Epicuras
After we’ve eaten we have to move the tables around the edge of the hall and then we are made to sit in a circle on the floor, apart from Lee who has a chair so he is above us. The group leaders go outside.
“I want everyone to close their eyes,” says Lee, “and picture in your mind how you see Jesus Christ. I want you to see Christ in this room as he watches over you to keep you safe from sin. How his watch is ever vigilant and how much he cares about you. If you have any worries all you have to do is to talk to Jesus. Now open your eyes.
“All of you are here because you have a problem. A problem you need help with. You’ve been having confusing thoughts about boys, which is not your fault. In some cases I know these thoughts have caused you to sin already and that is your fault. The reason you have these thoughts is because society promotes the idea that it’s okay to be gay but god tells us that it’s not okay by him.
“So who can tell me where god says it’s wrong to be a queer?’
I put my hand up. Lee nods at me so I answer. “Leveticus twenty-thirteen: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”
“Very good,” says Lee. “Chapter and verse. Can you do that with the whole bible?”
“Most of it.” I nod.
“Well you have been truly gifted by god.
“So we’re going to start off by playing a game and this is a tricky one so you need to listen to the instructions carefully. Now we’re going to go round in a circle and each name a famous homo. When they’ve been named if their surname starts with the letter m or under in the alphabet you have to say queer and if their name starts with n or over you have to say faggot. Now the last person to say the correct one on each turn is out. The last person in will be the winner and they’ll get a great prize. So as a practice I’ll start you off with one: Elton John.”
“Queer,” everyone shouts.
And so the game begins.
“Ian McKellan,” says the first boy.
“Queer.”
“That was an easy one,” says Lee. “If the surname starts with n or m that’s a little too easy.”
“Ellen DeGeneres.”
“Queer.”
“Jessie J.”
“Queer.”
One boy says dyke, so he goes out.
“Come on now,” says Lee, “let’s have a few faggots.”
“Zachary Quinto.”
“Faggot.”
Lee is laughing away and some of the boys are doing the same. I know he expects all of us to laugh at this but I’m not sure if I can. Should I fake it?
“Jim Parsons.”
Faggot.
“Gok Wan.” Says Jacob.
“Faggot.”
“Gok who?” asks Lee, “Is he real?”
“He’s a fashion Guru,” says Jacob.
“Figures,” says Lee, “definitely a faggot then. Okay, who’s next?”
“Tom Cruise?” Noah seems unsure.
“Queer.”
I wait till everyone has finished and shout, “Scientologist.”
A number of the older boys laugh and Lee does too. I giggle – what am I doing?
“Now that may be true,” says Lee, “but you’re out.”
Yes, I squirmed my way out of it. Why is everything they’re making me feel here reducing me to... well, reducing me?
I don’t pay attention to the rest of the game. It’s obvious what Lee’s trying to do. I think it comes from an idea that I’ve heard before and seems all the rage with the Christians, that homosexuality is a glamorous thing and the only reason people become gay is because it’s all over the media. It’s such a load of shit. I’m barely allowed to watch TV. I can only listen to music and watch films which glorify God. I barely know any of the people mentioned in the game we played.
Something about making these judgements feels immoral. It’s like an ad hoc, kangaroo court – all of it designed to make us agree, or at least say out loud, that being gay is sinful and that all gays are faggots and queers.
I can’t get the thought of the Milgram experiments out of my mind as everyone in the circle, who must know they are gay, bows to his authority. I know I’m a wimp. I know I’m scared of a lot of things but electric shocks, for me, might be the worst fear of all.
It was a few weeks after I got out of hospital when I experienced one. I was in the larder looking for some chocolate or biscuits when I noticed a strange electrical switch, the type which has an inbuilt fuse and cover. Only there was no fuse and the cover was missing.
I still can’t tell you why I did what I did. I turned the switch on and pushed my finger into the space where the fuse was supposed to be and 240v surged through my body, taking complete control of everything and shaking me to my knees. I was lucky it threw my finger out of the fuse socket in the process.
I never told anyone about it. I went up to my room and collapsed on my bed. At the time I did it, I knew I was going to get a shock but I did it anyway. I have no idea why.
Now I hate going near anything electrical. In the kitchen at home I won’t go near the toaster and all that open electrified wire. I’m worried about what I might do. I can’t help wanting to touch it, to reach in and feel the energy surge through me and burn my fingers.
I don’t want to think of the experiment any more. I don’t want to think of the shocks. I don’t want to think what these people who are trying to help us might be capable of.
The game finishes off and the winner, one of the older boys, gets his prize. Guess what it is? A brand new bible.
Lee starts off again. “So we all know there are a lot of queers and faggots in the media and the reason that’s the case is because Satan controls it all. He’s the Chief Executive Officer of all TV, radio, magazines, books and the internet because it’s the best way for him to take souls from Jesus. He can influence you on the television. He can influence you on the internet. He can influence you in the movie theatre, which is why you must always be on your guard against Satan. There’s only one thing you can trust – The Bible!
