When I get there he’s lying down looking at the cloudless sky. I kneel by him and he sits up. I steel myself to talk to him. I put on a smile and hope that will do. I don’t know what he will think if I tell him what happened to me. What did happen to me? I’m not sure. I’m sure I’m not sure. They held me down and made me come. I didn’t want to.
Before I get the chance, he asks me. “Are you all right? What happened to your hair?”
“I’m more worried about you.” I shake my head and my throat tightens. “I was worried about you. I heard a bit of what Gareth was doing last night.”
“Oh that,” says Noah. “Lucky there was a fire.”
“No luck about it. I set it with Jacob’s help.”
Noah smiles at me for a second but it dissolves at once. “He’s coming back for me tonight, I know it. As soon as Lee’s gone.”
“Let’s worry about that when we have to. Just be ready to run – Jacob has a plan.”
Noah turns in on himself. “I'm ready now.” He grabs my head and kisses me on the lips and sticks his tongue in. “Thank you.”
I don’t pull back or anything but I don’t respond. I remember that I wanted to tell him that I love him and I don’t think I can say anything now.
“Mal, what’s happened?”
I can feel my lip quivering and I’m trying to hold it back and then he touches my shoulder and I burst into tears. I’m shaking like crazy and crying and sweating and my knees buckle and I fall into a ball.
I’m there for I don’t know how long. Jacob arrives and sits behind me. He rubs my back and that makes it worse because I don’t want either of them to see me like this.
“Do you know what happened?” Noah’s voice is sharp.
“I think, Gareth and the other leaders… I don’t know.”
“I love you,” says Noah, “I love you. We’re going to get through this place, remember?”
And then I do remember. The three of us together in our dorm after we got a beating. It stops me crying. I’m slumped but I pull myself up and I look at them. Noah wipes my tears away.
“I better get you back,” says Jacob. “If they come and find us here we’ll be in trouble we could do without.”
Noah kisses me on the forehead. Jacob rushes me back through the woods to my spot and I collapse on the sleeping bag.
“Try to eat something.” He sprints back to his pitch.
I close my eyes and try to sleep but I can’t. Gareth arrives on his morning round and shouts at me to wake up. I sit up and he’s already gone. I can’t believe he has the audacity to talk to me after what he did last night.
This day is hard. I worry about Noah and what we can do to prevent Gareth getting to him. I think there’s very little. I think about the group leaders who all proclaim to be ex gay and I can’t get past the hypocrisy of it.
This was a sex holiday for them. Hadn’t they been through it all themselves, what we were going through? That’s when the sudden realisation takes me. Maybe all of this had happened to them. Maybe that’s what happens at these camps. Gay people pretending not to be gay because they love Jesus. All of them forced to hold it in, in front of their friends, their families, their communities. Is this what it makes you become?
They are all gay and all friends, being paid to be here to look after us so they have some money for college next year. We’re an added bonus. If I tell Lee what happened to me will he believe me? It’s my word against theirs, four against one. He got off on beating us, I know he did – I could feel his erection. He’d ignore the truth. Who knows, maybe he’s picked a favourite from another group and has already had them. I don’t think I have much of a chance. No, I can’t think about it anyway I have to keep thinking about how I’m going to help Noah. I have to think about Jacob getting us out of here. I don't know what happened to me anyway.
I don’t know how Gareth can look at me or even talk to me when he takes me to cut wood that day. He acts as though nothing has happened and when it’s over he takes me back to my spot.
In the afternoon I hear a truck arrive and then I can hear something being constructed by the main buildings. I assume its a replacement for the punishment shed.
As the day goes on I become increasingly tense. When darkness begins to fall there’s no sign of Lee’s car driving away. I hold off from sleep for as long as I can. I hear Lee walking around and checking on everybody. When he gets to me, he tells me he is staying the night.
