"Yes!" she agreed, abruptly and hastily. I was even surprised by the hastiness of this "yes." So perhaps the same thought was wandering through her mind as she was peering at me just now? So she, too, is already capable of certain thoughts?… "Devil take it, that's curious, it's - akin" I reflected, almost rubbing my hands. "No, how can I fail to get the better of such a young soul?…"
It was the game that fascinated me most of all.
She turned her head closer to me and, it seemed to me in the darkness, propped it with her hand. Perhaps she was peering at me. How sorry I was that I couldn't make out her eyes. I heard her deep breathing.
"Why did you come here?" I began, now with a sense of power. I just…
"And how good it would be to be living in your father's house! Warm, free; your own nest."
"And what if it's worse than that?"
A thought flashed in me: "I must find the right tone; sentimentality may not get me far."
However, it merely flashed. I swear she really did interest me. Besides, I was somehow unnerved and susceptible. And knavery goes so easily with feeling.
"Who can say!" I hastened to reply. "All sorts of things happen. Now, I'm sure someone wronged you, and it's rather they who are guilty before you than you before them. I know nothing of your story, but a girl of your sort certainly wouldn't come here of her own liking…"
"What sort of girl am I?" she whispered, barely audibly; but I heard it.
"Devil take it," I thought, "I'm flattering her. This is vile. Or maybe it's good…" She was silent.
"You see, Liza - I'll speak about myself! If I'd had a family in my childhood, I wouldn't be the same as I am now. I often think about it. No matter how bad things are in a family, still it's your father and mother, not enemies, not strangers. At least once a year they'll show love for you. Still you know you belong there. I grew up without a family: that must be why I turned out this way… unfeeling."
I bided my time again.
"Maybe she just doesn't understand," I thought, "and anyway it's ridiculous - this moralizing."
"If I were a father and had a daughter, I think I'd love my daughter more than my sons, really," I began obliquely, as if talking about something else, to divert her. I confess I was blushing.
"Why is that?" she asked.
Ah, so she's listening!
"I just would; I don't know, Liza. You see: I knew a father who was a stern, severe man, but he was forever on his knees before his daughter, kept kissing her hands and feet, couldn't have enough of admiring her, really. She'd be dancing at a party, and he'd stand for five hours in the same spot, unable to take his eyes off her. He was mad about her; I can understand that. She'd get tired at night and go to sleep, and he would wake up and start kissing her and making the sign of the cross over her while she slept. He himself went around in a greasy jacket, was niggardly with everybody, but for her he'd have spent his last kopeck, he kept giving her rich presents, and what a joy it was for him if she liked the present. A father always loves his daughters more than a mother does. It's a delight for some girls to live at home! And I don't think I'd even give my daughter in marriage."
"Why not?" she said, with a slight chuckle.
"I'd be jealous, by God. How could she kiss another man? Or love a stranger more than her father? It's even painful to imagine it. Of course, that's all nonsense; of course, everyone will finally see reason. But I think, before giving her away, I'd wear myself out just with worry: I'd reject one suitor after another. But in the end I'd marry her to the one she herself loved. To a father, the man his daughter falls in love with herself always seems the worst. That's how it is. Much harm is done in families because of it."
"Some are glad to sell their daughter, and not give her away honorably," she suddenly said.
Ah! That's what it is!
"That happens, Liza, in those cursed families where there is neither God nor love," I picked up heatedly, "and where there is no love, there is no reason. Such families do exist, it's true, but I'm not talking about them. Evidently you saw no goodness in your family, since you talk that way. You're one of the truly unfortunate ones. Hm… It all comes mainly from poverty."
"And is it any better with the masters? Honest people have good lives even in poverty."
