by Denise Wells
Dinner? Is he for real?
“Now?” I ask.
“No.” He scoffs. “But sometime.”
“Why?”
He shrugs. “Gotta eat.”
“You don’t even like me,” I protest.
“Don’t we have to go out for this auction thing?”
“Definitely not. I mean, other bidders and bachelors might, but we don’t.”
“Okay. Well, I promised Remi I’d ask you out.”
“You promised Remi you’d ask me out?” I confirm.
He nods. “Yeah. I need to prove to myself that I can do this; move past Kat’s death and keep living. Like I promised her. Like you accused me of faking. And, since we don’t really care for one another and I’m not attracted to you, you’re perfect to practice on.”
“That’s quite the pick-up line you’ve got there, Mr. Darcy.”
“My last name is Mathews.”
“I know, it was a joke . . . never mind.”
He gives me a chin nod, and begins walking toward the parking lot and, I’m assuming, his car. He turns back when he’s halfway there. “You never answered me.”
“About dinner?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm, that would be a no,” I say. I don’t need that kind of complication in my life.
“Can’t say I didn’t try,” he says, waving a hand in my direction as he pivots and keeps walking.
“And a hell of a try it was,” I mumble to myself, turning to go back into the event.
My phone ringing wakes me at nine thirty in the morning. I hadn’t bothered to set my alarm last night because I figured I deserved to sleep in the day after such a large event. My birthday present to myself.
“Hello?” my voice croaks. I sound froggy. I clear my throat and try again. “Hello?”
“Tenley, how are you this morning, dear?”
“Madame Mayor?”
“Yes, I have some exciting news to share with you.”
“Okay.” I sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes.
“First, may I just say what a fantastic job you did with the auction last night. We raised a lot of money and everyone had a great time.”
“Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.”
“And while we are on the subject, recruitment is down in the city for first responders and law enforcement. We are looking for someone to help remedy that. And, since you mentioned that you were happy to volunteer in any capacity, I immediately thought of you for the position. There is a small stipend allotted for it in the budget for your time, and of course, we will reimburse all costs of materials. What do you think?”
“Uh, you mean, like, a job? Are you offering me a job?”
“Yes, it would be a contract position. Though, the money earmarked for it will hardly cover your time since you are invaluable to us. But I know you like to give back to the community and this seems like a great way to do so.”
“Oh. Well, I’m flattered, but are you sure I’m the right person for this?” I stand and start pacing in my bedroom to wake myself up. “I know nothing about first responders or law enforcement.”
“That’s okay, dear. The chiefs from both the SSFD and the SSPD are assigning liaisons who will assist you with the program. Absolutely, you are the right person for the job.”
“Oh, well, okay. Sure, I would love to help. When would you like for me to start?”
“I am hoping to have us all get together this afternoon around two o’clock at my office. We can meet the law enforcement and first responder liaisons and go through the expectations. Does that work for you?”
“It does, yes.” Pacing doesn’t do the trick, so I stumble into the kitchen and hit start on my coffee maker.
“That’s great, I appreciate you, Tenley. I’m not sure what we would do without you.”
“Thank you, Madame Mayor. I’ll see you this afternoon.”
“See you then.” The mayor hangs up and I’m left standing in my kitchen, barely awake, wondering how I got myself into this mess. Event planning is not something I particularly enjoy doing, but when you offer yourself as a volunteer to the mayor, you don’t always get to choose what she assigns. I love donating my time, it keeps me busy and makes me feel good. But I was hoping for something more like petting and feeding abandoned pets at the shelter when the mayor and I first spoke. Instead, this will be the third major event I’ve organized for the city in the last nine months. And they’ve all been centered around law enforcement and first responders.
I wait until the coffee kicks in to video call Sadie.
“Hey, beautiful,” I say when she answers. She looks about as awake as I feel. “What’s the matter? Didn’t sleep?”
“No,” she groans. “Ethan is on a seventy-two-hour shift beginning this morning. So, we had to have sex all night, I’m exhausted.”
I roll my eyes as hard as I can into the camera. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?”
She laughs. “Sorry. Tell me again why you’re not having sex?”
“Fuck if I know at this point. I mean, it seemed like a good idea when I started it. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“Because it would make you mature or something, right?”
“Yes, I need to grow up. I’m thirty-five, for god’s sake. I should be thinking about monogamy or some such shit.”
“I can tell you’re excited by the idea.” She sips at her juice, having given up coffee for the pregnancy. A stupid idea, in my opinion. Surely the kid can handle a little buzz now and then.
“Maybe I’ll hit up one of those apps again this week.” It’s my preferred method of hook-ups over just meeting a guy at a bar which anymore seems kind of sleazy.
“What are you doing today?” she asks.
“The mayor called me this morning. She wants me to be the volunteer city program director for the first responder-slash-law enforcement recruitment drive in like, a month.”
“You sound as excited about that as you did monogamy.”
“I am. I mean, I enjoy volunteering, it keeps me busy and helps the community. I just wish I were doing things a little more hands-on, maybe? Like making cookies for kids in cancer wards.”
