by Nicole Hite
“Keep your shit together all the time. I can barely keep myself together to breathe in and out. Sometimes I don’t know which way is up or down.”
“You don’t learn it overnight, Kat. It’s a progression. Just like the disease.”
“How so,” I asked as I wiped the tear that had made its way to my chin.
“You know, Kat,” he began. “This disease does not define you. Do you have a pen in that duffel bag of yours?”
I handed him a pen as he took a napkin from the table. On the napkin he drew a giant circle. Within the larger circle he drew a smaller circle in the middle with a smiley face. In the bottom corner of the larger circle he drew a smaller circle with a sad face in it.
Pointing with his pen at the larger circle, “See this bubble?”
“Yes,” I grinned.
“This, this is your life. Its huge and made up with so many factors like your job, car, house etc.”
“Okay.”
“Now, see this little circle in the middle with this cute little happy face?”
Giggling, “Yep.”
“That’s you. That’s what makes you, you and what makes you happy; friends, family, books, me,” he smirked.
“Ugh, huh.”
“This is your happy place, where nothing can touch you. Where you are content, enjoying this big ass life. Now see this tiny little fucker right here?”
“Yes.”
“This blob is ALS. It’s not what makes up your life or you for that matter, it’s a blip.”
“A really shitty blip,” I turned up my lip at the very mention of it.
“You see how you are reacting now? Don’t let that little shit move its way into your smiley face circle. Once you do, it’s won. Push it away and don’t let it grow to take over your entire life.”
Placing the pen down, he looked up to meet my glassy eyes.
“But what if I can’t put it aside? I’m scared it’s going to swallow me hole.”
“That’s why I’m here,” he said reaching across the table taking my hand into his. “Yes, this sucks. There is no denying that, but fight to stay whole.”
“It’s hard to fight sometimes when there is nothing that can be done, no medicines to help, Lee.”
“Once I saw this amazing couple on You Tube with a spectacular view on ALS. If you take away anything from this, know that happiness cures what medicine can’t.”
Letting the teardrops fall onto our interlocking hands, Lee lifted them and placed a simple kiss on the backside of my hand.
We sat for a long time, chatting and not bringing up the disease, his friend or even AA. I felt normal. I felt wanted. I felt like an average girl going on a date with an average boy. But he was anything but normal. He was spectacular. Any other man wouldn’t know how to handle this or even say the right things to make me feel better. He was special – a once in a lifetime kind of special.
“We need to create a bucket list of things we want to do and accomplish. Are you game?”
“Bucket lists seem so final though,” I grimaced.
“Of course they do when you have that kind of attitude.”
“Fine, I’ll play your little bucket game.”
“Awesome! This is your homework for the night. I want you to write at least 4 things you want to do during your lifetime…”
“Why 4? Can we make it at least 5, 4 is just a bizarre number?”
“I was getting to that part before I was so rudely interrupted,” he grinned.
“Oh. Sorry. Please continue,” I grinned at his adorable scolding.
“As I was saying, 4 for homework and I want you to write down at least one right now.”
“Right now?” I looked at him with scrunched brows.
“RIGHT. NOW!” he silent screamed.
“Okay, you asked for it.”
Scribbling on the back side of the napkin I wrote, 1. Try Gumbo, Jambalya, and Shrimp Creole.”
Lee swiveled the napkin around as he stared at the tissue in horror.
“You mean to tell me that you’ve lived in New Orleans for…”
“Thirty-two years…”
“And you’ve never had tried Gumbo, Jambalya, and Shrimp Creole?”
“Never,” I sank in my chair, ashamed.
“Well, you know what we have to do now, don’t you?”
“No. What?”
“You are forcing me take you out on a second date tomorrow night. Now, I know that’s a lot to ask, but I can’t let you go another day without trying the best of what N’Orleans has to offer, Petit Bebe.”
“So this is a date we are having right now?”
