by Stewart, JM
He stroked his fingers over the skin of her arm, his touch light and hesitant, as if he hadn’t been able to help himself. “Why do I get the feeling you’re avoiding me?”
She drew her brows together in confusion. “You flew all the way out here for that?”
“You haven’t been answering my calls.” He shrugged, as if it were the simplest answer in the world.
The heat of guilt crept up her neck and into her cheeks. She lowered her gaze to the ground. What in the world should she tell him? That she hadn’t called simply because she’d wanted to so badly that she picked up the phone every night and sat staring at his number? That she couldn’t stop thinking about the last time she’d spoken to him? That she craved the sound of his voice and yearned for nothing more right now than to press her body along his, just to feel his solidness against her, to feel his arms close around her?
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I…I didn’t know what to say to you.”
He took the last step forward, slipped his hands onto her hips, and tugged her against him. He leaned his forehead against hers. “Don’t shut me out, Ang,” he whispered.
The powerful press of his body had her breath halting in her lungs. It felt so right to be in his arms. He was so warm, his embrace such a safe place to be. Yet at the same time, being there terrified her. What if she fell in love with him and he decided to walk away? The vows they’d said to each other hadn’t stopped David from walking away.
She’d be left to pick up the pieces all over again.
The longing in Alex’s voice called to her all the same. She lifted her gaze to his and shook her head in misery. “I don’t know if I can do this, Alex. I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Neither do I.” One hand reached up, his fingers gliding over her skin as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “Ask me if I’m ready to fall in love again. Ask me if the thought doesn’t scare the hell out of me.”
“But how can you…” Words failed her. She lowered her gaze to his chest.
“Honestly, three months ago, I would have told you this was exactly what I didn’t want. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea where this is going. I’m not sure I even want to think about it. All I know…is that I want you. I want to see where that takes me.”
Cupping her cheeks in his warm hands, he tipped her face up to his and pressed his lips to hers. He kissed her gently, softly, giving her room to object, to push him away. Not that she could.
“Tell me you don’t want me,” he whispered against her lips as he kissed her, again and again, in a series of small sips and tastes that left her trembling. “I’ll turn around and walk away.”
But she couldn’t. The words refused to leave her mouth. His heady kisses pulled all reasoning from her mind. A soft moan escaped her. Her arms wound around his neck of their own accord. Losing herself in the taste of his mouth, Angela clung to him as they carefully maneuvered the stairs. Kissing and touching, hands roaming over each other, they fumbled their way across the porch.
They made it as far as the swing. When his legs hit the edge, Alex sank down onto the wooden bench. He braced his thighs to hold it steady and pulled her down with him. She pressed into him, clinging to him as his mouth devoured hers.
Somewhere in the midst of it, his mouth moved, velvet lips trailing across her shoulder. He scraped his teeth lightly over her flesh, sent shivers racing down her spine. She shifted to straddle his thighs.
His hands slid up her legs and into her shorts, his warm palms curving around her bare bottom as he pulled her tight against him. His arousal throbbed against her aching center. Her groan mingled with his in the quiet night air.
“God I wish you were wearing a skirt,” he whispered against her skin, “I could slip into you, make love to you right here, nothing between us, just you and me, your body hot around me…”
He continued to whisper against her skin, telling her in explicit detail what he wanted. Somewhere in the background she became aware of the quiet hum of a car’s engine as it moved down the street behind her.
Reality returned like a bolt of lightning, jarring and intense. Angela tore her mouth from his, pulled back to stare at him as an avalanche of emotion collapsed on top of her. Her heart hammered. Her breathing came quick and shallow. Oh, God, what was she doing? She was making out on the front porch of her mother’s house like a horny teenager. Had she actually been wearing a skirt, she had no doubt he’d be inside her already.
Granted it was late and nobody in this neighborhood was likely up this time of night, but the soft glow of the porch light made them visible to anyone who cared to look.
Like icy fingers on warm skin, panic slithered down her spine and settled hard and cold in her stomach. She was doing it again, getting so lost in him everything else ceased to exist. She couldn’t seem to help herself. He had only to look at her, stroke his hand over her skin, and her body melted to his whim.
She should know better than this. Her relationship with David had started the same way, all hot, heavy, and needy. Yet at the same time, some part of her insisted that Alex was different, told her he would never hurt her that way.
Struggling to drag air into her oxygen-starved lungs and more confused than she knew what to do with, she slid off his lap and backed away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it go that far.”
Alex blinked, a mix of confusion and concern lighting in his eyes. “Ang? What’s the matter?”
She wrapped her arms around herself in a vain attempt to stem the sudden trembling of her limbs. “It’s just...oh God you’re such a good kisser, and it’s been so long since anybody’s made me feel the way I do when you touch me, but it was only supposed to be one night. I was prepared for that, but this…I don’t know if I’m ready for more.”
For a long moment, his gaze searched her face, brows drawn together. Several heartbeats later, something shifted within him, as if he’d found what he’d been looking for. He pushed off the swing then closed the distance between them, stroked his fingers over her chin, so tender she trembled.
