We start off with one, a six year old boy whose parents have abused him. He’s so much trouble to begin with but Noah and I tell him every day that he’s loved and can grow up to do and be anything he wants. After a few years he’s calmed down and he’s grown to trust us and knows we’ll never give up on him.
And then I think of Noah in the metal shed, cooking as the sun beats down on it. About the blood that was coming from him when Jacob checked to see how much damage had been done and how he wouldn’t even respond to me or Jacob and gave out low moans.
And then a new image begins to form in my head. What did happen? Noah didn’t speak or give me any of the details. Would he ever be able to? I assumed it was in the showers after Noah had been electrocuted and he’d have had no chance to resist. I can see Gareth, naked, pulling him onto the floor, then taking the wet soap and smearing it over Noah’s arsehole. Then he pulls his arse up so Noah’s on his hands and knees.
“Just relax and you’ll enjoy it you little pervert.” Gareth smears more soap onto his cock and pushes it in as Noah screams in pain. It’s not gentle or tender, it’s rough and animalistic. Gareth moans as he comes and slaps Noah on the arse. Then he pulls it out, his penis dripping with filth, cum, soap and blood.
Then I think about Jacob and this plan he's been holding off. Could this be it, could this be the way I could help make it happen? One less leader to contend with?
And now the axe is a foot away from striking, Gareth has turned back and realised what he’s done. He caught my eye but does not move his hand. He seems to have so much time but he’s caught up in how close he is to danger. If he moved his hand – if he only moved his hand this instant he’d be saved. He realises and his arm muscles start to contract.
Then there is the sound, the usual sound of a log splitting, only with a kind of snapping crunch as the passing of the axe head takes two of his fingers below the knuckle.
His hand begins to piss red at once and he lets out a scream as he falls to the floor and writhes.
“Sorry,” I shout. I drop the axe.
Jacob is standing there agog.
“Lee,” I shout, “there’s been an accident.”
Lee runs over and picks Gareth up. “Come on boys, help me get him to the fire and I’ll go get the car.”
The three of us pick him, drag him, back round to the fire and Lee shouts out for a first aid kit.
Keith arrives in less than a minute and between him and Lee they bind up Gareth’s hand with a bandage.
“Go get his fingers,” says Lee, “they might be able to put them back on.”
Lee wraps up the quarter hand in a triangular bandage then when Keith returns with them they wrap his fingers in another.
Gareth moans and screams.
I still don’t feel anything.
Then Lee runs off and comes back a couple of minutes later in the car. They put Gareth in the back and Keith sits next to him. They’re all so panicked.
Barnabas and Tyson arrive and stand motionless beside the car.
“What happened?” asks Barnabas.
“Malachi accidentally chopped off Gareth’s fingers. We have to get him to the hospital. Hold the fort till we get back.” Then Lee drives away.
Tyson and Barnabas walk away and have a conversation out of our earshot. After a few minutes, Tyson calls to us to wait by the fire. He then goes into the main hall and calls everyone outside.
Barnabas drags Noah out of the punishment shed and leaves him flat on the ground but the door is left open and I think I’m going in. I’m shaking. Noah tries to get up but slumps down again. I turn to Jacob. "Make this worth it. Get us out of here."
The rest of the inmates come through the doors with Tyson at their rear. They form up by the fire on the other side of Jacob and me.
Tyson marches up and down in front of them. “Malachi assaulted one of the group leaders. Gareth has been taken to the hospital.”
All the boys look at me. Some smile, some faces are as blank as Noah’s.
Tyson turns to me. “So now you must be punished. You know what happens when you break the rules.”
I run but I don’t get far. Tyson tackles me to the ground and punches me in the ribs. Then him and Barnabas drag me back by the fire and rip my clothes off.
“Leave him alone.” shouts Jacob. He runs at Tyson and throws a punch at his face, but Tyson is far too fast and dodges it. He then puts his arm round Jacob’s neck and punches him in the stomach, one, two, three, four times. Jacob falls to the floor next to me. Our eyes meet and he doesn’t look away. It doesn’t take long for Barnabas to get the belts.
