by Denise Wells
He can’t seem to get it to stick. Just when I would start to get used to a stepmom, maybe even bond with them a bit, he’d come home to tell me they were breaking up. As far as I know, there was never any cheating, it was just that she didn’t have what Dad was looking for. What if I can’t ever find what I’m looking for?
I enjoyed talking to Nessa, but it brought up more questions than it answered. Why can’t it just be simple anymore? Meet a guy, fall in love, live happily ever after? It’s like I hit my thirties, and everything went to shit. All the sudden, casual sex is frowned upon and relationships are the goal. Or maybe it’s always been that way, and I only just noticed.
I put on music, my favorite playlist of Motown, classic rock, and pop. It’s an eclectic blend, but every song on it makes me happy. Then I clean my house. Everything from the window and door tracks to crazy cobwebs above light fixtures that no one ever sees. I take over six hours, but it looks great by the time I’m finished. Not that it was dirty before.
I make a second pot of coffee and go out on the balcony to enjoy another cup. My phone dings with a text from Sadie.
S-SUE: Are you awake yet?
I video call her in response.
“Hey, you!” she says, her voice amplified. “I kept waiting to hear from you.” She sounds filled with false cheer.
Why?
She knows.
She already knows we had sex, and Brad left and threw up over the thought of it.
“You know,” I say.
“Know what?”
She’s the worst liar in the history of liars.
“Stop it,” I say.
“Okay, fine.” She sighs heavily. “Brad called Ethan this morning to tell him he was at the urgent care because he broke his knuckles. Ethan went down to wait with him. One thing led to another, and Brad ended up telling Ethan everything.”
I stay silent, shaking my head. I run my hand through my hair, annoyed that I can’t even use my best friend as my confidante anymore because she already knows everything before I do. Or at least, this time she does.
“What’s everything?” I ask, hoping maybe Brad left the major parts out.
“Um. That you went to happy hour and dancing then went in the bathroom and had sex and he left.” She runs the words all together, so I almost can’t understand her. If I hadn’t experienced the night for myself, I may not have.
“Shit, that’s about right.” I stand and pace along my deck.
“I’m so sorry, Tenley. Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I scoff. “I’m fine. It’s just, he threw up afterward, Sadie.”
“Oh, I didn’t know that part.”
“Well there you go. Now you really, really know everything.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m just confused about how I feel, which is weird for me since I’m used to not really caring. And I’m trying to figure out why that is.”
Since Sadie is my best friend, and we can usually be open and honest with one another, I ask her, “Do you think I want to be in a relationship just because you are, and I feel like I have to catch up to you?”
“Hmmm.” She taps the tip of her finger on her nose as she thinks. “I suppose it’s possible. I mean, do you feel you’re rushing the whole relationship thing?”
“Well, I’m just a little weirded out by how affected I am by last night and Brad’s reaction.”
“Because he threw up?” She almost whispers the question.
“Yes, because he threw up! Can you imagine? How would you feel if you and Ethan had sex, and he threw up right after because he was so disgusted by it?”
“But that has nothing to do with you.”
“It has everything to do with me.”
“I don’t know, Ten. I mean, Ethan doesn’t tell me everything. But it sounded like Brad was pretty messed up from it all.”
“Messed up? How? Why?” I walk around to a small, grassy area off to the side of my house, kick my shoes off, and let my toes dig into the cool grass. It feels good on the bottoms of my feet.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this,” Sadie hedges.
“Whose side are you on?”
“Yours. It’s just, this isn’t mine to tell.”
“Sadie.” I try to use the tone that makes Sadie agree with whatever I want.
It works.
“Okay, fine. He feels like he cheated on Kat with you.”
“Oh, yeah, I know.”
“How do you know?”
“I spoke to Nessa about it afterward.”
“Nessa, the lady who’s helping with the recruitment fair?”
“Yeah, she and Brad are close and she’s a widow, so she gets what he’s going through. She explained it all to me.”
“If you know that, then why are you so bugged by the vomiting?”
“Uh, because he vomited.”
“So, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. Nothing. Something.”
“I totally get it. If it helps, I know he feels terrible.”
“It doesn’t, but thanks.”
“Sorry.” From Sadie’s tone, it’s clear she feels more for Brad in this situation than she does for me, which pisses me off.
“Are you?”
“I’m sorry for both of you. We all agree you two would make a great couple, but you’ve got all that stigma about relationships and Brad is still grieving, and it seems like it may never work.”
“Who’s ‘we all’?”
“The gang. Lexie, Cole, Remi, Chance, Ethan, me.”
I cringe when she says the gang because it just sounds like further proof that she’s got a whole new posse to chill with and I’m left to get by with the sad guy all by myself.
“I’m so happy that you all have had the time to discuss me and my life,” I snap, walking back toward my house when the Wi-Fi signal weakens. I can tell from the picture that Sadie is still in bed, where she’s forced to spend most of her time anymore, and immediately feel guilty for snapping at her.
“Sorry,” I say.
“I’m sorry too,” she says.
