by Hattie Mae
He sat stiffly on his bed and stared at the cold round object that stirred no past memories. He turned it over and looked at it up close, a plain gold ring with a message etched inside. Forever.
He stood on shaky legs and walked to the back door, opened it and let the cool night air wash over him. Again he thought of the small blonde woman that stood at the edge of his memory. He closed his eyes he begged her to turn around. His mind searched for a clue, anything.
The sound of Joelette returning made him hasten to turn off his light. He was not ready to face Joelette, tonight, the information or lack of was too much. He still held the ring in his hand. He slowly placed it on his finger and it slid into place, as if it fit, as if it belonged.
If he was married, why had he not been wearing his ring when Joelette found him? Mansir quietly took his shoes off and jeans and crawled in bed. He took the ring off and put it under his pillow. Mansir stared out into the night with questions buzzing around his head.
Hours after the household was asleep Mansir still pondered the questions the ring had brought. What had he done to Joelette and her family? Pretending that he could fit into this family, into their hearts without all the pieces to his puzzle. He had done just what she’d been afraid of. He’d earned their trust, told all of them that he was certain he didn’t have a family, that he’d know it if he did. Now that trust would be gone.
Mansir punched his pillow. Tomorrow he would distance himself from this loving family. He refused to cause them any pain so he wouldn’t spend another night here until he knew something about his past. He would still make good on his promise for the field and tutor T-Boy, but at nightfall he would sleep elsewhere. His thoughts and hopes about Joelette would also have to be different.
He felt the ring under his pillow and squeezed it in his fist. This, he would keep a secret until he knew some answers.
###
“What’s the matter man, you haven’t spoke ten words all morning. You sick?” Possum asked while he and Mansir put away the net after another day’s work.
Mansir sat across from Possum. “I’m screwed Possum. Last night I found something that put a lot of things into perspective, and I don’t know what to do. I need a place to stay until I work things through.”
“Mais amie, look no place else. I can make room, no problem. Are you in trouble?” Possum placed his hand on Mansir’s shoulder. “How can I help?”
Mansir fought the lump in his throat. With all of his problems how could he be so lucky to have met a friend like Possum? “Thanks, I hope my memory will return soon and I don’t have to put you out very long. Let me sort things out a day or two and I’ll tell you what I know.”
Mansir walked slowly down the road toward the Benoit’s house. Would Joelette understand why he had to move out of their house? He could no longer stay under the same roof and pretend he could be a part of this family. Not after knowing that he had a wife, somewhere.
He still had the underlying feeling that something was really wrong with that relationship. Why was the ring not on his finger? And the main question why did he not feel anything when he had visions of her. No memories, no emotions, what king of marriage was he in?
He could hear Ozamae coming before he saw him. Saying goodbye to him once his memory returned would be brutal. But he knew what he had to do and knew it was for the best. He not only had to pull away from Joelette but also away the rest of the family too. He just hoped that when this was all over, they’d forgive him.
“Hey, Mansir. Guess what I found today? A baby alligator. MaeMae said he has a hurt leg, so I get to keep him until she makes him well. Isn’t that cool?” Ozamae ran around Mansir like an excited puppy.
“That is so cool. But watch your fingers, I bet he can still bite.”
Ozamae giggled. “Don’t be afraid, I will protect you.”
Mansir looked up to see MaeMae and Joelette sitting on the porch. “Hello, ladies.” He said as joyful as he could. “Mind if I sit with the two of you? I have something I need to talk about.”
He pulled up a chair across from them. “First, let me re-assure you that I will be here everyday to work the field and every evening to tutor T-Boy.” He took a deep breath. “Possum asked me to stay with him and help with repairs around the houseboat. Repairs that are long overdue,” he added with a shy grin.
When he looked across to Joelette’s face he noticed the frustration. He knew she was upset. She probably thought that he was going to skip out on her just like every other man had. But he wasn’t that man.
“Do as you want, Mansir, but remember we have an agreement,” Joelette said quickly as she stood and went inside.
MaeMae put out her pipe, and looked deep in his eyes, seeking the truth. “What’s really going on, Cher?”
Mansir leaned forward and took her small hands in his. “MaeMae, everything I said is true. Possum does need me to help him out. But I need to sort some things out. See if I can find answers. But as long as I am here tucked away in this loving family I’m afraid I haven’t faced all the truth. It is true my memory is returning very slowly, I need more.” He let go of her hands and sat back.
“I understand your frustration, but I don’t understand the rush. You know that Joelette will think you are running away?” MaeMae said as she rocked in her chair.
He hesitated for a moment, trying to decide how much to tell her. “Joelette is the main reason I’m in a rush.” This was harder than he thought, but he would spare them the truth until he knew more. Why cause unnecessary grief?
“MaeMae I have feelings for her and they seem to be getting stronger. How fair would it be to start a relationship with her not knowing my past? The one thing I’m sure of is that I do not want to hurt any of you. This, you can believe. I will have a talk with her as soon as I know more.”
“Don’t wait too long Mansir. We both know she is not a patient women.” She stood and kissed him on the forehead. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yes I’ll be here, I have a few things to finish up with in the shop.”
