by Nicole Hite
I chucked the rock at a heap of beer bottles, listening to them clang in rage.
“You know what, it does bother me I won’t have kids. It does bother me that I’m going to be such a burden to everyone around me that taking my own life feels better than to suffer for those and the ones I love the most. I’m mortified that I won’t be able to take a shower by myself or even control my own bowels. I’m petrified that one day, everyone will leave me and then I really will be alone in this. I’m scared no one will even remember me.”
I finally cracked. Every thought, emotion, sadness and grief spilled out of me like lava. Brewing in my gut, just trying to evacuate my body as quickly as possible.
“You will NEVER be alone. If it’s just Jackson, you and I at the end, that’s all that matters. Listen to me and you listen to me good, Dove. You. Will. Never. Be. Alone.”
The despair ripped through my body as I crumbled to the ground. My knees crash to the dusty earth as I pressed my hands on my thighs, gasping for a breath. Is this what he told Mel too?
“Do you know what I think about when I’m out in public, or when I meet people?” I ask with a menacing chuckled. Not amused that I was losing control right now.
“What?”
“I think this person seems nice. I wonder if they will attend my funeral, or will I be just a blip on their radar. It’s not happening to them, so why should they care? And you know what really fucking pisses me off?”
“Huh?”
“I’m so angry. I’m so very angry that pharmaceutical companies don’t take more time to research a cure or drug for ALS. Inside all those labs they are saying, “They’re terminal, why should we care?” That’s the shit that pisses me off. I matter dammit. I deserve a fighting chance. I need to believe I’m worth saving.”
“You are worth saving.”
“Leave me,” I barely muttered.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I can’t, no, I won’t let you do that. You need to live your life. Be with someone who will make you happy all the time. Someone who can give you kids. I want you to have all of that and more. Don’t you get that?”
“I get it, but I don’t care.”
“You need to get as far away from me as possible, Lee.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he insisted.
“God, dammit. Leave you stubborn son of a bitch,” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“No,” he said softly as he dropped to his knees next to me.
“Why the fuck won’t you just leave. I don’t love you. Can’t you see that?” I pounded his chest as the tears poured from my eyes.”
“That’s a lie and you know it.”
“I do, I really do. I hate your stupid paper cranes and I don’t love you. I never have. I. Don’t. Love. You.”
“Come here, baby,” he reached for me.
Even though I spit those awful lies, I didn’t mean a single word of them. I was completely and totally in love with this man.
“Let it out. Get angry. It’s okay.”
“I…I…”
“Let it all out.”
“I fucking love you so much that it’s tearing me apart,” I sobbed without remorse.
“I know you do, baby.”
“I feel like someone is ripping out my heart and smashing it to pieces.”
My tear stained cheeks were now covered with mud as the dust settled on my damp skin. Every cough, choke and sob came straight from my heart as I finally let myself fully grieve. The fact that Lee stayed there, holding me hurt even worse. Why wouldn’t he leave? If he was fighting for me now, why didn’t he fight this hard for Mel? I just don’t get it.
“Dove, look at me. You are going to push me away probably a thousand and one times, but just know that every time; I’m coming back to you.”
Lee swept away the strands of hair before they fell into the mess spread across my cheeks. Cupping my face, I could see his face was damp as well.
“You are one stubborn woman, but I love that about you. You can kick, scream, yell and call me every name in the book you want, but I’m not going anywhere. Yes, are you going to have shitty days, ya damn right, but I’ll be right by your side the whole time. Sure, most men would have left by now, but I’m not most men. Hate to break it to you, but you’re kinda stuck with me.”
“Yes, our time together is limited, but that’s not going to deter me from loving you every second of every day. I need you, just as much as you need me. Jackson needs you too.”
The mention of Jackson’s name broke me.
“How on earth do I tell a five-year-old I’m not going to be here in five years?”
“Look at me,” he raised my chin. “That’s not your job, that’s mine.”
“How is he going to deal with not only losing his mom to this disease, but me as well?”
“I had a feeling this is what this was all about.”
“So why wouldn’t you think I would be scared to death?”
“Listen, when Mel got ill, I was such a coward. I abandoned her when she needed me the most. I was a kid, Kat. I didn’t get it, hell, I didn’t even know what real, gut wrenching, love was until I met you. Seeing you so upset like this makes my stomach turn at how she must have felt. No one should go through this alone – no one. I won’t make that mistake again.”
“I was in a really horrible place, Dove. I was so mad at the world and God for doing this to someone I had loved so much. I thought I could handle it, but seeing her struggle, I suddenly felt what my mother felt when she left us - life would be better without me in it. I would only make the situation worse especially with my negative outlook on the situation. So I left.
“I didn’t even know that she was pregnant until Jackson was born. Honest to God. When Betty and Ed called me to tell me, they were ready to forfeit my rights as a parent but gave me a chance. A chance to be a better man. So, I took it. I had missed everything, Kat. The doctor’s appointments, the showers, and even the birth. How the hell will I tell him that one day? That I was too proud to help his dying mom enough to make it work?
