Miriam blinked. “Yeah, I can see the logic in that. If you don’t feel anything, you don’t get hurt.”
I nodded.
“But is it possible that there are things you’re missing out on? Some feelings are nice.”
“Doesn’t matter, they don’t last. Nothing lasts.”
“Nothing lasts, huh? Your crew seems to be pretty loyal to you. And if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that Jordan Berrett cares a great deal for you as well. Think that’ll last?” she asked.
“Who knows? I mean, for all I know my crew could be dead tomorrow and Berrett could be hanging around just to make sure the Underground gets their share of the Eternigen if we manage to recreate it. Not that I want him hanging around. It’s far too difficult to ....”
Tighten the screws. Hold the breath. Lock it down.
“Too difficult to what?” pressed Miriam.
Maybe I had tightened the screws too much, but something seemed to splinter inside me. I felt a sudden desire to let go, to let myself buckle under the weight of my destructive life. Hope, that persistent little devil, was up to her old tricks. Hope was trying to get me to believe that there was actually something Miriam could say or do that would make me feel better. Normal was far too much to hope for, but better? Better might be worth a risk.
“Too difficult to love someone when you’re cursed.”
Miriam chuckled. “Surely you don’t believe in curses, Dix.”
“Well, not exactly, but all the evidence is there. I forgot to give the Eternigen to my dad. As a result, I lost my entire family and had to start over as someone else.”
“Trudy Loveless.”
I nodded. “And then when Berrett tried to help me, his master and the entire shipyard crew were killed, and then Hank, and Mark and Bethany... it’s my fault. All of it.”
“That’s a lot of guilt for one girl to be carrying around.”
I shrugged. “Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be running around ecstatic over the fact that I caused the deaths of so many people.”
“Did you cause their deaths?” asked Miriam.
“I just told you I did. Weren’t you listening? If it weren’t for me, my brother and my parents would still be alive!”
“Do you really know that, Dix? Could you possibly have foreseen the results of not giving your father the box?”
“I should have. I should have.” My own voice sounded far away. I could feel myself floating away from the situation, pulling out, hiding somewhere safe deep inside myself where nobody could find me. Despite my efforts, a stray tear wandered away down my cheek. I felt like I was being pulled closer and closer to my breaking point, and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.
“Dix, can you scratch Rochester’s ears, please?”
I nodded. I started scratching behind his ears again, and he purred louder. I took a deep breath and exhaled. The furry orange kitten rolled over on his back and stretched out on my lap. I rubbed his little tummy and he curled around my hand and fell asleep.
I smiled. “He really is cute.”
Miriam nodded. “Let me just suggest a few things, and then we’ll be done for today. It seems to me that you are overestimating your own power to control the situation. How old were you when your family died?”
“Twelve. I had just turned twelve.”
“That’s pretty young, Dix. And have you ever stopped to consider that had your father been given the vial, things may have been worse? Perhaps your survival and the survival of the Eternigen is the best possible outcome.”
I watched Rochester’s tummy rise and fall as he breathed. I tried to make my own breaths keep pace with his. I became engrossed with this effort, forgetting Miriam was even there.
“Dix?”
“Huh?”
“Where are you going?”
“What?”
“When you zone out like that, where do you go?” asked Miriam.
I looked at her. “Holy skud, you got me to do it anyway!” I put Rochester gently back in the corner of the leather couch and headed for the door.
“Dix?”
“No. I’m done talking.”
“Dix. Sit down.”
I sat.
“You need more help. There are a lot of things that you feel intensely, and it’s not healthy for you to continue bottling them up. I know how much you care about Jordan. Why don’t you let that relationship grow a little, as an experiment to see what happens?”
“So I can be a train wreck when he winds up dead? No thank you. Now, if you’re done dispensing ridiculous advice, I have a ship to clean.”
“Dix, you really do need to work through this.”
“I can’t afford to.” I stood up to walk out, but Hobs was already standing in the doorway, pale as chalk.
“Overhear something shocking, Hobs?” I asked.
