by Marian Wells
Amy saw the new expression of despair move into Matthew’s eyes as Crystal talked. Now she blurted out, “Matthew, Crystal’s been working to undermine Lucas’s attempt to win support for the Confederates. You might as well know, she’s—”
Amy stopped and looked from Matthew to Crystal. She doesn’t know he’s a Confederate soldier, and he—oh, dear, it looks bad.
She waited. Crystal looked at Amy with a puzzled expression. She seemed to be pondering Amy’s statement. Now there was a gleam in her eyes. Amy gulped and waited.
Slowly Crystal went on. “I understand Lucas has been pushing his fingers into every pie he can find ever since the gold fields opened.” Now she looked at Matthew as she added, “Lucas wasn’t a Confederate at heart. He was merely an opportunist. He twisted everything to his advantage—situations, people.” Amy was mentally applauding Crystal as she continued. “My biggest desire was to see him stopped, and all his shabby tricks exposed.”
She took a deep breath and held it for a moment as she looked at Matthew. “I don’t have a quarrel with anyone who’s honestly following his convictions. It’s just that war is horrible, and for a person to be concerned only with feathering his own nest, well—” She stopped and shrugged.
Amy could feel the tension building in the room. She pressed her hands together and waited. Matthew didn’t reply. Finally Daniel spoke. “We know Lucas was in the vicinity of the fire when it started.”
Matthew glanced at Daniel. “Vicinity—that’s a gentle way of putting it. He was throwing chairs and other stuff down the stairs, trying to keep Daniel from coming after him.”
Amy pressed her hand against her mouth as Daniel admitted, “Just about the time I got to the door I heard glass breaking. I wonder if it was a lamp. Kerosene could account for the way the fire spread so fast. It’s likely he had something to do with it.” He took a breath and looked at Amy. “It is also possible he didn’t make it out.”
“Oh,” Amy gasped, “that’s terrible! Now I’ll never be able—” Daniel’s face was a thundercloud, and she whispered, “Daniel, I have something to tell you—now before we go home.”
Crystal straightened. “You mean you haven’t told him yet?”
“No, I haven’t had time. I wanted to take care of it first. Now I’m forced—”
“Amy!” came Crystal’s low, horrified voice. “You wouldn’t! I thought you wanted a baby.”
“No! I’m talking about the piano.” She turned to Daniel. His face was stony. As she studied his face, she began thinking back to the trip. All they had talked about—was he fearful? Could he trust her? Could she trust herself?
Heavily Daniel said, “What does all this have to do with the piano Lucas Tristram sent?”
She stopped and studied his face. “Piano? Daniel, you know about it. How—?”
“The night I came back from Santa Fe, there was a fellow trailing me, trying to deliver that piano. What I want to know is, what happened to it?”
“You knew about it all along!” Dismay swept through her. She looked at him intently. “Oh, Daniel,” she sighed. “I can explain. Please. If only Lucas were here. See, while you were gone I met him.”
She stopped. Daniel’s face was rigid. “Go on. I still trust you to straighten this mess out.”
She was whispering. “He said he wanted to make a gift to the church. I thought he meant money or hymnals or some such. When I came home and saw the piano and the bill of lading, I had it moved to the church so you wouldn’t think he had given it to me.” She stopped and pressed her fingers to her lips. “And you had already seen it! Oh, my poor darling. What did you think?” She ran to him and threw her arms around him. She could feel him relaxing and then he tilted her chin.
There was a strange expression on his face as he asked, “But there’s one thing that doesn’t fit in the story. What’s all this about a baby?”
“Us, Daniel—we’re going to have a baby.” He grinned and she saw him blink his eyes. Amy threw a quick look over her shoulder. Matthew and Crystal were in front of the window, standing close together and talking quietly. With a sigh Amy slipped away from Daniel’s arms.
“You still don’t quite trust me, do you? Daniel, I love you even more than I love this little baby. It’s—” She paused and then added slowly, “I feel so at home when we’re together, just the way I felt when we were riding all over New Mexico Territory. Just being with you is all the home feeling I need. Do you understand?
