by Lisa Ireland
Kit’s mouth tightened and her brow furrowed, but she didn’t speak immediately. The tense silence between them seemed to last forever and Libby searched her brain for something else to say, the perfect words that would return the easiness of only moments ago. But no words came. Eventually Kit responded. ‘You don’t trust Cam to manage any issues while you’re away?’
Libby sighed. ‘Look, I know it’s not politically correct to say so, but no. Cam never sees any problems with Harry. He thinks all the fuss at Claybourne was a major overreaction. Of course he’s happy enough with how things turned out, but that’s part of the problem, I guess. He thinks everything is fine and dandy now. I can’t trust that he’ll pick up on any problems while I’m away.’
Kit’s expression softened and she nodded. ‘Do you really think it’s necessary for you to give up our trip though? It’s not like we were going to be away for months. Especially seeing Harry’s away at school during the week.’
‘I’m sorry, but I really think I need to make Harry my priority for the next few months.’
‘As opposed to what?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘When didn’t you make Harry your first priority? Honestly, Lib, no one could ever accuse you of being a neglectful mother. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes, you know.’
‘Yeah, I know, but not right now, Kit, I’m sorry.’
Kit’s cheeks were flushed. ‘I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but you have to do what you think is right for your family.’
‘I’m sorry. I really am. Will you go anyway?’
Kit shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe not. Perhaps I’ll save the holiday leave for a trip at Christmas time.’
The comment was designed to give Libby pause, to make her realise how much she was putting at risk with this decision. Kit taking a trip at Christmas time meant an end to their tradition of being together at that time of year. She was letting Libby know that her refusal to go with Kit might change their friendship forever. But no matter what the consequence, Harry had to come first. She wouldn’t fall for the emotional blackmail. ‘If that’s what you choose to do, I’ll understand.’
The silence returned. Fuck. How had it got to this? Just moments ago she’d been thinking things had returned to normal between them, but Kit’s reaction showed just how tenuous their friendship was becoming.
‘Look, I know it’s disappointing – for me as well as you, by the way. I was really looking forward to us spending that time together. And just because it can’t happen right now doesn’t mean the end of the idea. I’m not saying I don’t want to go, just that I can’t go right now.’
Kit nodded. ‘Fair enough.’ Her words were reasonable but her face gave away her hurt.
No matter what Libby said, Kit was interpreting this as a rejection of their friendship. Libby knew she’d have to offer some sort of gesture to make things right. ‘Seeing as the trip is off the table, that leaves us with a new dilemma,’ she said.
‘What’s that?’
‘The trip was to celebrate our birthdays. Just because we’re not going away doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate. We should do something else. Got any ideas?’
Kit drained the last of the coffee from her mug and sat it back on the table with a sigh. ‘No.’ She looked up at Libby. ‘We really don’t have to have a joint celebration. The trip was only an idea. Let’s just forget the whole thing.’
Libby shook her head vigorously. ‘Uh-uh. No way. I’m not forgetting about it. In fact, I have a great idea. Why don’t we have a big party?’
Kit grimaced. ‘I don’t know. That sounds like a lot of work to me. I’ve never been a fan of holding my own birthday party. Parties are never enjoyable for the host. The last party I held I spent the whole night in the kitchen, and the next day cleaning up the mess.’
‘But that’s the beauty of this,’ Libby said, thinking on her feet. ‘We could hold it at my place. That big entertaining area is perfect for a party. Felicity owns a catering company and I’m sure she’d be happy to help us organise it. You wouldn’t have to do any work at all – just turn up. And we’ll hire cleaners to come in the following day. There. All sorted.’
‘Sounds pricey.’
Libby shook her head. ‘Felicity will give us mates’ rates, I’m sure. And I’ll tell Cam he’s responsible for the cleaning because it’s my birthday, after all. Either he’ll do all the cleaning or he’ll pay someone else to do it. Either way, it won’t be your responsibility.’
Kit chewed her lip, the way she did when she was mulling over a problem. ‘Who would we invite?’
‘Whoever we want. You said it yourself, the house is huge. We have room for a hundred people. Invite all your friends, your workmates, and I’ll invite all of Cam’s workmates and their wives, and my friends from Sydney.’ Not that she’d heard much from the Sydney crew lately, Libby mused. Still, inviting them to the party might be a good way to reconnect. That thought gave her another idea. ‘Oh, and we can invite some of our old friends from school if you like. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Rochelle, even Liam maybe. You won’t believe this, but remember Melanie and Tanya from primary school? I’m in touch with both of them on Facebook. We chat quite a bit, actually. I’d love to see them again and talk about old times, wouldn’t you?’ The bit about talking to Melanie and Tanya on Facebook was slightly overstated – while they were Facebook ‘friends’ and occasionally liked each other’s posts or made the odd comment, they didn’t exactly chat – but Libby could fix that easily enough. Or she could just say they couldn’t make it. Right now her focus was on getting Kit to agree to the party. It would give them a joint project, something to work on together, and right now she figured that could only be a good thing.
