by Lisa Ireland
Even though both she and Cam had agreed that it was important to have one parent at home during a child’s formative years, she had sometimes wondered if her lack of ambition to be anything other than a homemaker was some sort of failing, especially seeing as she was mother to a single child.
Not that they’d planned it that way. Both she and Cam had wanted a big family. He’d thought three would be lovely but Libby thought an even number would be better, so they’d settled on four. But it wasn’t to be. Despite years of trying and two unsuccessful – and expensive – rounds of IVF, she’d never fallen pregnant again after Harry. She figured if she was only going to get one chance at motherhood she had better get it right, and she’d poured her heart and soul into parenting and to making a beautiful home for their little family. She hadn’t felt guilty about that. But once Harry started primary school she’d always felt awkward, defensive even, when others asked her what she did. She felt like there was some sort of unspoken inference that she was letting the team – the sisterhood or whatever – down by not working outside the home. But here in Arcadia Lakes no one seemed to find her lack of a job troublesome, which came as a blessed relief.
Being school holidays at the moment, her days were leisurely; sometimes she didn’t even wake up until after eight am – with Cam gone and Harry sleeping late there was no rush to get out of bed. Despite her complaints to Kit she was actually looking forward to attending her first book club meeting this week. Yes, she’d joked about the women here being Real Housewives, but so far they’d been nothing but kind to her. Really, discriminating against them as a group was unfair. She wouldn’t do it to any other group of people, and just because these women were all wealthy didn’t mean she could lump all of them together as one and the same.
This move to Melbourne was working out way better than she’d dared to hope. Harry seemed happy enough. School was yet to start, so there was still a worry at the back of her mind (and probably Harry’s too) that he wouldn’t fit in, but at the moment he was occupying his time with swimming, chatting with his friends on social media and trawling animal adoption sites in search of the perfect dog. She was enjoying the company of her new acquaintances more than she’d first imagined she would, and she was loving being so close to Kit. She hadn’t seen much of her parents yet, but there was plenty of time to change that situation. Right now she was revelling in the luxury of all this free time. Her days had started to fall into a sort of sleepy holiday rhythm – sleeping late, enjoying a leisurely coffee before heading out on a morning walk. She took her sketchbook with her and stopped at a different spot on the track around the lake each day so she could record what she saw. In the afternoons she read by the pool while Harry swam and splashed about. On a couple of occasions she’d managed to get him to agree to an outing. Last week they’d gone to the city together. She’d bribed him into accompanying her to the NGV’s Ian Potter Centre and the ACMI museum at Federation Square by promising him they could go home via a pop culture shop in Elizabeth Street that he’d been nagging her to take him to. She was slightly disappointed – although not surprised – that the Ian Potter gallery hadn’t been a hit, but he’d loved ACMI as much as she’d thought he would.
Cam was thriving in his new position, too. Right now she hoped her husband was sufficiently happy not to begrudge her this overseas trip, otherwise Kit would be disappointed. And Libby too. Ever since Kit had suggested the trip she’d spent her time daydreaming about being back in Paris – shopping, eating, drinking champagne. She was so excited she felt like a little kid counting down the weeks to Christmas.
‘So,’ she said, stirring her coffee, ‘you and Kit seemed to be getting along pretty well on Christmas Day.’
Cam shrugged. ‘I like Kit.’
Libby raised her eyebrows, but she smiled at him. ‘That’s a bit of a turnaround, isn’t it? Come on, Cam, you can admit it. I know she’s not your favourite person.’
‘It’s not that I don’t like her, Lib. She’s a nice person, she’s good to Harry and she cares about you, so they’re all pluses. And I know you love her, so she’s got that going for her, but sometimes . . .’
‘What?’
‘I dunno. You two are a pretty tight-knit unit. As she loves to point out, she’s known you longer than I have. Sometimes when you’re together I feel like the third wheel, that’s all.’ He picked up his coffee and took a sip. Libby knew that this admission had embarrassed him. Cam hated to look needy.
‘I get that,’ she said. ‘I’m sure Kit doesn’t mean to exclude you, but I can see how sometimes our conversations go in a direction that’s hard for you to be part of.’
‘It wouldn’t be so bad if she had a partner, you know? But when it’s just the three of us, I feel like you guys would rather be left alone. But when I leave you alone, you complain that Kit thinks I’m avoiding her.’ He smiled wryly. ‘Seems a bloke can’t win with you two.’
Libby nodded. ‘Kit’s never been the type to be in a committed relationship, so I don’t think we should hold our breath hoping for that to happen. She’s more a love ’em and leave ’em kind of gal.’
Cam nodded. ‘Yeah, I know. I just meant that it’s awkward with the three of us. But just because I don’t want to sit around listening to tales of that time you all got drunk way back in university doesn’t mean I don’t like Kit or don’t want you to see her. Now that you two are in the same city, hopefully it’ll be easier for you to spend time together without me, and maybe that will make Kit less territorial about you when we are all together.’
Libby put down her coffee cup. ‘Funny you should say that.’
‘Oh yeah? Why?’
‘Kit and I have been discussing a way we can have some quality one-on-one time this year.’