“I don’t need a house or a place. The only need I have is for your arms. It doesn’t matter where we live. As long as you’re doing what the Lord wants you to do, I’ll be happy.”
Daniel sat down on the chair Matthew left vacant. He pulled Amy onto his lap. “Sweetheart, you make me ashamed.”
“It’s the past. I—oh, Daniel, I deserve every bit of your distrust. But I’m determined to show you I’m different.” She glanced at Matthew and Crystal, heard the murmur of their voices. Facing Daniel, she said softly, “Daniel, I need to ask for your forgiveness. It’s very ugly—about Lucas.”
Daniel placed his hand over her mouth and pulled her close. “Hush, my darling. I’ve already guessed he was competition. And I’ve forgiven you.”
He snuggled her against his shoulder. Finally Daniel sighed. “There are a couple other questions I have. First, why would Lucas give the church such a costly gift?”
“I’ve wondered too,” she admitted. “The only thing that makes sense is that he was trying to buy our favor. You know, get us so happy with the piano that we’d look the other way.” She tipped her head to see his face. “He was trying to get gold for the Confederates.”
Daniel pondered and then nodded. “Now,” he said, “the other question. What were you doing upstairs in that saloon?”
“Talking to Lucas Tristram.”
“I noticed. But—”
“I was trying to give the piano back to him. I was also trying to—”
“Why were you trying to give the piano back to him?”
“Because he put my name on the bill, and I was afraid you would be unhappy. He said such terrible things in Central City.”
“About all he wanted to do for you? Amy, my darling.” She saw the tears in his eyes and pressed her face against his.
“It’s all right,” she crooned. “I didn’t want anything Lucas could give me. I was so angry. The way he acted that day just made me love you more.”
Daniel touched her cheek. “That is all I need to hear. Amy, let’s forget the past.”
Amy turned when Matthew spoke. His voice was heavy as he said, “I’m getting a picture of Lucas Tristram. Could be a better one than a thousand words. For me it’s nigh on to being too late.”
From out of the shadows Crystal added, “Sometimes there’s no going back and changing the past.”
“But sometimes it’s possible to just go on,” Matthew ventured. “At least if people want that.” Shaking his head sadly, he added, “I guess there’s too much that’s happened.”
“For you to trust me again? Or are you referring to the past?”
“No, neither. I can’t forget the anger, ugliness, the slur I made against you.”
“The one you made because you believed the lie?” She paused, steadied her voice and said, “Are you waiting for me to tell you it was a lie? Matthew, I don’t think we have anything left to believe in.”
Slowly he spoke as if thinking aloud. “Love? I’ve heard it doesn’t just go away. I’m not certain. Is there a love that forgets the past—the ugliness and the hurts?”
Crystal’s voice was low. “I did my share of wrongs. I started our marriage that way because I was afraid you wouldn’t want me if you knew the truth. It isn’t an easy thing to forgive.”
Amy was nearly asleep against Daniel’s chest. She heard the rumble of his voice. “It’s nearly time for a sermon. Now, you two, sit down on that bed and listen. Speaking from my vast experience of less than a year of marriage, I’m getting the idea marriage i
sn’t just a happily-ever-after story.
“It takes a bit of work. Guess the problem is we don’t realize how much it takes until we mess things up a bit.” He settled Amy against his shoulder and touched her cheek. “Thank God, problems can be worked out. Both the spiritual and the human. And I believe it’s worth all the pain and trouble it takes to smooth out the rough spots.”
Daniel paused and then went on. “The pain of the love story between God and man is reflected back at us when we look at the ups and downs of the marriage relationship. Only with God and man, it’s always man who’s unfaithful to his vows.
“Now one thing I learned not too long after I became a Christian is that you can’t always feel God’s love. Sometimes you just have to have faith in it and get on with living. I’m beginning to get the idea marriage is like that, too. When you don’t feel love, then you act in a loving way.