Was it because of what happened to the shed? Did one of the other inmates complain about one of the group leaders? I have no idea but I lie down to go to sleep knowing that Noah will be alright, at least for tonight.
The next day I am alone all morning. By that afternoon, after another wood chopping session, I stink of sweat. In the evening we’re rounded up by Gareth and taken to the showers and afterwards we’re given fresh clothes. We see a group coming out as we go in and another as we come out but none of them even raise their heads to look at us. Then we’re taken to the fire and I get my first look at the new metal punishment shed.
Over the next hour two more groups arrive, but one of the groups is a person short. Lewis, the boy I travelled in with, is missing. When everyone is there, Lee joins us and we say some prayers together.
Then he motions to Keith, “Bring him out.”
Keith opens the punishment shed and drags Lewis out. His clothes are soaked with sweat and when he tries to sit up, his movements are laboured.
“Lewis decided he’d try and run away last night. What none of you realised is that our security is patrolling the outside of the camp and even if you do manage to get past them like Lewis did, there’s nothing within miles of here and they’re going to catch you.” Lee looks at the leaders. “Anyhow, gentlemen, I’ll leave his punishment to you. Goodnight everyone.”
Lee heads off towards his car and everyone stands there watching him go. Then Keith goes into the group leaders dorms.
Now I realise why the uniform they've made us wear is bright orange, so we'll be easy to spot if we try to run.
“Right,” says Gareth, “Strip him naked.”
Barnabas grabs Lewis’ top and Tyson his bottoms and they pull in separate directions leaving Lewis sprawled out on his back. His hands shoot to cover his groin.
“I want everyone to watch this.” Gareth scans the inmates, giving each of us a little eye contact. “Anyone who looks away will get a spanking then a night in the shed.” He stands over Lee and looks down at him. “We’ve given you a lot of chances and still you disobey us. So now you have to be punished.”
Keith returns with some leather belts and hands one to every other group leader and keeps one for himself. They surround Lewis.
“Lie over on your front,” says Gareth.
“Please, don’t!” Lewis holds Gareth’s hand.
Gareth pulls away. “If you don’t get on your front it will be worse. You brought this on all yourself.”
Lewis drops to the floor. He folds his arms underneath his head. Crying already.
Gareth takes a step back, then draws his arm back and lashes at Lewis with the belt. The belt whistles as it cuts through the air and lands on Lewis’ right shoulder with a loud pistol crack. Lewis cries out.
Just as that blow lands, Barnabas sends another one, using all his force, which lands on Lewis’ upper left leg. Then Keith hits his back and Tyson hits his arse. And they carry on, hitting up and down Lewis’ body, turning the pink flesh bright scarlet. Lewis starts to scream but they persist. The only one who is consistent is Tyson. Every blow he makes lands across Lewis’s arse. After six of Tyson’s blows it is burning scarlet.
I look around at the other inmates. Only some are watching. The other boys from Lewis’ group are crying. Why are we standing here? Why don’t we do something?
Then Lewis curls up into a ball, still screaming and crying, but even this doesn’t stop them. They keep going until the blows start to tear away the skin and three or four of the strikes draw blood
. Then they stop and catch their breaths.
Barnabas shouts at the two other members of his group. “Stop crying and get him back to the dorm.”
“That’s what happens,” says Tyson, “when you try and run away. Not worth it, is it?”
“Now the rest of you,” says Gareth, “get to bed.”
None of us talk when we get back to the dorm. We lie on our beds in our own worlds. Running away isn’t an option any more. I don’t want a beating like that. I’d rather kill myself.
It’s a few hours after dark when Gareth comes in and tells Noah to follow him. Noah looks at me and looks at Jacob and shakes his head.
“Leave him alone,” I say.
“I’m taking him for a walk to talk about his problems. You don’t have a right to backchat me.”
“We know where you’re taking him,” says Jacob, “and we’re not letting you do it to him. Why don't you go and fuck one of the other group leaders and leave the rest of us alone?”
