A church service – oh no, but I look at them, all ready for their evening and I look at the bag of presents and I nod. "I’d like that."
My mum opens the door to go out.
“Hold on.” I put my hand on her shoulder to stop her going out. “I want to tell you something. I forgive you. Both of you. What happened to me wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have seen it coming.”
Both of them cry. They stand there and cry and the look of relief on my mum’s face...
So I endure the service, which is very short. My dad gives a talk on forgiveness and family which I can see is extemporaneous. Yes, he brings Jesus into it – but it’s something.
After, at the buffet, I stand next to my parents as everyone talks to them – their good little boy again. I’m eating an amazing piece of Quiche Lorraine, which is a punch in the face with cheese and bacon, when I’m jumped on from behind with two arms around me.
“Malachi!”
I turn around but my eyes are blocked by a face full of curls and until she stops hugging me and lets me go I can’t tell that it’s Sarah. She’s wearing an amazing dark blue dress and her hair is all out in its natural curls. She looks older, much older and so happy to see me.
I smile and laugh. “It’s good to see you. I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“We changed church. Where have you been?”
I take her hand and lead her out into the entrance lobby. I tell her everything that happened – the entire story and show her some of my scars. She cries through most of it.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m sorry that all that happened to you.”
And I’m so glad she’s there with me because the moment I saw her there was something I had to say. I hug her. “No, I’m sorry. You were the only real friend I had at school and I was so caught up in myself I didn’t think about you. I promise I won’t let that won’t happen again.”
We exchange phone numbers. I go back in to say goodbye to my mum and dad and then head back to Earls Court.
The next morning, Christmas Eve, Noah and I are kneeling down outside living room door. I turn the handle as quietly as I can and Noah nudges the door. It squeaks before it’s even open an inch. I can hear the sounds of paper being cut and Sellotape being unreeled.
“Stop it.” Sam calls from behind the door.
Noah and I both giggle.
The door is pushed shut and so we try again.
“Stop it!” Sam sounds annoyed. I hear the lock go in the door and can hear him walking round the other way, through the kitchen and back out to the hallway.
Noah giggles, gets up and runs to the stairs and I can’t stop laughing as I follow him.
We stick our heads around the banister to see Sam standing there with his hands on his hips.
“You’re not allowed in until everything is ready!” He laughs and we both laugh too.
The door bell rings and Sam answers it.
Isla is at the door. “Is Malachi in?”
I look beside me and Daniel is there.
“Of course, come in.” Sam lets her through. “Do you two want some space?”
She nods.
Sam looks at me. “Take her through to the kitchen. No peeping into the living room.”
I kiss Noah and he goes upstairs.
Sam comes through with us and then goes back the other way through to the lounge.
I get Isla a can of posh lemonade from the fridge and one for myself and we sit at the table as Daniel skips around us.
I don’t know why she’s here. She’s the last person I was expecting to see.
“It’s a nice house.” She opens her can. “It's very Christmassy.”
“I thought I’d see you yesterday.” I want to know why she’s here and I wish she’d get to it. Is this a friendly visit?
“I was at a friends house, we did a pre-Christmas thing with a load of friends from uni.” She takes a drink. “I got back late last night and Mum and Dad told me you’d forgiven them. They were so happy, Mal. I don’t think you even know what it means to them. They’ve started breathing again.”
“I’m glad.”
“And I’m here because I need you to forgive me too.” She doesn’t look at me when she says it. Her words fade into silence and I don’t know what to say. I can’t think what she wants forgiveness for. I can tell she’s serious, emotional.
“You didn’t do anything.” I reach out and touch her arm. I’ve never seen her like this before.
She looks up at me. “When you and Daniel were taken into hospital, I was looking after you. I loved it when mum would let me watch you. We’d sit together watching a film and I’d sneak treats in from the kitchen for us.
“Then Daniel died and I blamed myself. It happened so fast. I gave you both Calpol and put you to bed. I called Mum and she said not to worry as it was probably a cold.” She bursts into tears. “I’ll never forgive myself.”
I try to hug her but she holds up her hand and won’t let me.
“I have to get this out.” She takes a drink.
I feel myself choking up and I take a drink as well.