“All hurts are bad; they leave scars. In the relationship with God as well as with the husband-wife relationship, our actions leave scars. We can recover from a bad marriage, but—”
“You mean go off and leave it?” Matt said. “Is that what you’re advising us to do?”
“Is that what you want, or has your pride decided that’s the less painful solution? I get the idea that in marriage, sooner or later the honeymoon is over. At that spot, you need to tighten up your suspenders and make up your mind that you will love. A marriage will be good if you deliberately make it so.”
Amy sat up. “Daniel, do you mean the honeymoon is over for us just because we’re going to have a baby? That’s a terrible thought! You’re still important to me. Why am I—”
“Whoa!” Daniel laughed down at her. “I don’t think any dinky little baby is going to ruin the honeymoon feeling. But what I was going to say is that I have a feeling this is the situation Mother and Father are finding themselves in.
“Marriage doesn’t work unless you want it to. With Mother and Father it seems to be working out just fine. It might be because they decided marriage is more important than any one personal feeling they have about the past.”
“When you get your back up against the wall?” Matthew mused.
“What do you mean?” Daniel asked slowly. “Back against the wall? I don’t understand.”
Matthew shrugged. “It was something Amelia said. Talked about the smallpox forcing her to make up her mind about how she was living. Could you say God might love people so much He pushes love at them until they realize their back’s against the wall? Then there’s no place to go. You either cooperate with God, or—”
In a moment he looked at Daniel and grinned. “But Amelia said that getting her back against the wall was the best thing that ever happened to her. That God did for her what she wasn’t able to do for herself.”
Daniel rambled on contentedly. “There’s a great deal to be said for letting God smooth out the rough spots of a man’s nature. Make’s getting along a sight easier.”
Amy sat up and faced Matthew. “Father Dyer calls it Experimental Christianity.”
Matthew nodded. “He told me about it. Said man can’t fight the devil and old sinful nature all on his own. He said God was there with the provision to do and the love to go with it. He also said that God has a plan for our lives, and it’s necessary for us to live as God intends we should. Took me a while to get that through my head.” He looked at Amy. “Your father helped, too. But he had to get me down on my knees, pounding me on the back, before I’d really started believing such a thing could happen.”
He was silent for a moment and then he faced Crystal. “Eli pointed out—and I must admit it was painful to have to agree—that all my problems stemmed from incomplete Christianity. He said I was typical—just too happy to take all the Lord had to give me without being willing to give God what He wanted of me.” He paused and gently touched Crystal’s face with one finger.
“Eli said God wanted me—ugly disposition and all. All the anger and hate, all the pride and selfishness. When a man who’s been there talks like that, it’s pretty convincing. He finally made me see it was worth unloading all of me on God, even when it seemed too good to be true.”
Abruptly Matthew slipped to his knees beside the bed and touched Crystal’s hand. “I don’t deserve another chance, and I won’t even ask for it. But, Crystal, I want you to know I love you very much. Please forgive me.”
Daniel and Amy watched Crystal hesitate. Finally she held one hand out toward Matthew.
Daniel stood up and carefully set Amy on her feet. “Come on. Sweetheart, let’s go home.”
“Home? Where—”
“Remember you said anywhere. Let’s go down and see if they have a room for us.” Daniel picked up Amy’s bag and they tiptoed out, closing the door behind them.
Chapter 34
Crystal looked at the closing door and then at Matthew. He was waiting, and she couldn’t meet his eyes. Getting to her feet, she paced to the window. In the distance the last of the fire colored the sky with a burst of bright smoke. The fire made her think of Lucas.
With a shrug she turned to Matthew. “I suppose Lucas is off somewhere, laughing because he has won again. He’s left a heap of human wreckage behind him while he’s running across the mountains with his bag of gold clenched in his dirty fist.”
She couldn’t avoid Matthew’s eyes. He said, “You sound bitter.”
“Do you not think I have a right to be?”
“Justifiably.” His voice was rough. “But need we spend time talking about him?”