Gareth doesn't even listen to him. “Do you know what’s going to happen to you if you don’t let me take him?”
“We don’t care,” says Jacob. “but if you do take him we’re going to tell Lee exactly what you and your friends have been up to. Aren’t we?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“I’ll tell him,” says Noah.
“He won’t believe you. People have tried it before and Lee knows it’s a way to try and get them out of here.”
I reach through the pain of what I know I’m trying to hide – from myself and everyone else. “I bet I can convince him. I saw your cock. I saw the big red birthmark above it. How would I know about that?”
Gareth seems unsure; he looks at us one by one waiting for a reaction.
I finish with a carrot. “But if you don’t try anything again with Noah, or with any of us we won’t say a word.”
“You’ll be sorry,” says Gareth and walks out.
I open the door after he leaves to see where he goes. He chats to Keith by the fire then the two of them go into Keith’s groups’ dorm.
I feel sorry for the boys they’ve gone to see, I do but I’m glad he’s not touching Noah.
“Thanks, guys.” Noah curls up on his bed.
“So that’s it,” I say. “We can’t run away now.”
“We’re going,” says Jacob. “I dunno when but we’re getting out of here.”
I get into my bunk and watch as the young boy in the hospital gown dances around my bed. I don’t think seeing him is a good sign.
Chapter Twelve
The next day at breakfast Lee congratulates us on passing the first stage of the camp. Whatever the fallout was from me burning that shed down isn’t mentioned and seems to have been let go. To celebrate we are given the day off. We’re allowed to watch TV, play board games and eat chocolate and crisps. We don’t even have to chop any firewood.
“The real work,” says Lee, “starts tomorrow.”
Lewis isn’t there for breakfast and one of his group goes out with a plate of toast and comes back again, so I assume he’s stuck in bed. How long will he be given? How long does it take to recover from a beating like that?
I can’t even think of that right now and on this day Noah, Jacob and I get a lot of time to talk, though while we’re in the main building with the others we all limit it to talking about our pasts. I have little to say about mine but I tell them about my school and my family. I don’t mention about the self learning thing or my exams. I don’t think it would be a good thing to be so honest and I fear I might come across as big headed.
When Noah tells us he’s into art, I ask him to draw a picture of me. He works on it for an hour through our conversation. Jacob is a musician and plays bass guitar. He wants to go to university and become a luthier and design and make his own instruments. That sounds like a cool (if not particularly academic) degree.
While we’re there together I forget everything that’s happened and I feel happy and that I’m having a good time. Noah shows me the drawing when it’s finished and I think it’s superb but I don’t think it looks much like me – it’s much too handsome.
“That’s amazing,” says Jacob, “you’ve got a real talent. Are you going to go to university?”
“I hope so,” says Noah. “I’ve always wanted to. None of my family has ever gone so I don't know.”
We play Monopoly, which I’ve never played before. Tactics don’t seem to be a strong part of the game and I lose. Then we play scrabble and I demolish them with three bingo bonuses for using all my tiles.
“Let’s not play that again,” says Jacob.
There’s a chess board but neither Noah or Jacob play. So we end up playing Rummy.
Around the room everything seems normal. The inmates are all chatting away and playing games though I notice a few who seem unanimated and it makes me wonder. Lunch comes and goes and the afternoon and everyone seems more relaxed. I don’t know how this is possible and yet I feel it in myself. It feels like I’m getting used to something – used to the constraints and threats of this place. Or maybe it's that the leaders aren't around for most of the day and only Lee is supervising us.
Lewis comes in for dinner that night. He hobbles to his seat and sits down with great care. His group mates go up and get his dinner for him.
The main meal that night is burgers and chips and I don't care about my gastronomic sensibilities when it comes to burgers and chips. I muscle it down.
