by A. J. Pine
“I’ll be right back,” I say to Zoe and walk away with no explanation, though I’m sure she’s watching me.
I hesitate at the stairs before crossing over to him and focus my gaze back on the court. Adam gives no indication he even knows I’m here, but I guess the opposite, that he knows I saw his parents and whoever the girl is with them. He’s avoiding me, so I guess I can do the same.
I stand in front of him. “What do you want, Bryan? Is this really the place to talk after more than a year of silence?”
I shove my hands in the pocket of my hoodie, gripping my phone for dear life because it’s the only thing to hold on to. There’s an empty seat next to him, probably belonging to whoever he’s here with. I look around for Ashley but see no one I recognize.
“Will you sit?” He gestures to the seat.
“No, Bryan. I won’t sit. We’re not going to have a little heart-to-heart here. The game’s about to start and . . .”
He interrupts. “I know, and you’re here to see him.”
Bryan nods to the court, and I know he means Adam.
“I know it’s been a long time, and I thought I was past this, past losing you and everything else, but seeing you that night, outside Yu’s? It made me realize I’m not.”
My hand clenches the phone, the other one into a fist.
“This is fantastic. You and Ashley are stalking me because you need to feel better about what you lost. What about what I lost? I was barely twenty-years-old, and this whole path I had carved out for myself? It was gone in a night, and so were you. So don’t tell me about loss, Bryan. If it’s a contest, I win. Every time.”
He stands now, his always gentle blue eyes replaced with something savage.
“God! You still don’t get it. I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted us to have to go through this alone. Seven days I came to see you, and seven days you had your mom or a nurse send me away. I never came there to end things between us. But I saw it when you looked at me, Jess, that you somehow blamed me.”
“Stop.” But the din drowns my trembling whisper. Before he continues I shout, “Stop!”
He hears me, as do a few other spectators. I start backing away, but Bryan grabs my wrist. I want to disintegrate at the memory of his touch so I don’t have to hear him say another word.
“I lost that baby too, Jess.”
I rip my arm from his grasp and walk straight to the doors and out of the arena.
***
“Jess!”
Seconds after I’m out the door I hear Zoe’s voice, but I need to keep moving. I don’t know where the hell I’m going, but if I stop I’m going to implode.
“Jesus, Jess! What just happened?”
Zoe’s hands grip my shoulders, and in seconds she pins me against the wall. People pass by us carrying slices of pizza or hot pretzels, oblivious to the girl having the meltdown in the corner.
For some reason I expect Zoe to be angry with me, since all I really do is anger and hurt everyone near me. Maybe it’s my inability to speak or that I can’t seem to catch my breath, but Zoe’s eyes hold nothing but worry.
Frantic, I look right and left, sure Bryan and Ashley will pop out of the shadows and blame me for their sadness of losing me.
“Jess.” Zoe grabs my chin, forcing my eyes to hers. “Jess, say something so I know you’re okay.” I shake my head, my breath ragged.
“Okay. I’ll accept a gesture. Shows you at least heard and understood what I said. But I guess this means you’re not going to tell me who that guy was or what he said to turn you almost catatonic? You’re scaring me, roomie. You were supposed to tell me what was going on a week ago, but I didn’t push when you waffled again. Are you going to come clean with me now?”
I manage another head shake.
“Okay, then I’m going to do some guessing. Can I ask you yes or no questions?”
I nod, my breathing beginning to slow.
“Ex-boyfriend?”
Nod.
“Bad breakup?”
Another nod.
“He cheated and now he wants to reconcile?”
“No,” I croak, finding my voice. “I wish it was that simple.”
Zoe blows out a deep breath.
“You wanna talk? I know this isn’t the best venue for that sort of thing, but I can tune out the masses.”
The crowd starts to dissipate. There’s not enough time to check the clock on my phone before we hear the national anthem begin inside.
“When you get back from Madison,” I say. “I promise.”
“I don’t have to go.” She raises a brow. “I’ve heard that promise before.”
“Go,” I tell her. “I want you to. And no more broken promises. When you get back, we’ll talk.”
Zoe nods slowly then looks toward the sets of double doors leading into the stadium, and back at me.
“He left, just so you know. The ex-boyfriend. I followed him out, thinking he was coming after you. I was ready to throat punch or judo chop him or something, though I think you’d be better at that than me. He watched you walk away, watched me go after you, and I watched him walk out of the building. I’m only saying, if you want to go back inside, it’s safe.”
I take a few measured breaths, each one a bit less shaky than the one before. I need time to absorb what Bryan said. He never intended to leave me. Have I been blaming him this whole time? Punishing him for what I know was my fault?
Adam. I came here to see Adam. The thought of him is the only thing lightening the weight pressing down on my whole being.
“Okay.” I don’t bother forcing a smile. “How do I look?”
“Like shit.”
A bubble of laughter escapes, and the pressure in my chest lessens.
“Do you think that girl with Adam’s parents is his sister?”
Zoe links her arm in mine and leads me toward the doors.
“Not for a second. Did you see her tits? No one dresses like that for her brother.”