"Hm… yes. Perhaps. Then there's this, Liza: man only likes counting his grief, he doesn't count his happiness. But if he were to count properly, he'd see that there's enough of both lots for him. Well, and what if everything goes right in the family, God blesses it, your husband turns out to be a good man, who loves you, pampers you, never leaves your side! It's good in this family! Oftentimes even half mixed with grief it's still good; and where is there no grief? Perhaps, once you get married, you'll find out for yourself. But take just the beginning, after you've married someone you love: there's such happiness at times, so much happiness! I mean, day in and day out. In the beginning, even quarrels with a husband end well. Some women, the more they love, the more they pick quarrels with their husbands. It's true; I knew such a woman: 'You see,' she all but said, 'I love you very much, and torment you out of love, and you ought to feel it.' Do you know that one can deliberately torment a person out of love? Women, mainly. And she thinks to herself: 'But afterwards I'll love him so much for it, I'll caress him so, that it's no sin to torment him a bit now.' And at home everyone rejoices over you, and it's good, and cheery, and peaceful, and honest… Then, too, there's the jealous sort. He goes out somewhere - I knew one like this - she can't help herself, she jumps out at night and runs on the sly to see: is he there, is he in that house, is he with that woman? Now, that is bad. And she knows herself that it's bad, and her heart is sinking, and she blames herself, and yet she loves him; it's all from love. And how good to make peace after a quarrel, to own up to him, or to forgive! And how good, how good they both suddenly feel - as if they were meeting anew, getting married anew, beginning to love anew. And no one, no one ought to know what goes on between a husband and wife if they love each other. And whatever quarrel they may have - they shouldn't call even their mother to be their judge or hear them tell about each other. They are their own judges. Love - is God's mystery, and should be hidden from all other eyes, whatever happens. It's holier that way, and better. They respect each other more, and so much is founded on respect. And if there was love once, if they were married out of love, why should love pass? Can't it be sustained? It rarely happens that it can't be. Well, and if the husband proves to be a kind and honest man, how can love pass? The first married love will pass, true, but then an even better love will come. Then their souls will grow close; they'll decide all their doings together; they'll have no secrets from each other. And when children arrive, then all of it, even the hardest times, will look like happiness; one need only love and have courage. Now even work brings joy, now even if you must occasionally deny yourself bread for the children's sake, still there is joy. For they will love you for it later; so you're laying aside for yourself. The children are growing - you feel you're an example to them, a support for them; that even when you die, they'll bear your thoughts and feelings upon themselves as they received them from you, they'll take on your image and likeness. 16 So it is a great duty. How can a father and mother fail to grow closer? People say it's hard having children. Who says so? It's a heavenly happiness! Do you love little children, Liza? I love them terribly. You know - there's this rosy little boy sucking at your breast, now what husband's heart could turn against his wife, looking at her sitting with his child! The baby is rosy, plump, pampered, sprawling; his little hands and feet are pudgy; his nails are so clean and small, so small it's funny to see; his eyes seem to understand everything already. He's sucking and clutching at your breast with his little hand, playing. The father comes up - he'll tear himself away from the breast, bend back, look at his father, laughing - as if it really were God knows how funny - and then again, again start sucking. Or else he'll up and bite his mother's breast, if he's already cutting teeth, while giving her
a sidelong look: 'See how I bit you!' Isn't this the whole of happiness, when they're all three together, husband, wife, and child? A lot can be forgiven for those moments. No, Liza, one must first learn how to live, and only then accuse others!"
"With pictures," I thought to myself, "I'll get you with these pictures!" - though, by God, I had spoken with feeling - and suddenly blushed. "What if she suddenly bursts out laughing, what will I do with myself then?" The idea infuriated me. I had indeed become excited towards the end of my speech, and now my vanity somehow suffered. The silence continued. I even wanted to nudge her.
"It's like you…" she began suddenly, and stopped.
But I already understood everything: something different was trembling in her voice now, not sharp, not rude, not unyielding as before, but something soft and bashful, so bashful that I myself felt abashed, felt guilty before her.
"What?" I asked, with tender curiosity.
"But you…"
"What?"