After dinner we’re sent to our dorms for the rest of the night. We all sit on Noah’s bed for a while with our arms around each other. It feels nice, warm and reassuring, sitting there and saying nothing and we do so for at least an hour. I rest my head on Noah’s shoulder.
After a while, Jacob sits on my bed and faces us. Noah pulls me back into his arms and kisses my hair. It’s dangerous and anyone could come in at any time but I think we’d have enough warning to make how we were found seem acceptable.
I tell Jacob what I’ve been waiting to say all day. “I don’t think we should run away.”
Jacob frowns. “Cause of what happened to Lewis, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t take a beating like that and I don’t think Noah could either.
“No, we're still thinking of running away. We gotta get out of here.”
“But what it we get caught?” Noah tightens his arms around me and shivers.
“I’ll make sure we don’t get caught." Jacob's face is hard and determined. "I’ve sort of got a plan. I only need two more things and I think I know where I can get 'em. I’m gonna drive us out of here.”
“You can drive?” I am surprised.
“Kinda. My boyfriend’s given me a few lessons around a car park. I’ve never driven on a road but I’ll do it to get us out of this screwed up place. It’s all gonna come down to timing. Just don’t worry yourself about it; it’ll happen when it happens.”
That night, once the lights are out and I hear that Jacob is asleep, I call to Noah and he comes and sits on my bed. I move across and he lifts up the sheets and climbs in. We cuddle each other, our faces a millimetre apart.
I kiss his forehead, “Can I tell you now?”
“Tell me anything you like.” His hot breath hits my face.
“I love you. I want to be with you forever.” My hand slips down to his back.
“I’m worried. I’m worried this is all so emotional that you’re not in a place to know what you want. It’s all so new to you.”
“Gareth and the other leaders...” I keep breathing and I can’t say it.
Noah’s face drops. He holds onto me tighter. “Shh...”
“I thought it might ruin everything and I know you’re worried that I’m only like this because of all this going on but I figured it out today – I know now that we’re going to be together in spite of this place, not because of it. They can do what they like to me and it won’t stop me wanting to be with you. I love you.”
He smiles at me. It’s the most beautiful
thing I’ve ever seen. “I love you.”
The words run shivers through my body and makes me hold him even more tightly to my chest. We lie there open eyed looking into one another. He strokes my face and I rub his back. He doesn’t go near anything sexual because I think he knows I need some time. In all that touching and looking is real love that I can feel. He kisses me on the lips and then returns to his own bed.
That night I sleep better than I ever have before. I can’t remember dreaming but if I did it was not of Noah. It was of me by myself. Whatever Gareth and the others did to me has gone. I’ve forced it away behind the fire and it can’t hurt me any more.
When I open my eyes in the morning I see the hospital gown boy at the foot of my bed, smiling at me and skipping. I rub my eyes and he is still there.
“Who are you?” I ask.
He laughs and skips toward the door and disappears.
“Morning.” says Jacob. “Who are you taking to?”
“No one.” I get out of bed.
I’m glad he’s up. I desperately want to tell him what happened last night but before I can, Gareth barges in and shouts at us to get to breakfast.
After breakfast we chop wood. I’m getting adept at it now. There is a certain sound the wood makes when you cut clean through it. I find that if I focus on the sound everything happens by itself. By the time I finish my turn I’m not tired or sore in the least.
Then we are taken into the main hall for bible study. Only Barnabas and Tyson are there supervising. After about an hour, Lee comes and an asks Jacob to come with him and Jacob goes without a fuss.
An hour later Lee comes for me.
I follow him through the woods to a brick building that’s five minutes walk away from the main site. He opens the green door and tells me to go in. An awful smell of chemicals, piss and shit hits me in the face. I breathe through my mouth to try and mask it from my senses as I walk in but it doesn't make much difference. Inside is a desk with a metal chair that looks like some kind of outdoors furniture except there is a hole in the seat. On the desk is a large ring binder which is closed but I can see it is stuffed with laminated pages.
The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer Page 12