I lean my head on her shoulder, and the laughing is easy. We make it back to our seats as the national anthem ends, with time enough to see Regan standing for it. I swoop in for a hug before she sits back down.
“I’m so sorry I almost missed this,” I whisper into her ear.
I let go as she lowers herself back into her seat.
“Are you okay? You kind of freaked us all out.”
I look at Regan’s parents, who pretend not to listen.
“I’m okay,” I lie. “And ready to watch some basketball.”
That’s a lie too, as I find myself watching Adam’s other guests almost as much as I watch the game. Adam was amazing to watch on TV, but watching him play in person is something else entirely.
He avoids crowd eye contact, even with his parents, which makes me a little less anxious that he’s never acknowledged me. When he sits on the bench, he’s close enough for me to see the beads of sweat on his skin and the limp in his step. On the court he never falters, but he’s taking it easier tonight, last Saturday’s game definitely having taken its toll. I don’t keep track of the minutes, but I can tell he’s sitting out more than he did for the Wisconsin game.
Tonight’s game is close, against one of our biggest rivals, Indiana. But almost every time Adam is on the court, he drives the ball to a successful play. We end up winning by a comfortable ten points, and while I’m happy for our team, I’m thrilled for Adam, knowing the significance of this night for him.
Zoe leaves for the bus as soon as the buzzer sounds, offering one more time to stay home with me. I ignore the selfish me that would gladly sit on the couch all weekend with her watching reruns of The Vampire Diaries and send her on her way to see Spock’s band on their home turf.
I wait with Regan and her parents through the obligatory interviews, sure Adam will at least want to see her. I’m right. As soon as the last newscaster pulls the microphone from his face, he heads right to us with a basketball in his hands.
“How about you take
care of the game ball for us?”
He holds it out to Regan, and she pulls it greedily into her lap.
“Oh. My. God. Thank you! You were so awesome tonight!”
Regan is beyond excited, and I’m happy Adam finally makes eye contact with me. Well, sort of. He stands right in front of me, but he’s not actually looking at me.
“Hey,” I say, hoping to break the ice.
“Hey.” His eyes move from Regan to me, and I’m relieved when his entire demeanor relaxes. Maybe I was reading too much into what was merely his focus on the game.
“Once again, you were great out there, but I expected nothing less.”
“Thanks.” He scratches the back of his head. “I mean thank you for being here. It means a lot.”
His smile makes a brief appearance, but a strange tension builds between us. I can feel it, like the air grows thicker every second we’re in each other’s presence. He looks over his shoulder and then back at me.
“We should talk,” he says. “There are some things I need to tell you. And I think maybe it’s time you . . .”
But he doesn’t get a chance to finish. His words linger as I follow where he was looking back toward his parents. They’re walking toward us now, but of course they’re not alone.
Adam doesn’t get the chance to tell me whatever he was going to say. Within seconds his mom has her arms wrapped around him. His dad gives him a hearty pat on the back. And when his mom releases her embrace, the blond definite non-sister throws her arms around his neck and buries her head in his chest.
I don’t wait around to get introduced as the party of three turns into four, all of them effortlessly guiding Adam away from where we stand.
“Good night, guys. I’ll see you tomorrow for the party.”
Regan and her parents must sense my urgency. They don’t try to keep me with any sort of long good-bye. Instead the three of them wave and let me make a quick exit.
I get to my car and lock myself inside. Once I have the key in the ignition, I crank up the radio to near-deafening proportions, drowning my thoughts before they drown me.
18
I drive for at least an hour, maybe more, making a loop on the highway by getting off and back on at the same exit. I need to move without stopping, for once to not get stuck in the wrong place with the wrong person. All this time I’ve been so afraid of hurting Adam, of giving him the wrong idea because I can’t control my goddamn feelings—can’t stop myself from falling for him when I know it won’t end well for either of us.
There are some things I need to tell you. Adam doesn’t need to tell me that I’ve misinterpreted everything. Another girl’s arms draped around his neck are enough to show me. This should be a relief—good news that no more signals will be mixed.
My encounter with Bryan should take center stage right now. I’m going to have to face him eventually, face what neither of us can seem to let go of. But running is so much easier.
I’ve accepted losing him. Even if I’m not past everything that happened, I accept that Bryan and I will never be what we were.
It’s losing Adam I’m not ready for. Running from him feels so far from right, but that was always the end game, wasn’t it? I made myself believe friendship was enough.
It’s not.
So I keep driving.
Only when I feel the adrenaline fade do I head back to campus.
There’s no more music in the car. I drive in silence, too numb to think about anything but sleep, begging it to pull me back under. Once in my apartment, I head straight to my room. I can’t get out of my clothes fast enough, needing every piece of this night as far from my body as possible. Once in my tank top and shorts, I force myself into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. In minutes I’m under the covers, ready for the night, and whatever this feeling is, to finally end.
My phone buzzes with a notification. I guess I never did get around to silencing it. I’m not going to yell at Bryan, only tell him I need time to deal with what he said. But the text isn’t from him.