A smile began to twitch at the corners of Kit’s lips. ‘So it would be a fifty-fifty thing? I can invite whoever I want?’
‘Of course.’
‘And I get a say in things? I won’t be bulldozed into having some princess or unicorn theme or whatever is trendy among the beautiful people these days?’
Libby put her hand on her heart. ‘I promise.’
‘And no ice sculptures?’
‘Scout’s honour.’
A wide smile stretched across Kit’s face. ‘Okay, I give in. I’ll probably regret this at some point, but what the hell? Let’s do this.’
Libby clapped her hands. ‘You won’t regret it. I promise.’
Winter
Chapter 21
June, 2000
Two pink lines. Kit stared at the little window on the plastic stick for a moment before fishing its packaging out of the bin and reading the instructions yet again.
The test was positive. The chances of the result being false were slim considering this was the second stick she’d peed on this morning, but to be sure she pulled a third test from the plastic shopping bag she’d left by the sink and poured herself a large glass of water from the bathroom tap.
Fifteen minutes later she conceded defeat. Three tests – all different brands – showing a positive result: pregnant. And to be honest she’d known for a few weeks now. She’d tried not to be fazed by the skipped period last month, reasoning that it happened to many travellers. Her life had been anything but routine these past months, so with all she had going on, one skipped period didn’t seem so out of the ordinary. But then her boobs had begun to hurt like crazy. Some days her nipples were so sensitive putting her bra on was agony. She’d lost her taste for coffee completely, and yesterday the sight and smell of the full English breakfast she was supposed to deliver to table seven had made her retch, and she’d had to make a run for the bathroom. She’d mumbled an excuse about a dodgy curry to the cook, who’d told her to go home and rest. She’d detoured via Boots on the high street and picked up the pregnancy tests then, but it’d taken until this morning for her to get up the courage to actually use them.
&nbs
p; And now here she was.
She had no idea what to do. There was no one here she could tell. She had plenty of mates here, people she could call on to go out drinking, fellow travellers mainly, and the people she worked with at the pub were always good for a laugh. But there was no one she really trusted. She checked her watch and did a mental calculation of the time in Melbourne. It was eight pm. She couldn’t risk ringing Libby at home, because Jude would be the most likely candidate to answer at this time of night. Kit wasn’t sure she was ready to have any sort of conversation with her mother about her current predicament, and she was afraid Jude would instinctively know something was wrong the moment she heard her voice.
That was the freaking problem with your best friend living with your mum – it was pretty hard to have a private conversation. Being the middle of the week, Libby was more than likely sitting in front of her computer studying and hopefully would see an email if Kit sent one soon.
She bundled up the pregnancy tests and their wrappers, put them back in the plastic shopping bag and threw the whole bundle in the bin. There was no need to conceal the evidence from her housemates. No one she lived with would give a flying fuck about her being pregnant, just as long as it didn’t interfere with her paying her share of the rent on time. She pulled on a cardigan – apparently it was summer here but it didn’t bloody feel like it – and headed out the door. There was an internet café on the high street and if she was quick she might get through to Libby before she turned off her computer for the night.
Dear Libby,
I’m picturing you sitting at your desk studying and for once I hope that I’m not wrong about that. I’ve got news that I can’t risk Jude overhearing.
I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I’m pregnant.
Fuck! Writing it down like that has just made it real. I have no fucking clue what to do. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know if I want to keep it. Well, I don’t want to be pregnant so I guess I don’t want to keep it, but I don’t know if I can go through with an abortion. Christ, I don’t even know how to go about getting an abortion over here. Maybe I should go back home?
Honestly, though, Lib, I don’t want to. I’ve spent all winter working and saving so I could travel in the summer. Now that time’s here I don’t want to have to pack up and come home. And what would I tell Mum?
I’m so sorry to dump all this on you, but I really don’t know what to do, and there’s just no one here I can talk to.
I’m going to sit here for the next hour or so in the hope that you will read this and get back to me.
Kit x
Thirty minutes and approximately twenty-seven webmail refreshes later Libby’s response landed in her inbox. Kit’s heart hammered in her chest as she opened up her friend’s reply. Surely Libby would have some kind words for her and some sensible advice.
Darling Kit,
You poor thing. You sound so worried and alone. I so wish I was there to give you a hug. Before we go any further I think I need to ask you some questions. How far along are you? What about the father? Are you still seeing him? Would he be any help? Are you sure you don’t want to keep the baby? (No judgement, but once you’ve had the abortion there’ll be no going back.) If you email me back your answers I can do some research for you tomorrow when I’m at uni. I can go to the student welfare centre and see what I can find out, although the information will be specific to Australia, but maybe someone in the medical centre will have some ideas of what you should do. I’m so sorry you’re facing this alone, Kit. If I had the money I’d buy myself a ticket to London tonight.
I’ll wait up for your reply.
Love always, Libby xxx
Libby posed some excellent questions. Ones Kit wasn’t so sure she could answer.