“As soon as he was placed in my arms, I vowed never to be that man again. I couldn’t. I had a tiny person I was responsible for. I told myself I never wanted to be like my mother so this was my chance to do right by that. I don’t even think Betty and Ed have ever forgiven me for everything and why should they? I don’t deserve their forgiveness at all, but I’ll try, by God I’m going to try.
“I’m not your make good on life though. You can’t fix me to make your subconscious right with the world. That’s not how this works, Lee. Why didn’t you tell me about Mel; I would have understood or at least given you the benefit of the doubt to explain.
“I didn’t want to screw this up like I had screwed up with Mel. When we had Jackson, I was terrified. I was terrified that seeing him would only bring me heartbreak and misery. I was positive he would be better off without a merciless father in his life. Now, I can’t imagine going a day without him. Every time I look into his face, I see his mother and it crushes me. It reminds me of the man I never want to be again. That’s why I dedicate my life to him and the support groups. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, afraid, or scared like she must have been.
“You’re so much better than me…”
“I don’t know much, but I do know a few things. I know I’m no better than you are. I didn’t get a fancy education or have a respectable job, but I know life. And in life, there will be good days, there will be bad days, but then there will be great days. Am I scared, hell yeah I’m scared. Who wouldn’t be?”
“But I’m the one who’s scared the most…”
“Says who? Don’t nullify my feelings, Dove.”
“I’m dying Lee. I will die someday.”
“Look at me,” he gripped my shoulders tight. Looking deep into my eyes, I could see the pools of tears beginning to gather in his beautiful brown eyes. Those same brown eyes that reflected the mirror images of a tiny Jackson. I co
uldn’t let them both down. It would haunt me till my dying day.
“You are not dead right now. Live dammit. Live for me. Live for Jackson. Live for the people who love you most in this world. I love you dammit and I need you to fight. Don’t you dare give up on me, or push me away. I won’t let you. You can spout your bullshit about dying, but I’m right here with you, right now; a man telling a woman he loves her, so don’t you dare push me away.
“Why would you want someone like me?” I collapsed in tears against his chest.
“I don’t see a disease. I see a beautiful woman before me who, I hope, loves me and my son. A woman who has made me happier than I’ve ever been in my life. A woman who made me whole again, when I thought I wasn’t worthy enough to be loved. Can you honestly say you don’t feel the same?”
“…I…” I sobbed. “I do. I do love you so much. You’re going to need to hold my hand through this if you really and truly are going to stay. If you leave me here like Mel, that will literally kill me. I won’t recover, Lee. I’m entrusting you with my whole heart.”
“If I had any doubt in my mind that I would leave, I never would have started this. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you – that’s the one. I couldn’t wait to kiss you and once we did, I knew I would never be the same.
Did I love Mel, sure, but not the kind of love I feel when I’m with you; When you’re a kid, forced to grow up so quickly, it can scare the hell out of you and that’s exactly what happened. Orchestrating the support groups has been a huge reason I know I’ve changed.
Although Lee was pouring his heart out, my gut was pleading with me to walk away. To allow my guys to have a life they deserved – without me.
“As much as I hear what you are saying, I simply can’t. I refuse to be the one who makes you regret life and I refuse to be the reason Jackson has to grow up with someone leaving him again. I’m sorry, Lee. I am truly sorry.”
There was no changing my mind at this point. I just hope Lee can forgive me.
“I respect your wishes. It doesn’t mean I’m okay with your choice, but if that’s what you truly want…”
“Yes, it’s what I truly want.”
There were no other responses spoken, but only tears to solidify this horrible decision.
What now? How do I move on? I guess I’m going to find out what true heartbreak feels like. Stupid heart.
“Kat, come on, baby. You have got to get up. Two months is enough moping around.”
“It doesn’t feel like two months, Jo,” I said as I buried my face in my pillows.
“If you’re not willing to let him go, yes, it will feel like it was yesterday,” she rubbed my back to try and calm me down.
“Why did I do it, Jo?”
“For some reason you let them go – you love them and wanted to see them happy. It wasn’t out of hate or anger, but a good place deep inside. You can’t blame yourself for wanting the best for them.”
“Then why does it hurt so fucking bad?” I cried.
“Love, bebe. Pure and simple.”
“If I had known it was going to hurt this much, I wouldn’t have done it,” I chuckled.
“Isn’t that always the case? Our shouda, coulda, wouldas will always bite us in the ass.”
“I wonder how he’s doing, how Jackson’s doing.”
“Have you tried calling to find out?”
“I couldn’t bear it, Jo. Just hearing his voice would break me. And I’m terrified at what Betty would do if I tried to see them.”
“To be fair, that seemed pretty shitty of her to make you choose. Maybe you should go to a group meeting tonight? I can go with if you want? Moral support or an ass kicker if you need it.”
“But he’s going to be there, Jo.”
“Maybe, but you need to be around people who struggled just like you. Maybe Chris can help, you know, give you some helpful insight.”
“I can’t believe I’m letting you talk me into this,” I groaned.
Smacking my ass, “Up and at um, trooper!”