I plead with them not to. I cry and I scream and say I’m sorry.
“You’re not getting out of this,” says Tyson and he takes a belt off Barnabas. “Take it like a man. Now get on your front.”
I do as I’m told, still whimpering and crying. The young boy in the hospital gown is standing in front of me and hopping on one foot. It’s almost funny. There is a moment of silence and then the first blow hits my upper back, then another and another. the lashes land like axe blows and I moan at each one in pathetic bubbly tones as saliva drips from my mouth.
I scream and turn over on the floor in the hope they will stop but I can see them as the bring blow after blow down with all their might on me, my chest, my face, my legs. I whelp at each one. I want to tell them to stop but I can’t get my breath or composure to cry out before another blow lands. Tyson aims one at my groin which only hits my inner thigh. I turn back over and try to crawl and that’s when they start hitting my arse. I turn over again and blows hit my stomach and my chest, my legs and my arms. There’s no escape. Then the belt catches me in the left eye and I start screaming. The blows seem to come from every direction and hit me in every place they can find. Then one slaps up and hits my balls and I feel breakfast in my mouth.
They stop as I puke. I turn and collapse on the floor. So much pain from every part of me. For a moment I look up at Tyson and Barnabas and they are smiling and laughing. For them this is the greatest thing in the world – a toy to which they can do anything they like.
“Now get on your knees,” orders Tyson.
I’m too damaged to move. Tyson kicks me in the leg and somehow I manage the strength. I pull myself up and look down at my body. There are thick red marks all down me, some leaking blood.
“Let’s give him some with the buckle ends,” says Tyson.
Jacob gets up and runs into them and they push him back onto the ground. I can hear Noah crying but I can’t see him.
The boy in the gown touches my hand. “Stay down. don’t move. I’m here with you.”
They step back from me and I can hear the swish of the belt as Tyson steps into the blow. The belt hits my back and the buckle slams into my right side a moment later, piercing me like a huge wasp sting.
Then it’s Barnabas’s turn. He steps back and makes sure only the buckle hits me. It lands on my back and there is a searing pain that spreads throughout my body. I feel the piss trailing out of me as I collapse back to the ground. Then they don’t hurt any more and I can trace where the metal hits me. The next one hits my shoulder. Then one hits the back of my head. Several land, blow after blow on my back. Another slaps round my face hits my left eye
Part Three –The Harrowing
If poisonous minerals, and if that tree
Whose fruit threw death on else immortal us,
If lecherous goats, if serpents envious
Cannot be damn'd, alas, why should I be?
Why should intent or reason, born in me,
Make sins, else equal, in me more heinous?
And mercy being easy, and glorious
To God, in his stern wrath why threatens he?
But who am I, that dare dispute with thee,
O God? Oh, of thine only worthy blood
And my tears, make a heavenly Lethean flood,
And drown in it my sins' black memory.
That thou remember them, so
me claim as debt;
I think it mercy, if thou wilt forget.
John Donne
Chapter Fourteen
I wake up in darkness, naked on a hard floor. At the first move I try to make I feel pain coming from every point in my body. I think about Jacob trying to protect me. I think about Noah and what’s been done to him. I think about my parents and wonder why they wanted any of this for me and I cry and dribble onto the metal floor.
I entertain the idea that maybe I’m wrong about everything. That maybe there is a god and he is doing this to me. That being gay is an abomination and that he has sent other gays to cure me. That this is a temporary stop in hell, or purgatory.
And it may be working – the last thing on my mind at the moment is sex. My body seizes as I moan and cry. None of this is under my control. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to. The war in my mind has almost been lost. Every ground that matters has been captured save this last one. I don’t know any more. I just don’t know any more.
I put my hand out and can feel the corrugated Iron of the punishment shed. It is not hot, which means it is almost certainly night time.