He didn’t say a word, just leaned towards me and hit play on his Cuff.
“In the wake of the senseless murder of a young family on Titan yesterday, investigators have issued a warrant for the arrest of Tabitha Dixon, a career criminal wanted for numerous crimes against the System. In a shocking press conference this morning, Detective Scot Gee, lead investigator in the case, issued the following statement.
“‘The victims were all clients of one Trudy Loveless, which we now know is an alias of the fugitive Tabitha Dixon. We believe that Tabitha Dixon is responsible for these horrific murders, though her motive remains unclear. We advise anyone who has worked with Tabitha Dixon or her alias Trudy Loveless to take extra precautions to ensure your safety and to notify the authorities immediately if she makes any attempt to contact you. Your lives may be in danger.’
“In a heartwarming show of concern for the colonies, President Forsythe issued his own statement, personally offering a substantial reward for any information that leads to Dixon’s arrest.”
I gave Hobson his Cuff back, my jaw slack. The little family was one of our last clients. They were darling. They didn’t deserve to be slaughtered because Eira wasn’t getting her way. Worst of all, the blame for these atrocities was being laid at my feet.
The smoldering coals of anger banked in my gut erupted into a fiery rage as I let out a scream and fell to my knees.
“Go get the crew, Hobs. This ends now.”
TAKEN 24
MAMA B. WALKED PAST ME AS I WAS STRAIGHTENING MY quarters onboard Liberty. “Hey, Mama. Is Berrett back yet?” I asked.
“Nope,” she replied. “He should be home soon. Everyone else is in their bunks getting things ready to go, as per your request. How’d it go with Miriam?”
I shrugged. “Fine.”
Mama B. leaned in my doorway. “Hobs showed you the video, didn’t he?”
“Yeah.” I yanked the bed sheet so tight over my cot that one edge tore. I cussed under my breath. Mama B. came into the room to help me finish making the bed.
“I’m so sorry. There’s no magic solution for making troubles easier, honey. The path to healing is different for everyone, but you know, you can be proud of yourself for even trying to walk down that path in the first place.”
I sighed and sat down on my bed. Mama B. said nothing. She just sat down next to me and put her arm around me. We sat quietly for a minute until at last she broke the silence. “You know, if you were my daughter, I’d consider myself one lucky parent. You’re doing well. Just keep swinging.”
She stood up and continued on her way, but her words lingered in my mind long after she had gone.
I walked the length of Liberty, checking in on everyone as I went. I poked my head into CiCi’s room. Her bed was covered with the spare ship parts she had collected, and she was labeling and organizing each one. Hobson’s lab was nearly spotless, Bell was getting settled in her quarters, and Rivera was shining his boots. Miriam was hanging fresh curtains around her room, her scented candles slowly changing the smell of the ship from oily teenager to flower garden.
I wasn’t totally sure how I felt about that,
but I didn’t suppose I had much choice in the matter. What did bring me some joy was that my family was back, and bigger than when I had started out. I sat down in my chair in the cockpit and examined the plans for getting off Neptune. With Eira and the SUN ships orbiting around us, there was only one time possible to launch and enter orbit in a place where no one was flying—tomorrow at noon. The plan was not without its risks. Even if we had clear space, we would have to engage the thrusters and fly to the jump gate immediately in order to take advantage of the head start. My plan was to draw Eira away from the SUN ships and then fly a shuttle to her ship and turn myself in.
Nothing was worth the cost of human lives. Nothing. She could have the flarking vial for all I cared, and my freedom with it. I was done with human sacrifice.
Hobson burst into the cockpit and interrupted my plotting.
“Oh captain, my captain!” he cried.
“Yo.”
Hobs picked me up out of my chair and swung me around in his skinny little arms. “I have a surprise for you! You’re going to love it!” Just as he put me down, a horrible rattling ran through Liberty.
Hobs and I exchanged looks of concern. “What was that?” I asked.
