by L. A. Casey
“What do you mean?” she quizzed. “Ye’ are a Slater brother.”
Not in any way that matters.
“On paper, yeah,” I said, “but inside, I don’t feel like one.”
“Why?”
“Because they don’t treat me like their equal,” I answered. “The treated me like the baby they were stuck with and had to raise. I hate it; I always have. Dominic is four minutes older than I am, and he knew about everything because he had a job for Marco.”
Alannah remained quiet.
“Anyway.” I cleared my throat. “I didn’t know that Nala was dead until we moved to Ireland, and my brothers wanted out of their deal with Marco because I repaid the life debt and made Marco more money than Trent ever could. Marco wanted to keep my family under his thumb, so that night in Darkness when we were together, I was attacked until I fell unconscious. You were knocked out and so was Bronagh. Marco used us as bait to lure my brothers into his trap. It all went sideways for him. Trent admitted he raped and murdered Nala the day after I shot him. She came by looking for me and walked in on Trent being treated by a doctor. Marco couldn’t let her live after what she saw, so he let Trent kill her. He raped her, killed her, and then buried her in the grave that was meant for him. She was ten weeks pregnant at the time; she had told me a few days beforehand, and I began to pull away from her because of that. I was terrified of having a baby, but it scared me more to love it in case I lost it.”
Tears filled Alannah’s eyes.
“I didn’t know it when I was a kid, but I thought Nala’s dad packed her up and moved because I could never find either of them when I searched. I always thought she was alive and had our baby, and I was pissed at her for not allowing me to be a part of that. My parents’ death sent me into grief, but Nala kept me there, and because of her, I kept everyone at arm’s length. I was so angry with her ... and all the while, I never knew that they were dead because of me.”
“Trent.”
I blinked. “What?”
“They died because of Trent, not you.” She sniffled. “Ye’ have to stop placin’ blame on your shoulders when it belongs on someone else’s.”
“Alannah—”
“No,” I cut him off. “Ye’ blame yourself for everythin’ that happened, but ye’ were a baby. Fifteen years old. Ye’ had no control over what other people did, so stop blamin’ yourself. Marco tricked your family into workin’ for ‘im. He is to blame for all of this, and Trent is responsible for killin’ Nala and your baby. Him, not you!”
I stared at her, struggling to allow myself to believe her words.
“Ye’ aren’t to blame.”
I swallowed. “You don’t blame me for everything?”
“No,” she said. “And I know no one else does either.”
I looked down, not believing that.
“We can come back to that,” I said, clearing my throat. “I want to keep going.”
Alannah nodded and waited.
“After all that happened, everything with Darkness, with us, I decided to leave to better myself, thanks to Bronagh.”
“Bronagh?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “When she came by the room we were in, she was straight with me. She told me exactly how she felt, and how horrible I was for sleeping with you when I knew you liked me. She knew how much I never wanted to be like my parents, and she made me realise how I was treating girls, how I treated you, was wrong and something they would do. She was brutal, but no one else was going to tell me what I needed to hear. She flipped a switch in me.”
“What did ye’ do when ye’ went back to New York?”
“I removed the headstone for Trent on Nala’s grave and had a new one made for her and the baby. I know it was still inside her stomach, but it was still a baby, and I wanted people to know that he or she existed. You know?”
“Yeah, sweetheart, I know.”
I exhaled a breath. “Do you hate me for getting Nala pregnant?”
“Of course not,” she replied, shocked. “Damien, ye’ didn’t know I existed when ye’ and Nala were together. Don’t be silly.”
I nodded and looked down at my hands.
“Maybe ... maybe we can buy Nala and the baby a star, just like you bought me,” she suggested. “That way when we looked up, we’ll know they’re out there watchin’ over us. Would that help you in any way?”
I lifted my gaze and locked eyes on the most considerate, selfless, and wonderful woman I had ever had the honour to meet. Here I was, telling Alannah all my dark past. She listened to horrifying things, and she still wanted to respect a girl I loved in my past along with the child we created but was never born. She was everything that was pure in my world, and I loved her more than I could accurately put into words.
“It’s okay to cry,” she told me. “You’re allowed to be sad and grieve who you lost. You don’t need to worry about how I feel about it. I’m sad for you and for Nala and the baby, too. No one deserves what she went through.”
My eyes stung as I got up and sat beside her. She wrapped her arms around me when I hugged her body to mine. I put my head against hers and cried. I cried for Nala, I cried for our baby, I cried for Alannah, my brother, their partners, and I cried for all their suffering, and I cried for my own, too.
“I have more to tell you,” I said, clearing my throat.
“More of your story or your brothers?”
“My brothers,” I answered, pulling back to look at her. “Mine ended after I ... after I took Trent’s life.”
I waited for Alannah to be revolted with my admission, but it never came.
“I’m glad,” she said, taking hold of my hand. “I’m glad.”
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers.
“Also, I don’t want to hear your brothers’ stories from you. I want to hear it from them.”
I nodded and kept my eyes closed, savouring her touch.
“Are ye’ okay?”