Someone opens the door and I am being pulled to my feet.
“Noah, give me a hand.” It’s Jacob.
The two of them lift me up.
Jacob pulls my arm over his shoulder. “Can you walk?”
I put my other arm around Noah. I make a noise which sounds almost like yes.
“I’m getting us out of here,” says Jacob. “Now.”
We move out into the fire light. There is no one around. I know that Jacob must have timed this as best he can but the last thing I want to see is Lee or one of the leaders. I’m blind in my left eye and it feels closed over.
Noah looks at me and says nothing. He looks horrified.
My skin feels tight wherever I move and it stings to walk and to have Jacob and Noah touch me. As we pass by the fire light I look down at my body. I am bruised all over. My side where the buckle hit me has now scabbed over but has left a trail of dried blood down my stomach. the blood from the wound on my shoulder has trailed down my arm. Noah looks at me and tears drop down his face. My back feels like it’s been torn to pieces and I’m sure it has. In places it feels wet with blood and, in others, sticky with dried blood.
Jacob is carrying a big holdall, from where, I don’t know. He leads us through the forest to a lay-by at the side of a dirt road where a small, blue hatchback is parked.
We stop there, inside the forest.
Noah sits on the floor and lets me lean back on him and use his body like a chair. When I sit back there is pain everywhere so I have to lean forward again. When I look at his top there is blood all over it, clear to the eye even in the dark. Then after a few minutes my back feels soaked. I reach round and touch a wet spot but it is so sore. I pull my hand back and can see the blood on it, even in what little light we have.
Noah stands up and takes my hand. “Leave it alone. Just try to ignore it.” Jacob reaches into the bag, gets out a bottle of water and passes it to me and I drink. “You two keep quiet. We shouldn’t be here long.”
“We raided the leaders dorm,” says Noah. “There was food and all sorts.”
“Sorry we didn’t get you any clothes,” says Jacob. “I didn’t think about it.”
I don’t care about them seeing me naked – they’ve seen it plenty of times since we’ve been here but I don’t like them seeing me torn up like this. Even in this much pain I can see it’s all Noah can do to look at me.
Jacob walks over and he kisses me on the lips. Then he kisses Noah and I feel like this plan is going to work, whatever it is. “I love ya both and I’m not gonna let them do anything to you ever again. I need you both to be strong, just for now. Can you do it? We’ll be out of here soon.”
I realise that even with all the pain in my body I can be strong. If it gets us out of here.
“We can do it,” says Noah.
Jacob pulls something else of the bag which I can’t make out then moves away from us. Now, in the fresh air, it hits me how disgusting I smell. Sweat, piss, I think I might have even defecated on myself.
“Sorry. I’m a mess.” My words dribble out. I go to touch my closed over eye but Noah pulls my hand away.
“Don’t.” He kisses my forehead and I begin to feel safe. “Don’t be sorry. You’re my hero. Jacob told me what you did to Gareth.” He clutches my hand in both of his.
“Please don’t let me go.” A jolt of pain comes from my back. I swoon for a second and feel like I’m going to faint but Noah has me and helps me down onto my knees.
“Stop right there.” Jacob speaks in hushed tones.
“I don’t know what you think you’re doing,” says Lee, “but you won’t get away with it. Security will be on you in minutes and you’ll be right back with me again. If we go back now I’ll let you get back to your dorm and we won’t say any more about it.”
Noah helps me get back up. We walk towards the car and I see Jacob holding a survival knife, tip first, against Lee’s back. From the pained expression on Lee's face it would seem that Jacob is sticking it into him somewhat.
“Put your car keys on the bonnet or I promise you I’ll stick this blade all the way in.” Jacob slaps his free hand around Lee’s head. “Do it, now!”