“Space dust. Lots of it.” Hobs smiled at me, then doubled over and fell to the floor as the report of a gun echoed through the corridors.
“Hobs!” I screamed.
I fell to my knees and rolled him over. A bullet had struck him in the stomach and he was bleeding profusely.
“Flarking skud, Hobs, you can’t do this to me, you can’t do this to me!”
I threw off my vest and ripped off my shirt, crumpling it into a ball and pressing it to Hobs’s middle with as much pressure as I dared, hoping to slow the bleeding. I covered Hobs with my jacket and watched the color drain from his face.
“Isaac Hobson, you stay with me. You stay with me,” I yelled.
His eyes started to glaze over. “D..... I ha..... I have a surprise,” he whispered.
I put my finger on his lips and closed his eyes with my hand. “I know, you told me. Don’t talk right now. You need to save your energy. We can get you help, Hobs, we can—”
“Captain!” screamed CiCi.
I felt the color draining from my own face as I heard more shots being fired inside Liberty.
“Flarking piece of ....” I looked down at Hobson and the words faded before I could say them. Swear words didn’t quite cover it.
“This is not how I planned the day to go,” he mumbled.
I wasn’t about to leave my best friend. I mustered all my strength, hefted him up in my arms, and tottered down to the hold. Hobson moaned with pain as I wobbled into a bulkhead and slid back to the ground. There was blood everywhere. As I stared through the doors to the hold, I saw Bell, CiCi, and Rivera hunkered down in one corner.
In the other were at least ten shooters.
“All that’s holy,” I whispered.
“Where?” asked Hobson.
“Shut up, Hobs. Rivera! Cover me!”
I lifted Hobs again and maneuvered as fast as I could for the side exit. Hobs moaned louder in my arms, the pain becoming more than he could consciously bear.
“I’ll save you, Hobson, I promise,” I said.
“Mmm, love you too ....”
“Hold your fire.”
The woman’s voice sent a chill through my body. I ignored it and kept moving for the door.
“Tabitha Dixon, if you want to live, stop right now and turn around.”
Ha! I didn’t care if I lived. I cared about getting Hobson help. I said nothing and kept heading for the door.
“You can’t save him if you’re dead.”
I turned and faced Eira Ninge.
“You have no right to attack, this is—”
“A sanctuary planet?” Eira stepped toward me, clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and smiled.
I felt sick. In person, her smile was terrifying.
“You are not actually on Neptune. You are on my ship. Ergo, you have no sanctuary rights. Also, I wouldn’t go out that side door. There’s at least fifty feet between you and the ground, and every second that goes by that distance increases.”
“What?” I cried. “How did you even land?”
“Don’t be simple, Dix, it’s unbecoming. Don’t you realize by now that everyone has their price? Getting on the planet was not a problem. My ship landed on yours and lifted off. Poof! You’re not on Neptune. Isn’t that convenient?”
She continued to walk toward me. “How about a trade, Tabitha? I’ll call off my soldiers, we land the ship, you get Hobson some medical attention, possibly get dressed. It must be awkward, you know, running around in nothing but a bra.”
“That’s it? You’re just going to let me go?”
“Of course.”
As the words left her cherry red mouth, Hobson shifted in my arms, and the chain with the vial on it clinked against my chest.
Eira’s eyes widened and then narrowed. She leapt for my throat, but Rivera shot her in the shoulder before she could reach me. Eira yelped in pain as she sank to the ground in front of me.
“Run!” yelled Rivera. He slid a sailboard across the ground and into the wall just beyond the side door.
I shot Rivera a dirty look. “I’m a teenage girl, not the Hulk!” I looked down at my friend. His eyes were wide with pain as he reached for something in his pocket.
“What are you doing?”
“Put me down,” he muttered. I did as he asked. Hobs’s face scrunched up as he pulled a key from his pocket. “Rivera!” he screamed. With the last ounce of strength in his body, he threw the key to Rivera, who snatched it out of the air before hunkering back down again with his gun.
I looked at Hobs’s pale face, the beads of sweat shining on his forehead.