“Was that all you took away from that? Sheesh woman!”
“I’d love to. Now, if it doesn’t settle well with my tummy, I need to know I can count on you to hold my hair back.”
“Umm, hello. I happen to have a black belt in hair pulling,” he chuckled with a devilish grin.
“I will take that as a yes,” I smiled with a wink.
“It’s a date then,” he kissed my palm.
“It’s a date.”
Pacing my bedroom, the butterflies in my stomach were entertaining a WWE match the way they fluttered around. After our conversation yesterday, I had never been so excited to do homework. Since I had the day off, and my car was done so early, I decided to work on my list. I had never written down a wish list before, I had no clue where to even begin.
Would Lee think my wishes were stupid?
I tucked the list into my handbag and lifted my bag to throw it over my shoulder. As soon as I swung, the bag released from my hand obligatorily and flung backwards nearly hitting my laptop. Bringing my wrist in front of my face, my hand was shaking and felt weak. The toss was completely involuntary, but also snapped me back to reality.
I reached down to pick up the contents; nevertheless, I was having problems grasping items to scoop them up to put back in my bag.
Do no cry, Kat. Don’t give up, Kat. You can do this, Kat. Keep calm, Kat.
I took several deep breaths as I concentrated on the actions and their functionalities. I could visibly see the deterioration of muscle in the fatty tissue of my thumb. Where there was once muscular tissue, I could see the formerly taught skin slightly lose; a stark contrast to my matching appendage.
Finally getting everything into my bag, I shook off the tremors. I lifted the bag with my left hand to avoid having to think about my right. It took every ounce of me to keep my composure as I barreled down the wooden stairs.
The aged boards cracked and creaked as I hit the landing. Standing before me was a very dapper Lee. Tucked under his arm was a beautiful bouquet of roses of all colors and sizes.
“I forgot which colors meant what so I got a mixture,” he laughed. “I was going to go yellow, but I’m pretty sure that means, ‘I’m sorry”. That’s not how I want to start off our date.”
“Apologizing before we even leave, that’s a healthy way to start a date,” I giggle.
Bending over, I took a big whiff of their fragrant petals.
“They smell amazing.”
Lee went to hand them to me and I instinctually went to grab them with my right hand. Before the stems made contact, I immediately switched hands. I didn’t want to make a complete ass out of myself and have another repeat of what had just occurred upstairs.
Lee gave me a peculiar stare as I took them from him.
“I’m just going to put these in water.”
“Let me help you with that,” he offered.
We walked to the kitchen together, smiling like idiots.
“I need three things,” he said turning toward me and placing his hands on my shoulders.
“List away, Captain.”
“A vase, a sharp knife and aspirin,” he listed off his fingers.
“Aspirin?” I cocked an eyebrow
“Don’t ask questions, Dove. We have a patient that needs our attention. Now, Vase!”
“Here you go, Doctor.”
“Aspirin!” he yells, trying desperately to hold his laughter at bay.
Gripping the easy grip bottle, I rolled two tiny pills in my hand.
“Yes, Doctor.”
Taking the pills, Lee places them on the counter next to the vase. Lee carefully lifts the vase, thrusting it down on the pills. Clutching the heavy glass, he crunched the aspirin into a fine powder.
“Nurse, knife!”
Chuckling, I hand him the blade, handle first. Lee slipped the blade underneath the brittle cellophane, slicing it away from the beautiful roses. Extracting the stems from the wrapping, he placed them on the wooden cutting board we keep out. Handling the blade like a true culinary genius, he sliced the stems diagonally.
After he was done cutting the stems, he took the vase, swept in the powdered aspirin and filled the vase up with water.
“Want to do the honors, Nurse?” he stated as he placed the glass on the granite counter top.
Scooping the roses into my hands, I immediately drop them back onto the counter.
“Ouch!” I whimpered as I suck my thumb where the thorns nicked me.
“Do we have an ornery patient? Did the thorns get you? Here let me see.”