“You could still do that.”
“True. I just . . . I don’t know, I’m complaining about nothing. This is an important event and I’m happy to help plan it. We have a meeting about it later today. I get to meet the different departments’ liaisons and go over objectives.”
“Scintillating stuff. Hate to break it you to, Ten, but with such excitement in your life, it’s clear you’re already a grown-up. You just don’t realize it yet.”
“Ha. Great.” I finish my coffee and immediately pour another cup. “Why did you ask what I’m doing? What are you doing today?”
“I have zero plans. Wanted to take the birthday girl to lunch.”
“I keep forgetting it’s my birthday. Sorry, can I take a rain check?”
“Why, is your meeting all day?”
“No, I just . . . I don’t really feel like celebrating my birthday.”
“But you love your birthday!”
“Not anymore, I don’t. I’m old, Sadie-Soo.”
“You are not!”
“I am. And it’s not pretty.”
“If you’re old, then so am I.”
“You are. Except you’re about to have a baby, which automatically makes you younger.”
“How?”
“I don’t know, it’s like a reset on your average age or something, and yours gets to lower exponentially because of the baby.”
“That makes no sense. You’re being silly. Which reminds me,” she says, changing the subject, “I saw you dancing with Brad last night. How’d that go?”
I’m not sure how one reminds her of the other. Regardless, Brad is not a subject that I have any desire to talk about.
“What do you mean, how did it go? Good god, I’m not interested in him or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking. And he is definitely not intereste
d in me.”
“I don’t know, I thought I saw a spark there.”
“Hilarious. You definitely did not see a spark. In fact, he’s quick to tell me how little he likes me.”
“Why would he tell you that?”
“I think he takes pleasure in seeing how unpleasant he can be. Which is how he was when he asked me out.”
“What?” she screeches. “Way to bury the lead! Out like, on a date? For when?”
“We aren’t. I said no.”
“Oh, why?”
“First, he admitted that he promised Remi he’d ask me out and that was the only reason why he was doing it—”
“Ohmigod, seriously?”
“Oh wait, there’s more. Second, he said he didn’t like me and wasn’t attracted to me, so I was perfect to date as practice for when he’s ready to move on.”
“No!” She laughs.
I laugh too. “Yes!”
“Wow, that’s just, wow. Can I tell Ethan that?”
“I’m sure he already knows.”
“I doubt that. Brads been a little weird about talking to him since they put him on desk duty. Ethan has had to work with another guy in the field.”
“That sucks.”
“Tell me about it. Well, hey, maybe one of these department liaison guys will be cute.”
“Not everything is about relationships, Sadie.”
“Most things are, though.”
“I’ve got plenty to keep me occupied without worrying about a relationship.”
“Says the girl who was just talking about growing up and finding monogamy.”
I scoff. “Finding monogamy. Like it’s lost.”
“Or a religion.” She laughs.
“I suppose it could be a religion, depending on how hot the sex is.”
“Oh, god, Ethan tried a position last night that I thought would kill me.”
I tune her out a bit. I can’t help it. I get jealous. I didn’t at first. In the beginning of her and Ethan, I felt sorry for her because she was tying herself down, but happy for her since she was so excited and fulfilled. Then something changed where, all of a sudden, the one-night stands weren’t doing it for me anymore, and I wanted someone I could talk to about things. Spend my days with. Cuddle into at night.
Things I’ve always been resolutely against. Certain I was going crazy, I sought therapy. Turns out, it was just an adult version of growing pains. Everyone around me was settling into relationships and I was envious. I’d told the therapist that wasn’t true. I didn’t believe in marriage. Didn’t like relationships. My mother had destroyed her own when I was young. And my father is divorcing wife number five. Or is it six? It creates a dichotomy in my brain. The desire to have what my friends have, and the knowledge that it will never work out.
Because marriage doesn’t work.
It’s that simple.
8
Brad
Chief calls me into his office shortly after I begin my day shift, because desk duty has me on days, like a fucking nine-to-fiver. I hate every minute.
“You wanted to see me, Chief?” I say, knocking on his open door.
“Yeah, come on in, Mathews. Have a seat.” He gestures to the chair in front of his desk. I do as he requests and wait for whatever news he’s about to dispense. Because anytime you’re called into his office and he asks you to sit, it’s not going to be good news.
“Recruitment is down,” he says.
I nod in response.
“It needs to be up.” He looks at me expectantly.
“What does that have to do with me?” My voice comes out harsher than I intend.
“Well, with your charming personality, I thought you’d be a good choice to work with the city liaison to get our numbers up to where they should be. You’d be the representative for FD, and PD is assigning someone. The mayor would like to hold a recruitment fair at the end of the month.”
I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less.
I nod. “What all does it entail?”
“The mayor has called a meeting for later today at her office with her, the city liaison, PD rep, and you. She’s got some ideas she wants to fill you in on, then you all can come up with a game plan from there.”
“Okay.” I stand and turn to leave.
“And, Mathews?”
“Yeah, Chief?”
“I expect good things from you with this.”