I had to be stronger than I was.
For Hobson.
I grabbed him under the shoulders as bullets erupted around us. He cried out in pain as I pulled him along the ground and onto the sailboard. I wrapped the foot straps around each of his arms.
“Trust me?” I asked.
He nodded.
I pushed the sailboard with Hobs on it out the side door.
I leapt out after him, grabbed the handlebar, and engaged the engine just in time to pull up and land. Hobs yelped in pain as we hit the ground. I let go of the handlebar and pulled Hobs towards the house, screaming his name and trying to keep him conscious. I had almost reached Miriam’s courtyard when Eira’s ship thrusters roared to life.
She was flying away with my ship and my crew.
“Flark!” I yelled.
“Dix ...,” whispered Hobson.
“I’m here, I’m here. The healers will be able to—”
Hobs shook his head. “I’m ... done, Dix. I’m ... going ....”
I held his hand and took a deep breath. “You are going home. With me. We’ll take you back to Venus and—”
“Yeah. Venus. My lab ...” He smiled slightly as his breathing became more erratic. His grip on my hand became painfully tight, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to let go.
“Yes, Hobs, your lab. You can hide there and we’ll get the crew and the ship back while you’re getting better and—”
“Tabitha, are you there?” he asked.
“Hobs, I’m right here, I’m right here,” I cried. I took his hand and pressed it to my cheek.
“Tabitha ... can I have a kiss?”
A sob broke from my chest. I leaned down and pressed my lips gently to his, my tears spilling over onto his face.
“Don’t cry ...,” said Hobs. He reached up to brush my tears away, but there were too many for him. “Your face is so pretty, even ... even when you’re sad, Tabi ... Tabitha ... I always kept my heart in a box. In a box in the floor. It’s where I’ve always ... I’ve always loved you. No one else ... just my ... my ... Dix. My ....”
His body relaxed in my arms as his spirit left his body behind.
�
��Hobs!” I screamed. “Isaac! Wake up! Wake up!”
I heard footsteps coming up behind me.
“Dix?” asked Berrett.
“Wake him up!” I screamed.
Berrett yelled for Miriam, not realizing that she wasn’t there.
Eventually, other healers came.
Someone pried me off Hobs, I don’t remember who.
Time stopped. Everything stopped.
Hobs was gone.
I don’t know when I realized the screams echoing in the wind were mine.
SHATTERED 25
I DON’T REMEMBER HOW I WOUND UP IN THE BATHROOM, BUT I do recall I cried so hard I gagged over the toilet. The warmth of Hobson’s last goodbye was still on my lips and his blood was on my hands. I didn’t want to wash it off, didn’t want to lose him, couldn’t bear to say goodbye. I screamed and punched at pillows and threw things that were never made to be thrown. The sound of shattering glass and porcelain only fueled me.
None of it mattered.
Nothing mattered at all.
Hobs had been in love with me, and I’d had no idea until just before the life rushed out of his eyes.
I curled up in a tiny ball on the bathroom rug, shivering and lost. I couldn’t accept it. Any minute now, I told myself, Hobs will come bounding into the room with that bouncing mass of blond curls and put his arms around me and I’ll feel okay again.
Any minute now ..
“Hobs!” I stood up, kicked the door, and screamed again.
I don’t remember anything between that scream and when one of the healers came in. Hours may have passed, or just minutes. I don’t know. By the time she arrived, my eyes were practically swollen shut, and even if they hadn’t been, I didn’t want to open them.
“Let me see your hands,” she said. I shook my head and curled around them. “Tabitha, give me your hands. We need to get you clean.”
“No!” I yelled. “You can’t take him away!”
“He’s not here, Tabitha. Hobs is home now. He’s safe, and he’s free of pain. He’ll always be with you.”
Tears rolled out of my eyes as my body flailed and shook. I don’t know how, but the healer managed to uncurl me and help me get cleaned and dressed and tucked into my bed. I cried until I fell asleep.
Liberty Page 20