"It's as if you… as if it's from a book," she said, and again something like mockery suddenly sounded in her voice.
I was painfully twinged by this remark. It was not what I was expecting.
I did not even understand that she was purposely assuming a mask of mockery, that this is the usual last device of a bashful and chaste-hearted person whose soul is being rudely and importunately pried into, and who will not surrender till the last minute out of pride, and is afraid of showing any feeling before you. I should have guessed it from the very timidity with which she ventured, haltingly, upon her mockery, before she finally brought herself to express it. But I did not guess, and a wicked feeling took hold of me. "You just wait," I thought.
VII
Eh, come now, Liza, what have books got to do with it, if I myself feel vile for your sake. And not only for your sake. It all just rose up in my soul… Can it be, can it be that you don't find it vile here? No, habit evidently counts for a lot! Devil knows what habit can't make of a person. But can it be that you seriously think you'll never get old, that you'll be forever good-looking, and they'll keep you here forever and ever? It's foul enough even here, needless to say… However, this is what I can tell you about that, I mean, about your present life: granted you're young, attractive, nice, with a soul, with feelings; well, but do you know that when I came to my senses just now, I immediately felt vile for being here with you! One has to be drunk to end up here. But if you were in a different place, living as good people live, I might not just dangle after you, but simply fall in love with you, and be glad if you merely glanced at me, let alone spoke. I'd watch for you by the gate, I'd stay forever on my knees before you; I'd look upon you as my fiancee, and regard it as an honor. I wouldn't dare even think anything impure about you. While here I know I just have to whistle and, like it or not, you'll go with me, and it's no longer I who ask your will, but you mine. The merest peasant hires himself out to work - yet his bondage isn't total; besides, he knows there's a term to it. But where is your term? Just think: what is it you're giving up here? What are you putting in bondage? It's your soul, your soul, over which you have no power, that you put in bondage along with your body! You give your love to be profaned by any drunkard! Love! - but this is everything, it's a diamond, a maiden's treasure, this love! To deserve this love a man would be ready to lay down his soul, to face death. And what is the value of your love now? You're all bought, bought outright, and why try to obtain love if everything is possible without love? There's no worse offense for a girl, do you understand that? Now, I've heard that they humor you, fools that you are - they allow you to have lovers here. That's only an indulgence, only a deception, only a mockery of you, yet you believe it. What, does he really love you, this lover? I don't believe it. How can he love you, when he knows that you'll be called away from him any moment. He's a rotter in that case! Does he have even a drop of respect for you? What do you have in common with him? He's laughing at you while he steals from you - that's what his love amounts to! You can be thankful if he doesn't beat you. But maybe he does. Ask yours, if you have one: will he marry you? He'll burst out laughing in your face, if he doesn't spit, or give you a beating -and meanwhile his total worth is maybe two broken kopecks. And for the sake of what, one wonders, have you ruined your life here? For having coffee to drink, and being well fed? But what do they feed you for? Another woman, an honest one, would choke on it, because she'd know what they're feeding her for. You're in debt here, so you'll stay in debt, and you'll be in debt till the final end, till the time when the clients start spurning you. And that will come soon, don't count on your youth. It all flies by posthaste here. So they'll kick you out. And not simply kick you out, but first start picking on you long beforehand, reproaching you, abusing you - as if it wasn't you who gave her your health, destroyed your youth and soul for her in vain, but as if it was you who ruined her, beggared her, robbed her. And don't look for any support: the other girls will also attack you, to get in good with her, because everyone here is a slave and has long since lost all conscience and compassion. They're sunk in meanness, and no abuse in the world is more foul, mean, or offensive than that. And you'll lay down everything here, everything without stint - health, and youth, and beauty, and hopes - and at twenty-two you'll look like you're thirty-five, and you'll be lucky if you're not sick, pray to God for that. You must be thinking now that it's a picnic and not work at all! But there