He looked relieved. ‘That’s great. What’s your plan?’
‘Well, you know we both turn forty this year? Kit and I were thinking it might be fun to do something special together, just the two of us.’
‘Girls’ weekend away, huh? Sounds like a plan.’
‘You’re warm. We were thinking a bit more than a weekend though.’
He leaned back in his chair. ‘So what are we talking about here, three or four days away? It might be a bit tricky with the hours I’m working, babe, but what the heck? Harry’s getting older. He can help out. I’m sure we’ll manage for a few days without you.’
‘Actually, Cam, we want to take a holiday together. Relive our youth a little.’
‘A holiday? Where?’
She dropped her gaze. ‘We were thinking Paris.’
‘Paris? Lib, you can’t be serious!’
A jolt of anger flashed through her. No wonder things had been great between Cam and her this past month or so. He was getting everything he wanted. Now that she wanted something the pendulum was swinging back the other way. ‘Shh,’ she said, struggling to keep her tone even. ‘There’s no need to raise your voice like that. I’m sure we don’t want the whole world knowing our business.’
He sighed. ‘Sorry. It’s just this is a bit out of the blue, isn’t it? I’m really not sure what I think about you taking off overseas without Harry and me. It’s been years since we’ve had an overseas holiday as a family. And you and I have never taken a trip like that together.’
His feelings were hurt, but if she said no to Kit then she’d be upset. This tug-of-war between Cam and Kit was exhausting. ‘I know, babe, and believe me there’s nothing more I’d like than to take a romantic trip away with you, but we can’t just leave Harry to fend for himself.’
‘Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I kind of wanted to make it a surprise but since you raised the topic . . . There’s a building and construction conference coming up in March. It’s being held in Kuala Lumpur and Richard wants me – well, us – to go. I mean, I have to go. The whole executive team is expected to attend. As well as the conference we’ll be doi
ng some team-building stuff, setting goals for the next few years, that sort of thing. Apparently they do something like this annually and everyone takes their partner.’
Libby shook her head. The idea of going on holidays with the Ladies Auxiliary – as Kit had taken to calling them – wasn’t her idea of an ideal romantic getaway. ‘What about Harry?’
‘We’ve got a few options. The company will pay for him to come too if we like. Apparently some of the families with younger children bring them.’
‘Is it during school holidays?’
Cam shook his head. ‘No. It’s in the middle of first term.’
‘Well I don’t think that’s a good idea. Did you read all that enrolment stuff from the school? We need permission to take him out and they frown upon family holidays during the term. I don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with the principal. And besides, Harry will still be settling in. I don’t think it’s helpful to let him have time off unless it’s for a very good reason.’
‘Yeah, I thought you might say that, so I’ve investigated some other options. We could hire a nanny to come and stay here –’
She put her hand up and gestured for him to stop speaking. ‘Absolutely not. There’s no way I’m leaving my child in the care of someone I don’t know, especially when I won’t even be in the same country. What if something went wrong?’
Cam sighed. ‘Okay, what about your parents then? Your dad is always going on about how he’d love to spend more time with Harry.’
Libby winced. ‘I don’t know, Cam. It’s a lot of work for Mum and Dad when they’re not used to having a teenager in the house. And you know how Mum can be when she’s stressed. I’m not sure Harry would enjoy staying with them, and how would he get to school?’
‘Maybe they could come and stay here.’
‘Even if they agreed to that – and I can’t imagine they would, Mum hates to be put out of her “routine” – I’d really rather not have Mum here while we’re away. Can’t you just see her, snooping through all our stuff, and rearranging everything to her own liking?’
‘Well, surely there’s something we could do. Maybe he could be a temporary boarder.’
Libby’s heart was pounding in her chest. It was one thing to leave Harry in Cam’s care while she went away, but leaving him without either of his parents wasn’t something she was prepared to consider. What if something went wrong? What if the plane went down? She couldn’t think of anything more heartbreaking than her boy being left an orphan. ‘I’m not sure the school offers that option, Cam.’
He laid his palms flat on the table and began to drum his fingers. Clearly he was frustrated. ‘Come on, Lib, work with me here. Things have been pretty good between us lately, haven’t they? I was hoping that we could use this opportunity to focus on us. You know, ever since we’ve had Harry our lives have pretty much revolved around him. I guess that was inevitable when he was little, but he’s growing up now, and I feel like it’s time for us to get to know each other again – you know, as a couple.’ He reached his hand out and laid it over hers. ‘I know this is a work thing, but we’ll have a lot of free time – Accola is big on the whole life balance thing, at least in theory, so we’ll have time to relax together. And besides, it’ll be a great way for you to bond with the other wives.’
Her heart sank. He wasn’t going to give up on this easily. ‘It’s just we’ve never left Harry before.’
‘He’s not a baby anymore. You are going to have to learn to let go, Libby, for his own good. You’re smothering the boy. And let me tell you, if you don’t start giving him some breathing space he’s going to end up pushing back. Unless you want a rebellious teenager on your hands I suggest you back off a little.’