“How do you know when Satan is trying to lure you away from The Lord?”
No one answers.
“Temptation! When Satan wants to pull you in boy, he lays out temptation. He looks up God’s laws and says, Now what can I do to this boy to make him break one. So he puts faggots on the television for you to look up to and he sends dirty thoughts to your mind, directly to your mind like an internet of evil, so you look at other boys in a sinful way.
“When that happens you have to say, No Satan! Say it with me people.” He slams his fist down through the air.
’“No Satan.”
“Say it again!” Again with the fist.
“No Satan.”
Now he raises his hands in the air. “Say it like you mean it!”
’“No Satan!”
“When Satan calls you, what do you say?”
’“No Satan!”
“When he tempts you with impure thoughts?”
’“No Satan!”
Lee’s eyes are wild and glassy, open so wide I can see the yellow tinge around them. “Because Satan is a faggot! That’s why god kicked his queer butt out of heaven.”
I don’t remember reading that in the bible.
“That’s why he wants to make you one. So when you get down to hell he can use you like a whore.”
Now he stands up and walks in front of each one of us, asking us in turn. “Are you a faggot?”
"No."
“Are you a faggot?”
"No."
“Are you a faggot?”
"No."
“Are you a faggot?”
"No."
Everyone answers, No, and when he gets to me, I do too. I don't even think about not saying it. I'm only thinking that I just lost part of myself.
Chapter Eight
So the judgement is in and we�
��ve all been found guilty. We’re all gay, or at least struggling with our feelings about boys. And you know what, part of me is relieved because it’s so hard living with this deception. There was no trial and no chance of a not guilty verdict, the fact we are here is the evidence against us and it is overwhelmingly condemning.
I’ve done some reading on the law. Law books are about the most impenetrable I’ve ever come across. Their use of the English language is the most convoluted that I’ve seen, but I forced myself to read some texts as I wanted to know why the two possible verdicts in a criminal court case are guilty and not guilty. I wanted to know why innocent is not one of the possible verdicts.
The judge sits at the bench. The defence and prosecution stand ready to call witnesses, debate the finer points of the law and examine the evidence. The jury sits and listens to all of this, waiting for the point at which they take over and debate the evidence which has been presented to them until they decide upon a verdict. That’s what this is, a debate: a debate in which two competing hypotheses will be tested.
The defendant is presumed innocent – this is the null hypothesis – the opening state of play and the position the defence will try and maintain. The prosecution asserts the defendant is guilty of a crime – this is the alternative hypothesis – the assertion that the defendant has committed the crime.
The accused sits in the box, either innocent or guilty. Only he knows for sure.
The burden of proof is on the party that makes the assertion (in this case, the prosecution) and they have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant did indeed commit the crime or he will be acquitted. So it’s important to note that the debate is over one of the possibilities – guilt: is the defendant guilty or not? The question of innocence does not enter into the picture.
So why isn’t the innocent side of the question argued?
It is because it only takes one strong piece of evidence to show someone is guilty and destroy the null hypothesis. It’s hard to imagine but how much evidence would be required to show someone to be innocent if they were assumed guilty? This is why the burden of proof is not on the defendant, it’s on the party making the claim of his guilt.
Over 3,000 years ago, a Chinese fisherman claimed to have caught a solid gold carp in the Yellow River. Rumour spread from village to village and from town to town all across China until word came to the court of Emperor Yao. The Emperor was so intrigued by this claim that he sent for the fisherman in order to get a personal viewing of this most unusual and most unlikely specimen.
The fisherman was quick to answer the summons and turned up to the court but without the carp in hand. When the Emperor asked why, the fisherman told him that when he tried to put the carp in his net it had wriggled out of his hands and jumped back into the river.
So the Emperor Yao ordered a search for the fish. He had millions of huge vats made into which all the rivers and oceans of the world could be emptied. He sent his courtiers to catalogue every fish they found and at the end of the search not one of them had even caught a glimpse of the solid gold carp.
So the Emperor sent for the fisherman again and said, "We have now searched the entire Earth for this fish and as we cannot find it. So I must conclude that you were lying about it."
“Oh,” said the fisherman, “didn’t I tell you? I found out as I was bringing it in on the line – the solid gold carp can turn invisible at will.”
This is the problem you face in trying to prove a negative, where one good piece of evidence can validate an assertion, no single piece of evidence can disprove it and, as in the story, the goalposts can always be moved.
It is possible to present evidence that would indicate a lack of guilt (an alibi for example) but even this could be faked, lied about or otherwise contrived and will ultimately rely on the veracity of the evidence which backs it up and how much weight the jury places on it. What if the defendant was at home by himself when the crime occurred? An innocent man may have no evidence that he didn’t commit the crime at all.
Even after all of this: the evidence, the examinations and crosses, the opening and closing statements, the summing up and the eventual deliberation of the jury, all that is reached is a verdict, which may be correct or incorrect. Certainty is not possible.