is not and never has been any harder or harsher work in the world than this. One would think your heart alone would simply pour itself out in tears. And you won't dare say a word, not half a word, when they throw you out of here; you'll go as if you were the one to blame. You'll go to another place, then to a third, then somewhere else, and finally you'll reach the Haymarket. And there they'll give you the routine beating; it's a courtesy of the place; there a client can't even be nice to a girl without beating her first. You don't believe it's so disgusting there? Go and look someday, maybe you'll see with your own eyes. I once saw a girl there, alone, by the door, on New Year's day. Her own people had kicked her out for the fun of it, to cool her off a bit, because she was howling too much, and locked the door behind her. At nine o'clock in the morning she was already completely drunk, disheveled, half-naked, all beaten up. Her face was powdered white, and her eyes were black-and-blue; blood was flowing from her nose and teeth: some coachman had just given her a pasting. She sat down on the stone stairs, holding some kind of salted fish; she was howling and wailing something about her 'miserble lot,' beating her fish against the steps. And coachmen and drunken soldiers crowded around the steps, teasing her. You don't believe you'll be the same? I wouldn't want to believe it either, but how do you know, maybe this same girl, the one with the salted fish, came here from somewhere ten or, say, eight years ago, fresh as a little cherub, innocent, pure, knowing no evil, and blushing at every word. Maybe she was just like you - proud, touchy, different from the rest; she had the look of a princess, and knew that complete happiness awaited the one who would love her, and whom she would love. See where it ended up? And what if at the same moment as she sat there, drunk and disheveled, beating her fish on the dirty steps, what if at that moment she recalled all her former pure years in her father's house, when she was still going to school, and the neighbor's son used to watch for her on the way, assured her he would love her all his life, that he would make his fate hers, and they made a vow together to love each other forever and to be married as soon as they got bigger! No, Liza, it will be lucky, lucky for you if you die quickly of consumption, someplace in a corner, in a basement, like that girl. In a hospital, you say? If they take you there, fine, but what if your madam still needs you? Consumption is that sort of illness; it's not a fever. A person goes on hoping till the last moment, saying he's well. It's just self-indulgence. But there's profit in it for the madam. Don't worry, it's true; you've sold your soul, you owe money besides, so you don't dare make a peep. And when you're dying, they'll all abandon you, they'll all turn away from you - because what good are
you then? They'll even reproach you for uselessly taking up space and not dying quickly enough. You'll have a hard time getting a drink of water, they'll give it to you with a curse: 'Hurry up and croak, you slut; you're moaning, people can't sleep, the clients are disgusted.' It's true; I've overheard such words myself. They'll shove you, on the point of croaking, into the stinkingest corner of the basement - dark, damp; what will you go over in your mind then, lying there alone? You'll die - they'll lay you out hurriedly, strangers' hands, grumblingly, impatiently - and no one will bless you, no one will sigh over you, all they'll think is how to get you off their backs quickly. They'll buy a pine box, take you out as they did that poor girl today, and go to a pot-house to commemorate you. There's slush, muck, wet snow in the grave - they won't go to any trouble over you. 'Lower her in, Vanyukha; look at this "miserble lot" going legs up even here - the so-and-so. Shorten the ropes, you rascal.' 'It'll do as it is.' 'What'll do? She's lying on her side. You got a human being here, don't you? Well, that'll do, fill it in.' They won't even want to argue long because of you. They'll cover you up quickly with wet blue clay and go to the pothouse… That's the end of your memory on earth; other people's graves are visited by children, fathers, husbands, but at yours -not a tear, not a sigh, not a prayer, and no one, no one in the whole world will ever come to you; your name will disappear from the face of the earth - as if you'd never existed, as if you'd never been born! Mud and swamp, go ahead and knock on your coffin lid at night, when dead men rise: 'Let me out, good people, to live in the world! I lived - but saw nothing of life, my life was used up like an old rag; it got drunk up in a pothouse on the Haymarket; let me out, good people, to live in the world one more time!
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