“You asked me to forgive you.”
“And you can’t.” He made the flat statement. Getting to his feet he paced the room.
She watched his limping gait, studied the ragged garments he wore, and waited. Finally she spoke. “Matthew, you are so strange. The limp. You’ve lost weight. Those terrible clothes.”
He turned and she began to see glimpses of the old Matthew in his twisted grin. “No longer the dandy? I’ll never be again. Suddenly it isn’t important. It’s nothing.”
He came to sprawl in the chair. With his head tipped back and his eyes nearly closed, he hesitated. When the words came they were in chopped phrases, leaving Crystal bewildered with the gaps. “It’s been long. A person’s bound to change. No idea it would be so much until I saw me reflected in you. Did you inherit the bitterness from me?
“Crystal, life moves on. Values change. I thought we’d pick it up from where we left off. Like a half-forgotten chapter in an interesting book. Impossible. It will be a learning over again.
“You married a Southern gentleman. I’m fast becoming a stubborn Yankee, like Garrison, Mott, and some of the others.”
“An abolitionist?”
“No, simply a man who believes so strongly that he dares stand on the hard side of a cause. For God, for a united country, for freedom for the slaves—”
Crystal interrupted. “Matthew, I do forgive you. Now please go.”
“You don’t believe me? I expected that.” He got to his feet.
“That isn’t quite so. In the past you had strong words, but without this much conviction. It’s just that somehow you’ve grown up and away from me. We’re no longer able to measure minds.”
“You’re diminishing yourself. I’ve always thought you a fine woman, worthy—”
“Matthew, please.” She turned quickly, her hands waving off his words. “Talking convinces me we no longer walk the same road.” Getting to her feet she moved restlessly around the room.
In a moment he was beside her, touching her arm. She trembled at the unexpected contact. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “It’s just that you seemed almost like a dream. The kind of dreams I’ve been having since Pennsylvania days. Near enough to touch, yet—” He paused, adding, “Not real. Will you please come sit down and tell me what has been going on in your life? Did you stay in Pennsylvania? I remembered we talked about going west.” He hesitated. In a rush of words, he said, “I wanted to inquire about Clara Brown while here,
just wanted to know if she could tell me about you.”
Crystal had been watching Matthew. “Your arm,” she said. “You were wounded—in a battle?”
“Yes, that’s where I met Daniel and Amy.” His grin was twisted again. “It won’t keep me out of the Army.”
Crystal stood up and walked around the room again. “I’m sorry you were injured.” For a minute she faced him. “That does change a person, doesn’t it?”
His face was puzzled. “I keep thinking you are trying to dig me up like a flower patch, to see what’s buried.”
Their eyes met. Matthew came across the room to her. “Crystal, it’s late. I won’t trouble you any longer with my presence.”
She put her hand to her face, but it was too late. On his face she could read the hope. For a moment she met his eyes, knowing all the forgotten things were alive and life was possible. Turning, with a shaky voice, she admitted, “I guess habits are hard to break.”
“Habit? I don’t think you’re telling me it was all just a comfortable old habit, loving.”
His hand was under her chin in the warm, familiar touch. She closed her eyes and tried to move away. “My dear, I won’t force you. But I would think that if you didn’t love me still, then a sisterly kiss would be no more than a common courtesy.”
He was smiling, confident. His hand on her shoulder was warm and gentle. It had always been that way, warm and gentle.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because it is so impossible.”
“That shouldn’t bring tears if it is what you really mean.” He was still waiting and his presence was overwhelming. “Will you talk with me? It seems like the three of us deserve a chance.”
“Three?
“You and me and Love.”
“Matthew, did you mean those things you said about God and praying?”
“I did. Crystal, I didn’t realize the state of confusion I lived in when I considered myself a Christian. You’ve guessed, of course, that God didn’t consider me a true follower.” Abruptly he said, “Crystal, what’s wrong? All this talk—it’s like I can’t reach you. I would rather you lash out at me, say what must be said, rather than this cold formality.”