Apart from here and now, away from the law, away from modern civilisation where out guilt is certain and there’s no possibility of an innocent verdict or a reprieve.
The group leaders file into the room. Lee dismisses us all apart from Tyson’s group. Gareth leads us outside and we’re first to attack the massive wood pile. There are several heaps of trees that been sawn into slices and all of these are piled up behind the main building next to the toilets and shower block.
Next to that is the stump of a tree which has been weathered with some kind of chemical treatment and is as dark as the dining table at my house.
“I’m going to teach you how to chop firewood,” says Gareth. “Make no mistake about it, it’s hard work, which is why your daily shower will be after you’ve finished. Each group has an hour an a half every day. Now watch me carefully.”
Jacob, Noah and I stand round him.
“So I’ll start the chopping. Jacob, you put the wood on the block.”
Jacob walks over to the pile as ordered and takes a log. He places it on the stump.
Gareth picks up the felling axe and Jacob moves out of the way.
“Now here’s the thing,” says Gareth as he raises the axe over his head, “you need to let the axe do the work. It’s very sharp and six pounds of cold hard steel.” His left hand is at the foot of the axe and his right hand near the head, above him. “You let the axe swing down and bring your right hand towards your left and let it slip down.” He does this and splits the log in two with a single stroke. It looks like it takes no effort at all. “You want to split each log into four. Jacob, pick up one of the split ones and put it back on.”
Jacob does so. Gareth repeats the process again and once more with the other half log. When he’s finished he looks happy with his work. “There you go, perfectly split into four. Now you three can take over. Jacob, you can cut. Malachi, you can fetch and Noah, you can stack the wood onto the handcart.”
So Jacob goes first. And though, as far as I can tell, he’s doing exactly the same thing that Gareth did, it doesn’t seem all that effortless for him. Few logs split on his first swing and after only six completed logs he is slowing down and sweating. This looks at lot harder than Gareth had made it seem.
When it’s my turn, Noah takes over the fetching so Jacob can have a breather. To me it seems like the trick to it is not to put any effort into any part of it but the aim and that’s where I thought Jacob was going wrong.
I raise it above my head, it’s much heavier than I had anticipated. I keep my eye on the log and bring the axe down, it cuts right through.
“That’s the way it’s done!” Gareth seems pleased. “Have you done this before?”
“No,” I say, “beginners luck.”
I do it again and again. Though after four logs I can begin to feel muscles in my chest, back and arms, of which I had no previous awareness of owning, become tired and sore.
After my thirty minutes it’s Noah’s turn. It seems harsh of Gareth to make him do it as he can scarcely even get the axe above his head. When he brings it down it bounces off the log. This goes on for ten minutes. After every stroke, he looks at Gareth with pleading eyes.
“Please, Gareth, I can’t do it.”
“Keep trying.”
So he keeps trying for the full thirty minutes without doing more than putting a few chips in the log. There is no let up or remission from Gareth.
“Right, that’s our time,” says Gareth.
Noah falls back onto the floor and clutches himself.
“Jacob, dump that wood out by the fire then we’re going to get lunch. You can all have a shower afterwards.” Gareth walks off.
I help Noah get back to his feet a
nd then we head back.
When we get back to the fire the other boys and leaders are already assembled there. Something seems different about Tyson’s group. All of them look depressed and as though they have been crying.
“Now you’re all here,” says Lee, “it’s time to see if our runaway has calmed down.”
Barnabas unlocks the shed.
“Are you ready to rejoin us, Lewis?” asks Lee.
Lewis crawls out of the shed and struggles to his feet. He’s stripped down to his boxer shorts and is covered in sweat and dirt. I don't want to think about how hot it must be in that place. He stumbles and falls into his group leader.
“Get him some water.” says Lee.
This is done and after a few minutes Lee tells him to get dressed and we all go into lunch.
We have vegetable soup and a cheese sandwich. I am shattered from the wood cutting but if this is the worst level of hardship I’ll have to endure then I know I can get through this. Gareth seems standoffish, strict even, but fair, to a point. I look at Noah trembling with his soup spoon and get the feeling that he has a different opinion. He’s been on the verge of tears since I first met him and it doesn’t look like things are improving. I still don’t like the way he makes me feel. The way I want to protect him from all of this. What would have happened if I’d have stepped in for him and told Gareth to lay off him during the wood cutting? I don’t know.
I notice how close Noah is to breaking down when Jacob rests his hand on Noah's leg, under the table, trying to reassure him. As soon as he makes contact, tears form in Noah’s eyes. Jacob pulls back his hand at once as Noah shakes his head and brings his arm up around his face.
“It’s gonna be okay,” says Jacob.
“We’ll all get through this,” I say.
Jacob smiles at me.
And there, in that one moment, it feels like we might have this place beat, even though none of us have any idea what will happen next.
Noah calms down a little as we are finishing lunch.
Afterwards Gareth leads us back to our block. “Strip down to your boxer shorts.”
The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer Page 8