“I understand that more than you know. I said vows seven years ago that I had no intention of breaking. There’s a part of me that hasn’t quite accepted the fact Karen’s gone. That part tells me I shouldn’t feel anything for you. I had no intention of this moving beyond that one night either. Frankly, you’re a surprise in my life I hadn’t counted on. But one I’d like to explore. I just…” The harsh set of his shoulders softened. “I just want to spend time with you.”
“This is moving too fast, Alex.” She shook her head, willed him to understand. “I swore when David left I would never put myself through that again. The last few years of my marriage…” She lowered her voice. “I became somebody I’m not proud of.”
Her mind filled with the memories, the heat of shame creeping up her neck and into her chest. “I changed everything for him. My beliefs, my behavior. What he wanted, I gave him. Until I become someone else entirely. Someone weak, all in a desperate attempt to save a sinking marriage.”
She’d changed herself for a man who’d decided in the end he didn’t want her at all.
“He shredded my self esteem, made me doubt myself as a woman. But I finally crawled out of that awful hole. I’m a stronger person for it now. I can’t deny that I want you, Alex, but I don’t know if I’m willing to risk going back there again.”
“I’m not David, Ang.” He gave a sad, slow shake his head, his dejected tone wrenching at the knot forming in her stomach. “Let me make my own mistakes.”
Deep down, she knew he was right. She was judging him by unfair standards when so far, he’d done nothing but prove himself trustworthy. Even knowing he’d never hurt her intentionally, she couldn’t shake the choking fear.
She turned to the railing and stared out into the darkness beyond, at the stars twinkling in the blackened sky. “When I met you, I only wanted one night. You were a fantasy and I wanted to live in one night of it. That’s what Candy is for m
e, a brilliant fantasy where I get to be someone else. Someone strong who doesn’t care what the world thinks of her, who isn’t afraid to stand in her own sexuality.” She sighed, lowered her voice. “I hadn’t counted on you finding out who I was. Or getting pregnant. Suddenly this is all…”
“Spinning wildly out of control?” he said, suddenly behind her.
Surprised he seemed to understand how she felt, she turned to face him, stared at the dark shape of his face. “Yes.”
“You’re not alone in that feeling. I honestly can’t think beyond tomorrow at this point. I’m only just starting to put the pieces together. I’ve told you that. But being with you…” His head tipped downward as he took one of her hands in his, his thumb sweeping across her knuckles. “Being with you makes me feel more alive than I’ve felt since Karen and Hailey died. I can’t turn my back on that.”
He lifted his head. Despite that she couldn’t see his eyes, his gaze captured her.
“I’ll go, but only because you asked me to. Not because I want to. I meant what I said, though, Ang. I will be here with you as much as I can. Every doctor’s appointment, every Lamaze class, all of it. I can’t cancel my court dates, but when I can, I’m going to be here. He walked out on you. I’m not going to. We’re in this”—he put a hand to her stomach, emphasizing his point—“together.”
For the second time that night, he cupped her face in his warm palms, this time merely touching her, as if he couldn’t resist connecting them. “I know you’re scared. So am I. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Or push you. All I’m asking is that you give me a chance.” He kissed her cheek, his lips lingering on her skin, then turned and quietly left, leaving her standing alone on the front porch.
****
“But am I doing the right thing?” Angela let out a heavy sigh as she stared down at her cup, watching the last bit of her tea swirl in the bottom.
The following Saturday, she and Stacy sat at a table at a local burger joint, watching Stacy’s four-year-old son, Lucas, play on the jungle gym with the other kids. They met for coffee often, to chat and catch up. When her best friend had called this morning, Angela hadn’t been able to resist.
She couldn’t stop rehashing the last conversation she’d had with Alex. It had been a week since she’d last seen him. He called her every day, at six o’clock precisely. On the weekdays, her time at the office ended at five. On the weekends, she slept late, but her shift at the Diamond didn’t start until eight. So Alex had taken to calling her after dinner, her time.
Their conversations remained neutral, usually revolving around their days, but had become wonderfully comfortable. She found talking to him easy, like she’d done it every day for years. He listened, made her laugh. Twice he’d admitted he missed her, but otherwise, he hadn’t pushed. He’d been more patient than she’d expected, so that she began to look forward to those phone calls.
Solid court dates had kept him from coming out to see her though. She didn’t know how she felt about that. While she yearned to see him, she was grateful for the time to get used to his role in her life.
When she’d agreed to lunch today, she hadn’t intended to lay her problems on poor Stacy, but her best friend had taken one look at her and demanded she spill everything.
Out the corner of her eye, Angela saw Stacy shake her head. “Girl, are you crazy? You’ve told the man you’re pregnant and he’s running at you, not away. Do you know how many women I work with who have to drag the fathers to court to get them pay child support? Sweetie, I’d grab that man with both hands. Men like him are rare.”
Angela lifted her head. “I know, but I don’t want to get hurt again.”
Stacy blew out a heavy breath and turned her gaze to the small, brightly colored jungle gym that sat in the middle of the room. Kids ran screaming in all directions, running up stairs, slipping down slides, chasing each other around the base.