She calms a little. “Then we had to move and Dad told me I was never to mention Daniel in front of you. Mum and Dad cleared every photo of him away in the attic. I never dealt with it. I know I treated you so badly and tried to keep out of your life because I couldn’t stand what I’d done to you, what I’d taken away from you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” That’s as much as she can say before the tears take control.
Daniel stands next to her and I don’t know what to say. I stand up and put a hand on her shoulder and when she gets up we lock our arms around one another.
“I forgive you. But what happened to Daniel and me wasn’t your fault. We got ill.”
She doesn’t say anything. I don’t think she’s able to and I’m barely able to hold her up.
Then I hear Noah’s voice from the door. “Would this be a bad time to get a slice of cake?”
Then I start laughing and tears fall from my eyes.
Isla lets go of me and turns to look at him. He’s wearing a Christmas Elf onesie with hood and big pointy ears.
She laughs and cries and laughs and holds her arm out for him and he comes over and gives her a hug.
“I’m Isla.”
“I’m Noah. It’s good to meet you.”
We show Isla round the house and she seems impressed. Noah is so proud with the interest she shows in his paintings. He picks up a small wood panel on which he’s painted a cherry tree and gives it to her. “Merry Christmas.”
I ask if she can stay for another drink but she has to get back.
I see her to the door. “Mum and Dad know I’m never coming home to stay forever, right?”
“They know.” She kisses me. “You’re a man now, Malachi.” She pulls a letter out and hands it to me. “This is my Christmas present for you. Don’t open it till I’m gone and don’t tell Mum and Dad – I’ll tell them after Christmas. Make sure you phone them tomorrow.” She hugs me and leaves.
I stand there for a moment watching her walk up the street, Daniel at her side. After they slip out of sight something tells me I’ll never see him again.
I open the letter and it’s from Warwick University.
Dear Miss Russell,
Your request to change your course of study to BA Psychology has been approved.
I only need to read those first two lines. It makes me smile – she’s escaping at last.
I return to the kitchen. Noah, Sam and Catherine are there waiting for me. We go into the lounge and the tree is up and decorated. Piles of presents are stacked underneath and the entire room sparkles with tinsel reflecting the flickering light of the fire.
That night there’s a huge Christmas Eve party in the house. Friends and colleagues of Sam and Catherine turn up in droves. Jacob and Warren turn up and I know it’s going to be a fantastic night.
All the food is catered from outside. Noah and I ea
t far too much and even manage to sneak a few cups of mulled wine.
As soon as Thom and his wife get there, he pulls Jacob, Noah and Me aside.
“I don’t want to upset any of you but I’ve got some good news. We’ve tracked them all down – all of them. There’s movement on the case from CPS and we’re going to move for extradition.”
I don’t know how to feel about it. We don’t discuss it amongst ourselves, we get back to having fun. An hour later, after he’s had a few drinks, Thom sits at the piano and starts the Christmas songs. Almost everyone gathers round and joins in. In-between each song he plays these little jazz pieces, totally showing off.
At midnight we all wish one another a Merry Christmas. Noah grabs me and we snog in front of everyone. The people who stare at us do so with smiles on their faces.
I start to well up as Thom starts playing Silent Night. I walk out into the hallway and open the door and go out of the house. I hear the singing in the background as the first drops of snow hit my face. I feel so happy and so sad at the same time and I can’t stop thinking about Porter and I can’t help but cry. I hear the carol in the background and it makes me angry. I press my knuckles into the wall but someone grabs my wrist.
Noah puts his arm around me and kisses my cheek. “It’s the song, isn’t it?”
I was so distracted I didn't notice him follow me out. I hold onto him and the tears stop. He’s so perfect – so warm and so delicate. “I don’t know.”
He puts his hand on my back and I can feel him shivering in the cold. “Let’s go back inside. We don’t have to sing that song any more.”
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DJC
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Part One – The Wilderness
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Part Two – The Crucifixion
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Part Three –The Harrowing
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Part Four – The Resurrection
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty One
Chapter Twenty Two
Chapter Twenty Three
Chapter Twenty Four
Part Five – Ascension
Chapter Twenty Five
Chapter Twenty Six
The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer Page 28