The blood stopped, but it still stung like a bitch. Lifting my thumb to his lips, Lee took my finger into his mouth. He sucked in my digit caressing it with his smooth tongue all the while never taking his eyes away from me. He dragged his perfect lips across the delicate flesh, knowing damn well it was driving me crazy. Sliding his lips off my thumb, he gave it a sweet peck before pulling away.
“Better?” he grinned.
“You are evil.”
“Naw. You just hate that I get you so well.”
“Why do you get me so well? I still haven’t figured that out.”
“Whether you want to believe it or not, we are one in the same.”
I could have retorted with a cynical response, but the moment was too perfect to interfere with.
Happiness cures what medicine can’t. Only positive vibes, Kat.
Words escaped me in that kitchen and all I wanted to do was freeze time in that very moment. Lee still hadn’t released my hand, and I wasn’t exactly sure I even wanted him to. It was times like these I needed to bottle up and stash away for when the bad days hit me like a ton of bricks.
“You are a ray of sunshine, Kathryn Dove,” he said almost inaudibly.
“What? No paper crane?” I joked.
“I save those for the really special moments,” he chuckles.
“And this isn’t a special moment?” I grimaced.
“No. Just wait. You’ll know when it’s truly special.”
His smile was contagious the way it stretched from ear to ear. He put everything into it like it was the last time he would ever smile again. His amazing personality and view on life was so refreshing. Even with all my flaws, he never once treated me like I was delicate or I could break at any minute. He didn’t pity me nor treat me like a head case. He treated me like a man, just wanting a girl to take a chance and leap of faith with him. The real question I needed to ask myself was if he was worth the jump. Right now, my heart said jump. Stupid heart.
“Are we ready to go?” he snapped me out of our transfixed stare.
“Ugh, yeah. Sure. Where to?”
“I thought we could hit up this little backwoods joint in the bayou. The littlest places have the best grub. Are you okay with that?”
“I’m up for anything,” I grinned with a huge smile.
I had never, in a million years, pictured myself trekking into the dark confines of the bayou for a date. Something about the thought and consideration Lee took, pinched my heart in ways it had never been touched before. I didn’t do relationships and I certainly didn’t do dates. In light of recent events, why the hell not?
“So where are we going?” I asked.
“There is the little place in Lafitte really close to Bayou Rigolettes.”
I came to an abrupt stop as I grabbed his arm.
“Lafitte is almost an hour away. Why do I feel this is the making for a really bad horror movie? You take me an hour away from home and to the bayou no less.”
“And?”
“You’re not going to feed my body to alligators, are you?”
“You’re hilarious, you know that?” he turned to continue walking to his truck.
“You didn’t answer the question,” I smirked.
“If I wanted to feed you to alligators, I’d take you to my uncle’s place. No one would find you there,” he gave me a mischievous grin.
“Wow. The fact that I’m still willing to get into your truck right now, scares me.”
“That’s because deep down, you trust me. You know I would never do anything to put you in danger.”
“We’ll see about that,” I gave him a snide glance as I climb into the cab.
“I am going to need to have a little more encouragement coming from those lips of yours,” he smiled as he pulled the truck into traffic
“When I don’t end up dead, that’s when I’ll show a little more encouragement,” I chuckled.
“Fair enough.”
There was a slight pause in our conversation as the heat from his vents filled the void. The warm air felt like heaven on my cold cheeks. Then again, I could have been Lee that was raising the temperature in the cab.
“Did you work on your homework like I asked?” he cocked his head a little, showing me his dimple buried under the facial hair.
“I did, but I’m afraid you’ll think I’m stupid,” I said sheepishly.
“Never. Whatcha got?”
Hesitantly I drew the paper from my handbag. “2. Sit and listen to live jazz on Bourbon Street, 3. Take a carriage ride, 4. Eat a beignet at Café Du Monde and…” I hesitated.