Mansir walked back with his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down. Would remembering open up his old world and make him want to walk away from the life he’d made here? Did his old world make him as happy as the new one? None of those questions mattered until he knew who he was.
Hopefully Preston would know something when he came to Possum’s tonight.
“Hey Possum, did Preston come by yet?”
“Qui, you just missed him, he left you an envelope on the table. He had to get back to the plantation, work to do you know. Us Cajuns eat a lot of rice.” Possum, handed Mansir a beer and sat in his chair on the deck. “We need to take a ride out to their rice farm and let you meet the rest of the LeBlanc brothers. Heck of a fine family, and they own a beautiful piece of Louisiana.”
Mansir could hear his friend talking but the words didn’t settle in his mind. He was too busy reading the report that Preston had left for him, informing him that the search in the neighboring states had found nothing about a man of his description. Preston promised to widen the search and asked Mansir to sit tight. They’d find something.
“Hey man, are you hearing me? You look a million miles away. Are you having one of your visions?” Possum leaned his chair back.
“Sorry, Possum, just so frustrated.” He waved the note from Preston. “Another dead end, Preston didn’t find any new information.” Mansir tossed the report back on the table. “I’ve managed to screw up everything. I’ve made Joelette mad at me and MaeMae doubt me.”
“Do you want to tell me what you are rattling about?” Possum asked.
Mansir dug in his pocket and pulled out the ring. “This is what I’m talking about. How could one little item cause so much trouble, Possum?”
“Is that yours?” Possum asked continuing to look at the wedding band.
“I don’t know for sure but I found it in the lining of my jacket and it fits. For the life of me I can’t remember anything about why I ha
ve this ring and who I share it with.”
“Crap, man, you must be married.” Possum ran his hand over his face. “And you don’t remember anything about your wife or if you have a house full of kids, what a mess.” He drank the last of his beer, and jumped up. “No wonder you moved in with me. I bet Joelette is furious. She’ll have a harder time killing you while you’re with me.” He laughed and sat back down in his chair.
“She doesn’t know. I haven’t told her yet.”
“Man. You are in for a mess of trouble. That woman has strong feelings for you. You better hide.” Possum shook his head.
“Don’t you think I know that? The one thing I never wanted to do was hurt Joelette. She is such a strong woman but she has a fragile heart. I love that woman.” It was the first time he’d said the words aloud. He’d thought them plenty of times, but to say them to someone else. “I don’t have the right now, not until I know what ties I have to this ring. So I’m more motivated than ever to remember my past so I might have a future. I just don’t know if it includes Joelette and her family.”
“When you decide what you want to do next I’ll help however I can. Who knows maybe the ring belonged to your mother or you found it.” Possum slapped Mansir on the arm. “You’re my friend and I want you to find your true place, and if it was old Possum’s way the place would be here.”
“Thanks, you have gone out of way for me and I appreciate it. If ever I can pay back the favor I would be proud to.” Mansir stood and walked away.
###
Weeks passed and Mansir was true to his word. He worked the field every day then went back to Possum’s. In the evening he would return to render help to MaeMae, play with Ozamae and tutor T-Boy, and then he’d leave. He and Joelette made small talk but no more long talks under the Sassafras tree.
Joelette thought she would lose her mind. After the boys were settled in their room, she plopped down on the porch swing. “I’m so angry at him, MaeMae. How can he do this to the boys? They miss him.” She pushed her feet under the swing and put the swing in motion. “I miss him,” she whispered.
“Joelette, the man is in turmoil. Don’t you see it on his face? He is trying so hard to put pieces back together and not hurt us in the process. Give him a little time.”
“MaeMae, I wish I was as patient as you. But I can’t live this way not knowing what the problem is, I have to find out some answers. I’ll be right back.” Joelette got her keys and headed the truck down the road. He owed her an explanation. She jumped out of the truck and stood outside of Possum’s houseboat. What was she doing? She didn’t own this man. She didn’t even know him.
“Are you going to stand out there or are you going to join me on deck?” Mansir’s voice covered her like a warm blanket.
“Where is Possum?” she asked, as she sat in one of the deck chairs.
“He had some business in town. Do you want something to drink,” he asked as he set down his cup of coffee.
She placed her hand on her churning stomach. “No, what I need is answers, Mansir. If you don’t want to be around us anymore why didn’t you say so.”
He pulled his chair closer. “That couldn’t be further from the truth, Joelette. It’s just the opposite. But I found out some information that I am trying to understand how it fits in my life or better still my past.”
Her stomach knotted even further. “What information? Did you remember something?”
“No. No memory. But you see that’s the problem. I have to remember. I have to know.”
“What is it?” she asked, softening her voice. “Mansir, what could have caused you to run away? Maybe I can help.”
He searched her eyes for a while then in a low voice said, “I’ll be right back, I have something to show you.”
She watched him as he walked to the stairs that led into the sleeping quarters.
He returned with something in his hand. But it was the grave look on his face that scared her. In that moment she wished she hadn’t come, wished she wasn’t so damn impatient.