I will admit, I am a glutton for punishment. It had been nearly a two months since Lee and I had spoken at the junkyard. There was a sick and twisted part of me that needed to prove to him and myself that I didn’t need him, although, deep down I was devastated. And what better way to do that then to go to my monthly support group meeting. Glutton is right.
After our breakup at the junkyard where I asked to go our separate ways, I suppose Betty got her wish. Her consolation prize from the breakup was a very sad Daisy. I didn’t want to give her to them, but I knew it would crush Jackson if he couldn’t see her again. I couldn’t bear to see Lee at the time, so the grandparents were my last resort. Lee’s schedule was too erratic for me to leave her with him.
Handing over her things was like returning your ex boyfriends old football t-shirt. The shirt that was nice and worn in and still smelled just like him. You don’t really want to give it up, but keeping it would be too painful. I was a coward in that aspect. I boxed Lee’s things, placing them on his porch knowing damn well he wouldn’t be there. Even I was disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t risk it. And, I definitely couldn’t risk seeing Jackson.
Jackson had become a huge staple in my life. Aside from Daisy, he was the closest I’ll ever get to being a mother of sorts. That alone tore me to shreds, however Betty was right. I needed to leave him before he saw the destructive effects of this disease; he had already been through so much as is. Lee needed to be with someone who would be there for Jackson long term, and that wasn’t me.
I know Betty had good intentions by thinking of Jackson first, but a small part of me wished she hadn’t meddled in our business. Who was she to decide whether Lee had truly changed or not? That shouldn’t have been her decision to make; however, she held more clout then Lee. Considering his past, he was terrified she would take Jackson away from him for good. I would rather leave then to see that happen.
Immediately after walking into the sanctuary with Jo, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me; burning a hole into me as I made my way across the room. As we continued to make our way over to Chris, I glanced at the refreshments table. For the first time in over four months since I had been coming to meetings, there, on the table was an extra canister label, “Hot Chocolate.” Set in front of it was a fresh bag of marshmallows, cinnamon and a can of whipped cream.
I had assumed it was specifically for me until I realized that that was Lee’s favorite as well. I half expected to feel Lee at my back, whispering sweet devotions, but that didn’t happen. In fact, I didn’t see him at all. Perhaps he was sick, or even Jackson was. Oh my God, what if he turned to drinking again?
My mind began to race as I made my drink. Taking a seat next to Chris, I stared into oblivion thinking of all the horrific things that could have happened to him. Selfishly, I wanted to see him, wanted to know he was okay. Deep down, I wasn’t. I was barely keeping it together.
“Hey Chris, this is my best friend and roommate, JoJo. JoJo, the infamous Chris.”
“Nice to meet you JoJo. Killer boots, girl!”
“And I love you already, pleasure to meet you as well.”
“What’s up girl?” Chris said cheerfully. “Missed you last month.
“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great,” I lied and I hated to lie to Chris. She didn’t deserve that.
“Really? So, I guess Hot-For-Teacher was sick too. Strange coincidence, huh?” she and JoJo looked at one another with mischief.
“What?” I questioned.
“Yeah, rumor has it that some crazy bitch broke his heart. He’s been in mourning for a while.”
“I am not…”
“HA, I knew it!” she barked.
“What the fuck happened?” She asked, now unable to barely move her neck.
“Chris, I just couldn’t do it. My misery was staring me in the face and I felt it was better to let him go. I couldn’t bear to see him suffer when there is probably another amazing woman out there that can love h
im and his son and he would never have to worry about her dying in a couple years.”
“Did you ever consider that he should be the judge of that? That it wasn’t your decision to make for him?”
“See! Ha! I told you.” Jo screeched.
“Maybe I was being the selfish one who was trying not to get hurt.”
“I think you need to talk to him. He looks like he’s hurting just as much as you are, sweetheart. Guys are masters at disguising that shit,” she giggled.
“I think I burnt that bridge a long time ago. I just need to let that sleeping dog lie.”
“That’s total horseshit, Kat, and you know damn well,” said Jo.
“Suit yourself, babe. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”
“Thanks, Chris. I appreciate it. And Jo, fuck off,” I snickered.
And I did, I truly did appreciate their kindness even if it was brutally honest. I lifted my chin to meet eye-to-eye with Lee. He looked horrible, if that was even possible.
Seeing him across the room, I wanted to go back to the way things were, where he called me his little Dove. I wanted to go back to tracing his tattoo with my fingertips, as we lay naked in bed together. I wanted to kiss his stupidly perfect lips and stare into his stupidly perfect brown eyes. I wanted to melt into his embrace when things got too rough, and hear him say everything was fine because he was there. But mostly, I just wanted him.
He lifted his head to acknowledge my existence, then relaxed into his chair as if it were just another meeting. Yeah, another meeting where we talked about our impending futures instead of living them. Where Kenny would make some obscenely inappropriate sexual joke, while Barbara tried desperately to convince him to take a walk on the wild side with a cougar. Where Chris would blurt out answers like blowjobs and sex in her wheelchair, but all that was tainted now.