“I’m just enjoying this feeling of being close to you,” I answered as I opened my eyes. “I’ve missed you so much, freckles.”
“I’ve missed you too,” she said. “It killed me to shut ye’ out, but I needed to. I needed to reach this frame of mind where I was able to hear ye’ out.”
“I know, baby.”
When she kissed me, I was so surprised that I didn’t return the kiss for a few seconds, but when I did, it felt like magic. When we separated, I kept my hold on her. I never wanted to let her go again. Without her, I wasn’t complete.
“I want to talk to you about Alec,” I said. “He gave me permission to tell you this. This is something only I know, and by allowing me to tell you, he wants you to know that he loves and trusts you enough to keep this secret between the three of us.”
She reared back. “I don’t wanna know. I don’t wanna keep secrets anymore.”
“This is a secret that you won’t want to share,” I assured her. “It’s only to help you understand my brother and understand the level of love and trust he has for you after everything you have been through with Carter.”
Alannah looked torn but eventually nodded, and said, “Okay.”
“Alec is in his thirties, and he is happy all the time,” I began. “He makes innuendoes, he overreacts about a lot of things, he has shits and giggles about random things that pop into his head. He is different. Have you ever stopped and wondered why?”
She blinked. “No.”
“Out of all my brothers,” I continued. “Alec is the one who deserves to smile and laugh over dumb shit because for a very long time, the bubbly, happy man you know didn’t exist. He was a shell of a person.”
“What?” she whispered. “Why not?”
“He was heavily abused in his line of work.” I swallowed. “He was a prostitute in Marco’s eyes, but he considered himself to be an escort. Most of the time, he had consensual sex on the job. A lot of the time, he didn’t even have to kiss his dates, but some of the time ... he was forced to do thing
s that I don’t want to go into detail about.”
“R-rape?”
“Yes.”
Alannah covered her mouth with her hand.
“It got bad,” I said, my voice tight. “When I was sixteen, a year after the jobs started, Alec was hurt by two men in a way I’ll never be able to get over.”
Alannah paled.
“He always came home late, and this night, I got some midnight snacks when I heard him come in and go up the stairs. He was crying. I had never heard him cry before, so I knew whatever happened to him was bad. I followed him up the stairs after a minute or two, just to see if he was okay and ... he tried to kill himself, Alannah,” I said, pain spreading across my chest like wildfire. “He used a rope, threw it over one of the beams on the ceiling, and put it around his neck. What those men did to him made him want to die.”
“Oh, God.”
“I still don’t know how I got him down or got the rope from around his neck. It’s all a blur, but I’m just happy I was awake when he came home, and that I followed him to see if he was okay.”
Alannah cried for my brother, and I held her.
“He told me everything that had happened to him and made me swear never to tell the others. Not because he didn’t trust them, but because he wanted to save them the pain of knowing.”
“Like ... like you and the others tried to do with me.”
“Yes, because some secrets are best left buried, baby.”
She nodded.
“I’ll never tell,” she swore. “I promise, I’ll never tell. I won’t even speak of it to Alec.”
“I know you won’t.”
“I can’t believe he went through that.”
“All of my brothers have been through hell.”
Alannah was quiet.
“It’s my fault,” I continued. “I ruined their lives because I couldn’t keep my temper in check.”
She looked up at me. “Are ye’ sure he never told Keela about this, though?”
“I’m sure.” I nodded. “When I came back, and when I was on my own with him, he explained that it was a part of his life he wanted to protect her from. Since he couldn’t protect her from the other parts of his life that had bad implications on their relationship.”
“Then why are ye’ tellin’ me?”
“Because he wants you to know just how much he does trust you. He hated how you looked at him the day Carter got in your head; it hurt him to see you scared of him. It’s just ... he was silent for so long, but now he has a reason to be heard. Do you understand?”
“I do.” She nodded. “I really do.”
When she suddenly stood, I looked up at her and frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’,” she answered. “I want to go up to Kane’s apartment so we can talk to everyone else.”
I got to my feet. “Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been surer of anythin’ in me life.”
When we entered my brother’s apartment, it was silent. We both entered the living room, and all eyes fell on us. Everyone’s eyes locked on Alannah’s and my hands, and they all seemed to sigh a breath of relief when they saw our fingers threaded together. Before anyone spoke, Alannah crossed the room to Alec and wrapped her arms around him tightly.
“I love ye’,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest. “So much ye’ cup obsessed bastard.”
Alec vibrated with laughter.
“I love you too, you cup destroying bitch. You’re getting me a new one, by the way. I’m going to be a nightmare until you do.”
When they separated, they were laughing. I noticed everyone was looking at the pair of us with grins. Bronagh embraced Alannah next, and she was crying.
“I love you so much.” She sniffled. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Alannah told her. “Do not be sorry. I understand.”
They held each other tightly.
“You’re me best friend, and I love ye’ so much.”
When they separated, Alannah looked around the room.
“I apologise to all of ye’s,” she said, swallowing. “I understand why ye’s wanted to protect me from knowin’ about your past, and I’m so sorry I called ye’ monsters. I hope ye’ can forgive me.”