“Before I show you this please give me a chance to explain.” He dropped something round and smooth in her hand. But never took his eyes off her face. “I found this in that jacket MaeMae said I was wearing when you found me.”
She looked down at the ring in her palm. She tried to have a reaction, but found she was frozen, numb.
“Joelette, I don't remember anything about this ring. Honestly. I know you think I'm trying to hide something from you, but I'm not. I just wanted to have answers to all the questions.”
Still she said nothing, but kept her eyes on the ring. Married. He was married.
He knelt in front of her. “Look at me. I wish I could remember everything right now so we could at least know where we stand, but I can't make it happen. Believe me, I've tried.”
Joelette closed her eyes. “It’s obvious, you have a wife, Mansir. You are married. This much you must know.”
“Joelette, I'm trying to tell you I would have some feelings if I had a wife. I feel certain about that.” Looking back at the ring, he shook his head. “If I am married why wasn't this ring on my finger?”
She shoved the ring back into his hand. Without a word she turned and walked away.
Joelette could hear him yelling for her to wait, but she had to get far away from him. She drove to the edge of the swamp near the spot they had found him months ago. She gazed out at the bayou as two coots took flight.
How does one not remember that they’re married? Mansir always was truthful and even now, she knew, deep down she knew. He didn't remember. But yet he had deceived her.
A breeze blew her hair causing a chill to creep down her neck. She wrapped her arms across her chest as she slid to a log and sat looking at the swamp. She should have heeded her own warning, tried harder not to get attached to him.
She should have known. A man like him, what were the odds he’d be single and available, ready to walk away from whatever life he’d left behind to live on her swamp with her and her boys? She’d been a fool.
Married.
She had long ago made up her mind she didn't need a man in her life. When Otis died, she thought she would be able to raise her boys alone, but then Mansir came into their lives. She started to think differently, that maybe she wouldn’t have to do everything alone.
She cried until her eyes hurt, until the tears ran out. Then she straightened her back. No more self pity. Maybe he didn't remember now, but someday he would and then what? She knew though that someday he would leave. Well, the sooner the better.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
MaeMae knocked on Joelette's bedroom door. “Are you awake Cher?” When she didn’t hear an answer she cracked the door a little to see if Joelette was asleep. There she sat on her bed, her knees pulled to her chest, and her arms wrapped around her legs. She gazed out the window.
“Joelette, did you hear me knock?” MaeMae approached the bed. “Are you alright?”
“What? I'm sorry MaeMae.” She shook her head. “I didn't hear you come in. Do the boys need me?”
MaeMae sat on the bed next to Joelette, and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “No, the boys are fine. Tell me what's wrong, Cher. What happened today to make you so sad?”
Joelette couldn't stop the tears. “This is why I didn't want to see anybody. I knew I would cry” She swiped at her tears. “I don't want to cry anymore. I’ve cried all afternoon, please, I’ll tell you everything later.” She wiped more tears away as new ones took their place.
She grabbed MaeMae's hand. “Could you get the boys to bed tonight? I don't want them to see me like this. Please, MaeMae.”
“Remember, Cher, nothing is as dark as it seems.” She hugged Joelette, and kissed her forehead. “Don't you worry. The boys will be in bed at their regular time.”
Joelette crawled under the covers. Her head pounded, her eyes ached, and her mind spun. Who else had he left behind besides a wife?
###
It had taken eve
rything Mansir had not to go after Joelette. But what purpose would it serve? All he could ask her for was more time, more patience. She didn’t owe him any of that.
He was married. Or at least he had been. Until he knew the whole truth, he had nothing to offer Joelette. He’d tried so hard to remember, but to no avail. He felt sure that the shapely blonde woman who refused to show her face held the answer, but it wasn’t enough to go on. The police were still looking for him, but still no missing persons reports for a man with his description. Why wasn’t anyone looking for him? He threw back the sheets and climbed out of bed. He stepped into his jeans and went in search of some fresh air.
The hurt and anger in Joelette’s eyes plagued him. He had done what he never wanted to do; he’d hurt her. But damned if he wasn’t determined to make it up to her. Someday.
###
The following afternoon T-Boy ran in after school. He hung his backpack on the hook behind the door, emptied his lunch box containers in the sink and never missed a beat.
Mansir turned and looked at Joelette. They could occupy the same space, but there was a rift between them.
“You’re doing a wonderful job raising your sons,” he said.
She nodded her thanks.
“Hey Mansir, want to see the new book I checked out of the library?” T-Boy asked.
Joelette watched as Mansir and T-Boy headed to the boy’s bedroom. She missed him, so much. Even when he was here he wasn’t the same, he tried with the boys and MaeMae but with her he was withdrawn. She couldn’t blame him, she knew the situation, still her heart ached.
“MaeMae, I'm going out for awhile. The work in the field has made me stiff and I think I need to walk a little. I won't be long.”
“Pull me some green onions on your way back will you?” MaeMae called out the door.
Joelette waved her hand in response. She walked to the large Sassafras tree next to the field and sat down. She remembered the first time they'd had a picnic under the tree and he'd shared his fears with her. How long had he been with them, three months, five? It seemed like he'd lived with them forever. Like he belonged.