Lee drops the keys on the bonnet. ’Where are you going to go? I’ve got parental custody of you while you’re here. You’ll get caught by the police and will be sent back to me. Why don’t you think about it for a second and come back with me?“
“No, when we tell people what you’ve been doing here. Electric shocks, beatings.” Jacob’s voice it still a whisper but now it’s one with menace.
Now I’m by the car.
“Your parents signed a consent form,” says Lee. “They knew what treatment we offered. They knew precisely what they wanted. The minute you get home to them they’re going to send you back. They’re ashamed of you and you should be ashamed of yourselves. If you walk out of here you’re walking straight to hell.”
Noah cringes when he mentions hell. He moves back towards the forest and picks something up. I can’t tell what.
Jacob raises his voice. “Look at Malachi. Look at him.”
Lee looks at me and my damaged body.
Jacob glares at me. “Show him your back.”
I’ve never seen Jacob look so angry. I turn around at once.
Jacob is no longer whispering. “Was that part of the treatment? I could cut your fucking throat you cunt!"
I turn back around.
Lee maintains his calm and confident tone. “I didn’t know anything about that. Why don’t we all go back and talk about it. Drop the knife. You’re not going to use it.”
“Try me.”
Noah runs from behind me. He raises the rock he picked up in his right hand and smashes it into Lee’s head with a dull cracking sound.
Lee drops like a felled tree. His hat flies off and lands on the dirt. Noah stamps on his head. Jacob pulls him away before he can do it a second time.
Lee lays motionless on the ground but still breathing.
I wish I could do the same as Noah and more. I wish I had the strength in me to stamp on his neck. To end him. This evil bastard who’s put us through all of this. A man who knew how violent these group leaders were and walked away while they did the things he doubtless ordered. I want to take the knife and mutilate him the way they have mutilated me but I can’t. I can hardly stand up.
Jacob goes back to the tree line and picks the bag up and then we get into the car, him and Noah in front and me in the back. I cover myself up with the blanket that’s laid across the back seat and lie on my front as best I can.
Jacob starts the engine. “It’s a good thing this is an automatic.”
“He’s an American,” I say. “That’s all they know how to drive.”
They both laugh. It is a magical music that fills the space.
Jacob lifts up the handbrake and we a
re off.
“There’s food in the bag,” says Jacob. “You both need to eat.”
I rummage through the holdall and pull out packs of crisps and chocolate bars. I pass some to Noah. He offers chocolate to Jacob.
“I better concentrate on this,” he says. “I’ll eat when we stop.”
I finish a Snickers in seconds then start on some salted crisps. As much as I hurt all over I’m so hungry. “Where are we going?”
“I don’t know,” says Jacob, “but I’ve got a plan. There’s a mobile phone in that bag. Get it out and ready. When we find a place we can hide and identify I’m going to call the cavalry to come get us.”
Jacob’s driving is slow and careful. I think that if we’re spotted by the police we’ll be in big trouble because he doesn’t seem confident at all but as we carry on going he finds his nerve.
At the end of a long country road we see the first sign past a country house. We’re somewhere called Blackmoor Gate. Jacob pulls into farm area with a huge barn surrounded by tall shrubs which I hope will hide us.
He takes the phone and dials on speaker.
“Hello?” comes a voice from the other end.
“Warren,” says Jacob. “It’s me.”
“Jakey,” the way he says it, so full of joy and love, I know this must be Jacob’s boyfriend. “Happy birthday. I hoped I’d hear from you. How’s straight camp?”
“I…” That’s all he can say. He chokes and breaks down.
“Jakey, Jakey. What’s wrong? What’s happening?”
Jacob sobs and holds out the phone. Noah takes it.
“Hi Warren. I don’t think he can talk.”
“Who’s this?”
“I’m Noah. I’m here with Malachi and Jacob.”
“What’s going on? Who are you?”
“There’s too much to explain and if I try to tell you I’m going to get into a state as well. We’re looking after each other but we broke out of the camp and we need you to come and get us.”
“Where are you?”
“Were in a place called Blackmoor Gate.”
The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer Page 14