“And…what’s the last one?”
“5. Ride on a Mardi Gras float.” I covered my mouth with my tiny hands, looking at him wide eyed. He was judging my response, thinking of the perfect answer by the looks of his expression.
“You’ve never done any of those things?” he looked surprised.
“Nope.”
“I’m a little disappointed, Kat.”
“With me?”
“How can you call yourself a true N’Orleans resident? This is unacceptable. We will need to remedy. What are you doing this weekend?”
“Like, three days from now? What if tonight sucks? Would you really want to schedule a third date before the second one has truly begun?”
“Sure, why not? You haven’t let me down this far, except for your appalling wishes. I think I can safely take my chances. What do you say?”
“Then I’m all yours, I suppose.”
“You really are trustworthy to go along with these crazy plans,” he affirmed.
“Let’s be honest, what’s the worst that could happen?” I admitted.
“True,” he joked. “I must say something though.”
“I’m terrified to ask.”
“Naw, it’s nothing bad. I promise.”
“Then, by all means,” I gave him a sweet smile.
“I just needed to tell you how gorgeous you look right now. I couldn’t go another second without telling you.”
“But I’m just wearing jeans and a sweater,” I stated confused.
“Jesus woman, do you know how to take a compliment?”
“Not… really…” I stuttered. “Compliments make me uncomfortable. Like, really uncomfortable.”
“Well, you’re going to need to get over that shit real quick. I’m going to be complimenting you a lot, so you better come up with some other responses.”
Lee gazed at me for just a moment as he smiled rays of pure joy. He seemed to know exactly what to say to make the butterflies kick up in my chest, but why? Why was he trying to start this fire within me?
“So why have you not done these things before? I must know.”
“You can’t blame me for going to college and getting a successful job. I had bigger
things on my plate then to ride on a float or….”
“Have a life?”
“Hey, that was a bit harsh,” I bellowed.
“The fact of the matter is; you don’t take time for yourself. Life is going on around you and you haven’t stopped to smell the roses. You walk by them without a second thought.
He was right. I had been aimlessly going about my life, not even giving a care that tomorrow is not promised. It’s heartbreaking, but it was reality.
“If ever there was a time to take advantage of life, it’s now. No regrets, no stone left unturned. Take advantage of what you have, while you have it.”
I turned my head to look out the now defrosted window. I wiped away a lone tear, praying he didn’t notice.
“Why doesn’t everyone think that daily, regardless if they are sick or not?”
“First of all, you are not sick. Sick insinuates you did or didn’t do something to deserve this. You did no such thing. I don’t ever want to hear that from you again.
“Secondly, some people never see the big picture until it’s too late. If there is anything positive about this disease, it’s that you know you have it and you know time is limited. So do something about it, killer!”
My heart shattered into a million pieces with Lee’s words. He was such a good person, much better than myself. A strange feeling crept into my subconscious as we continued our drive in solitude. If he was feeling half of what I’m feeling, I know I will eventually destroy him one way or another.
If anything I needed to enjoy the moment and not make any rash decision right now. Either I save us both the trouble and say goodbye or take a leap of faith that he is in this for the long haul.
My mind raced as the thumping grew louder in my ears. The rattling was so loud; I just wanted to turn down the volume to calm my nerves. My heart couldn’t take a devastating blow if Lee were to leave when things progressed. I suppose only time would tell, then again, maybe being friends would hurt less…or worse.
As we approached the restaurant, the parking lot was more of a gravel drive. The restaurant resembled a shack you’d find in the backwoods of a swamp. It had character; I loved it. The exterior was wooden, just like a cabin with a simple “Open” sign in the window.
Approaching the front steps, the wood planks creaked below our feet. Lee’s giant feet sounded like thunder itself as we made our way to the screen door. Pulling the screen door, we pushed ourselves through a second wooden door. Stepping inside, the atmosphere was a stark contrast to the chilly night outside.