Hi Lib,
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Thanks for offering to do a bit of research too. I honestly don’t know where to start. I have no idea how far along I am. My period has been a bit erratic these past few months – I skipped the last one, but the one before was a bit of a non-event and now I’m wondering if it was really a period, or just a bit of early pregnancy spotting. So, I could be six weeks, or ten weeks, or, oh fuck, even more. I don’t want to think about that scenario quite frankly. As far as the sperm donor is concerned, there are two candidates: one’s a farm boy from the US of A – I’m rooting for him, because frankly he’s the least complicated option – and the other is Michael (the barman I’ve had a bit of an on again, off again thing with for a few months now). If it turns out to be farm boy, I have no way of contacting him, I don’t even know his last name, so that makes life simple in a way. If it’s Michael, well, that’s another story. I would feel obligated to tell him. I know it’s my body and my decision, but I think I owe him a heads-up at least. What do you think?
My internet access is running out. I can only afford another fifteen minutes so answer quickly if you possibly can.
Kit x
Libby had obviously been sitting at her computer waiting for a reply. It only took a few minutes for her next missive to hit Kit’s inbox.
Hey Kit,
I’ll make this brief. Get yourself to a doctor and get a blood test to date the pregnancy. Your options will depend on how far along you are. The sooner you know that information, the sooner you can start making some informed decisions. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that if you are ten weeks along or more, you don’t have any time to waste.
You can call me any morning this week. Your mum is on day shift and will be gone by seven. I’m studying for an exam, which is on Friday, so I haven’t got classes this week. After Friday I’m on holidays for a few weeks, so it should be easy enough for us to communicate without Jude finding out. We’ll need to make sure we schedule our calls though, to be sure.
Try not to worry too much. I know this seems bad right now, but there will be a solution. I’m here for you anytime you need me.
Love always,
Libby xox
*
Libby spent the next few days stalking her inbox and waiting by the phone for Kit to call. The first call had been awful. Kit had sobbed so hard she could barely understand her, which had thrown Libby a bit. The whole time they’d been friends Kit had been the strong one. Libby could barely remember an occasion when she’d cried. At her grandfather’s funeral perhaps and . . . nope, she couldn’t come up with another time. So to hear her sobbing on the other end of the line was awful. Libby felt completely helpless. And it seemed with each call the news got worse. She was indeed just over ten weeks pregnant, which meant that if she wanted to terminate the pregnancy she had barely any time to make up her mind. This morning they’d talked about the next steps. Kit wasn’t crying anymore but Libby could hear the fear in her voice. She tried to make herself seem calm and reasonable, as if they were discussing having a car repaired or some other inconvenience. Kit didn’t need to know that she was worried sick too.
Apparently the father – the barman, as it turned out – was not supportive in any way, leaving Kit to make this decision on her own. Right now she was leaning heavily towards having the pregnancy terminated. Libby suggested now would be a good time to talk to Jude about what was going on, but Kit was adamant that her mother not be told.
‘If I decide to have an abortion, Mum will be freaking out about me being here on my own. She’ll want to come over here, and I don’t want her to throw away her savings like that. She’s been caring for me her whole life and it hasn’t been easy on her. Now she has a bit of freedom, both personal and financial. I know she’s been saving to go on a holiday to Vietnam with Sandy. I don’t want her to give that up so she can come and hold my hand. And you know once the cat’s out of the bag she’ll be on the next plane.’
‘Yeah, maybe. But what if you decide to have the baby? You’ll have to tell her then.’
‘Well of course I’ll tell he
r, but I want to be able to demonstrate to her that I can look after the baby myself. I don’t want her thinking she has to give up her holidays and her free time to be a resident babysitter.’
‘She loves you, Kit, and she’ll love her grandchild too. Maybe you should give her the opportunity to decide how she wants to be involved. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, I mean.’
‘No,’ Kit’s voice was firm, ‘that’s not fair. She’s worked for years and now this is her time to let loose a little. There’s no way I’m taking that away from her. Not after everything she’s done for me. And to be honest, Lib, I just can’t see myself having a baby right now. Just thinking about that scenario seems surreal to me. I think I’ve made up my mind.’
Kit’s insistence that Jude be kept in the dark was going to put Libby in an awkward position, but a promise was a promise. There was no way she would betray Kit’s confidence. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘whatever you decide, you have my support. I hope you know that.’
‘Thanks, Lib. That means the world to me. I only wish you weren’t so far away.’
*
Libby’s eyes scanned the cafeteria, but she couldn’t see Cam anywhere. She was fifteen minutes late after a marathon phone call with Kit. Maybe Cam had got sick of waiting and headed off. They’d only been together for a few months and although Cam seemed just as smitten as she was, Libby was always afraid that he’d wake up one day and realise that he could have his pick of the girls on campus. She still couldn’t believe a gorgeous guy like Cameron Reynolds would even look twice at an ordinary girl like her. But he had looked twice and much more than that. In fact he could barely keep his hands off her. Still, she was afraid to let herself imagine a future with him and was already steeling herself for the day when it would all be over between them.