Sexy Vampire: Can I come up?
He’s here.
My heart thundering in my rib cage is the only explanation for what I do next. Without another thought, with zero hesitation, I walk out my apartment door and into the open-air hallway looking down on a cement courtyard. The frigid air numbs my fingers and toes. If I’m lucky it will do the same to the rest of me because in Adam’s presence, it’s impossible to turn it off, to not feel. He wakes me up, and I’m powerless against wanting more.
He was watching the door, his eyes meeting mine as soon as I step out.
His voice is hoarse. Is it the weariness that comes after a game or something more?
“Is he your ex?” Adam calls from four floors below. “I never asked you about him before, but I need to know now.”
So he did see me.
“Yes.” I don’t ask him the question to which I already know the answer. But Adam replies anyway.
“That was my ex, Kim.” He runs a hand through his hair.
I close my eyes at the sound of her name. Names are a funny thing, the identity attached to them making what was only an idea into a full-blown reality.
He continues. “I wasn’t lying when I told you I hadn’t talked to her since everything happened with Jake, but I also didn’t tell you the whole truth. My parents loved her, have known her for years, and despite what she did, they’ve been trying to patch things up between us all year. They mean well. They just didn’t know how to fix the mess I’ve been. I didn’t either. Not before I met you.”
He watches for my reaction, but I have nothing left. I’m not the solution to his problem. I’m another complication.
“I left as soon as I could.” A quiet, nervous laugh accompanies his words. “Blew off partying with my team again. Seems to be the effect you have on me, Jess Elliott.”
He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out, slow and measured.
“I’ve been waiting here for almost an hour. I need to know you’re okay.” He takes a step closer to my side of the courtyard. “Are you okay?”
Something in me breaks loose, and for the first time I don’t hold back. I give him the truth.
“No, Adam.” My weariness drips from my words. “I’m not okay.”
I can see his dark eyes harden with determination before he speaks.
“Then unless you tell me not to, I’m coming up.”
He moves slowly toward the stairwell, never once breaking eye contact until he grips the handle of the door.
Before the door closes behind him, I say, “Okay.”
I walk into the dark silence of the apartment but leave the door swung wide. In seconds, barely enough time for me to back up against the opposite wall, he’s there, framed and backlit by the artificial light of the hallway.
He takes a few steps in, enough to close the door behind him. Like me he leans back, his hands tucked behind him while mine hug my torso.
“What’s going on, Jess?” he asks, his voice low and rough. “This can’t be all me. That kiss wasn’t just me. It was us, and it was right. And nothing’s been right since then. Tell me I’m wrong.” He pauses. “Am I wrong?”
My eyes sting, and I shake my head.
“I don’t want to mess up what we already have, but I can’t take you wanting me and then pushing me away,” he says. “You say you want one thing, to just be friends, but I don’t care what label we put on it. Something else is happening here.”
He shifts against the door but keeps his distance, and for the moment I am grateful because I can push it back. Whatever he’s doing to break through the numbness, I want to push it back. Because he’s right. Something else is happening. Something has always been happening, and no matter how hard I’ve tried to ignore it, I let him in.
He continues. “What if I can’t do what you’re asking? What if I want more?”
My head falls back against the wall.
“You won’t.” Bryan didn’t. Eve
n Ashley didn’t.
“What do you want, Jess?”
My eyes widen, and my breath catches in my throat.
What do I want?
I locked away the luxury of wanting more than a year ago.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t know how to want without the fear. History’s been known to repeat itself, right? That’s why I’ve taught myself that someone like you couldn’t want me back, not in the long run.”
It’s the most honest I’ve been with him yet, voicing my fear in an admission. What do I want? I want him.
He moves as if he’s about to step forward. I flinch, my body trying to melt into the wall, and he leans back against the door, hands clenched at his sides.
“Why do you get to decide that for me?” he asks.
“Because,” I say, too tired to fight my cracking voice, “If I waited for you to come to the same conclusion on your own, I couldn’t handle it. You couldn’t want a future with me, Adam. I ruined Bryan’s, ruined my own. If we were together, I’d end up ruining yours too.”
I expect my words to hold him at bay, but instead they have the opposite effect. He moves now so he’s right in front of me, too quick for me to protest. I can smell him, fresh from the shower and coated in the night air. And just this, this tiny sensation, awakens a need I’ve hidden away for so long.
He tucks my hair behind my ear, and my eyelids flutter shut.
“Do you want me, Jess, only me?”
The ache in his voice guts me. I’ve done nothing but push him away whenever we get too close, but to see how far I’ve pushed, that he could think I’d want anyone else—that tears me apart more than he’ll ever know.
What I want is to go back two months ago, to know what meeting him would do, to stop what’s been set in motion. But I can’t stop it. All he has to do is bring his skin to mine, and I’ll tell him anything, give him whatever I can to stop the hurt.
“Yes,” I whisper, the threat of tears more real than anything I’ve felt in a year. Everything with Adam is too real.
He bends his head toward mine, his warm breath dusting my skin.
“Because all I want is you,” he whispers. “Just you.”