We sit there for a moment, each looking off to the side, not meeting each other’s eyes. I know we both mean the apology, but it can be awkward.
“So, how was it?” Sadie asks.
“How was what?” I ask, even though I’m almost certain I know what she’s asking about.
She scrunches her lips to the side as though she’s contemplating. “Let’s go with the sex. I don’t really care about the dancing.”
“Remember, after you had sex with Ethan, and you said it was unlike anything you’d ever experienced? Except you’d only been with Aaron, so there was still that chance that it wasn’t that great? But then I heard y’all through the walls that one time and let you know that it really was that great?”
“Yes.” She nods excitedly.
“Well, it was like that times a hundred because I have had sex before. Great sex, even. With a lot of guys. And this blew them all out of the water. Big time. Like, it was explosive, Sadie. And it was in a fucking bathroom. I’m sore today. I don’t even want to think about what kind of damage he would do in a bed with more time.”
“Bathroom sex is hot.”
“Depends on the bathroom.”
“Oh, very true.”
“We didn’t use a condom.”
Sadie gasps and her hand covers her mouth, I think involuntarily. “Why not?”
I shrug. “I don’t carry them with me, I’m sure he doesn’t either. And it wasn’t really something we discussed first. He just pulled me into the stall, and we went at it. We didn’t even take off any clothes. Well, except for my underwear, which I never found.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about any diseases. They have to get regular testing through the FD.”
“I’m not worried about that. But I’m also not on any birth control, so I’ll go to the drugstore in a bit and get a Plan B pill.”
“Good idea. B
ecause let me tell you, this pregnancy crap is bullshit.” She makes a face that makes me laugh. “Hey, you want to bring me lunch today?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
She gives me a couple options and we disconnect our call. I take a quick shower and then head out to the drugstore. Determined to not get myself all riled up over this thing with Brad. Whatever it is. It’s no big deal, it was just sex.
In a bathroom.
At a restaurant during happy hour.
With a guy who’s still hung up on his dead fiancée.
Happens all the time.
Same as running out and getting a Plan B pill from the drugstore after you forget to use protection.
Right?
26
Brad
I take the day off work because of my hand, and spend the morning watching TV after Ethan leaves. The pain relief injection from the urgent care has worn off and I’m tempted to head to the drugstore and get the prescriptions filled for the painkiller and anti-inflammatory meds. Spending the day zoning out in front of the TV, popping pills and drinking beer, really appeals to me right now.
Deciding to do that before I open a second beer, I head out to my truck and make my way into town. The beer made me feel sleepy, so I stop at a drive-thru on the way for coffee and a donut. Remembering too late that I can’t drink or eat when driving one handed.
Fuck.
Once I’ve parked, I finish the donut in close to two bites. The coffee is hot, so I decide to bring that in with me. Again forgetting I only have the use of one hand because I’m a fucking idiot. Luckily, the doors open automatically so I don’t have to worry about trying to set my coffee down to open them or wait for someone to open them for me. Only having the use of one hand is going to be a major pain in the ass, I can tell already.
I have to give the pharmacist a paper prescription due to the drug and there’s a line of two people ahead of me when I get there, including the girl at the counter. I idly check out her ass. It’s hard not to when a girl is wearing yoga pants. Her hair is up in a hat, and she’s wearing a matching jacket to the pants that fits just as snug, showing off all her curves.
She says something to the pharmacy tech, who yells to someone behind her, “Hey, do we have Levonorgestrel in stock?”
I chuckle as the girl at the counter buries her head in her hands. Because I’m probably one of the few other people in the drugstore who knows Levonorgestrel is the morning-after pill.
Someone wasn’t using protection.
I laugh until I remember that I didn’t use protection with Tenley last night.
Fuck.
God, what a fucking idiot I am. Jesus. I make a mental note to also grab a Plan B pill and bring it to her, just in case.
They package the girl’s pill in a brown paper bag and ring her up. My phone buzzes, and I fumble with my left hand to set my coffee down somewhere without spilling it and try to pull my phone from my pocket at the same time. It doesn’t work. My phone falls seconds before my coffee does.
“Oh no, here let me help you.” The girl bends down to get my phone before I have a chance to.
“Can I get some paper towels over here?” I call to the tech behind the counter. “I spilled my coffee.” I hold up the casted hand as an excuse for why I’m a klutz.
The girl, who has been ineffectively dabbing at the floor with a Kleenex, stands and hands me my phone. “Thank—”
Tenley.
“Oh, Brad. Uh, hi.” Tenley’s face reddens as she recognizes me.
My heart beats rapidly as a myriad of thoughts and emotions race through me. At least she’s protecting herself with a Plan B pill. Now I’ll never have a baby. What the fuck is she doing here? I can’t handle seeing her right now.
“Oh my goodness, what happened?” She gently takes my right hand in hers and looks up at me. Her big, green eyes squint slightly.
The pharmacy tech comes over with some paper towels, kneeling between us to wipe up the mess.
My mind clears and I answer. “Had a little run in with a wall.”
She nods as though the same has happened to her. “Pain meds?” She gestures to the counter as she asks.