“Well, I can’t say I blame you there, sweetie. I like to flirt, you know that. Makes me feel like I’m still a woman, but that’s where it ends for me. Every man I’ve ever known walked out on me. I don’t trust them as far as I can throw ’em. But I have Lucas to think about now. I can’t get all caught up in things like lust anymore. I can’t afford it. Lucas could get hurt.”
Angela took Stacy’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Stacy had been through hell. Her father had walked out on her and her mother when she was ten, and the father of her child had done the same thing. Stacy knew as well as Angela did that life didn’t always work the way you wanted it to.
Stacy turned to look at her, pinning her with a somber gaze. “You have a man who’s told you he wants to be a father to those babies, Ang. Who wants to spend time with you. That’s something, hon.” She raised her brows over her coffee cup as she lifted it to her lips. “I’m telling you that man’s a keeper.”
Angela turned to watch Lucas chase a blonde girl around the base of the jungle gym, his small face lit up with joy. Not too long from now, that would be her children running around the playland.
She sighed, plunked her chin in her hand. “I know you’re right. Alex is a good man. I think he’ll make a good father. But I don’t know if I’m ready to put my heart on the line yet.”
“Honey, who says you have to? Answer me this. Do you like him?”
She glanced over at Stacy, who stared at her, a somber look in her eye. She bit her lip, hesitated, then nodded. “That’s what scares me. I like him too much. My track record with men isn’t so hot.”
Stacy shook her head. “Me either, sweetie.” She placed a hand over Angela’s, where it rested at the table. “What do you want, hon?”
It took her all of three seconds for the answer to pop into her mind. A fierce blush crept up her neck and into her cheeks. “My mother asked me the same thing when I told her about the babies the other day.” That night with Alex on the front porch, she’d gone into the house to find her mother already awake. She hadn’t been able to resist the urge to tell her mother everything, the way she always had.
Stacy squeezed her hand. “Then spend time with him. Who says it has to be about forever? Truth is, you’re going to be parents. You’re going to have to get used to being around him anyway. Give yourself time to figure things out. If he’s not rushing you, don’t rush yourself. Eventually, your heart will make the decision for you.”
More than curious to know how her take-no-prisoners best friend would respond, Angela looked over at Stacy and quirked a brow in playful challenge. “Would you?”
Stacy’s brows rose. “Are you kidding? The man’s got a job. He’s a lawyer, for crying out loud, which means not only is he smart but he makes good money. To top it off, he knows you’re pregnant and isn’t afraid.” A wide grin eased across Stacy’s face as she peered at her over her coffee cup and snapped a finger. “Honey, I’d snatch him up in a heartbeat.”
Angela giggled.
Stacy leaned back in her chair, her gaze sobering. “Call him, sweetie. Invite him to your next prenatal appointment.”
****
Angela’s hands trembled as she punched the numbers into her phone. The kitchen around her was quiet, only the ticking of the clock above the stove filling the silence. Her mother had gone out to the store to pick up items for dinner, leaving her alone in the house. The silence echoed around her, too quiet. All she could hear, all she could focus on, was the fierce throbbing of her pulse.
It wasn’t the first time she’d dialed Alex’s number. Wasn’t the first time she’d spoken to him over the phone. While she yearned to hear the simple sound of his voice, her stomach twisted itself into a giant tangled knot at what she was about to do.
She couldn’t help thinking Stacy was right, though. She needed to give herself time to figure out what she wanted from him. How she felt about him.
She knew darn well he deserved the chance to prove he wasn’t like David. He was right. It was unfair to judge him by someone else’s standards. David had done that to her befor
e he left. She’d forever come up short. She hated knowing she was now doing the same thing to Alex.
The only way to know was to put herself out there, to take that step forward and… spend time with him. It could be as simple as him coming to this doctor’s appointment with her.
As the phone began to ring, she squeezed her eyes shut, struggling to breathe through the tide of emotions that suddenly swamped her. Fear, nervousness, joy.
You can do this, she told herself. You can do this.
Three rings later he picked up. “Hello, Angela.”
The rich, smooth sound of his voice, the way her name rolled off his tongue, lit a fire in her belly. Some part of her sighed in relief.
Nerves quickly overwhelmed her, every part of her suddenly shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. In that moment, she felt like that fifteen-year-old girl all over again, with a crush on her older brother’s best friend. The woman her ex-husband had walked out on.
Nerdy little Angie.
No. She wasn’t that woman anymore, and Alex wasn’t David.
She swallowed hard, sat up straight in her chair. “Hi.”
“I wasn’t expecting to talk to you until tonight. Is everything okay?”
How was it he always sounded so relaxed while she felt like she was coming apart at the seams? Was his heart pounding like hers? Wasn’t he nervous at all? She was tempted to ask him, just to hear him say it.
She settled back in the seat, rested her head against the wall behind her, and closed her eyes. She was inviting him to a doctor’s appointment, that’s all. He was the father of her babies. He deserved the chance to be the father they needed. It wasn’t anymore complicated than that.
“Everything’s fine.” She opened her eyes, forced her mind to focus. “Actually, I called to ask you something.”
“Okay.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Why was this so hard? “I, um, I have a prenatal appointment coming up soon. In…in two weeks. I thought you might like to know.”