Libby bit her lip in an attempt to quell the angry tears that were building in her eyes. She’d tried so hard to be the perfect wife and mother. She’d always thought that even if others looked down their noses at the choice she’d made, at least Cam was appreciative of her efforts. Now suddenly her parenting was over-the-top and she was suffocating her child. ‘I only want what’s best for him. I thought we were on the same page about all of this. We always said we didn’t want to be the type of parents who weren’t involved in their kids’ lives. Kids are not ornaments, Cam. Harry needs us to be active participants in his life.’
‘Of course he does, but he’s not two and he doesn’t need to be swaddled in cotton wool. Sometimes I wonder if all this “active parenting” you go on about has less to do with Harry and more to do with . . .’
‘What? Go on, say it. More to do with me. Is that what you really think of me? That I’m one of those stupid helicopter mums whose world revolves around her child?’
‘Lib, please . . .’ Cam’s voice was tender. ‘Of course I don’t think you’re stupid. You’re a wonderful mother. And the fact that Harry’s such a great kid is proof of that. I’m just saying that we’re moving into a new phase of our lives. All of us, Harry included. It’s going to take some adjusting, but I think it’s time for you to start getting used to the fact that Harry is not going to need us in the same ways he did when he was younger. I think that’s a positive thing. It’s a chance for you, for us, to explore other parts of our lives.’
‘So now that Harry doesn’t need me as much I’m supposed to switch off that part of my life? I’ve spent the last thirteen years being a full-time mother, and that has suited you just fine. Now all of sudden you’ve decided that’s not necessary anymore, but instead of you being happy for me to spend some time doing something for myself, you’ve decided that my life should be all about you.’
‘Jesus. There’s no winning with you. I thought that this trip to Malaysia would make you happy. You’re always saying we should spend more time together as a couple, but now there’s a perfect opportunity for that to happen, you’re not interested.’ He was whispering but there was no concealing the fury in his voice.
‘I didn’t say that. All I meant was I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to want to leave my child with a stranger, or someone unsuitable, when there’s no compelling reason for me to go.’
‘I thought the fact that your husband wanted to spend some time with you might be reason enough, but obviously I was mistaken. I mean seriously, Libby, when you want to go to Paris with your best friend, it’s fine to leave Harry to fend for himself, but when I ask you to spend some time away with me, all of a sudden you can’t bear to leave him.’
There was genuine hurt in his eyes and Libby’s conscience pricked with guilt. He was clearly trying to find ways to improve their relationship, so even if this wasn’t the best idea, the least she could do was show him she appreciated the effort. ‘Of course it would be great to spend time with you. And despite what you think, I’m not making up my concern about Harry. I don’t want to leave him with someone I don’t know, or someone who will make him miserable. Obviously I’m not worried about leaving him with you, you’re his father. If there was someone else I thought he’d be happy to spend the time with, I’d willingly go,’ she lied.
‘What about Kit? She’s always saying how she loves spending time with Harry and I’m sure the feeling’s mutual.’
‘I don’t think that would work. I mean, she has a job to go to.’
‘And Harry’s at school all day.’
‘But how would he get to school from Kit’s place?’
‘Claybourne is a big school with kids from all over Melbourne. I’m sure there are other kids in Yarraville who go there. There must be transport options. Anyway, Kit might like to stay here if you ask her. We have a guest room and it might be easier for her because all Harry’s things are here.’
‘She might not want to travel the extra distance to work, though. And there’s her cat to think of.’
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Libby, now you’re just being deliberately difficult. Maybe Kit won’t want to do it, but can you at least do me the courte
sy of asking her? Or do I need to ask her myself?’
‘Of course not. I’ll do it. But she’ll want me to give her an answer about Paris too. We never finished discussing that.’
Cam flashed her one of his most charming smiles. ‘Tell you what, you convince Kit to take care of Harry so we can both go to KL and I promise you I’ll give my blessing to the Paris trip. Deal?’
Leaving Harry in Kit’s care wouldn’t completely erase her fears; there was still the whole ‘what if we die in a plane crash and leave him an orphan?’ scenario to contend with. But this did seem like a solution that would make everyone happy. Libby held out her hand to shake Cam’s. ‘Deal,’ she said with a smile.
Cam grinned back at her and as he did all the tension left her body. Cam was right, it would be nice to spend time away together, and if that was what it took to get her trip to Paris with Kit, it wasn’t really a high price to pay. Kit loved Harry and would look after him properly. Libby was sure of it. Well, ninety-nine per cent sure. Kit would do her best. There was no doubting that.
Autumn
Chapter 11
March, 1992
Libby’s gaze drifted from the blackboard to the narrow window just below the ceiling, where a patch of bright blue sky was broken up by white cottonwool clouds. Geography was so boring. Mrs Campbell never did anything interesting. Kit had Mr Pierce, who was supposedly lots of fun. He often took his classes outside to create maps or collect plants, and Kit said one lesson had been spent lying on her back on the oval looking at the different types of clouds. Libby had no idea what that had to do with geography but it had to be better than copying blackboard after blackboard of notes about arid regions, as Mrs Campbell expected her students to do.