“Yeah, and some anti-inflammatory stuff.” I don’t mention her little brown bag, or that I know what’s in it.
“Good . . . I was just . . . Well, I hope it heals soon,” she stammers, looking off to the side. I don’t blame her, it’s awkward running into each other like this. “I’ll see you later.” She brushes past me and heads for the exit.
I could let her go. Or I could go after her.
I’m not going to lie, there’s a part of me that wants to have sex again. It almost outweighs the guilt I will feel afterward. But there’s also a part of me that wants to make sure she and I are okay after last night. We still have to work together, at least for a few more weeks. And we’re in the same circle of friends. It’s not like we can just stop interacting with one another.
I turn and tell the person behind me to go ahead, then jog toward the front of the store to catch Tenley.
I find her in the parking lot getting into her car.
“Tenley!”
She gets back out and stands between it and the open driver side door, her hand at her brow to shield her eyes from the sun.
“Yeah?”
I slow as I reach her. “Hey, thanks for stopping. I just wanted to apologize for last night.”
“Okay.”
“For running out on you like that.”
She nods.
I take a deep breath and be brave. “That was my first time, after . . . Kat.”
She stands there, watching me, but saying nothing.
“And, I kind of freaked the fuck out.”
“Okay.”
“Are we good?”
“Good?”
“I just don’t want there to be any weirdness between us, you know?”
“Weirdness?” She jerks her head back, shaking it slightly, and her eyes widen. “Why would there be weirdness.” She waves an arm in the air dismissively. “Nah. We’re fine. No biggie. Truly.”
“No biggie?” I’m a little surprised by her flippancy, even though it’s the exact reaction I wanted.
“Yep. Of course. I mean, there was some chemistry between us, but we got it out of our systems, and now we’re good to go.”
Relief floods through me. Apparently, she gets it. I thought I would have to deal with my feelings and hers. Instead, I can focus on me and wrapping my head around what I’ve done.
“Okay, good. Great. Thank you.” I lean in and give her a quick one-armed hug. “So, I’ll see you later this week to work on the recruitment fair?”
“I’ll be there.” She smiles and sits down into her car.
“Cool,” I say lamely.
“Cool. See ya!” She shuts her car door and starts the engine, and I turn to walk back into the pharmacy before she drives away. That was much easier than I expected, though, I know Tenley’s reaction helped to make it so. I did not expect that she would be so casual about everything. It kind of bugs me a little bit. But my relief over this not becoming a thing far overshadows that feeling.
Because I am not ready to deal with any kinds of things where women are concerned. I don’t see how I ever can be. But, if I think back to my conversations with Nessa, Remi, and Andy, they all would lead me to believe that it’s not only possible, but likely, to have a life after death. Nessa was able to after her husband, William passed. Andy seems to be doing it now. And Remi swears it’s the right thing for me to do, for me and for Kat. I keep that thought at the forefront of my mind. Not for now, but definitely for someday.
My hand is throbbing by the time I get home, so I grab a bottled water, two of the painkillers, and crash on the couch. I am tempted to drink beer all day, but I know that will throw me in to a bit of a tailspin. I want to stay as clear-headed as possible and work though the demons in my mind. Not for any other reason than my sanity. I’m still not interested in another
relationship, but I would like to stop feeling so sad and angry all the time.
On some level, I’d like to be a decent godparent to Ethan and Sadie’s kid, and play more of a role in my other friends’ lives. They’ve all kept living their lives, while I stood still, and I’ve missed so much already. I don’t want them to feel like they have to take care of me, but I want to make sure they know I’m here for them. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. One, I don’t think there’s anything to care for. And two, I can’t stand to be a burden. I know they all worried about me after Kat passed, and they probably still do.
Shit, I still worry about me, which makes it way past time for me to prove that I’ve got this. After which, they can stop pressuring me about another relationship. If I’m doing good, then they can’t expect me to change.
I hope.
27
Tenley
I can’t believe I said no biggie. What kind of idiot am I? It’s not no biggie, far from it. But, in my defense, what else could I have said? Hey, yeah, you freaking out really shook me because I think I want something more from this. Definitely something more than you can give. I was just pretending that I didn’t. Trying to be easy-breezy. So, how about it, Brad? I could follow that up with, Although, maybe I’m just feeling left out of Sadie’s life and I want to be in a relationship so I can catch up to her, and anyone will do. But, no worries, I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
It’s been three days and I’m still beating myself up over it. I’m so wishy-washy with my feelings. One day I want him, the next day I don’t. One minute I want something more, the next minute I’m telling him sex was no biggie.
We are all meeting at the fire station today; I guess Brad is back to work part-time, even with a broken hand. It’s the first time we’ll see each other since my no biggie comment.
Ugh.
I’m thankful I won’t have to see that prick Neil Nicholson again. Sadie told me that he switched shifts, and Ethan now has a new partner again, a woman this time. I promised I would scope the girl out and let Sadie know what she looks like. Not that she’ll be jealous. It’s mostly idle curiosity and putting a face to a name when Ethan talks about her.