Fuck.
“Got it, Chief. Thanks.” I leave his office and head back to the front desk, my prison for the next few weeks until I’m cleared for field duty again. With my checkered past I’m actually lucky to still have a job most of the time. I have a tendency to be a real dumbass when I’m upset, and usually where Kat is concerned. Was concerned. There was a time, way back when, where she and I had broken up, when I was reckless and stupid and almost lost my job. Definitely lost all chance of a promotion.
When I returned to work from my leave of absence after she passed, I wasn’t much smarter. Taking unnecessary chances, putting myself and my co-workers’ lives in jeopardy. Stupid shit. So, while I may hate desk duty, I deserve it. If I’m honest with myself, I knew my actions would either result in death or desk duty. Most times though, I still prefer death would have prevailed. But I’m trying, or at the very least, I’m trying to try, to work toward being okay with continuing a life I’m not remotely interested in living.
“Want some company?”
I look up and see Ethan standing there. I nod and kick a chair toward him. When I was active in the field, Ethan was my partner. He’s also my best friend. But I’ve been distant toward him, purposefully, since Kat passed. He’d been married a few weeks before she relapsed, and I was his best man.
By then, everyone had paired up, all of mine and Kat’s friends. Remi had already had the gruesome three-some, Lexie was pregnant for the first time, and it appeared everyone’s life was perfect. Full steam ahead on the exact tracks we’d all intended. Until Kat’s health plummeted. She died, and everyone else just kept on moving forward, as though our lives hadn’t been irrevocably changed. As though mine hadn’t come to a complete standstill.
Now Ethan’s wife, Sadie, is due to give birth to their first child in the next month, and he’s over the fucking moon excited. I try to be happy for him, to be that friend he needs, the same support he was to me when I needed him. But I just can’t find it in myself to celebrate in his joy. I’m jealous because it’s how I’d envisioned Kat and I would spend our future. I’m just not a big enough man to put that behind me and celebrate with him.
I’m an asshole.
Instead of planning a life with Kat, she’s sitting in an urn on my mantle and I’m on desk duty. Pretending to smile when Ethan shows me his ten-thousandth 3-D sonogram photo.
“You got a name picked out yet, man?” I ask to be polite.
“Audrey Ann,” he says proudly.
“Beautiful,” I mumble.
“Look,” Ethan says. “I know this can’t be easy for you and I’m sorry for that.”
I wave a hand dismissively in his direction, not looking him in the eye.
“But, brother, it’s been three years. When do you move on with your life?”
“Jesus, first Remi, and now you.” I look at him. “I’m living my life just fine.”
“Well, she’s not wrong. Is this how Kat would have wanted it?”
“Don’t bring her into this, Ethan. That’s low and unfair.”
“Actually, it’s neither. Her last request of me was to take care of you. And I gotta tell you, you make it hard as fuck to do so.”
“So sorry to inconvenience you.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Why don’t you ask Tenley out?”
“Seriously, have you been talking to Remi?”
“No, why?”
“She said the same thing the other night. So, I did. And she turned me down.”
“Really? Huh. Well,
what about one of those apps?”
“I’m not swiping in any direction to find a date,” I growl.
“Okay, I get it. Can I at least ask Sadie if she knows anyone? We can double date, take the pressure off.”
“No.”
“Great, I’ll set it up. You won’t regret it.” Ethan stands, pushes his chair back under the desk, and leaves the room.
“I said no,” I call after him.
I get nothing in return.
The alarm goes off and the guys get called out. I’m filled with a sense of longing that is equal parts bitterness over my current station in my career. No pun intended. I watch as the trucks pull out of the drive, sirens blaring, light flashing, on their way to something that is no doubt better than what I’ve got going on here.
The afternoon drags on. Minutes turn to hours, I’ve finished with all the required paperwork for the day, organized the file cabinets, cleaned the kitchen and the bathrooms, and am now playing Solitaire on the station computer. I’ve just lost, again, when the bells over the front door jingle. Even though it’s a welcome distraction, I still look down at the desk, pretending to be absorbed in something interesting. Because, while I want the interruption, I hate being the first line of contact for walk-ins. It’s never interesting or worth my time.
“Excuse me, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be here or somewhere else. The information I received wasn’t clear.”
I glance up. A petite, older woman is standing in front of the desk. She has short white hair cut into a chin-length bob, big blue eyes, and bright red lipstick.
“Hi.” I stand. “Tell me why you think you should be anywhere, and I’ll see if I can’t help you.”
“I’m supposed to be meeting with some other people about a recruitment fair. Since you’re the only one here, I have a distinct feeling this is not where I’m supposed to be.” She turns to leave.
“Hold up.” I jog around the desk to the lobby area and touch her shoulder to stop her. “I need to be at the same meeting. I’m the rep for FD. Brad Mathews.” I hold my hand toward her, surprised to find her grip is strong once we shake.
“Nessa Brighton,” she returns. She’s attractive, and I’m guessing in her mid-sixties, wearing jeans with a white t-shirt and a navy blazer, and flat tan ankle boots.