and stepped up onto the stoop of Joey’s next door neighbor. Before I got a chance to ring the bell, the door opened and a stern-looking man scowled at me.

  “Can’t you see the sidewalk?” he said. “You walked on my new grass. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m sorry, mister,” I said. “I was just wondering if you knew what happened to the guy who used to live next door.”

  “I don’t snoop on the neighbors,” the man said. “Now beat it, and use the god damned sidewalk.”

  The door slammed again and the sound it made rang in my ears as I retreated down the sidewalk out toward the street. Gloria was walking toward the street away from the house she’d chosen to inquire at. We met at her car.