“Alannah,” Ryder said with a huff. “You were forgiven the second you said it, kid.”
She hugged him, and then everyone else in the room, before she returned to my side and slid her arm around my waist.
“Me and Damien have talked, a lot, and he has told me everythin’ he needed to,” she said. “I wanted your stories to come from each of you, and I know you’re all willin’ to tell me, but as of right now, I don’t need to know any more. If I do, I’ll ask. At this moment in time, I just want to leave the past in the past and focus on our futures.”
“I couldn’t have said it better myself, Lana.”
She looked at Dominic when he spoke and smiled.
“I just need you four to help me with somethin’,” she said, nodding to Ryder, Alec, Kane, and Nico. “Somethin’ important.”
“Anything,” they replied.
“I need to ye’ tell Damien not to blame himself for all the horrible things Marco and those other people involved have put ye’s through because he blames himself and doesn’t believe me when I say otherwise. He doesn’t feel like he is truly a brother to you lads, and it breaks me heart that he feels that way.”
I tensed and looked down at her, shocked she had mentioned that.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I do,” Dominic said, gaining my attention. “Say that you aren’t to blame, and that you’re my brother.”
“I am to blame, though,” I replied. “This happened, all of it, because of me. Every job you all had to do, every ounce of pain and worry your women went through, was because of me. I ruined everything.”
I remained still when Dominic got in my space, grabbed the collar of my sweater, and hauled me up against him. I saw pain in his eyes, and I wanted to make it go away.
“Whatever you have done or whatever you do, you’re still my fucking brother! Realise that, and then fucking accept it. I love you to death, man. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life; it’s made me who I am and brought me to my family.”
“But your life—”
“Wouldn’t have turned out like this if our past didn’t happen. I’d have never met Bronagh, the woman I’m going to marry, and she would never have given me a beautiful baby girl or be pregnant with my second baby.”
I stared at my brother, my twin, and I felt lost.
“But Dominic—”
“No!” He shook me. “You. Did. Not. Ruin. Our. Lives.”
“Dominic—”
“Damien!” he screamed, his head shaking. “You did nothing to us. So many people are responsible for the bad shit that’s happened to us, but it was all because of one person, and that person was Marco, not you. Never you.”
I remained mute.
“Acknowledge it,” he pressed. “Out loud.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I can’t.”
I felt responsible for everything, and I couldn’t just switch it off.
“Damien,” Dominic said slowly. “Acknowledge. It. Out. Loud.”
I heard Alannah’s cry, and it broke my heart that this confrontation was upsetting her.
“Damien.” Alec spoke from behind us. “Say it because it’s the truth, bro. Everything that happened to us was not your fault. None of it.”
I didn’t know how he could say that to me after what happened to him.
“Say it, kid,” Kane urged. “You’re not to blame, for fucking any of it.”
I opened my eyes and looked at each of my brothers. I looked into their eyes, and a sob caught in my throat when I saw their truth. They truly didn’t blame me for anything that had happened to us. They weren’t just protecting me because I was their brother; they were telling me the truth because they loved me.
>
“Come on, Dame,” Ryder spoke last, his voice firm. “Say it. You didn’t ruin our lives, Marco did.”
I opened and closed my mouth twice before I said, “I ... I didn’t ruin our lives ... Marco did.”
Dominic hugged me, and my brothers quickly followed suit.
“Everyone has demons, Dame,” Kane said, clapping his hand against my back. “We just need to be meaner than them because you know what, bro? We deserve to be happy.”
When we separated, I turned my eyes on Alannah.
“I love ye’,” she said for the first time, knocking the air out of me. “I love ye’ so much, Damien.”
I stood across the way, staring at her for a good ten seconds before I snapped out of my trance and crossed the room to her in two seconds flat. My body crashed into hers, and to avoid falling backwards, her arms instantly latched around my waist, while my hands gripped either side of her face. I stared down at Alannah, hoping she could see in my eyes how much I loved her.
“I love ye’, Damien,” she repeated. “I have never come close to lovin’ another person; it’s why I’ve always been so scared when it came to you. I have never loved another person the way I love you. You’re me heart, and if ye’ll still have me, I’m yours. I’ve always been yours.”
Tears spilled over the brims of my eyes and streamed down my cheeks like a collapsed dam.
“Love, no,” she pleaded. “Please, don’t cry. Please.”
She leaned up and kissed away my tears, pressing her lips all over my face, landing lastly on my lips.
“I love you,” she said, pressing chaste kissing to my mouth. “I love you; I love you; I love you.”
My forehead fell against hers, my hands dropped to her waist, and I hugged her body to mine so tightly.
“Alannah,” I rasped, my voice tight. “I’ve loved you since we were kids.”
A sob tore free of her throat.
“Me too, I just didn’t realise it.” she said. “God, I love ye’ so much it terrifies me, Damien.”
“Don’t be scared,” I said. “I’ve got you. For as long as you’ll have me, I’ve got you.”
“How does forever sound?”
I squeezed her. “It’s sound fucking heavenly, freckles.”